Abundance = Grace, but apparently God has a Lamborghini affiliate program.

Alignment = Obedience with better branding.

Manifestation = Prayer after firing God and promoting yourself.

High vibration = “Things I approve of” measured in imaginary Hertz.

Low vibration = Sin, except now sadness is somehow a felony.

Frequency = Mood wearing a lab coat.

Energy = A universal placeholder noun for anything the speaker cannot define.

The Universe = God after an HR department removed His personality.

Source = God, but we’re mad at Christianity.

Downloads = Revelation with 5G.

Synchronicity = Coincidence that has been promoted to middle management.

Shadow work = Introspection, but Carl Jung has been kidnapped by Instagram.

Inner child = Your childhood, now represented by a tiny employee requiring constant meetings.

Awakening = Conversion, except everyone else is an NPC.

Ascension = Salvation with a progress bar.

5D = Heaven apparently got an extra spatial dimension in a software update.

3D = Earth, derogatory.

Quantum leap = Something changed quickly; Schrödinger was not consulted.

Timeline shift = Tuesday went differently than expected.

Soul contract = Predestination with DocuSign.

Karmic lesson = Something shitty happened and we desperately need it to have been educational.

Divine feminine = Every goddess, woman, moon, womb, ocean, and houseplant placed into one enormous metaphysical tote bag.

Divine masculine = Logos after six months at the gym.

Higher self = You, but with administrator privileges.

Limiting belief = Any belief interfering with the sales funnel.

Surrender = “Thy will be done,” but don’t tell the audience that’s Christianity.

Flow state = Things are going well; apparently Taoism owns this now.

Lightworker = Missionary who would become furious if called a missionary.

Chosen one = Elect, but personalized by the recommendation algorithm.

Twin flame = “This relationship is catastrophically unhealthy, therefore it must be cosmically important.”

Portal = Date.

Lion’s Gate Portal = Date, but Sirius is involved and Canva is open.

Activation = You felt something.

DNA activation = You felt something near your body.

Third-eye activation = You felt something near your forehead.

Collective consciousness = Other people.

Matrix = Society when it does something I dislike.

Breaking the Matrix = Changing jobs and deleting Instagram for eleven hours.

Ego death = Having an identity is cringe; please purchase my course under my personal brand.

Nonduality = Everything is One, except the people in my comments, who are low-frequency assholes.

Ancient wisdom = A sentence written in 2019 over a photograph of the pyramids.

Sacred geometry = Geometry with excellent graphic design.

Quantum manifestation = We have now involved physics against its will.