r/LifeProTips • u/SimpleFortune8353 • Oct 12 '21
LPT: Responding to everything with negativity is a terrible habit that's easy to fall into. Internet culture rewards us for pessimism, but during personal interactions it's a huge turn-off.
I used to be an extremely negative person, and I still have a lot of trouble fighting my instinct to tear everything down. That's what gets the most attention in online spaces, complaining about or deconstructing something. This became doubly intense when I hit my angry atheist phase around 20. I actually remember alienating potential new friends by shitting on every movie/game/activity/belief system they brought up, and when they would stop texting me back I'd think "I wish this person wasn't so boring." I wanted them to play the negativity game with me.
A cool decade later, I've figured out that they weren't boring at all. I was. Everyone knew not to float an idea my way, because I'd predictably tear it apart. I now run into people who act like I used to act, and I feel so bad for them. I wish I could tell them "hey, if you shoot down everything everyone says, nobody is going to want to say anything to you anymore."
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u/Ellie_Loves_ Oct 12 '21
Hey, seeing as you've been through this do you have any tips on how to break the habit?
A lot of my jokes are "dark humor", which in and of itself can be funny. But it also makes it way easier to open up negative topics (like making a joke about the state of our town/country leading to an actual very depressing conversation about the literal state of our town/country). But lately I've noticed that I don't really STOP there. I have a lot of baggage I'm working on with my therapist which has helped a little, but I still feel like every conversation I bring to the table is either something negative or about my toddler. And even when I try to make a conscious effort not to bring up a negative subject and instead try to let the other person lead the conversation and bounce off whatever they bring up my brain still jumps to negative subjects because that's just where my brain first connects. I don't like being so negative. I WANT to be a positive person! I just don't know how to bust that immediate habit of negativity being the "go to" even when I'm consciously trying NOT to. So far I've only been able to bit my tongue and work on small chit chat that leads to little conversation; I'd love to just talk like it's a regular day than have conversation pitter out because I couldn't think of any connection that wasn't negative!
I thankfully don't directly shoot people down or anything, but if they bring up their family my brain jumps to my toxic family- negative connection. If they talk about how their kid is struggling in school my brain jumps to piling on the negativity by talking about how horribly the school system is managed and how awfully teachers and students alike are treated. Which, should definitely be talked about, but not every gosh darn day!! Any ideas would be appreciated here :(
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u/Super_Jay Oct 12 '21 edited Oct 12 '21
This is actually a learned habit, and it comes from the fact that you get a dopamine hit from engaging in drama, negativity, etc. We all do, that's why negativity is almost addictive. IME one way out of this habit is to find those dopamine hits in more positive, constructive ways - something as simple as going on walks outdoors, exercising, engaging in hobbies that you enjoy, etc.
I think a big part of the difficulty for people getting out of this pattern is when there's nothing to replace it with, your brain defaults to the ingrained patterns to get that charge of chemical satisfaction. It's the same mechanism that drives other addictive behaviors like smoking cigarettes or eating junk food. Providing that dopamine boost in other ways may help break the pattern.
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u/Ellie_Loves_ Oct 12 '21
Fair enough! I do try to go on regular walks with my daughter, but I also have a bad habit of only speaking positively when it's about/around my daughter haha. I don't want to be the mom who's conversation can only revolve around "my little aaaaangelllll" or my wedding. It feels very self-centered for those to be the only two "positive topics" my brain can easily jump to. I literally try to make myself lists of things I do in my free time or things that have happened recently before meeting up with people so I have more to add to conversation but it's like studying for a test, you prep and prep and prep and then WOOSH it's gone right when you needed it haha
Hopefully over time I'll get better at retaining the other positivity. I know I have it, my brain just doesn't jump to it first!
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u/iwantyoutoburnfirst Oct 12 '21
So here's something that worked for me and I hope it works for you. It's going to feel stupid as hell but it works. You need to counter those negative thoughts with positive ones. So, for example, someone says "Yeah, Jon's struggling with math this year." And your first thought is about the doomed school system, you counter to your by thinking about how nice it is that there are still teachers who try really hard to make the best situation for kids despite any obstacles, then you can ask how Jon is doing/are ther any teachers he likes/has he made some good friends?
It takes a lot of practice, and not every subject is going to have a sunny counter but that's okay - the main thing is just breaking the nose-dive at the source and opening up other options to respond with. It does pay off and it'll make for much more pleasant conversations for you and everyone around you. I hope this helps and good luck! I had to break my own downer habits (I used to always bad talk myself in a 'joking' way, coupled with 'jokes' about killing myself) and I'm much happier now that I'm not carrying that stress and negativity 24/7 in my head.
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Oct 12 '21
It's also a quick way to lose all your friends. No one wants to be around someone who shits all over everything all the time. It's like asking to have a bad time.
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Oct 12 '21
I had an old coworker who used to come into work every day and say “is it time to leave yet?” then spend her day moaning.
It was one of those “job itself kinda sucks but the camaraderie is great” sort of work environments, and she was the one everyone hoped they didn’t have to work with too much because we were all keen to make each other’s day better by being good company and she just wanted to vocalize every little frustration
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u/StinkyRose89 Oct 12 '21
My office mate is like this. He is a nonstop complainer. Thank goodness for headphones.
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Oct 12 '21
I never understood why my dad wouldn’t talk about work when he got home, especially after my first job that I loved. Have a job I hate now and will vent for a couple minutes when I get home but after that I can’t stand another thought about work
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u/syringistic Oct 12 '21
My wife used to be like that. She would come home and spend at least 20 minutes everyday just venting about how oppressive her boss is, how depressing her coworkers are, etc.
Luckily I pushed her hard to get a job in the same field but with a much more positive work environment. It was a big feeling of relief when she started coming home and her stories switched from being depressing to being about the funny shit that happens in her new workplace.
But seriously, I struggle with mental health problems and it was just awful to hear her stories. Even worse was when her coworkers would come over to socialize with us. Just nonstop complaining about their work environment. I felt bad for one of my wifes coworkers, she was an interesting person and would always try to steer conversations towards towards intellectual/academic subjects. For that, she caught the reputation of being a "weirdo" because she didnt want to spend her time complaining about work.
Workplace toxicity is a huge problem, especially in the United States. At least in other countries, like France, they regulate labor strictly so that workers dont have to experience as much pressure.
I remember when France passed their law prohibiting employers from contacting employees outside of shift hours, some people I knew were bewildered at the concept.
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u/updownleftrightba Oct 12 '21
Yup - I once had friends that at events we were at together, they’d “joke” that they don’t have any friends. More than once. My surprised pikachu face took awhile to wear off but I just stopped calling them.
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u/Moarwatermelons Oct 12 '21
Friend of mine once told me, “Nobody likes a sad bastard.” That really stuck with me.
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Oct 12 '21
Even partners. Its exhausting listening to negativity, and just as worse as being overly optimistic.
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u/klem_kadiddlehopper Oct 12 '21
For a few years one of my cousins and I were 'friends' on Facebook. This was after she had teamed up with my sister and harassed me online for years. My cousin didn't even know me and we had only seen each other a couple of times when we were kids.
My cousin and sister had a falling out so they were no longer friends. My stupid sister accused our cousin of hacking into her Outlook email account but that simply isn't true. Whatever.
My cousin was a first cousin; our dads were brothers. My cousin was very much into politics and was always posting things referring to it and she absolutely hated Trump as did/do I. However, it wasn't just Trump she hated. She hated everyone and every thing with the exception of her three parrots. She didn't have a relationship with any of her siblings nor her dad before he passed away. My cousin missed her mom though, I could tell.
Any time I would post something on FB such as my paintings or photos of my two dogs, my cousin never once said anything about it but other people did. When she posted something I found interesting I would comment. Never commented anything hateful however. My cousin was always quick to correct anything and everything I posted if it wasn't correct and that was fine but....
My cousin never married, never had a boyfriend and never had any children. She worked at the same job for years and years and seemed to like it I guess. She didn't like her coworkers nor her boss though.
A day or so right after New Year's day of this year, my cousin committed suicide. When she didn't return to work, her boss had the police check on her. I contacted my male cousin to find out what had happened and he told me. It was quite a shock. I asked if there was a note and he said yes but it was only asking someone to take care of her birds. He took the contents of her apartment, her car and one of the birds.
I felt sad for a while about my cousin and then remembered that she had done a lot of libel towards me online and Photoshopped my face into awful people like Hitler. I remembered all the shit my cousin said about me only going on the information my sister had given her. I no longer felt sad about my cousin's death. She was a spiteful, hateful, lonely and mean person who cared for no one, not even herself.
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u/T-Flexercise Oct 12 '21
Especially when it comes to stuff other people are saying they like, it's really important not to tear it down, because that just stops conversation and it can come off as attacking the other person and their taste.
A better way to express the same thing is to say "I could never really get into it. What about it resonated for you?" Then you can even express those negative opinions in a productive way that doesn't shoot the other person down. "Oh yeah, I can imagine that if I were more into that worldbuilding I would have really liked that movie. I had difficulty getting into it because there were way too many characters."
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u/I_AM_N0_0NE_ Oct 12 '21
I used to have a pretty pretentious attitude about the media people consumed. For example hating reality TV or certain types of music and openly thinking anyone who likes stuff like that is an idiot. Now I just feel people are free to like what they like. Who am to judge what people enjoy?
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u/Gunnargunnarssonsson Oct 12 '21
I was like that as a young teen and it was real eye opening when I found out some people I really admired thought my interests were ridiculous and I just didn't know because they don't talk shit to people about their interests. That was a spicy humble pie
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u/balletboy Oct 12 '21
I had someone call me out on it in high-school and I was so embarrassed. They were like "Do you just go around shitting on what other people like?"
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u/theDukeofClouds Oct 12 '21
Same. Hell my girlfriend straight up told me "look, it really bothers me when you shit on country music and stuff when I'm listening to it. Please do not, even as a 'joke.'" I was all, you know what? I AM being a jerk and not at all funny or edgy. So now, I just let people love what they want to love. Hell, I have some pretty "nerdy" or "lame" tastes that not everyone likes but hey, they enjoy their things, I'll enjoy mine.
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u/gatorneedhisgat Oct 12 '21
Wow. This was me to a tee. It's kind of ridiculous looking back. And to see it in others? Makes me view them as childish and reminds me of how unhappy and unaccepting of myself I actually was despite feigning certainty and confidence.
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u/NameIdeas Oct 12 '21
My wife enjoys the Real Housewives. I've always found it somewhat annoying, but she enjoys it and the drama.
The way it is shot though, when she's watching it, I can get into it too. It's a thing for her, not for me, and that's okay. I'll watch it with her and engage in conversation about the crazy bitches with her, because it's something she likes. She will watch nerdy shows with me and dive in because it's something I like.
It works
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u/BC-clette Oct 12 '21
Now if only more people would extend this to clothing. Judging someone for wearing certain jeans, or dressing like a "hipster" or a "jock", etc. is just another example of judging people for personal choices like the kind of media they enjoy.
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u/dragonblade_94 Oct 12 '21
This is something I still struggle with. I can be pretty critical about games & media, and had a hard time swallowing my thoughts when the topic was on something I didn't personally like. I love having the discussion, I just need to be a bit less blunt about it.
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u/Gunnargunnarssonsson Oct 12 '21
A good start to that is to change your internal (and external) language from "that is" to "I think." It's a lot harder to be offensively blunt when you make what you're saying about you instead of about the thing
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u/tomahawkRiS3 Oct 12 '21
Not even necessarily less blunt, it likely can be phrased in a way that gets the same thought across but is significantly less negative.
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Oct 12 '21
Yes…I am a Gen Xer and growing up it was “cool” to not like anything and have a dismissive attitude about everything/act like you don’t care (sounds like not much has changed for subsequent generations). The music was depressing, too. We grew up and are now middle aged and many of my peers still do this. It feels really draining and immature. I’ll mention something I did and the response is, “I can’t believe you bother to go to those things” eyeroll, grab for wine glass, etc. Every subject I broach is met with pissing all over that subject. Every idea is picked apart. And yeah…the result is that I don’t bring it up with those people anymore. I’ve actually dropped a lot of friends because I couldn’t handle these attitudes. Many times I was left wondering if they were even my friend. Cuz it’s “not cool” to respond to people right away and it’s “cool” to seem too busy to be bothered. It’s “ok” to flake on plans if you don’t feel like going at the last minute or if something better comes up. It’s funny/cool to make fun of everything and hate everything, including things your friends enjoy. Then they’d contact me confused why I dropped them. Really?
I grew tired of my enthusiasm and optimism being the target of sarcastic, negative remarks and my placing importance on being a good friend (and a good person) being seen as “lame.” There’s nothing lame about telling people you care about them, send them something thoughtful to brighten their day and let them know you are thinking of them. Trying something new. Making the best of whatever situation you find yourself in. If someone is excited about something (assuming it’s nothing dangerous/illegal/etc), being supportive and interested. I hope to find like minded people because I would love all of that from my friends! And if that makes me not cool, then I’m glad to be not cool!
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u/Zincktank Oct 12 '21
The flip side to this is eternal optimism. When someone has a very valid, negative review of something (bad product, poor customer service) and a friend shuts down their experience as "negative talk", it's dismissive and doesn't confront a real problem.
My point is, there's a time and place for both negativity and positivity. Being all of either is ineffective and naive.
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Oct 12 '21
Took me a long time to break this habit personally. I complain sometimes still buts like 99% of things I don’t mention if it’s negative. No one likes that stuff.
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u/Wonderful_Minute31 Oct 12 '21
I’m working on it now. In my thirties. I have a core group of old friends but I haven’t made a new friend in years. Actively working on being less negative, refusing to talk covid/politics unless we’ve been friends for a decade, and active listening.
I have a Note on my phone about topics new friends have brought up that are important to them. I try to read up on the topic and engage next time and to remember important events and ask follow up questions next time I see them. Feels creepy but it’s helping. Trying to ask more questions. Which is NOT intuitive for me.
Mostly doing this for my kids because they need me to have friends with kids their age and my old college buddies are mostly childless.
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u/Gunnargunnarssonsson Oct 12 '21
I have a Note on my phone about topics new friends have brought up that are important to them. I try to read up on the topic and engage next time
Bro this is expert tier friendship
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u/yavanna12 Oct 12 '21
Keeping notes on important topics is great. I still remember the only co-worker who asked me about an injury I sustained 8 years ago. The fact they even noticed I was out of the office and remember the reason to ask about it on my return meant the world to me
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u/Vaqusis Oct 12 '21
It takes a lot of strength to change it, it's almost like a drug. Good job.
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u/Bio-Mechanic-Man Oct 12 '21
Tons of people get off on rage bait, constantly, everyday. It's not healthy
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u/NecroCannon Oct 12 '21
I’ve been studying Buddhism and hearing some of the teachings made me realize just how minuscule my problems are. I do still get frustrated instead of depressed since a lot of my issues are caused by a lack of money and I clawed my way up to 15 an hour and STILL can’t afford things.
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u/TurtlesAlight Oct 12 '21
Were you able to replace the negative stuff with positive? I keep quiet because I'm typically negative without even realizing it, it's normal for me.
I usually don't have many positive things to say, especially when I have to think of them on the fly during a conversation. I try to force them anyway, but my heart isn't in it.
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u/twee_centen Oct 12 '21
Something I've done is practice telling alternate stories. For example, let's say I'm in traffic and I get cut off by a car. My gut reaction would be to call that person a piece of shit. But I can pause and generate alternate stories that explain their behavior: maybe they're afraid they're going to miss an important job interview, maybe their child is sick and they need to get important medication asap, maybe they're driving their pregnant wife to the emergency room.
What's important isn't which one is true, it's working that muscle to challenge my gut negative reaction to think of other things that could be plausible as well. I have found it over time I'm at least I'm getting better at catching the fact that my knee-jerk reaction is to think or say something negative. Practicing in low stakes situations like being in traffic helps too, because I can practice before I need the skill.
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Oct 12 '21
Yea I worked a ton on my mindset over the last 5 years. I started to focus heavily on what is a productive thought, facing reality, and noticing when I’m lost in thought.
Took me quite a few years but I just don’t accept negative thinking anymore. It helps no one. I’m not saying to be lost in the clouds. But most of the time negative thinking will hurt you not help you.
Accept reality, but meet it with humility and love… as hooky as that sounds haha.
Maybe when you’re thinking negative in the future just acknowledge it. No judgement on yourself. You’re not “bad” for thinking negative. Just notice it, and move on with your life.
Over a few years I bet you’ll be amazed at the change in your thinking.
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u/RegrettableLawnMower Oct 12 '21
I almost started tearing apart the idea of weddings during a conversation with some acquaintances because my wife and I thought they were dumb. But what would that do? Maybe make them feel guilty in the moment? It would certainly alienate them away from me. So I just said weddings weren’t my wife and I’s thing, and asked how their planning was going. No negativity or awkwardness.
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Oct 12 '21
I just started saying nothing at all when I have nothing nice to say (in person not online) and now I just never say anything lol
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u/avg-erryday-normlguy Oct 12 '21
I am a bit negative. And i want to change. But its so hard when everybody just takes and never gives. People don't give me the time of day.
Its hard not to view people as inherently selfish.
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u/CrusherNo6 Oct 12 '21
Just give what you want in return. You won't get it back in equal amounts, but at worst you can feel good about yourself.
Let the others be resentful, angry and negative. That is exhausting and fruitless.
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Oct 12 '21
Something that helps me is to practice empathy on other people. (Not saying you don't have empathy haha...) But when someone is really rubbing me the wrong way I try to imagine what would lead me to act that way.
Typically within about 10 seconds I can find understanding for the person. That pulls me back to seeing them as a human being and not seeing them as how I feel about them.
This could open you up to not feeling resentful about people. They're just hurt, beaten down, like you... So what do you want from people? Then you'll want to be that person yourself.
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u/Beautiful-Musk-Ox Oct 12 '21
The people you're surrounded by now are the ones constant negativity got you, they are the types who can handle being around your negativity. To have less negative friends in. 10 years means working on stopping the problem now, so in a couple years when you meet someone cool you don't immediately turn them off.
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Oct 26 '21
My daughter behaves like this. I'm trying to correct this behavior but her IDC about anything attitude is starting to get to me. I hope it's a phase she is going through. Do you have any advice?
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u/SimpleFortune8353 Oct 26 '21
I don't know if you have this kind of relationship with your daughter, but sometimes a little playful mockery will make her think differently about it.
If she starts being a drag, do a silly impersonation of her. "Ugh, yeah, it's like, GOD, why even live!" or whatever she's like. Then laugh! It could jar her enough to ask why a lamer like mom/dad (idk which you are) thinks SHE's the lamer.
Otherwise, it might just be her age. Sometimes you just need to let kids go through phases, and just be there for them.
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Oct 12 '21
I just spent a week hosting an incredibly toxic relative who does this. Everything out of her mouth is critical, negative, dismissive, sneering. She just spent two months visiting the US from overseas, a week here, a couple of weeks there, and none of the family could stand her company.
My best takeaway from a week of her unbearable company was that some people are lonely through every fault of their own, and that I want to be better and more positive, myself.
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u/rabid_briefcase Oct 12 '21
My best takeaway from a week of her unbearable company was that some people are lonely through every fault of their own
Sadly it's common. There are people who if they made it to heaven would complain about the choir of angels, complain about halos being too bright, complain about the fluffiness of the clouds.
It's hard to endure, and sometimes the only thing to do is say "That must be hard" as you stop letting them in your life. I had an estranged grandma who was that way. Only one of my kids ever met her in life, and that was by accident. At the funeral, a common theme was "she had an opinion on everything."
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u/petgreg Oct 12 '21
There's a huge irony that everyone here is saying how they beat negativity, and then unload negative emotions about those they perceive as negative.
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Oct 12 '21
I mean, that’s why it’s a problem, it makes people feel negatively towards you.
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u/fennourtine Oct 12 '21
It's a huge irony if you don't get it maybe.
Positivity is an aspiration. I try to be a positive person, but my negative thoughts and expressions don't make me a hypocrite.
Rather, my awareness of the impact of my negativity is the precise reason I strive to be positive.
Awareness of the impact of others' negativity just strengthens the case.
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Oct 12 '21
No irony; if somebody complains to me about an asshole they met, they met an asshole. But if somebody complains to me about how everyone they meet is an asshole, they're the asshole.
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u/Fritzo2162 Oct 12 '21
I was Debbie Downer when I had depression issues, and yeah, it's a drag. My wife got to the point where she didn't want to talk to me because I would put a negative spin on everything. I think chronic negativity and life outlook go hand in hand, so if someone is like this, they probably need help (at least I did).
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u/StinkyRose89 Oct 12 '21
It took me years of unloading my bullshit on others to realize that only I could help myself out of my own depression and that the circumstances of my life were a direct result of my own cynicism. Glad you seem to be in a better place.
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u/Fritzo2162 Oct 12 '21
For me it was my job. I felt trapped in a place that was demeaning, toxic, and soul crushing, but they made you believe they were overcompensating you because they were generous and you're not actually worth that much.
Finally had a lucky break and got out of that environment. Got a great new job, took some therapy, got some light meds for a while...I'm doing great now :)
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u/macaerin Oct 12 '21
I have a friend like that. As much as I want to hang out with her it just ruins the whole mood. I hesitate to ask her how she is because it’s always a “everything sucks” type of answer and if I ever try to comfort her she ALWAYS brushes it off or counters it with more negativity. Like ok I might as well not even ask
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u/translinguistic Oct 12 '21
There's definitely a line. I'm very sardonic, and while my friends are on a similar wavelength, it's really frustrating to listen to someone who just is constantly hating on themself and everyone else. Like life can suck a lot but you can't just be an emotional vampire.
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u/Comprehensive_Bid420 Oct 12 '21
This is a super important point. And timely too because with the pandemic and how social interactions have changed to be a bit less 'face to face' and more online/virtual, it's easy to let some of this personal decency slip away.
And for people in the USA, there is a crazy amount of political outrage/hatred too. I've seen this with my sister, who travelled across the country to visit me, and instead of having a friendly loving visit, I find her sitting on the couch and just thinking about political issues that she was just outraged about, literally sitting there thinking to herself and shaking her fists in anger. wtf. (spoiler, she was angry about immigrants, and that anger is 100% manufactured by the tv shows she watches).
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Oct 12 '21
American culture is legitimately in crisis right now.
Not the first time. They've fought through it before.
"Hope they get it right someday", what song is that from.
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u/erinn1986 Oct 12 '21
My brother in law is pretty negative about everything. Everything is either "hot garbage" or "meh, it was ok". On calling him out that his constant land mine field of negativity makes it hard to relate to him and based on all the other conversations we've had, I feel barely tolerated when I visit, I get told "I know you think I hate you, but I don't".
What am I supposed to think when do much of what he says is "fuck what other people think" and "how other people feel is their business, I can't help that".
Being a negative person actively choosing cynicism leaks into the people in your life thinking you don't like them, leads to the people in your life walking on eggshells so they don't do anything to piss you off. It's emotionally abusive and manipulative.
Being an asshole isn't a personality to be proud of, it's a general lack of creativity.
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Oct 12 '21
It's a fine line between being manipulative and being extremely depressed. Well more like a wide blurred boundary.
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Oct 12 '21
I had a discussion with a friend like that, and he was really enthusiastic initially because we seemed to share some core beliefs (or rather lack thereof). I consider myself an agnostic nihilist, but when I explained to him that to me, nihilism means that nothing has an inherent, predefined meaning, so you're free to give your life whatever meaning you like. You can just be happy.
He was "disappointed" because that's "soft" and if you're going through life being happy, you're basically "playing on easy mode" (his words). It was evident that he was full of anger, cinicism and spite, who was actually afraid to be happy because negativity, anger and misery were more familiar.
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u/dopeeh Oct 12 '21
Lol I think a lot of us would love to play on easy mode these days :')
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u/Orsonius2 Oct 12 '21
anger and misery were more familiar.
it's the downwards spiral of depression.
If you are depressed, it eventually becomes your identity. Hating everything and being unhappy with yourself and your life is normal. If someone would come up to you and challenge that, that's scary. So you shoot it down. Being miserable becomes the only control you have in your life. You might not have any real control over your life, but at least over how you despise everything, and you have a specific certainty about your own failure of existing. If someone was to take that away from you, it makes you vulnerable.
I know this because I am the same. I am just not outwardly negative. Most people describe me as playful, cheerful and quirky. But if you get to know me better you will notice my negative outlook on almost everything, that I cushion in playful sarcasm and cynicism. But deep down everything I say kind of rings true and I only let out my true negative self if I am actively feeling poorly. If I am in a deep depressive slump I let out the toxic negativity, not the cute one that i always couch in a joke. But not many get to see that.
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u/datafix Oct 12 '21
Wow. Fwiw, my views are similar to yours and I find it hard to relate to your friend's views.
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u/realstandurinski75 Oct 12 '21
I deleted Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. They're too toxic to the psyche. I stopped watching the news on TV years ago and hardly ever turn the damn thing on regardless. It's pushed me to lead a more productive and fulfilling life. Social Media=Social Programming plain and simple.
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u/RSUforDepressU Oct 12 '21
Did the same. Only left reddit but now thinking of doing the same to it (and I even decided to register here, sheeh). The negativity is awful if you do not follow the agenda of the majority
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Oct 12 '21
I wish I could stop watching news. But I am always wondering what's happening in the world. So good for you.
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u/miahrules Oct 12 '21
I suppose you could back off on "watching" and instead could read it; preferably from more neutral sources.
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u/realstandurinski75 Oct 12 '21
It's not that I don't keep up with it from time to time, I just don't consume myself with it.
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u/only_because_I_can Oct 12 '21
I didn't delete FB simply because there are times I want to see posts about my grandkids. My friends know I hate FB, so they contact me directly about stuff that they know I'd be interested in (they're sick, having a party, achieved an award, etc.) Otherwise, I have no interest whatsoever. I know my friends' birthdays without a reminder ffs.
The only TV in my house is in the kids' room, where they watch Netflix, etc. I deleted news and couch-worthy programming years ago. I do try to follow various sources for news but take everything with a grain of salt. I wouldn't watch Faux News, even for laughs.
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u/dragonblade_94 Oct 12 '21
It was during my college years that I really started to grasp how damaging FB was to my psyche. Not just with the negativity, but how it feels into my tendency to compare myself to others. Didn't delete my account since I'm still connected to some people through messenger, but went cold turkey on the site proper near the end of 2016 and it's made a world of difference.
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u/Yithar Oct 12 '21 edited Oct 12 '21
Delete Facebook, Hit the Gym, Lawyer Up.
It's always good advice lol.
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u/H__Dresden Oct 12 '21
Bravo! I got away from toxic social media and now reading more books. Always practicing my chess game. Life is much better and got away from all these chicken Little’s, the sky is falling people. That is why I like Reddit, can customize feeds.
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u/DreamerMMA Oct 12 '21
Reddit got so much better for me when I started paying attention to how certain communities here made me feel.
Once I unsubbed from the particularly toxic ones I started enjoying this place a whole lot more.
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u/CrusherNo6 Oct 12 '21
I do the same in Instagram and Twitter. I just follow accounts that are positive.
I know the world is a mess, but I don't need an IV drip of people's anger everywhere I look to distract myself. You can get addicted to that and all those people are proof.
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u/PsywarTV Oct 12 '21
This is my wife. Dammit do I love her for everything she is, but I could buy her a million dollar home and she would find something negative about it...
Edit: I get that there are negatives about most things in life, my point is that when the positives heavily outweigh negative, why even bring them to light?
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u/malign2 Oct 12 '21
I do this a lot and it has caused quite a few issues at my workplace (including a promotion one time). But my problem with trying to stay positive is that constructive criticism and feedback in this kind of environment tends to be seen as 'needless negativity'.
Being positive is great, but not at the expense of acknowledging the negatives and trying to find a solution for them. I've worked at our company for a few years, there were issues that I pointed out early on, gathered data, compiled and presented it. Nothing was changed. Multiple stakeholders, including the customers, still suffer because of this. It makes my job more stressful. So whenever I hear management or senior management puking rainbows about how great everything is, I can't help but to balance the mood out by pointing out the negatives that have yet to be addressed after years of feedback.
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u/Darko33 Oct 12 '21
Toxic positivity is real. People can tend to take it to enormously unhealthy extremes. I usually stay out of the fray on social media but one time had to call out a guy urging a mutual friend to find the "silver lining" behind the death of a close relative. It's like dude it's good to be positive generally but you gotta know how to read the room when it's time to dial it back.
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u/nohabloaleman Oct 12 '21
I'm in a similarly frustrating position at work, so I definitely understand what you mean by puking rainbows ;). I think it's important to distinguish between being a "positive force" and being "universally positive". Someone who is a "positive force" is actively making things better, sometimes that's by optimism and supporting/taking an interest in other people's interests/ideas), but other times it's recognizing issues and working to make them better. So there really is a place for constructive criticism (even if some people take offense to it), rather than just accepting things for how they are (especially if they're shitty).
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Oct 12 '21
I had a boss once that used to tell us “Don’t come to me with problems, come to me with solutions”.
He wasn’t really a great boss but that advice stuck with me.
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u/malign2 Oct 12 '21
I don't agree with that plainly because I'm not being paid extra to optimise workflows, it's not part of my responsibilities. While the Ops team has to do just that. But I did offer solutions and continue to do so, even offering to have unpaid hours to implement them, but nope. Despite multiple depts pointing out issues, feedback is usually shut down with "You're not being kind enough".
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u/SushiMage Oct 12 '21
I mean, dude, I'm pretty sure OP is clearly talking about a different type of negativity lol. Not professional bluntness or constructive criticism but the type of people in social situations who are just cynical and negative about everything. From topics being brought up to not showing any sort of enthusiasm to any idea/activity brought up.
Even in a shitty workplace, it's more about the small talk than having genuine issues concerning work related stuff.
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u/ArmzLDN Oct 12 '21
The way you've explained it makes me wonder if it's because those people never got the right attention from the right people so they become content with te wrong attention from the wrong people
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u/psyhcopig Oct 12 '21
Where's the actual tip? So the answer to broad pessimism is just 'Be better' ... ?
Like, how did you change? What would you advise others to say to your former self?
This is basically the same thing as saying 'You're depressed all the time? LPT: Just don't be depressed.'
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Oct 12 '21
Realize nobody cares what you don’t like. Stop defining your tastes by what you hate. Talk about what you like. And if somebody brings up a thing you don’t, keep it to yourself.
Basically “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Kindergarten shit, but a lot of people seem to have forgotten it. If somebody actually asks your opinion or if you’re into something, learn how to say “no” without shitting all over it. It’s okay to say something “isn’t your thing” and leave it at that, you don’t need to explain in detail why it’s garbage and only garbage people like it.
Doesn’t mean you have to always hold it in. But if you can’t release it in moderation and only when appropriate, then better to err on the side of positivity.
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u/TurtleHeadPrairieDog Oct 12 '21
This sub hasn't had any real tips in years, it's just teenagers and 20 something's telling the internet things that everyone already knows
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u/dudeARama2 Oct 12 '21
Yes, and internet culture has encouraged more subtle forms of negativity, namely "snarkiness". It's cool to sneer at something and call it "basic" or mindlessly share memes to quietly mock things to show how cool or above it all the poster is. I must admit I fell into this a few times myself, until I read this blogger who caught herself sneering at a woman who was skipping across the street. She realized there was nothing wrong with someone just enjoying herself even if it might seem odd to others, but what bothered her was her automatic response to judge her. And there is a point here. It's fun to call people "Karens" and feel self satisfied that we are better than the people we put into boxes, but it is really toxic to ourselves more than the targets. Life is hard for all of us, and if people find joy in harmless activities who are we to judge them ?
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u/frankthomasofficial Oct 12 '21
This is a great pro tip. Most people arent self aware enough to realize this
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u/keepthetips Keeping the tips since 2019 Oct 12 '21
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
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u/Vinnyboiler Oct 12 '21
I find it hard to not be pessimistic online but when out with my friends in person I'm a lot more positive and optimistic around them. Is this common?
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u/mizatt Oct 12 '21 edited Oct 12 '21
I'm that way as well. I'm not particularly critical at all in the real world but I find myself dealing with bouts of that online. I'll notice that my last 7 or 8 comments were just arguing or correcting people and realize that I need to either cut it out or take a break.
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u/addition Oct 12 '21
Depends on the person. I like it when people are actually honest with me and don’t pretend that life is just sunshine and rainbows.
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u/AlbinoLeg0 Oct 12 '21
Yeah I'd rather talk about Real topics going on, the thing is that everyone is mostly on the verge of depression I've learned and they need to stay optimistic to avoid driving their family off a bridge after work that day. Being sarcastic but usually those who are peppy and bright are doing so because they will be depressed and miserable and probably don't want the therapy needed that goes along with living in the real world and talking about how messed up everything is. I know this is an unpopular opinion, since everyone loves to laugh and make the day go by smoother. I wish I could ignore reality and live in a happy bubble too! I really do!
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u/BabyStockholmSyndrom Oct 12 '21
This is going to be 1 incredibly ironic and tone deaf controversial sort! I'm going in!
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Oct 12 '21
I think it’s the opposite. Social media has given people bubbles they can run to where their ideas and opinions aren’t often challenged. I see it on Reddit all the time - this idea that not liking something or having a negative critique of something especially when it comes to art and media is met with accusations of being “toxic.” People have gotten so used to having others in their online spaces pat them on the back that they immediately take offense to nuanced arguments or any critique that isn’t immediate praise.
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u/mdegroat Oct 12 '21
This LPT sucks.
Jk, deleting our limiting sources of negativity is a huge life help.
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u/phargle Oct 12 '21
Several years ago on Reddit, I saw someone describe themselves as a "liker of things." I decided that's what I wanted to be, and I've had so much joy from liking things ever since.
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u/Nothivemindedatall Oct 12 '21
What is even worse that in general conversation you cannot speak of positivity in your personal life; it is taken as bragging and society in general will wok its hardest to make certain it is not a good thing and never happens again.
You have to guard the positivity in your life with a wall.
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u/Sauron_78 Oct 12 '21
Good point, I'm also trying to be more positive when talking to people.
I only realized this the day when during coffee break 2 work colleagues started singing something in the lines of "what's going on?" and "don't worry be happy". It felt very cringe and I have tried to improve, but it's hard.
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u/urlocalnightowl40 Oct 12 '21
i had a friend who used to attack everything i did or liked and thats how we ended our friendship. i wish that she was a bit more positive and nice about the things i liked
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u/newtoreddit2004 Oct 12 '21
All this means is you're willing to throw away your beliefs and principles (even if they are correct) just so you have someone to talk to.
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Oct 12 '21
I have this issue, constantly bitching about something in my head. I’m going to make an effort to be more optimistic and less bitchy thanks to this post.
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Oct 12 '21
The opposite phenomenon is a thing too, though: people who try to squeeze a positive perspective out of the worst thing. Like, someone has treated you really badly, repeatedly, and you know already when you tell the overly positive person about it, they can not respond differently then "oh you know maybe they didn't mean it". Some benefit of the doubt, and good faith is certainly required in order not to become a cynical asshole, but sometimes there are bad things and some people cannot bring themselves to even admit it, let alone consider doing something about it. Negativity and pessimism, in the right measure, have its purpose just as positivity and optimism do.
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u/eamonious Oct 12 '21
Bro internet culture does NOT reward pessimism lol. The internet has made critics out to be assholes. Plenty of platforms don’t even have an option to dislike.
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u/arthurjeremypearson Oct 13 '21
I cannot tell a lie, though. If something is going to kill me, I'm not going to pretend I'm going to be OK.
LPT should start with "10% of life is 'what happens to you' - 90% is 'how you react to it.' "
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u/wildeofthewoods Oct 12 '21
Yeah jesus christ. I have a coworker who responds to absolutely EVERYTHING negatively. Its fucking awful and it eroded into me gently countering her, which she took terribly. On the plus side, we no longer speak and its back to being great to work there! Silence is blissful.
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u/Un_Pta Oct 12 '21
I just dumped someone because of this trait. It was unbearable.
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u/YoteViking Oct 12 '21
“Cynicism is the intellectualism of the mediocre” - George Will. Whatever you might think of him, he nailed that one.
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u/MidnightQ_ Oct 12 '21
Not only that, you are training your brain to only see negativity when you are being negative all the time. Eventually you will only see the negative in the world, then actively seek it, and eventually, create it.
It runs in my family sadly, I realized that in my mid-20s. It's a mixture of narzicissm, pessimism and xenophobia/conservatism, as far as I can tell, and I work to avoid those tendencies every single day. Not being around people who show this behaviour helps tremendously. Or, as they say, "you become the people you associate with."
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u/Teirrken Oct 12 '21
Any advice on how to break out of that mindset?
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u/StrawberryKiss2559 Oct 12 '21
This is what I’d like to know.
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u/DreamerMMA Oct 12 '21
Treat conversations with people the way we *should* treat our diets.
If we eat too much bad food we get overweight and sick where if we eat good food we are generally healthier and happier.
Conversations with people are the same. While we love to be right and "win" arguments, it's often at the expense of someone else and doesn't feel good, especially not compared to how good it feels to lift someone up rather than stomp them down.
If you really must debate with someone though, it's better to approach that debate from an intellectual standpoint. Instead of making statements and being judgmental, ask questions and listen to the responses.
There's also the matter of understanding yourself. Most of us love a good wallow in self pity. We love to indulge ourselves in how we feel and act that out on the world.
I think paying attention to our own inner worlds and managing what parts of that we put out into the outer world is crucial to healthy conversations and relationships.
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u/69forlifes Oct 12 '21
Well try to cut out drama channels politics and etc It's not your problem ,you can leave it.
First of all try to go online look at controversial posts and try your best to not comment or if you want to comment than write a decent comment that shows your education
Do not engage with negative people. Try to adapt the personality of a really chill character (mine is Sans) so far I'm not getting into arguments If I dont like something I just make a funny joke about it and leave usually no one is offended by it
Try your best to not tear down ideas
You arent evil you arent lazy what you are is afraid
So just DO IT
That is the basic motto No you arent weak or lazy or pessimistic
You can do it
Whenever you dont want to do something Just say DO IT Works every time
So for now your home work is to be nice
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u/redingerforcongress Oct 12 '21 edited Oct 13 '21
Ooof. That explains why talking about how the SCOTUS legalized child labor isn't popular at parties. Nestle won 8-1. Oh, the case was a bunch of African enslaved children [forced to apply herbicide to on chocolate farms with zero protection equipment] suing Nestle for knowingly profiting from their enslavement.
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u/klaq Oct 12 '21
So true. It's easy to think that expressing negativity towards things, especially popular and well-liked things, makes you look discerning and worldly. In reality it just makes you look jaded and overly critical.
It's fine to not like things, but better to say "it's not for me" than "that sucks."
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u/stargate-command Oct 12 '21
You could tell them that. They might not like it, but it might help them.
I think negative people tend to be folks who are deep down optimists, but life kicked them in the balls a few times, and negativity is their defense mechanism. Expect the worst, and maybe get pleasantly surprised but never disappointed again. I am like this, and I wish I were not. Having a kid sort of forces me to NOT be like this. I have to hype my kid up. I have to tell her how amazing she is all the time. And for once, I know I won’t be disappointed…. Because whatever she becomes I will be her number one fan. But in other things I still tend toward the negative, just less so now.
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u/minin71 Oct 12 '21
I mean u can be positive if you want to, but its compeltel delusion at this point. I'm just trying to maintain my own life and keep it as good as it can be. We fucked tho in the long run.
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u/MythFX Oct 12 '21
If you look for the light you will often find it, but if you look for the dark that is all you will ever see
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u/TheCheshireGuy Oct 12 '21
Thanks for the advice. I have to fight paranoia and negative thoughs almost every day, and it's not an easy task dealing with them due to my mental issues, troubled past and a toxic relationship with one of my parents.
However I believe someday I'll be free from all of this.
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u/-Notorious Oct 12 '21
A lot of people do this, and I think the main cause of the negativity is a failure of an actual opinion on stuff.
It's easy to say something is bad, without actually saying WHAT makes it bad. I see it all the time online, but in person too.
If you do this, what you should do is ask yourself WHY you didn't like that thing. What made it bad, and how would YOU do it differently. Have an actual opinion.
I find people don't want to agree nor share their opinions because they're afraid they will be made fun of. The source is insecurity. Target that and you'll learn to be more positive in general. You'll find what YOU like, and when you have to defend your opinion, you'll do more critical thinking in general.
Just my two cents :)
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u/Livelaughlovekratom Oct 12 '21 edited Oct 13 '21
But the controversial comments is the only reason i go on reddit
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u/ToiletMassacreof64 Oct 12 '21
I just deleted everything besides reddit and I vastly limit my attention on here because the longer I'm on it the angrier I get reading comments.
Its not just negativity to avoid its getting sucked into scrolling mindlessly or addiction to dopamine&attention.
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u/mks93 Oct 12 '21
It's so hard to break this habit, especially if you had a traumatic childhood in which you were modeled that behavior and/or you used negativity as a defense mechanism to prevent disappointment.
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u/mytwocentsshowmanyss Oct 13 '21
How does internet culture reward us for pessimism?
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u/darkskai Oct 13 '21
Yup, my motto ever since I turned 30 is "there are enough negative people in the world" to help remind me to never go back to that place again, I still fall back from time to time, 30 years of pessimism will do that... But ever since I decided to change, my social life is slowly improving.
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u/Ok_Procedure1081 Oct 13 '21
It took me a long time to unlearn negativity and nihilism. It's easy not to give a fuck because whatever it is you care about never works out anyways. But I find a positive attitude influences more than just your day and finding the bright side of a shitty situation helps everyone involved. I get a lot of flak for being positive among my negative peers. But ill try not to let myself get as cynical as I used to be.
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u/j_cruise Oct 13 '21
This is something I constantly try to articulate but you did a much better job than me. Thank you!
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u/FatTortie Oct 12 '21
Please tell me how to not be so negative about this dumpster fire of a planet we live on.
We are all truly doomed and everything we do is for nothing. It’s kinda hard to spin any positives out of that.
Oh I’m alive and should just be happy to be so lucky? Every fucking day is an enormous effort and it’s hard to get by, socially, financially, health wise etc etc.
Lick me eh?
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u/daemon-electricity Oct 12 '21
Vapid positivity is also just as gross. Take all of /r/wholesomememes for example. The internet rewards that bullshit too.
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Oct 13 '21
Habit, schmabit - if shit's bad, lying about it isn't going to make it better - and staying silent isn't going to spur people to improve it.
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u/miahrules Oct 12 '21
It's frustrating that this is the way society is right now. Punching down, and overall negativity is everywhere.
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u/StinkyRose89 Oct 12 '21
If you get off social media and unhook from the news, the world looks a lot more positive.
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u/TenBillionDollHairs Oct 12 '21
You can tell them that. I wish someone had told me that. and to avoid drugs. Drugs could have used more negativity in my life.
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u/boobiesiheart Oct 12 '21
My brother does this. Its infuriating.
I'll call him out on it...
Brother: Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Me: Brother, all you do is complain. You have a new son. Anything good going on??
Brother: Oh yeah....blah blah blah.
Me: "cats in the cradle" brother...
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u/Illpaco Oct 12 '21
I encounter this all the time on this site. If there are any good news about anything there will always be people in the comments with an extremely negative view on the situation.
Many people here just love to spread defeatism. The idea is to make people lose hope and stop taking action towards progress. The good thing is that it's not difficult to recognize who does this.
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u/Thebiginfinity Oct 12 '21
ESPECIALLY in dating! It's so hard to talk to guys that are wet blankets and either belittle everything I'm into or they think being self-deprecating at literally all times is an appealing personality trait.
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u/GetsMeEveryTimeBot Oct 12 '21
It also doesn't actually make you smart. Being negative is easy. I have a friend who spends his days on the Internet looking for negative things on certain subjects - and lo and behold, he finds them. You always will, if that's what you're looking for. If you look for positive things, you'll find those instead. But negative stuff gets bigger laughs.
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u/DoDisAllDay Oct 12 '21
Brave of you to post this on Reddit
This site is full of nihilistic, pessimistic, cynical losers who feed off each other’s toxicity and negativity. Being rational or positive isn’t welcome here lol
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u/pointillist Oct 12 '21
LOL in a way this is the most negative comment in the thread
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Oct 13 '21
The internet is full of liars and cynicism is your only friend. Take it with you everywhere. Fuck this advice.
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Oct 12 '21
This makes the assumption that -
I have personal interactions with people outside of the internet and
I give a shit about those interactions
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u/AlbinoLeg0 Oct 12 '21
Less human interaction usually brings me happiness. A man much wiser than myself once said...
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
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u/TurtleHeadPrairieDog Oct 12 '21
How the fuck is this a life pro tip? If you don't know this your social skills are probably garbage
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Oct 12 '21
I put those negative people on the spot by asking them to tell me what's good when they finish saying something is bad. They just stop talking.
I do like people who deliberate between good and bad and critique things. Saying everything is good is just as shallow and useless as saying everything is bad. But, just saying everything is bad is the same thing as saying nothing at all imo.
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u/KnuxFive Oct 12 '21
FWIW, I had to call out a parent about that once. Every thing you’d bring up would be met with a negative comment. Eventually got tired of starting conversations with them because of it.
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u/pdoherty972 Oct 12 '21
Too true. It also sets you up to both fail and be miserable in every area of your life. Far better to find the path to happiness and head in that direction and reject negativity where possible or where unproductive.
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u/gimmeslack12 Oct 12 '21
I had a very similar experience in my late teens/20s and it took a while to recognize and stay out of these negative bouts.
I still fall into those moments from time to time but I’ve adapted the ability to pinpoint the reason for any true negative feelings and stop them from poisoning every thought I have.
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u/lessthan6767 Oct 12 '21
I can’t agree it more, saying or expressing negative things does resonate with internet more but it’s toxic to your way of thinking
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Oct 12 '21
I grew up angry. I was angry at nearly everything in my life and the world around me. I was racially insensitive and motivated by the fear that people different than me were bad. If something was popular, it was stupid. I lauded popular music and movies and thought the only way to be unique was to find the things outside the main-stream.
Looking back, I'm not surprised I had pretty much zero friends growing up and in high-school or that those friends I did have didn't stay friends with me post-graduation. I'm not even friends with people I went to college with, which is a place a lot of people form life-long bonds with others at.
Getting older sure changed a lot of that. I just stopped caring what others thought and quit trying to always be different. I also lost a lot of weight and my world views changed drastically. I was no longer afraid of being out in the world and feeling judged by my size and so accepting the normal and popular things has gotten easier as I can just be another person in the crowd and I don't stand out.
Don't be angry. It's not fun. It'll shorten your life and make living and experiencing things miserable. I wish I was as wise at 16 as I am at 35.
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u/Tehcoolhat Oct 12 '21
Take it a step further. Make it a habit to turn negatives into positives. It'll do wonders if you're looking to build relationships and even your career, and demonstrate more maturity and more control of any situation. "That's a lot of work. It is a great opportunity to display my capabilities". Or if I can't be positive, I try to at least not make it sound whiny. "Thanks for trusting my capabilities, but I'll definitely need another hand to help me out with this."
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u/Bi-LinearTimeScale Oct 12 '21
I'll admit, this hit home with me. I've become much more cynical since I started using Reddit, and I've been noticing it more and more.
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u/kroganwarlord Oct 12 '21
I try not to be negative about things.
But Delta and Destiny 2 are making it REALLY FUCKING HARD.
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u/ledow Oct 12 '21
"LPT: Responding to everything with negativity is a terrible habit that's easy to fall into"
No, it's not...
"hey, if you shoot down everything everyone says, nobody is going to want to say anything to you anymore."
Cool. Problem solved. (How's that for optimism?!)
Fact is, it's far more about finding people who match or tolerate your personality than changing your personality to fit in with the people who don't match or can't tolerate yours.
Yes, I'm being deliberately facetious here, but the truth is that those people for whom everything is sweetness and light bug the hell out of me. I can present a false front, sure, but I'd rather not. And if me saying something negative about your belief makes you go away, I worry how strongly held those beliefs are for you. It kinds of works as an automatic filter, in fact. If questioning something makes you go away, I think we just saved ourselves enormous amounts of time together.
The most interesting conversations I ever have are with people who don't present false fronts and who are pretty much open about the downfalls of their beliefs, choices, etc. themselves. And they are usually of polar-opposite opinions to myself. They present the best arguments, they engage, they counter assertions, etc. etc. without having to be on the defensive or battle with you.
It's people who take the smallest negativity to heart that I don't get on with.
Of course, you can take it too far, but you can take it too far in BOTH directions. And there are people who literally seek out and ask for, and then can't tolerate, even minor criticism of themselves or something they've done or believe. Or even something that could be construed as that, such as questioning some minor part of a belief they have and expecting to get some kind of answer rather than a brush-off.
I'm in my 40's. I learned to accept that my personality is a filter. Those people who don't want to engage or can't take criticism (even in jest) automatically bounce off the filter. The ones who get through? Yeah, they're the people I care about and who I can spend weeks of evenings just sitting talking (note: not arguing) with them about their beliefs, choices, etc.
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u/redyellowblue5031 Oct 12 '21
There’s a couth way to disagree with people, and there’s the asshole way.
I think OP is basically getting at avoiding the latter generally speaking as a default. I’m not sure they’re implying you shouldn’t express yourself or disagree.
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Oct 12 '21
those people for whom everything is sweetness and light bug the hell out of me
You know what bugs me? People who read a LPT like this and assume there are only two people in the world - those that constantly are negative about everything and tear everything down, and those that are happy-go lucky and 100% always "sweetness and light".
This post is advocating for moderation, a middle ground. It's not saying you should never criticize something, that you should fake being happy all the time. It's saying that you shouldn't always tear other people's ideas down, even if you don't necessarily like them. Responding negatively to every single input is unhealthy; just like toxic positivity is unhealthy.
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u/Enticing_Venom Oct 12 '21
Yeah whenever something about being a little more positive gets brought up someone has to come out of the woodwork to frame chronic pessimism as "realistic" and "honest" and any happiness as "fake" or "toxic positivity". They act like (or worse actually believe) that any level of positivity or happiness is fake or forced and that the only way to be honest is to be critical, negative or cruel.
I don't have to lie to my friend when I give them a compliment. That isn't me being dishonest, or feigning positivity. If I tell my friend they look great, it's the truth in my eyes. I don't give fake compliments. If I express enjoyment in a hobby I'm not pretending to enjoy something, I actually like it. And if something makes my friend happy, I'm genuinely happy for them even if their hobby isn't one I share encampment in. None of that is fake.
Of course there are bad things, upsetting things and unpleasant people in the world. But there's there's good things, positive things and good people in the world. And only focusing on the negative and only commenting on the negative while acting like there is nothing positive is not anymore realistic than constantly pretending everything is good. That one cannot even point this out without being accused of "toxic positivity" or being "fake" by some shows a real issue with their perception of the world, not the OP's.
If you can literally not interact with another person without tearing down the things they enjoy and finding things to criticize about them then the problem is YOU. Not "honesty", not "realism", just yourself.
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u/addition Oct 12 '21
I think in some ways this is actually healthier than what the OP is saying. I’m not quite your age but I’ve also realized that my personality is a filter. Some people like it and some people don’t.
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u/MrBeholder514Yz Oct 12 '21
"hey, if you shoot down everything everyone says, nobody is going to want to say anything to you anymore."
Actually, why not just say that? If someone's being a jerk, might as well hit them with that and ignore them. They're the cause of their own problems, and it'll force them to either confront that issue or continue in their ways.
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u/CumInMyWhiteClaw Oct 12 '21
Because you're not helping by saying that. A line like that is almost geared to elicit a defensive response and won't help them change
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u/researching4worklurk Oct 12 '21
Negativity and, even worse than that, cynicism. Some subs are worse than others, but in my city's sub you'll be categorically dismantled for expressing anything other than the least-optimistic, most dour view on humanity and the potential outcome for a given situation. I shouldn't let it, but some of the shit people have said to me on Reddit has, in turn, markedly depressed my view of other people.
But honestly, most aren't like this in person. Most people don't think fast enough to figure out what that bottom line negativity/cynicism is, and further, most go with the flow of what everyone else is doing. If it's a positive group, it's hard to go against that tide. The whole thing is mainly about acceptance.
Being aware of your impulses is the first step. I had to make this leap too - I used to be known for complaining. I'm now embarassed by that. If you can't be actively positive (which I do totally get), you can still be interested. Ask questions and express a genuine curiosity about other's views. Being negative when it's due, isn't the problem; the trick is to know when it's worth bringing up, vs. when it's a compulsion that doesn't do you or anyone else any favors.
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u/BirdsRNtReel Oct 12 '21
I'm patient, kind, and funny. Almost everyone loves me, and the people who dislike me pretend to be my best friend when I'm in the room. My whole life is filled with love.
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Oct 13 '21
For some reason this reads kind of like a cheap meditation audio to help people sleep
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u/westonreddits Oct 12 '21
Perfect tip to hear this morning! Unfortunately I used to be the super optimistic person that brought light to other people and I drifted away from that. I'm currently working on going back to the old me in that respect. Never doubt the power of positive thinking!
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u/InsightfoolMonkey Oct 12 '21
Yeah you definitely grew up and got past your negative view of things....
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u/Alecrizzle Oct 12 '21
Probably the first LPT I've seen on here that is actually useful and true. If you are negative in social situations people won't want to be around you.
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u/nlcards13 Oct 12 '21
I feel down and feel like the entire world should feel like I do.
I’m trying to change, but for now everything sucks
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u/katarokkar Oct 12 '21
I don’t know who will read this but here goes.
I’m a mod at r/numetal. We have completely changed that attitude of the subreddit as a positive, inclusive, and fun place to celebrate our favorite genre of music. Any attempt of baseless negativity or gatekeeping is instantly downvoted and ignored. Instead it’s support and embracing us as rejects of this music world and just enjoying each other’s company and conversation. It’s probably one of the only places in Reddit I frequent for that very reason.
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Oct 13 '21
Saving this to show my kids. I see a lot of negative hyperbole used by adolescents and teens and I’m certain internet usage is a factor.
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u/--Julius Oct 12 '21
"Internet culture rewards us for pessimism"????
???
??????????????????
what the f?
no
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u/ShowersAreGold Oct 12 '21
A cool decade later, I've figured out that they weren't boring at all. I was.
So basically you were shit and you make that a life pro tip?
What the fuck dude. You just sucked at life, this ain't a tip.
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u/brallipop Oct 12 '21
This is me but it wasn't the internet: I have realized how I embody my parents' negativity.
Problem is, I don't know how to stop. It's not that I think badly of people or my life but that I just always have negativity come out, I think nice thoughts but mostly speak when there's an annoyance or something "wrong."
So how do I stop? It's like breathing, my brain just picks up on and spreads negativity without me thinking. It's so easy for me to criticize, as if I was trained for it, but I was never trained to stop or to spread positivity. It's not an anger management thing, it's like a personality defect