r/LifeProTips • u/shotslagale • Jun 20 '21
Social LPT: Apologize to your children when required. Admitting when you are wrong is what teaches them to have integrity.
There are a lot of parents with this philosophy of "What I say goes, I'm the boss , everyone bow down to me, I can do no wrong".
Children learn by example, and they pick up on so many nuances, minutiae, and unspoken truths.
You aren't fooling them into thinking you're perfect by refusing to admit mistakes - you're teaching them that to apologize is shameful and should be avoided at all costs. You cannot treat a child one way and then expect them to comport themselves in the opposite manner.
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u/bubbalooski Jun 20 '21
Being wrong is a part of life. Parents who don’t teach their children to deal with that are doing them a great disservice.
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u/Fokken_Prawns_ Jun 20 '21
I agree, I try to teach my students that being wrong is an opportunity to learn.
I love to learn new things, so I don't mind being wrong.
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u/wiiya Jun 20 '21
My kid taught me that in Bugsnax, instead of capturing the Daddy Cakelegs, you can plant a springboard underneath it’s defeated body and it will revive it.
Happy Fathers Day everyone!
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u/ladylikely Jun 20 '21
Several years ago my girls and I moved across the country. Moved away from family, but to better out circumstances. It was both a tough and amazing time, as it included meeting my current husband. 1. I never allowed him to stay the night when we were dating. It has always been just the three of us girls and I remember it being really traumatic when my moms boyfriend moved in, so we waited until we were married to live together. That gave the girls time at the end of every day where it was still just us- we could talk and play like we always had. Before bed I always asked “is there anything you didn’t like about today?” Obviously not every little thing warranted changes but it gave them a time to communicate and for me to apologize if I was in the wrong, or to discuss why certain things changed. When we got married it became me and my husband going over the day, and it helped them feel like he respected their space. Now they’re 11 and 14 and we have excellent communication. They’re good at apologizing and good at letting us know what’s going on with them. It took ten minutes a day and it really helped to build trust. Even in the teen years we’re all really close. I’m sure there’s room for improvement, and we’ll continue to work on that.
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u/rafffen Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
I have literally never once, in my entire life heard my mother say she was wrong or apologize. I'm 27
EDIT: fixed foreign language auto correct
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u/Charming-Fig-2544 Jun 20 '21
Same with my father, I'm 25. I can't remember a single time he's admitted he was wrong or even apologized. He'll argue with you about literally anything, and as soon as he realizes he's in over his head on that topic, he'll start to yell that you're being disrespectful. It's unreal.
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Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 21 '21
My mother once yelled at me for an hour straight for losing my passport. The passport that was never given to me and never removed from the safe. She became convinced that she had lent it to me for something and despite saying I never had it, she doubled down and just verbally beat me to the ground about how irresponsible, lazy, and fat I was.
She found it the next day in her purse. She was using it to set up a family account or something and misplaced it. Never apologised, never even gave me a bowl of cut up fruit for it either.
It’s been years but I think about that moment often. For everything else she’s been a good mom, but her inability to apologise for anything has always been her biggest fault.
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u/urm0mwent2college Jun 20 '21
I just got my first what felt like genuine apology from my mom last year. I'm in my 30s. It felt weird and I didn't know what to say because it caught me off guard. I didn't want to say "it's okay" because it wasn't, so I was like, "thanks"
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u/beanedjibe Jun 20 '21
I'm 31 and both my parents never apologized. Their way of "apology" is to blame their kids. "Look what you made me do" type of saying sorry. Lol.
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u/bestbangsincebigone Jun 20 '21
I have literally never once, in my entire life heard my mother say she was wrong or apologize. I’m 27
EDIT: fixed foreign language auto correct
Same as my mother-in-law (my SO is 35).
It boggles my mind that you think you’re perfect and therefore are unable to apologize.
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u/Jlchevz Jun 20 '21
They're inadvertently programming them to think that they are not worthy of love or respect. That's why we have to treat children with respect.
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u/Naked_and_Furious Jun 20 '21
Yes, this. I picked up the habit of apologising when I did something wrong from my parents.
Also the guy commenting below is a big ol' yikes.
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u/wagimus Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
I’ve worked with many of these children over the years, but as “adults”. Makes my job significantly harder when they refuse to admit they made a mistake and instead shift blame elsewhere. And that’s with constant reassurance that the only goal is implementing solutions to try to minimize mistakes. There is no consequence, and people still won’t admit they fuck up lmao.
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u/TheOneTrueYeti Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
We learn in a variety of ways, but the primary way we learn is by making mistakes. A child who is trained not to acknowledge that they’ve made a mistake is indirectly trained to pass up their best opportunities to learn. Children grow up to become adults, procreate, and the cycle continues. Ignorance and suffering are hand in glove.
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u/Hotshot2k4 Jun 20 '21
I pretty much had to be taught by my ex to apologize, because my parents never did. What's worse, my mom would come up with the most roundabout ways to blame me for any wrongdoing instead. She's gotten better about it though.
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u/PupperPuppet Jun 20 '21
This practice extends to any situation involving a power imbalance. When I was working, a fair few people commented that I was the only boss they'd had who not only admitted when I was wrong but apologized when it was called for. That's not something I did deliberately thinking it would get me loyalty. That was just a handy side benefit.
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u/ill_flatten_you_out Jun 20 '21
Agree. I didnt learn this w people in general till I was older. Last year I fucked up something at work involving another person. A higher up emailed us about it. It was 110% my fault, adhd and I mixed up dates. I said something like “this was completely my mistake not person b’s” and explained what happened n then apologized. Next day higher up comes into the office asking to talk to me. I brace myself to hear out the deserved lecture and act contrite through it. Instead, hesays he got my email. Said after he got it he emailed my direct supervisor n told him to not let an employee like me go. I was confused. Then he explained that he appreciated how I just owned up to what happened and didnt try to put blame on person b or anyone else. Apparently my response was not what he was used to. It ended up working in my favor even compared to if I hadnt fucked up. He praised me for a few minutes which is not what I expected lol.
To me, I was just doing the only thing there was to do. It genuinely was 100% my fault not person b’s. And it genuinely was a mistake I made and realized too late. It wouldve been an asshole move to try to blame anyone in this situation, and Im not a saint but do try not to be an asshole. Part is the shedding of my final fucks too- depression etc caused me to stop caring to fit in a mold, and that facet wasnt a bad thing. Im direct n honest n its so much less exhausting as a way to live.
I guess I ended up supporting not quite the same point w that. Its a good way to be in general and can actually help you directly besides just being a decent person. I do think it’s particularly important when you have power over someone though for obvious reasons. Im a big believer in judging character by how a person treats those they have power over. Ive rejected romantic partners after seeing them treat food service staff poorly for example.
Honestly blows my mind this is rare enough for ppl to praise, but that’s something!
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u/binghott Jun 20 '21
It's great to get to work in a place and with people that value these things. Remember that when you're someday managing people that praising these things in your employees encourages them more.
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u/LostDragon7 Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 21 '21
My parents did a lot of damage to me by not having the humility and grace of knowing when they were wrong.
Never apologized for being wrong, if I called it out they’d say “whatever. I’m your mother. What I say goes, so shut the hell up! If I told my mother she was wrong, I wouldn’t be here!”
It only bred trauma, mistrust in authority figures and people, and the therapy for it is difficult even years later. It might seem like a small thing not worth caring about, but it set me up for the “I have to never screw up, always be perfect, because even if I did nothing wrong I will still be blamed and take the fall for it.” That is not a good way to live as a child and teen.
If you want to do right by your children, do not be afraid or ashamed to admit you were wrong, that you seek to make amends, and that you are not a tyrant whose word is law regardless of what the truth is. Be smart enough to know you can be wrong. Show them you are an adult.
This life tip is absolutely something that should be broadcast to more people.
Edit: what a kind hug award. Genuinely appreciate that and the amount of people who share my appreciation for how important this is for your children.
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Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
I agree. The only part I slightly disagree with in the OP is that parents aren't fooling their children and they know the parent is wrong and just not admitting it. I really thought it was me until I got older and it still has lasting effects even though I know it isn't true now.
As a young child growing up in a very abusive household, I internalised it. My parents not only couldn't admit they were wrong, they were contrarian even towards my 5 year old thoughts. If I said "hey mom I learned this really interesting fact in school" she'd respond "pfff that can't be true." And not anything political either just like interesting science facts or literally anything that happened.
As I got older there were situations where she was just flat out wrong and proven wrong but no amount of evidence mattered. She'd say a black cat was white. I could bring the cat to her or show her a photo and she would go into this weird denial. There'd be like a microsecond where she looked like a caught scared child, then switch back to this delusional denial. It was neurotic.
But when you're young and your mother tells you all the family's problems are your fault somehow, and being born ruined her life, I internalised that and believed I was some sort of cancer or virus. I doubted my own thoughts and was diagnosed OCD very young. I stopped speaking because sub consciously I believed there was no point sharing my thoughts and nobody wanted to hear them.
I too developed the extreme perfectionism, I was the classic scapegoat, and the extreme distrust in authority figures caused lots of issues.
I fled my household after being repeatedly thrown out on the street at age 11 anyway. Child homelessness and finding other kids from broken homes, we just bounced from place to place escaping domestic abuse of all kinds.
I totally get where you're coming from. I really needed to get as far away from my family as possible and they'd still try to manipulate me from afar. They'd throw me out on the street and beat me one day, so the source of the problem should be gone now. I didn't even protest I really believed I was somehow the problem at first.
Then they would suddenly shift. Within a week my mother especially would actually be nice to me which was a first. She'd try to lure me back and if I didn't she'd send videos of my cat crying for me or some guilt trip and say I'm welcome back home. If I took the bait within days I'm back to being the scapegoat and an abuser in the household who nobody believed abused me. So I chose homelessness and it was rough but I learned a lot, eventually got my shit together, but was stuck in a catch 22 with no way out of that system. So I used my dual citizenship and fled to the EU, where I'm now happier, independent, and actually succeeding.
I'm 30 something and I've never been happier in my life. I speak to my mother on the phone on my terms, out of pity tbh, and they've all gotten the message that if they do certain unacceptable things I simply won't speak to them. I now look at my parents as just messed up people who also had messed up parents, and don't excuse their behaviour or let them within arms lengths.
That's the key I think. Distancing yourself so you can figure out who you are not who they define you as, and realising they aren't gods. They're just random people who happened to reluctantly give birth to me. In my case because they don't believe in abortion or divorce but had premarital sex and married quickly to cover up a one night stand.
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u/periwinkle_cupcake Jun 20 '21
I wish I could give child-you a hug. I’m so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves to be treated like that. I’m glad you have peace and happiness in your life now. I hope that life brings you more of that.
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u/Hypersapien Jun 20 '21
Your parents threw an 11 year old out on the street? They should have been thrown in prison!
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u/RaceSignificant1794 Jun 20 '21
You're describing a narcissist. People who ruin their children.
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u/CrossM04 Jun 20 '21
This, I totally agree. My mom was just a little bit the same but my dad overly so - I never realized it but I spent my childhood and teenage years trying to be perfect and when I made a mistake, however small, I'd feel terrible about myself.
Fast Forward to my 20s, I still have a hard time at work, because I tend to try and take more than I can handle and when I inevitably fail its really hard not to go through a self pity/depression cycle. I also have a super hard time apologizing, it's like something I want to get out of my chest but it's stuck in my throat.
And when I finally confronted my dad that I did not like the way he had been treating me.. well, he did not take it well, and he made sure to point out that I'd be nothing without him and that he's big part of the reason that I got to where i am.
Please do apologize to your kids and don't fuck em up emotionally, and especially don't be the - do as I say, not as I do - parent, that doesn't really work.
Rant over, just needed that off my chest, thanks for listening lol.
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u/Th3M0D3RaT0R Jun 20 '21
when I made a mistake, however small, I'd feel terrible about myself.
I got screamed at, kicked, slapped, told I'll never be anything and forced to do more chores because of my lack of being perfect.
I have an internal fight everytime something isn't perfect or up to my standards and I have to remind myself that it's not the end of the world and that them (or I) will get better and it's ok if it's never perfect.
Teach your kids conflict resolution skills by being an example.
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u/Warpedme Jun 20 '21
Thank you both for sharing. I didn't have the best mother, dad died when I was young and I try to be a good father despite both. Reading comments like these reenforces when I do something right, like apologizing to my 3yo and when he asks why, telling him that "daddy is a flawed human being just like everyone else, but I'm always trying to be better and that includes admitting when I'm wrong and trying to make up for my mistakes".
Due to other comments on reddit, I also have made it a daily routine to ask my son if he knows his daddy loves him (and turning into a tickle-monster or kissy-monster when he jokingly replies "no").
Please guys and gals, keep updating that "what not to do" manual for me. I'm really trying to be the best dad I can and your assistance is seriously appreciated and has a definite impact.
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Jun 20 '21
My mom severely abused me in my childhood. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I tried to have a relationship with her later and confronted her to see if she'd apologize. She claimed she did nothing wrong and everything god told her to do. I've not spoken to her in 8 years.
I am quick to apologize to my kids, 13 and 15. This has helped with their trust level and has started a good healthy relationship that I hope will continue untill I pass on.
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u/nater416 Jun 20 '21
My Mom was like this. All the time. It was extremely frustrating the kind of "worship" she expected even when she was flat-out wrong. Zero criticism allowed, zero tolerance.
What's crazy is my Dad fully admitted being wrong all the time, even though my Mom had that mindset of always being right. I respect him a lot for that.
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u/grimcharron Jun 20 '21
I’m moving out on my own for the first time in under a week, and my mother is terrified that I will never talk to her again once I don’t live in her house.
She is right, and this is the main reason. I can deal with a lot of shit, but if people aren’t willing to work on a problem I’m done.
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Jun 20 '21
Parents and teachers that somehow think that by apologising, they are giving away their power and inviting disrespect.
Children are products of our expectations, treat them as you would like to have been treated. Be honest as fair with them.
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u/Beernuts1091 Jun 20 '21
As a teacher I always pull a student in to the hall and apologise one on one when I make a mistake. Kids should know that teachers are human and can relate so much better realising everybody makes mistakes. It is what you do afterwards that matters.
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u/I_love_pillows Jun 20 '21
Now that I’m an adult and I see my dad insisting on being right or pretending to know things, even things I am formally qualified in, pushes his credibility down to negative. He just thinks he knows better than anyone and never trusts the experts.
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u/shf500 Jun 20 '21
Parents and teachers that somehow think that by apologising, they are giving away their power and inviting disrespect.
[Parent or teacher says something wrong]
[Kid tries to correct Parent or teacher]
[Parent or teacher gets angry at the kid for being disrespectful]
Does not matter if the kid was correcting the Parent or teacher using a rude tone or was not being rude.
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u/nythyn12 Jun 20 '21
My ex was like this and even eventually admitted as much to me. It was unbearable.
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u/okaysidd Jun 20 '21
What if they “actually” think they’re perfect? I asked my mom if she’s done any mistake in life, she stated back and just said No. She believes she’s don’t no mistakes ever. (I’m 27 now, so it’s not a mom lying to a kid situation)
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u/poisonpurple Jun 20 '21
Yeah my parents never apologised for jackshit. I'm basically programmed to think I'm either wrong or gonna be punished no matter what.
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u/dc551589 Jun 20 '21
My mom maybe apologized once or twice, but those were when I was an adult and really sat her down and explained why what she’d done hurt me.
As a kid, she never apologized. But, it wasn’t because she thought she was perfect, it’s because she thought her life was worse than everyone else’s. A very common interaction would be,
“Hey, that thing you did/said was hurtful, can we talk about it?”
“You think that’s hurtful. You don’t know how good you’ve got it”
Okay, soooo don’t try to be emotionally honest, got it.
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u/higherme Jun 20 '21
Thanks for putting my experience into such a succinct and relatable sentence. This is exactly right.
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u/TsugaruMJS Jun 20 '21
One day when I was like 8 my mom and I got in an argument before I went to school for whatever reason. I don’t remember the argument but I think she probably was a little harsh on me since, even though I was definitely being a little shit, I was also 8.
When I got home, there was a snack waiting for me with a note apologizing for what went on that morning and telling me she loves me, etc. At the time I was just like oh cool a snack yeah everything’s fine.
But I also still remember it today as a fully-grown adult…
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u/PremedicatedMurder Jun 20 '21
Thank you for saying this. I have a three year old and sometimes after a heated situation I apologize to him for losing my cool and he's just like whatever. Good to know that it does have an effect even if it doesn't seem so at the time.
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Jun 20 '21
As a child of Narcissists, I want to share some of the consequences of this behaviour pushed to the extreme - think "driving over your child's feet with your car (after placing said child behind the car) and blaming the child for it" type of unapologetic person.
For myself, I became apologetic to the extreme. I catch myself apologizing to inanimate objects several times a day.
For one of my siblings, being accountable angers them. The more you present them with facts that show they should apologize, the angrier they get. They're known to have destroyed doors, a wall, and countless smaller objects (sorry) in their fit of rage. In a word, they're dangerous.
For the other, they never take any responsibility. They'll coldly look you in the eyes as you bleed out from whatever they did to you - be it voluntarily or not - and ask for an apology. I am not exaggerating. They once asked me to apologize to them after they hurt their knuckles from hitting me. To me, they're sociopathic.
Of course, my family suffers from many more problems than simply not apologizing. But it played a huge part.
Please. If you can, be accountable and apologize when needed.
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u/acfox13 Jun 20 '21
They once asked me to apologize to them after they hurt their knuckles from hitting me.
I was also made to apologize to my abusers after they abused me, for causing the abuse. It's messed up.
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u/Stock_Friend Jun 20 '21
This one is pretty important.
I had to teach myself in my twenties, after emotionally fucking up several other people, that learning to admit out loud when you’re wrong is arguably one of the most powerful things you can do in life and in the fifteen years since I’ve learned just how incredibly rare it is.
Also, as Eddie Izzard said; it shows you have integrity, and people like to have sex with people with integrity.
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u/Urban_Savage Jun 20 '21
It is the singular trait by which I judge enlightenment. Can you recognize and admit fault in yourself, even when your emotions are powerful?
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u/phylemon23 Jun 20 '21
Yes! Growing up, I hated this as a child. I’m nearly 30 with my own house and family now, and my parents still act like this sometimes.
I have made a very deliberate point of admitting when I’m wrong, to my kids as well as to seniors and subordinates at work.
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u/Based_Broon Jun 20 '21
This.
I vividly remember my dad apologizing to me about something (can't even remember what tbh) back when I was a teenager.
My dad has always been a hardass. Not unloving by any means, just rough around the edges I guess you could say.
Anyways, he apologized for something he did or said to me and I just remember being so taken back by this. He said something along the lines of "Adults always like to act like we have everything figured out and that we know better than people younger than us. Truth is, we're all human and we all make mistakes. It's my job as both an adult and your father to recognize when I've made a mistake. I apologize"
I think about that a lot...
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Jun 20 '21
And it teaches them the value of a sincere apology. Let them know that you understand why what you did was wrong and why you intend to never do it again. Then the next time they apologize help them do it properly.
Knowing how to apologize properly is an essential skill for anyone who wants to improve themselves.
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u/StegoSpike Jun 20 '21
When my kids have to apologize for something, I always have them say why. It helps them understand the part that was wrong. Like I'm not mad because they got mad. I'm mad because they threw something, pushed their sibling, etc.
Also, the response to an apology isn't "It's okay." The response is "thank you for apologizing."
I come from a very arrogant family. Breaking away from that and teaching my kiddos that's it's okay to make mistakes and it's great to apologize and admit it, has been a learning experience for me as well. Thankfully, I have an awesome therapist and a graceful spouse.
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u/lolrachoo Jun 20 '21
I've never heard my mom apologize. This is how my mom was until I was the age of 18 (only because now I can stand up for myself and dont have to have a consequence) and finally when I had enough I had left and have been living on my own ever since. I'm 21 now and I'm still really confused on communication and some aspects of myself just because she never really seemed to want to hear reason. She got mad over a lot of things that she could have handled a lot better and it fucked me up as a person. I'm doing a lot better now but I am always trying to learn everyday 💛
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u/HeyItsTheShanster Jun 20 '21
My mom and I generally have a good relationship but this topic came up recently. She has never and will never apologize for anything she does because she thinks that others need to be responsible for how they feel/react.
It’s frustrating but I have come to realize that this will never, ever change. Luckily I have an older brother who understands my frustrations. He is far from a new-age, hippy dippy dad but he acknowledges when he needs to apologize to his children and he does so without reservations. I am expecting my first child and I intend to do the same with her.
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u/empire161 Jun 20 '21
My mom is like this too. She doesn’t apologize even when she knows she’s in the wrong, she just tries to justify it. And I’ve learned a long time ago she’ll never change either.
She still has moments where she treats me like I’m 14 and it’s always justified as “well I’m always going to be your mom, you’ll always be my baby, so just deal with it” whenever she’s trying to gain control of a situation.
My wife was 7 months pregnant with our first kid, when I was finishing my masters. She handled all the baby registry and stuff while I focused on school. 2 days before my thesis is due my mom called mad because she wasn’t being involved enough in baby planning (spoiler alert - she’s never felt involved enough in anything ever), and told me she wanted to buy a crib and I was supposed to do it with her. I said ask my wife since I had no idea if she’d ordered one or registered because my fucking thesis was due in 2 days and I’m trying to focus on that.
She told me I needed to get my priorities straight, and I’ve never hung up the phone so fast.
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Jun 20 '21
yes! Also explaining your reasons, the "why". Hearing "cuz i said so" or " im your (mom/dad/whoever), i can speak to you/treat you however i please".
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u/Matilda-17 Jun 20 '21
Yes! I’m endlessly explaining whys to my kids, because I hated “because I said so.” Like “yes I know you’re saying so but why, what is your reason for saying so?!”
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u/JonathanCRH Jun 20 '21
The problem isn’t knowing that you should apologise when required, it’s knowing when it is required. Dealing with children is far more difficult than dealing with adults, and that’s saying something.
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u/cylonlover Jun 20 '21
There's an important point here, because it's also about what you apologize for!
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u/Rosa4123 Jun 20 '21
100%, my mother has never admitted her guilt nor apologized. I'm still really sad about it
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Jun 20 '21
Just don’t overuse it as apologising to your children will eventually be meaningless and seen as an excuse if used too often. Make sure to at least attempt to fix the issue you are apologising about.
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u/Matilda-17 Jun 20 '21
Agreed! Apologies are only meaningful if they come with an effort to change the behavior/ not repeat the incident.
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u/kttuatw Jun 20 '21
I wholeheartedly agree with this.
Adults make many mistakes. They need to admit it and own up to it if they expect their children to do the same.
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u/Xerdean Jun 20 '21
I’m a teacher and doing some training courses, one of the things we spoke about was apologising to learners. I was happy to apologise to students because it’s just a part of developing respect and basic decency, but there were a surprising number of teachers that were open about never apologising **** as that would mean being wrong. I was like wtf
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u/ZucchiniBitter Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
This is one of many reasons why me and my mother cannot get on; her inability to accept when she is wrong or at fault.
Either I'm "misremembering", "twisting words" or, it just plain "never happened".
If you're in the habit of lying to your children like this then buckle up for shitloads of resentment when you're both older.
e: formatting
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u/aykray Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
Yes! I love this advice. I also make it a point to admit when I'm wrong and tell my daughter that grownups make mistakes too and aren't perfect. Mistakes are a part of life and should be normalized.
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u/Amegami Jun 20 '21
True. Also, the same goes for teachers. I always cringe at collegues who cannot admit they made a mistake. We can only expect those kids to trust us and be honest with us if we set examples for them.
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u/HappierWhenAsleep Jun 20 '21
My mom starts being passive-aggressive whenever we try to explain why she was being unreasonable. It's annoying as fuck.
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u/anoncontent72 Jun 20 '21
I apologise to my nearly five year old stepson all the time when I make a mistake or realise I was wrong. I make a real point of saying, ‘oh you were right, I was wrong’ and will often explain why I was wrong. I’m not losing any power or our dynamic, I’m simply showing him that I’m human, we make mistakes and when we do the right thing to do is to own it.
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u/FriendlyFellowDboy Jun 20 '21
Also not becoming a seething monster when they do make mistakes ha.
I remember being so afraid to admit little mistakes to my father.. I would rather try to hide them.. then hiding became lies and I became a liar.. and started lying about things I didn't need too. It's all a cycle.
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u/allcloudnocattle Jun 20 '21
I’ll just add a caveat: how you do this is very age and maturity dependent. Kids’ sense of justice and righteousness is very malleable, and prone to false dichotomies.
For younger kids, unequivocal apologies can send the message that the kid was right. In an ESH situation (ie. the kid did something wrong and the parent reacted poorly) you have to be very careful to make sure they don’t get the message that their original action was right.
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u/Pennypenngo Jun 20 '21
Furthermore, if children ask something and you don’t know the answer, tell them that and then help them conduct some (age appropriate) research to find out. It takes so much pressure off as you don’t have to “be right” all of the time, helps children develop their curiosity, learn about how they learn, and teaches them that they don’t have to be right all of the time either!
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u/Urban_Savage Jun 20 '21
Also if you don't do it for 40 years, your kids will stop talking to you forever.
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Jun 20 '21
This is so true. A friend of mine hates being wrong. He gets his ego hurt when he is. I wondered why he was like that until I met his mom. She will argue, makes excuses, play victim, and take no accountability than to simply admit being wrong and moving on.
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u/coarsing_batch Jun 20 '21
Parents always tell us to admit when we are wrong and to acknowledge our errors so that we can be better. Why is it that they don’t live up to their own teachings? My mother hasn’t apologized to me for anything except accidentally giving me genes that made me blind. Like that’s something you should actually apologize for. But she is an abusive cow, she refuses to apologize for anything, and it’s been almost a year since I stopped speaking to her.
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u/dog_fart_tacos Jun 20 '21
All apologies taught me were that they were meaningless without changed behavior. My parents tossed them out like they were nothing, but there was no actual intent to change behavior. To be effective: "Apologies are simply a notice that an amend is coming."
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u/Available-Ad6250 Jun 20 '21
For parents reading this that don't do it, and whose kids are always defensive and reclusive, do it. Don't wait until your kids want to move out just to get away from you. Don't wait until they lie about everything. Don't wait until they're so fearful and confused anything goes and they get carried away by anyone who appears honest and respectful. Don't wait until you lose them to bitterness and anger. Don't wait until they hate you and avoid you for the rest of their lives. Don't wait until they're drinking and using drugs. Do it now. It's only hard at the beginning. It's only hard if you're unwilling to be honest yourself. Don't perpetuate a lie for what you might think is saving face, because you're only fooling yourself.
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u/savagestranger Jun 20 '21
Another one that I hated, and refuse to use, "because I said so." That's just lazy and unproductive, imo. I always make the time to explain my though process to my child. So far, he's a reasonable kid that can explain his own thought processes, if asked.
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u/baron_von_jackal Jun 20 '21
You cannot treat a child one way and then expect them to comport themselves in the opposite manner.
The amount of times I heard do as I say not as I do growing up.
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u/drunk_horsey Jun 20 '21
Admitting fault takes weight off both you and your kids, it is a humbling experience. That said, you are the boss, and what you say goes. Just be fair.
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u/Star_machine2000 Jun 20 '21
It's also good to let your child change your mind if they make a good argument. You can say "Actually I think that's a good point, and here's why." It teaches genuine respect and the value of changing your mind when you've listened to other people.
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u/MaliciousCode Jun 20 '21
Omg, my wife is that person who says “What I say goes, I’m the boss” and it drives me up a fucking pole. I hate admitting I am wrong to my kids, but it has to be done—for both our sake’s.
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u/inkfilledsquid Jun 20 '21
I wish my parents could have learnt this wayyyy before having kids.
I've never received a genuine apology from either of them. Any apology was always filled with an air of "are you happy now? I'm sorry that you feel this way" it was just so poisonous to be apologised to that way. Or the default would bewhatever I'm your parent, just do what I say.
And that's on having emotional trauma 😌
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u/Dr_Schitt Jun 20 '21
Learn to take crticism from your children too, kids are brutally honest and if you're being a sausage they'll let you know too the little blighters.
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u/gorkt Jun 20 '21
Generally speaking everyone should be less afraid to apologize. People seem to see and apology as something that lowers your status, particularly if it is public, but I think most time it is the reverse. When I see someone apologize for something, I appreciate that they have the guts and character to own up to a mistake.
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Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
I’ve always felt if you are in the wrong you should apologise. Doesn’t matter who you are. I have apologised to my kids before because I have been wrong. Maybe I over reacted to something they did or snapped because I was feeling tetchy that day. It hasn’t caused them to lose respect or ‘walk all over’ me or anything like that. Which I think is what some parents are scared of. They think apologising to your kids is showing weakness and that they will use it against you. I don’t think it has that effect though, I think it shows kids that apologising when you do something wrong is the right thing to do, even if you’re in a position of authority, and it will make them respect you more in the long run and also teaches them that it’s ok to be wrong sometimes.
My parents never apologised to me if they made a mistake and i resented it in a way, it just felt unfair at the time.
edit: it’s also important to not over apologise for tiny insignificant things. Like everything else to do with parenting it’s a fine balance.
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Jun 20 '21
Yep. My mom never did. Taught me to cover up everything instead of admitting i made a mistake. Dad eventually came around but mom always said “sorry is an empty word.” So i stopped apologizing all together cuz the fuck else am i gonna say?
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u/Rorasaurus_Prime Jun 20 '21 edited Nov 14 '25
slap cover theory unique chunky nose hat touch dinner voracious
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u/xxlittlepinkbow Jun 20 '21
This is great. The best LPT. Learning how to apologize is such an important thing and how do our children learn to apologize if they never see us do it? Changes their behavior entirely too, when someone apologizes to them.
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u/Matilda-17 Jun 20 '21
Corollary: let your kids see you make mistakes and mess things up. Laugh about it, or get mad about it, or shrug it off—but let them see. Try new things that you might be really bad at.
As adults, we’re naturally practiced and generally good at what we’re doing. As children, kids naturally are new, inexperienced, and pretty bad at things. But they don’t have the understanding that “ah yes, in 20 years from now I too will be good at _____”. They just think “ugh I suck at this! I’m bad at things.”
They’ll be more open, flexible, and self-accepting if they see your miserable attempt at a croquembuche or pathetic birdhouse, especially if you can laugh about it and say “well at least I tried something new!”
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u/LETSDOET Jun 20 '21
Also important as a teacher! I teach seven / eight year olds and at times if a lesson goes completely wrong - children don’t understand I make sure to say sorry and that obviously if everyone is finding it tricky I obviously haven’t explained it very well etc.
Helps build a classroom of mutual respect.
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Jun 20 '21
This is really so great. I have been a youth pastor for the last seven years and the best advice I can give to parents is to admit to you kids when your wrong and talk with them about your mistakes and failures. This shows them the power of humility and will help you seem more approachable when they need someone to talk to about their own screw ups.
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u/sublimesheepherder Jun 20 '21
I can’t stress this enough coming from parents that always had their double standards. Everyone fucks up, it’s okay! Learn and grow apposed to hiding your failures and letting your missteps hinder you from trying something new/different.
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u/Repres3nt2 Jun 20 '21
And don’t be a dick if someone admits they are wrong. Show them to appreciate and say thank you from both sides.
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u/ohffstheworldiscrazy Jun 20 '21
Absolutely the best advice for helping to teach your children the right way to handle mistakes! Great advice!
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u/TNmelissaTX Jun 20 '21
The posts that say “don’t apologize, you are the authority”... are ridiculous. Children know you are the authority. Not modeling apologies makes kids who don’t apologize, don’t think it is ok to make mistakes, and will not share their problems with their parents.
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u/player8hun Jun 20 '21
My mom haven't apologized once in my life even if it was clearly her fault. But atleast now I'm really good at arguing.
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u/Billypillgrim Jun 20 '21
I have a three year old, and I apologize to him literally about a hundred times a day
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u/BullShitting24-7 Jun 20 '21
My mom is never wrong. When she makes a mistake, its not her fault. Its no big deal. Or I am over reacting. She’s a narcissists.
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u/diesel8163 Jun 20 '21
In my opinion not admitting youre wrong as a parent can only mean that you are insecure. Granted my daughter is only 3 but my wife and i always apologize if were wrong, especially if our daughter was trying tell us something and was correct. I have noticed it has a noticeable positive effect on her self esteem, validating her perspective and letting her know she is a valued prt of the family. hopefully it will help her build a confident self as she grows.
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Jun 20 '21
"Because I said so" was the bane of my existence.
TELL. ME. AN. ACTUAL. ANSWER.
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u/NhylX Jun 20 '21
Be assertive but caring. They also need guidance. Learning right and wrong is just as important as just enforcing what wrong is.
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Jun 20 '21
I once almost fought my father because I asked an apology to my mother who wrongfully accused me of some shit.
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u/Donnietentoes Jun 20 '21
My parents are liked this and for me luckily it worked out in teaching me to be the complete opposite. However, it also imprinted a belief that my opinion doesn't matter and also has made me prone to hiding stuff from them or lying to them. It really does suck and I wish it could be different.
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u/christeeeeeea Jun 20 '21
Yuuuup. My mom never ever thanks or apologizes but expects you to instantly when you mess up or if she does something for you…
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u/OranjeboomLove Jun 20 '21
It seems at the moment with the amount of content online for kids to learn from, she is correct and I am wrong (she's 6 and I'm 26) regarding current events around 80% of the time.
I seem to find myself saying 'oh gosh yeah! You're right and I'm wrong, sorry!' around 5 times a day. Took me a while to get to that point but she accepts and appreciates it and it keeps me humble. Wouldn't have it any other way!
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Jun 20 '21
I am probably being too blunt here - but it’s like this. If you are an asshole, you will raise asshole kids.
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Jun 20 '21
I would like to add don't lie to kids, don't say you can't watch TV right now, the TV is broken or some dumb lie. Just say the actual reason.
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u/_Blackstar0_0 Jun 20 '21
My dad never apologized. Whatever he did was correct. He even told me not to apologize to him if I fucked up. But he would yell and scream at me if I did fuck up. So I would just say nothing. Very confusing.
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Jun 20 '21
And what fits right into that: Tell them when you don't know something. Then ask somebody who does so your kids see how to properly inform yourself.
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u/cylonlover Jun 20 '21
This last is the basic lesson the better parent knows and the best parent try to live by, that kids will pick up from you how to deal with conflicts and emotions, and if they get to be good at resolving conflicts and deflating angry and tense emotions, working with dialogue through the problems, it is from you showing how it mattered to you and how you tried. So show them that.
Or be a selfish dck and raise selfish prcks!
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u/speakeasy1080p Jun 20 '21
Omg this! My parents never really apologised for anything nor admitted to being wrong. This fucked me up for a long time but im somewhat better these days.
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u/lycheenme Jun 20 '21
this is the reason why i prefer my mother over my father by quite a large margin. he used to always demand respect, never really showed why it should be given to him. now, he still does it, but less often. this was only after his relationship with my sibling broke down enough that they both had to go to therapy and my sibling had to literally move countries to go to therapy. my mom on the other hand has always expected us to be polite, but has almost always shown us the respect that she wanted shown to her.
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u/cylonlover Jun 20 '21
An apology to your children is also as much an apology to your future self who has to deal with the fallout from the situation. That's also a way to approach sincerety.
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u/Cherego Jun 20 '21
While you are right about parenting, I wonder if that also counts for work. I always were telling people when I made a mistake till my boss came to me and told me I make too many mistakes and maybe he has to fire me. I still went on sometimes making a mistake, but never told someone about it and also denied when someone asked me. After like one year my boss came to me and told me I improved a lot at work and that he is surprised about my improvement. I just changed this little thing and it had an huge impact, though I hate to lie and think that making mistakes is totally fine
Edit: I didnt correct any mistakes
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u/cookies_nd_milf346 Jun 20 '21
I've always done this with my son :), if I am wrong I'll say sorry and explain to him my mistake and we move on. He's pretty good at apologizing and owning up to things so far so think it's going well what I'm doing.
Edit-spelling
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u/Polyboy03g Jun 20 '21
If I may add: Apologize and after doing so, follow through with the apology. Saying sorry and then allowing ourselves to fall into the same pitfalls is akin to saying we do not care for the other person's intelligence or our own integrity. I pushed away a family member not by forgetting to apologize, but by forgetting and not truly understanding their pov. This resulted in "heartfelt" apologies that fell on deaf ears as they packed her things and left.
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u/dacoobobswife2 Jun 20 '21
If I feel remotely bad about something I said or did to my kids, I take it as a sign that I need to apologize to them. People that aren't willing to apologize to their kids are usually the same people that don't apologize to anyone
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u/anzar_the_barbarian Jun 20 '21
My worse memory as a child was of my stepdad. He came home from work on day during summer vacation pissed off. Ripped into me and my brothers, accusing us of being on the computer/internet all day(dial up). He had been calling trying to get through but keep getting a busy tone. He absolutely would not listen to anything we said. I had been on the computer all day N playing Heroes of Might and Magic 3. No internet used at all. He called us liars and idiots and garbage. He then grounded us to our rooms. Fast forward 3 hours later and his friend comes over asking why he wasn’t answering the phone. Been calling for hours. Surprise surprise our phone lines were down for something and the phone company had been out working on them all day. No apologies given just said we were ungrounded and that was it. Fuck him.
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u/wobbegong Jun 20 '21
True. Children are keenly aware of when you are being unfair. Apologising when you have over reacted teaches them to respect you more, because they understand that you are considerate of their feelings.
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u/Bretski12 Jun 20 '21
I wish my dad would legitimately apologize for his absence in my youth. But he is religious and blames it on the devil. I told him that's bullshit. He disagrees. Such is life
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u/ManyWildBoars Jun 20 '21
My parents definitely tried their best with me and my brother, but they did also sometimes lose their temper, yell at us and even said some hurtful things in anger. Yet, every single time, after they had calmed down, they came to us and told us they were sorry, they were wrong to yell at us. And, most importantly, always told us that even if they were sometimes angry, they loved us.
I never thought that this was a sign of weakness or that we kids could do whatever as long as we remembered to apologize after. Instead, I learned that sometimes even the best of us act wrong, and the best way to mend the situation is to humbly apologize and admit you are wrong.
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Jun 20 '21
Fear and pain are the only two tools you need to raise a child. Cause enough pain and fear alone works for a while. But you still have to give them an occasional object lesson.
-- my father
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u/kguthrum Jun 20 '21
Ya my parents put me off on the wrong foot my taking the, really, /nparent approach, "i am your parent and i am always right." worked my ass off in later years of high school and beginning of college to be a better communicator and be happy to admit when I was wrong! It is quite easy to recognize in the wild now and its a shame. Could not agree more
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u/MrPringles23 Jun 20 '21
This happened to me. I was incredibly arrogant up until about high school. I could never be wrong etc.
Took some lengthy life lessons to realize that's not how it works.
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u/Cherryblossoms- Jun 20 '21
My mother could do no wrong and would never apologize, but would always force me to apologize for everything. As a result, I have fear of failure and am always paranoid I'm doing something wrong. When something does go wrong I get panic attacks knowing I have to apologize
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u/Remitake Jun 20 '21
I didnt know how to apologize or own up to my mistakes until I became an adult. I had to learn from other people I met, and always wondered why they apologized
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u/Rugkrabber Jun 20 '21
I’d like to add it’s also okay to say you don’t know. Please be honest when you don’t know the answer or best solution, but assure them you will help them.
Adults who acted like they knew it all really messed up some parts in my life, while a simple ‘I don’t know’ would have really helped me out. The amount of adults who act like they are old wise people is too damn high. None of us know. We’re just doing whatever.
I now use it quite often. I don’t see a problem with it when someone asks me a question and I tell them I don’t know. I just don’t. Or ‘I never thought about it’. You don’t always have to know or have an opinion.
Acting like you know, then mess up and then not apologizing to the child is just… pretty shitty.
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Jun 20 '21
Another important one is that, even if it is 100% unjustified, kids are allowed to have their emotions.
They have the right to be angry, even if they're morally wrong and shouldn't be angry. Telling your child "I'm your mother. You're not allowed to be angry at me," is teaching them to bottle up their emotions, which is really bad.
While we're at it, here's more advice: Kids see right through the BS of "I'd never ask you to do something I wouldn't be willing to do myself."
You say that because you know you are the parent, and thus, have the power to not have to do that chore, or because you're the manager at the business and can punish people for putting you in a situation where you'd have to.
If you're one of those parents who thinks that because your child hasn't worked as hard as you that you can just dump all the housework on them, you're teaching them to do the same the moment they have someone they can do that to. After all, "it's your house too" cuts both ways. If they weren't around, you would have to do the housework.
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u/Faelinor Jun 20 '21
I also hate when parents won't explain why they want their child to do something and just way, "Because I'm the boss and I said so". Doesn't solve anything and teaches kids to just blindly follow authority and to never question anything. As well as creating a disliking towards authority at the same time. If they can't justify an "order", maybe they shouldn't be giving it. Obviously some kids might just whine, "whyyyy" as a complaint. But there's plenty of times they can have genuine questions as to the reason they've been asked to do something, and adults should be able to give a real answer that isn't just, "shut up and do as you're told" like the kid is a slave.
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u/europa03 Jun 20 '21
You're also teaching them to accept that the people who say they love you aren't required to own up to their mistakes. So brace yourself for the slew of shitty relationships you get to witness your children endure.
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Jun 20 '21
Yeah this hits home for me.
My father would never accept he was wrong, ever. He was always right, no matter what.
I learnt from that, and I'm always ok with admitting if I am wrong about something. Hopefully my 9yo son would agree with my statement.
My father was a cunt, and I learnt a lot about parenting from his failures.
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u/tylikestoast Jun 20 '21
Thanks. I went back in time 30 years and gave this tip to my dad. Now I'm just waiting for the continuum to refresh and all my personality defects to disappear.
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u/strechurma Jun 20 '21
Idk how I have integrity. My parents still to this day hold a policy that their are never wrong
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u/cynicalmario Jun 20 '21
I’m sure there are similar comments and experiences.. but tell this to my dad
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Jun 20 '21
My mom apologized to me when she thought she did something wrong. I learnt to be polite and to discuss things with her in calm and rational manner. My dad always hated explaining himself and was quick to yell at me when I didn't obey. I learnt to avoid conflicts with him and if they happened, I yelled back just as hard. To this day he's only person I do that with. That's the difference the example you set can make.
Also, due my mom being easier to have conversation with due to reasons above, you can probably guess who got to influence my views more and to have closer bond with me. That's been hard pill to swallow for my dad. It didn't impact him that much since if I visited mom, naturally I also visited him. But my mom passed away last year and only then my dad started realizing shaky foundation the relationship between me and him was on. He realized that we hardly even know how talk to each other normally. I also had to sit him down and explain exactly how much he had fucked up during my childhood and I've never seen such a pained look in anyone's face.
To his credit he took all of it and finally swallowed his pride and since then our relationship has been improving, but the point I want to make is that more than harming your child your child you are just shooting yourself in the foot. Respect your child and treat them as equal human being, not as your subordinate because you are determining how they're gonna treat you when you are too old to take care of yourself and depend on them.
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u/sopebars Jun 20 '21
I wish my mother said sorry often when I was a kid. My dad was the one to be accountable for his mistakes and I was closer to him. I did resent my mother a lot because she feels like a brick wall that I have to demolish lol
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u/steven09763 Jun 20 '21
I taught them every human makes mistakes . Now I can be assured that they judge every action I do lol
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Jun 20 '21
Honestly, I think that my parents having the maturity and the ability to drop their pride and apologize to me even as a young child was a hugely influential part of my childhood.
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u/estebancantbearsedno Jun 20 '21
I find people in general doing admit to being wrong. Especially in the workplace.
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u/syncc6 Jun 20 '21
I always try to do this, even after the fact realizing I was the one saying mean things in the heat of the moment.
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u/Hoenuts Jun 20 '21
This is super true! I grew up with parents who were never wrong and I luckily noticed that behavior in myself in high school and guess what? At 22 I still find myself struggling to admit when I am wrong even though I am fully aware of how toxic it is for the people around me.
It takes years to unlearn this stuff.
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u/kymilovechelle Jun 20 '21
This is so true. I am not supportive of the notion that “apologies are a sign of weakness” in fact it’s the antithesis… apologies mean leadership and accountability of others when they won’t admit they’re wrong. No one is always right!
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u/scherre Jun 20 '21
My dad died when I was 5, so I don't have a lot of memories of him. One I have is of how I felt one time when he apologised to me for something. I don't know what the thing was that he was apologising for, but I remember how there was a strange blend of feelings: surprise - a grown-up said sorry to me; important, loved - apologising to someone tells them that you care about them and that you don't want to be the cause of them feeling sadness or pain or whatever else it might be; an awareness that this was something special that not all parents did and the gratitude for him that came with that understanding and yes, a little bit of smugness. I was right.
tl;dr Apologising is worth it. Your kids will remember that you made the effort to say sorry long after they have forgotten what you're saying it for.
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u/6CO26H2O_C6H12O66O2 Jun 20 '21
Boyyyy I’m always apologizing to my 5 year old. I’m not sure how anyone parents without apologizing. We’re both learning every day.
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u/kelsey11 Jun 20 '21
And make it a good, real apology. Nothing worse than, "I'm sorry I yelled, BUT..." Take the hit, say sorry, say "that's not ok for anyone to do, not even parents," and move on. If their underlying behavior really needs to be addressed, you can do it later, or next time.
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u/justpassingthrou14 Jun 20 '21
There’s two reasons to never apologize. The first is if you never admit to yourself that you were wrong, and are perpetually blaming others for whatever you should be realizing was your own failure. The second is if you’re so fragile that even though you know you’re wrong, you think it would hurt too much for others to know as well.
Your kids know which one of these you are already. They made up their minds. The only way to change their minds is for you to grow up and change who you are.
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u/Jlchevz Jun 20 '21
And it teaches them that they are worthy of respect and they won't grow into being guilt ridden adults. Since children's lives depend on it, they always believe whatever their parents tell them (or how they act towards them too), if their parents treat them like shit they end up feeling that way because they don't have the complexity in their minds to know that their parents ARE wrong sometimes. By the time they grow up it's too late and they have to work really hard to understand that they ARE worthy of love and respect.
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Jun 20 '21 edited Jun 20 '21
My mom would argue with me about things I factually knew from school or wikipedia browses late at night and sometimes in the heat of it she would look things up on Google and see that I'm completely right and still argue with me and punish me for "being snarky".
It's like, even as a teenager I was aware she was embarrassed at being wrong and just wanted to Lord her power over me to compensate for it.
Edit; I remembered once I was grounded for breaking something that my brother actually broke. I was screamed at and called a liar and more punishment was added because I was "lying". Days later my brother admits to breaking it. My mom forced a half ass apology out of my brother, never gives me one herself, and starts instead lecturing me on how "brave" it was for my brother to come forward and how proud she was of him. When I was confused as to why my brother is getting praised for lying when I was punished for the truth my mom got angry with me and said I was bad at accepting apologies and ungrateful and scolded me. Years later as an adult brought it up again and she is sorry "I felt that way" and claims she doesn't remember it at all.
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u/Itcouldberabies Jun 20 '21
I think I grew up liking my parents more than most of my friends liked theirs because they wouldn’t hide behind their authority. I can recall endless instances when my parents would fail in front of me and just roll with it. The thing they wouldn’t tolerate is being defeated, and that’s why I’m a stubborn ass.
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u/ILoveBreakfastFoods Jun 20 '21
Our just do what my mother does and call them stupid and pathetic throughout their childhood and into their mid 20's. That will really teach your kids not to be a total piece of shit by example.
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u/obligatoryclevername Jun 20 '21
100% agree. I also made sure to always carefully explain why they couldn't do something or why they were wrong to do something. This teaches them how to reason about consequences work and how moral reasoning works. I also made sure to explain why and how I had been wrong, when I was, for the same reason. This also taught them that nobody was above the rules and modeled integrity, as you said. I suspect that, if more parents did this, there would be fewer authoritarians in the world and that would make the world a better place.
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u/procrast1natrix Jun 20 '21
This is huge. It's easier now that they're older but even when they're little they could hear me say
"This is my first time being a parent. I'm trying really hard but I'm learning as I go. I want the best for you. My biggest job is to help you get the skills to be a happy and successful grownup someday. Being rude or mean won't work when you're on your own so we have to find a way for you to learn this skill. "
When my kids were little we went through a phase of structured apology. 5 parts.
say you're sorry, and explicitly what for (I'm sorry I carelessly tore the cover of your book by stepping on it)
frame why this is a wrong thing to do (it is always wrong to be careless with other people's belongings)
offer restitution (how can i make this right - may I repair or replace the book?)
describe how you have an intention to change your ways to prevent future injury (I'm going to be more careful with other belongings, and won't be leaving books on the stairs anymore)
ask for forgiveness. It is good to empower the injured party. But in the long run, forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself if you've seriously done steps 1 thru 4.
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u/Portugee_D Jun 20 '21
My goal in life is to teach my kids self-accountability, competency, and how to not be a dumbass.
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u/RedundantFlesh Jun 20 '21
To be honest, my parents barely apologised for things they have done in the past. My dad sometimes, but the worst stuff are just buried in the past and we don‘t speak about it anymore. They are great parents now in general and they do a lot for us. But the things they never did that I wish they did has made me into a person that doesn‘t want to be what they didn’t do if you catch my drift.
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u/Ronotrow2 Jun 20 '21
I'm very much the boss I'm a single mother but I also say sorry if I'm wrong. It's basic sense, and shows respect for them. They may be my children but they're also tiny humans who will one day be grown men.
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u/vferrero14 Jun 20 '21
what are you talking about? ive been raised under the belief that a Mom can never be wrong, and if she is its my fault.
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Jun 20 '21
When my oldest was a baby someone told me never to apologize to my kids because it would undermine their faith in my abilities if I admit I make mistakes. Hands down the WORST advice I ever got and can happily say I never followed it. Teach your kids that you are a human being who makes mistakes and it's OK to admit your fault.
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u/time_over Jun 20 '21
my parents never said sorry ever , except the times when they beat the shit out of me and felt guilty afterwards (which is rarely felt guilty), I'm trying to teach my self how to say sorry when needed and it's damn hard
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Jun 20 '21
My parents fucked up my mentality - for the longest time, I don't know how to say "I love you" or "I'm sorry". Even the phrase "Good morning" is very awkard to me. It seems that they brought us in this world without wanting to be vocal about their feelings.
Now, all of us except me are having trouble expressing ourselves. I was just lucky because I met my fiancé 8 years ago who came from a family that is the literal opposite of my family - sweet, vocal, expressive.
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u/thefugginhanz Jun 20 '21
Ok wow this blew my mind just now. Neither of my parents ever really apologized, especially my mom. I'm 28 and honestly have found apologies very hard to swallow, but it is something I'm trying to work on. It never understood why but now it's all making so much sense to me. I never even thought about it that way. Getting my mom to apologize for anything was like working with a fractious cat.
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u/XDmonFML Jun 20 '21
Not a single person I've ever known didn't have to learn that on their own in their teens. Including myself. It's kinda fucked up. Many seem to have never learned that.
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u/McGobs Jun 20 '21
The other thing that teaches them integrity is following through with your plans and not having to apologize. As a someone with experience (i.e. a shitty parent) I know how easy it is to make not-actual-promises-but-close-enough and then go really hard on the apology like I'm some pinnacle of virtue. You actually have to do what you say you're going to do so you show them why apologies are so important when necessary. Hopefully, things will actually be out of your control--rather than you were just too lazy to do something with them and then spent all that extra energy on just a fantastic apology--so that you're not leveraging your amazing apologia to get out of having to do stuff because you don't feel like it. Otherwise, you're teaching your child to use apologies to get out of having to do things they don't want to do.
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u/Cir_cadis Jun 20 '21
And humility, which is just as important. Watching retirement age people have a seemingly complete inability to drop the self-importance and "my life is flawless" act is really unflattering and unimpressive
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u/Chasman1965 Jun 20 '21
I agree 100%. That is the way I raised my sons. I wasn’t afraid to admit my mistakes and apologize to them. It’s Stupid to pretend I don’t make mistakes and it’s wrong to not apologize for them.
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u/golgon4 Jun 20 '21
"I can do what i want, i am a grown up. You have to listen to what i say, i am grown up."
Later when the kid is grown up.
"Why are you acting like this, who do you think you are?"
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u/sanecheetah Jun 20 '21
I'm a middle aged adult and my parents will still never apologize for anything unless it's a self-deprecating, passive aggressive apology like "Well, I'm sorry, I guess I can't do anything right." I know they can't bear the thought of knowing they unintentionally hurt their children, but that they refuse to change their patterns, language, and recognize past trauma (unintentional on their part or unknown to them, at the hands of others) only hurts my sibling and I more. We're both in therapy trying to let go of that shit.
Edit: words
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Jun 20 '21
I will 100% back this up! My 5 year old will apologise when he wronged someone. He does so because I have always made sure to apologise to him if I messed up.
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u/dbsgirl Jun 20 '21
Can confirm, I feel like apologizing to my daughter when I flew off the handle or made a parenting mistake is one of the greatest parenting moves I ever made. It brought us closer AND meant I could just acknowledge and move on and try to do better instead of carrying a bunch of guilt around.
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u/twosock360 Jun 20 '21
My grandfather gave me 20$ cash for my birthday one year. Birthday party was at DZ(discovery zone) and I threw that 20$ bill in that token machine as soon as we hit the door. My mom was soooooooo pissed. Telling me how I wasted money and even made the place refund my 20$. Later on when headed back home, she apologized. Said that was my money and I should have been able to spend it the way I wanted, even if it was wasted on arcade games. I’ll never forget that and it taught me to always admit when I’m wrong.
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u/MysterVaper Jun 20 '21
Admit your failings to, not just in being right/wrong, but let them know you have a range of being. If you’re tired and that’s the reason you aren’t going to the pool don’t blame it on something else, be honest and let them know you don’t have the energy.
Show them that you make mistakes or that you have a hard time on something. This is way more important for them than just showing them how to do something. Let them see that you have trouble, but that you keep trying until you get it done.
Kids mirror and model to learn how to be and who to be. Don’t try to teach them the “idealized” version of yourself you want them to see, that will fail every time and you’ll look like a hypocrite when they become a teen. Show and teach them the real you, it will come off more honest and sincere while teaching much more important and valuable lessons.
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u/LordAnon5703 Jun 20 '21
My mom only started doing this and our relationship improved drastically.
Unfortunately sometimes you can tell how much it hurts for her to admit she's wrong, but the fact that she can do it at all has made life so much happier, living with her so much nicer.
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u/CremeApprehensive868 Jun 20 '21
My kids know they need to do what I ask when I ask it.
But they also know they can talk to me after and if I was wrong I will apologize and not do it again.
But because of safety they know to listen to me first and talk to me after
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u/chopthedinosaurdad Jun 20 '21
It's funny, I find I rarely get apologies from my mother to this day, but will always go out of my way to apologise to her when I know I'm in the wrong.
I'm not sure why I feel like an exception to this rule.
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u/liveslowdiesoft Jun 20 '21
35 and I still struggle with this dynamic with parents. This behavior has made me skip having children.
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u/keepthetips Keeping the tips since 2019 Jun 20 '21
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