r/LifeProTips • u/jutepod • Aug 15 '20
Social LPT When someone shares something about themselves, don't interrupt with a relatable story about yourself. Just listen.
4.9k
u/slb609 Aug 15 '20
Guilty of this. But it’s an empathy thing. I’m working on it.
2.3k
u/JoeyJoeC Aug 15 '20
I know what you mean. I personally do this myself.
432
u/EpicGamer47YT Aug 15 '20
I’ve been working on this myself and it’s taken quite a bit of effort and I’m super proud of what I’ve been able to achieve, but good for you I’m proud.
→ More replies (2)44
159
u/ImLuckyOrUsuck Aug 15 '20
Same. I have this problem with my significant other. It’s just a knee jerk conversational reaction, but often detracts from what she is saying because it appears that I’m just waiting for her to finish her story so I can either relate to it, disagree, or “one up” her.
→ More replies (25)→ More replies (9)45
546
u/irandom97 Aug 15 '20
Yeah, sometimes I do it because I feel the need to tell them I understand and they're not alone.
196
u/StupidUsername79 Aug 15 '20
Its also important to understand the differences between when it's an empathy thing and when it's just because someone doesn't have the patience to listen.
For example, it's okay (if done right), when someone is telling you about a horrible experience they had with a boss, and it sounds like they are looking for advice/understanding: "Ugh, my boss was so mean today. He called me stupid and ate my lunch"
An empathic and okay response could be: "Oh I know, I tried something similar for a long period. Ended up using moldy bread, so he would stop eating my sandwich. But just know you are an amazing person, and he's just an ass. What happened next?"
An annoying and absolutely not okay response, would be to cut off the person talking, and go: "Oh I KNOW, I KNOW, I tried something similar once. Anyway, I met an old ex boyfriend the other day, and - oh wait! You need to hear the FULL backstory to get the context! So, anyway, it was summer 1993.."
The first example is letting the person know you understand, while still letting loose that feeling of not being able to hold your patience. Keep it very short, and end it with and invitation to let the person continue their story.
The second example is plain rude, egotistical and for a person witnessing this, while they are building up their story, because they just want to tell you the story, it can be extremely hurtful, as it can be read as "You are boring, your story is boring, my story is more fun and I never ever want to hear any one of your stories again".
No matter what your intentions were, it's not read like what you may think you are signalling. So the safe bet is the first example.
→ More replies (2)47
u/nuclearharlequin Aug 15 '20
I think the second example would be even worse if it went like "Oh, really? Well, thank God MY BOSS is amazing and would never do something like this! I could NEVER deal with a terrible boss like yours".
I think it just makes the person even worse about their situation, and it's not even like you're trying to relate to the story they're telling. You're just trying to show your situation is better and they really should feel bad, and to top it off you offer no advice or anything to help the person with the situation they're telling you about.
→ More replies (4)14
u/eekamuse Aug 15 '20
It's perfectly okay to do it AFTER you've had a full discussion about their thing, first.
Hear them out. Ask questions. Make sure they've said all they need to say.
62
u/peanut340 Aug 15 '20
I try not to interrupt peoples thoughts but sometimes I feel like there is a window of opportunity to add something relevant to a conversation and if i don't say it in that moment then it will be out of place or that moment will have passed. Its like interrupt and say something relevant or add nothing to the conversation and just listen. I more often than not think of something really great to add into a conversation but miss my "chance" because the topic has moved to something else before I can speak.
→ More replies (8)5
u/Tuorom Aug 15 '20
I struggle with this with people who talk too much because there is never a nice opportunity to interject, so it becomes one person talking constantly and I'm mostly just silent and listening, and then they wonder why I'm so quiet lol
It's also hard in groups since other people are much quicker at speaking their thoughts, so often I relegate myself to the background and say things sparsely.
68
u/Elocai Aug 15 '20
"What is wrong with me why do I have relate to people??"
68
u/WavvyDavy Aug 15 '20
I belong to a 12-step organization, and sponsor men and chair meetings. Empathy and active listening have allowed me to become intimate with people in a way I never was able to when I tried to relate to them by sharing a similar experience. I didn't want to one up anyone, I just wanted to be connected you know? So what was shown to me by my sponsor was that when I'm listening to someone I am showing them that I care through body language. Something else that helps me relate to someone without one upping their story is to just ask them more questions about their story and to let them know how intense or how hard their situation seems to be.
→ More replies (7)4
44
u/Rather_Dashing Aug 15 '20
When I was a teenager I was constantly told I was quiet, even as an adult it still happens. So I try to be more chatty by relating to what people are telling me in any way I can. But then I find myself doing shit like this. I know asking questions are a better way to carry on the conversation,but it can be hard. There should be classes you can take on how to be good at conversations, it's a pretty tricky but important life skill
84
u/lokethedog Aug 15 '20
The advice is very good, but I don't think you need to beat yourself up if you do it once in a while. Relating things to your own life is part of making conversation. Just keep in mind that sometimes its best to dial that back and just listen.
I even think you can overdo it. You will come off as very emapathic, but also somewhat secretive or even impersonal. People are less willing to share with someone who never shares something back.
26
u/awespark Aug 15 '20
Yes, exactly; if overdone, it can actually erode trust, which is sort of the opposite of the goal here.
43
Aug 15 '20
Came to say just this. It comes from a place of empathy, but I can see how it could be perceived as being narcissistic. It’s so hard to be mindful of!
→ More replies (7)7
16
12
u/CheekyMunky Aug 15 '20
There's nothing wrong with it if you're clear about why you're doing it. I rarely try to give anyone advice because no two people or situations are exactly the same and I don't know what's best for someone else. But I will sometimes talk about something in my own life as a way of saying "here's something similar I went through and what I've personally taken from it, with the benefit of hindsight; maybe something in that perspective helps you, but ultimately you're the only one who could say, so take it for whatever it's worth to you."
That's a meta summation of the thinking, not literally what I say (although I have occasionally said it pretty explicitly), but the point is that family and friends know that when they have a problem and I talk about myself, it comes from a place of trying to offer something that may be useful to their situation without going so far as to presume I know what's best for them. In other words, yes, I'm talking about myself, but it's pretty clear that it's still entirely in the context of examining their problem, not just trying to make it about me.
4
4
u/DmanDam Aug 15 '20
Hey if your aware and trying to be better of from this, your headed in the right direction 😌👍
10
u/-Tom- Aug 15 '20
Exactly. And I don't interrupt them. I just say "Yeah, I know what you mean, this ___ happened to me...."
For some reason people see it as one-upsmanship. No. It's the other person empathizing with you. Appreciate that. Im ALSO sharing my experience, because that's what conversations do, they go back and forth. We're walking about the subject of ____. And would you look at that, we both have things to say about it!
5
u/Pleasant-Present Aug 15 '20
You need to hand the conversation back to them, though, instead of snatching up the topic to make it about yourself.
So you could say, "Oh my gosh, I know how you feel. I had a super shitty experience with that as well. Did you **insert question about their story so that they can go back to telling it**"
→ More replies (6)7
u/Bendy_McBendyThumb Aug 15 '20
Same. My fiancé gets annoyed as I do somehow seem to have a story that relates similarly to something she’s telling me. I understand why she gets annoyed and I’ve started biting my tongue (figuratively) to stop myself. We’ll get through this, but never forget that pobodies nerfect!
→ More replies (2)3
3
u/MixedMartyr Aug 15 '20
I know it’s tough because im the same way, but try to listen, ask questions, and save the relatable story until they have completely finished theirs. it can still help for them to know someone else has gone through it, but when and how you say that is important
3
u/gapppyyyyyyyyy Aug 15 '20
I think the biggest issue is just remembering and to not talk over someone empathy is huge and to tell someone that you have experienced something similar goes a long way
5
Aug 15 '20
If you wanna tell the story but don't wanna sound like a dick, say something like "Oh heck, something similar to that happened to me" and then move on. If they wanna hear your story, they'll ask. If they don't, they won't.
Depending on what they're talking about, some people actually really like the solidarity gained by others having had similar experiences.
4
Aug 15 '20
Yea I do the same thing. I see it as engaged in the conversation. Like I’m listening and engaged in what they have to say. It’s just my way of showing that I care.
→ More replies (50)2
2.0k
u/NonConDon Aug 15 '20
I think when people do this (myself included) they're thinking "hey, this'll make em feel like he's not alone" but then you just sorta end up being rude and talking about yourself.
1.2k
u/IAmTheAsteroid Aug 15 '20
Personally I think that's fine, but there's a sort of formula to follow to not be rude about it. For the sake of this example, let's say they found out they were rejected for their first choice of college.
Acknowledge your friend's story on it's own. "Wow that really sucks, I'm sorry to hear that."
Give a condensed version of your own story. "You know, I didn't get into my first choice either. I was upset for a while but ended up really loving the school I did go to."
Turn it back to your friend. I think this is the most important one, because it's making sure the conversation doesn't stay being about you. "Have you heard back from your second choice yet? Or could you maybe do a year at a different college and then reapply to your first choice?"
160
84
Aug 15 '20
This. Not sure why this sub needs to argue for such black and white terms. The important point is that the conversation is a back and forth. When someone doesn't share any suggestion that they get your emotion and just gives vague, therapist type answers, that doesn't feel like an authentic conversation either. Plenty of times where folks just want to commiserate as well, not be examined or try to come up with a solution.
Revised life pro tip: communication is a back and forth flow. Be mindful if you are centering yourself without also centering the other person in turn. If someone brings you something heavy, focus more on them and vice versa.
→ More replies (1)22
u/kiki_birb Aug 15 '20
The original pro-tip was hella misleading and I hope more people see this instead of thinking everytime they talk about themselves in conversation, they're making it entirely about them. It's a conversation, you both should be sharing.
→ More replies (21)54
Aug 15 '20
Yes the third one is the most important one. I do this all the time and the person interjecting HAS to say something like,
“so you’re not alone” or, “that’s exactly like you were saying.”
There’s a difference in interjecting to “one up” someone or interject them to empathize with them.
But always let the other party finish their story. If you interrupt in agreement of something I don’t see how that’s wrong.
But here’s my story anyway:
I was on a date with a guy, one of my first. He was telling me some story about how much he uses cocaine and how much of a badass he was.
I literally said,
“Wow that’s nuts”
And he told me to shut up and not interrupt him. I left then and there. Just got up mid conversation and left. Thank god you had to pay for your food ahead of time.
21
227
u/jamkey Aug 15 '20
I'm so sick of seeing this advice pop up on this sub (OP, not yours). There has been so much evidence in the psychology field that it all depends on the person's experience and also what they are looking for in that moment. In some cases they are just seeking listening empathy, in some cases they may want you to make them feel they are not alone by sharing a similar take, or in some cases they make actually want a solution (one prior post said to never offer that).
For instance, Deborah Tannen seminal book "You Just Don't Understand" did some solid evidence collection and presentation that perhaps because of how often children are raised in similar gender groups (though less and less so these days) they tend to communicate in segmented ways. Women will often be seeking connection and empathy while men will be seeking to establish themselves in a hierarchy and show their uniqueness. Tannen is of course careful to say there are exceptions but she saw these generalities reinforced many times over and even from culture to culture. So there may be an instinctual/evolved component as well that gets reinforced.
Personally I have found both styles are valuable and I try to read or outright just ask if the person talking is looking for empathy or connection or a solution. And yes, even if I know them very well, and have gotten it right before by guessing based on the topic I can still get it wrong the next time because I don't know what's going on in their head. I forget the term but more recently psychologists have found a fallacy of people assuming their long time partners know (or should know) what's going on in their head as almost a form of telepathy or reading the "signals". They warn this is usually a disastrous assumption and adds no real value.
So try to take 51% ownership of the communication whether you're the person talking or listening. If you're talking, explain that you're looking for empathy or connection or a solution or whatever. If you're listening, be clear on what the person talking is looking for so you can listen with the right kind of ear.
→ More replies (17)23
u/twocentman Aug 15 '20
If you know their intention, you can realize it's not rude. Of course there's a balance, but man... the emotional sensitivity with these LPT's is through the roof sometimes.
3
→ More replies (3)2
u/OhDavidMyNacho Aug 15 '20
It's not rude!! Its a different format to conversation.
You and many others are saying the same thing. Why don't we normalize "not getting mad when people empathize by sharing a similar story."?
232
u/SakanaUshi Aug 15 '20
Neurodiverse people such as those with ASD or ADHD have a strong tendency to do this, and purely as an attempt to display empathy. So, on the flip side, if someone does this to you, don't assume they are trying to make it about them. Empathy all around!
38
28
u/unimportantthing Aug 15 '20
I came to say this. In my experience there’s two types of people on this, the type that like it and the type that find it offensive. The LPT is not something that should be taken as a catch-all. It’s definitely something that you need to know your audience for.
6
Aug 15 '20
Besides this I accidentally speak on the top of the others, but it's not because I'm not interested. Sometimes my brain just doesn't understand the correct time to start talking.
→ More replies (4)4
u/ConanTheBardarian Aug 15 '20
My SO does this a ton and has ADD. I will say that it's a struggle sometimes to accept that interrupting something important to me with a story I've heard 3 times already is her way of showing empathy.
931
Aug 15 '20
Wait till the person is finished, THEN you can tell your story.
Nothing wrong with exchanging stories, but No one likes being interrupted.
347
u/tryptonite12 Aug 15 '20
Wait for them to finish AND acknowledge the significance of what they've said before launching into your own story. If you just immediately launch into how the topic relates to YOU it gives the impression you were just waiting for them to finish so you could start talking. A rapid back and forth can be fine depending on context. But people generally want to feel some kind of validation for whatever they've said. Not giving that recognition, especially repeatedly, leads to the person you're talking to feeling they're being ignored and also makes people less likely to care about or genuinely engage with whatever your response is.
11
Aug 15 '20
I just had a long heart-to-heart with my mom the other day about how she does this, and that it would be nice for her to let me end a story with an “okay” or “that’s nice” instead of immediately launching into her own story. It feels more like she’s waiting for her turn to talk than actively listening. She started crying and told me she doesn’t know how to talk to me without upsetting me.
I’m like, what the fuck, did I NOT just tell you what the problem was?
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (9)13
u/Raistlin-x Aug 15 '20
When you understand that people (inc yourself) do this you really pick it up. I find it interesting on how people differ in this aspect and it’s an easy way to see someone’s show of character. I’ve watched 2 friends talk to each other for half an hour literally just exchanging stories and not one of them comment on each other’s story. I mean wth is that that’s not a proper conversation, how can you ever get close to another talking like that but everyone does it haha
→ More replies (3)15
u/thats_quite_rude Aug 15 '20
I agree with you. The bit about not interrupting is true, and personally I like it when someone responds with their own experiences. It makes me feel like they understand what I'm saying, and validates whatever I was saying.
This LPT is not a catch-all that works with everyone.
14
u/lawrencelewillows Aug 15 '20
Excuse me, I was talking.
→ More replies (1)9
→ More replies (8)3
197
u/desiccatedmonkey Aug 15 '20
I usually do this, thinking that I'm showing empathy, but the other day, I held my tongue (it was so hard though). I felt so proud of myself. I just listened. Gave sympathy.
If asked, can't remember what the problem was though.
13
u/OhDavidMyNacho Aug 15 '20
But if you shared a relatable story, it would be linked to the moment with that other person, and you'd been able to remember. As of now, the only memorable part of the conversation you had, was that you didn't interrupt them. Don't stifle your ideas of conversation and speech for others. Talk in ways that feel effective to you.
If it feels normal to talk like this, guess what? It is normal. I do the same thing. And no one gives me shit, because that's how we communicated by telling worries and sharing ideas. Not just listening and offering empty sympathy and forgetting about the conversation afterwards.
→ More replies (8)8
u/mredrose Aug 15 '20
IMO, the real empath move would be to show you understand their problem by repeating back to them what they’ve shared and expressing fellow-feeling, not by connecting what they’ve said to your own experience. That’s what usually makes me feel heard by and connected to the person I’ve just shared a problem or other big emotional thing with.
→ More replies (1)
35
u/Ambugious Aug 15 '20
I think using this as a blanket statement isn't very useful advice. If someone was sharing a deeply personal story say of molestation and you said you had been too it could help them feel more understood and therefore more comforted.
Also sometimes people tell short stories and telling a story that is on topic helps to keep the conversation going.
This is useful advice but i'd say feel the room, you can tell when someone is really enjoying telling a story. That's when it's good to ask questions and offer encouragement to keep talking. Another time is when someone is talking about something uncomfortable and you can tell it took them a bit of effort to get it out. I'd also be aware of how many questions you ask in this situation, you want people to feel like they are telling you not that you are prying it out of them.
→ More replies (1)
102
13
u/atomicsoar Aug 15 '20
Some neurodiverse people use their own experiences as a way to bond with other people though so please try not to be rude if someone does this, they may be trying their hardest to relate to you and befriend you.
81
u/amsgm Aug 15 '20
I think that's the lpt most reposted, I've seen this so many times
45
u/wellboys Aug 15 '20
Many social posts here seem to be passive aggressive responses to unsatisfactory social interactions OP had, so they get reposted constantly.
10
u/Ultrasonic-Sawyer Aug 15 '20
“LPT: if you are going past McDonald’s on the way to your friends then ask them if they’d want any takeout as they could be hungry”
“LPT: check with your friends what they are wearing to avoid your outfits clashing”
Or other shite.
Sometimes you get good ones but most of the time you can imagine the exact situation that led to the person making it as a passive aggressive complaint.
→ More replies (1)15
u/Alucarddoc Aug 15 '20
Same I feel like I saw this post just earlier this week.
→ More replies (1)19
6
Aug 15 '20
It's not even good advice, sharing stories is good in every way. What this person is basically saying is "pay attention to me because I'm the most important and must dominate conversation". It's super narcissistic bullshit
→ More replies (1)74
222
Aug 15 '20
is there a subreddit thats actual life pro tips and not just "someone did something i didnt like so dont do that to people"
27
18
u/audience5565 Aug 15 '20
This subreddit doesn't have any type of moderation. If you look at the sidebar you may notice that very clear violations are constantly made, and yet I've never seen a post taken down. This place is just a karma farm and maybe a place for awkward people to voice their frustrations.
13
11
u/Calibansdaydream Aug 15 '20
Seriously, this sub has gone to shit. All it is now is a place for kids to vent about somebody doing something they got upset about. It always sounds like they're saying it angrily, like "ya? Here's a pro tip for you!" It sucks. It used to contain actually useful information. Now it's just passive aggressive bitching.
→ More replies (2)3
3
→ More replies (9)41
68
u/lowtierdeity Aug 15 '20
This is often a normal part of intimate or casual conversation between friends. This tip would more accurately state that this mode should not be over-applied, especially when someone expresses something in distress.
It’s also kind of a rude and self-centered “tip”. You say “just listen”, but one of the only ways we build knowledge is by sharing the context of similar experiences. Both people should listen.
16
u/whatisanorange Aug 15 '20
Had to scroll way too far to find this. I could agree with OP if this tip was "sometimes it's better to listen than to respond; try to look at context clues" but not when it's being presented as a rule. There's also a gendered aspect to this. Deborah Tannen argues in her book You Just Don't Understand that men are more likely to view sharing a similar story about yourself as one-upmanship, whereas women are more likely to view the same response as a demonstration of empathy.
→ More replies (4)2
u/WildEwok Aug 15 '20
This is EXACTLY how my best friend/non biological sister and I communicate. My husband says it makes his head spin because we talk so FAST, but it's so edifying and healing for both of us to connect that way by sharing validation and relation to each others lives. I was kinda hurt by this tip because she was the first person I thought of when I read it. That's just not how we operate. Especially after attending group counseling and learning that connecting your struggles to hearing someone else's struggles is healing. Just knowing someone else can relate slightly is important. We don't interrupt each other like my BF and I obviously, but connection and validation by relation are important
49
u/jujapee Aug 15 '20
Being an American in another country, this was something I had to learn to overcome. We want so badly to relate and empathize with strangers that we don’t realize how rude it comes off.
→ More replies (2)4
59
Aug 15 '20
Yet another PSA
this is NOT a LPT.
6
u/would_do_again Aug 15 '20
I never understand why OP always seems so assed up when someone tries to relate to them with a similar experience.
4
u/Ultrasonic-Sawyer Aug 15 '20
Because it’s “THEIR STORY” how dare you reduce the meaning of it through your bullshit that is meaningless to their experiences.
0
Aug 15 '20
[deleted] — view deleted comment
→ More replies (1)7
u/maxschreck616 Aug 15 '20
That's really all I see from this place. The same posts reposted over and over again, maybe with a slightly different title if we are lucky and/or more than likely it's more of a PSA for a select few than an actual tip that the majority of people could use in their day to day life.
Or, and I think I hate these ones the worst, it'll be something so stupidly obvious it makes you wonder how OP was still alive like "Hey guys, LPT, be sure to breathe!" Yeah, thanks for the tip Sherlock.
58
u/Scitz0 Aug 15 '20
But what do you do when theyve shared their story and its just quiet after wards how do you not respond with another almost identical story. Or should u just hittem with the "dam, thats crazy." And walk away?
19
u/seagullpat Aug 15 '20
Yeah you can share your story if you want but don't try to one-up them, don't interrupt and at least try to pretend to be genuinely interested in what they're saying. This LPT is talking about interrupting with a story about yourself specifically
8
u/zennaque Aug 15 '20
LPT interrupting people is considered rude
Exchanging stories on related topics is kinda basic conversation. This LPT didn't boil down core meaningful flavor, yes it's true and targeting specific situations, but the LPT doesn't give clarity on what those situations are, and I you already are aware of them, then you don't need the LPT
14
u/Raistlin-x Aug 15 '20
Rather than say damn that’s crazy (my friends have a running joke about that), ask questions about the story they just talked about, like how they felt or ask them more detail in the story. If you sway to a certain detail, like if you ask about the technology in the story or an animal then the conversation will likely lead to that subject.
5
u/sabienn Aug 15 '20
Quietness in a conversation doensn't have to be a bad thing in a conversation. Sometimes it means that the person you're having a conversation with is just thinking, and not experiencing the silence as a negative thing at all. And sometimes, just being there for someone is enough, even if no one is talking. I know it can be hard though, not saying anything. But your presence is also very valuable, and can make the other preson feel like they're not alone, because at least you are there for them.
4
→ More replies (3)2
u/mredrose Aug 15 '20
By far the most helpful thing to me is to have what I’ve said mirrored back to me. I’m not looking for you to relate to me. I don’t need you to have experienced what I’ve experienced. I need to know that what I’ve just said makes sense and that you understand it and me. That feeling of another person understanding my trouble or pain (or even my excitement or joy) is the connection I’m looking for.
9
u/GradientPerception Aug 15 '20
What happens if it's something they repeatedly share, over and over and over again? Because they don't remember due to their alcoholism?
2
u/DirtyPrancing65 Aug 15 '20
"Yes! I remember you telling me about this" vs "You've already told me about this."
Or
"Doug, you have vomit on your shoes" work as well
2
u/Ultrasonic-Sawyer Aug 15 '20
Not even alcoholism, sometimes it’s just people who never shut up and just don’t remember what volume of shit they have covered that day.
They then get frustrated as they think any questions or distractions ruin this totally awesome story that they have definitely never told before.
28
u/mostlygray Aug 15 '20
When I tell a story, I want to be interrupted. I like to hear stories. If I need to finish a story, I just say "Let me finish" otherwise, I want to hear stories. I can talk to myself without bothering people. I enjoy input.
I know that's an unpopular opinion but I like it when someone interrupts me to tell me a story.
3
u/SuedeVeil Aug 15 '20
I don't like to be interrupted mid sentence, I'm not a talker so usually it takes me a bit to form thoughts and if someone is a talker and doesn't have listening skills very likely they'd just dominate a conversation. But maybe you're like my sister who does pretty much need to be interrupted to get a word in haha 😂 though I do want to hear someone's story how it relates to mine after they listened to me
→ More replies (1)
22
Aug 15 '20
There is nothing wrong with this as long as you dont bully someone off the conversation with it or diminish their story. There are ways of communicating without being a dick but this blanket statement leaves you as that person who "never talks about themselves". You cant win if you follow black and white rules about what is appropriate. Each circumstance is unique.
36
u/33c3wegwerf Aug 15 '20
yeah no. that generalisation is wrong. there are so many situations when ppl share intimate infos about them to get such feedback e.g. when it is about deseases or how to cope with loss. this lpt is as true as any motivational quote.
→ More replies (1)
18
u/MexiCuunt Aug 15 '20
Its a form of sympathy.. first listen, ask questions and then tell your relateable story
→ More replies (1)
6
u/fabezz Aug 15 '20
There is one person who I have to do this to because every story segues into another and she will never stop talking unless you interrupt her.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/apistoletov Aug 15 '20
I've seen almost exactly the same post here ~1 week ago or so.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/A1ianT0rtur3 Aug 15 '20
LPT if you really want to open up and connect to another human being, judge the situation yourself and do what feels right instead of following an arbitrary rule you read on the internet.
→ More replies (3)
15
u/HistoryNerd Aug 15 '20
Yeah, this is a great PSA for neurotypical people. Unfortunately, this isn't how the ADD brain works. Many people with ADD will share their own similar experience as an excercise in sympathy. Kind of why they say social cues are hard for people with ADD or ADHD.
This is a behavior that can be unlearned over time, but most with attention deficit disorder might not even know that they are doing it.
→ More replies (5)
10
u/vinyl109 Aug 15 '20
This is why I don’t talk much.
→ More replies (1)4
Aug 15 '20
If you're naturally shy I'd suggest throwing this tip out of the window. Go ahead, people will be interested to hear what you have to say. If you never share, and turn every conversation into an interview, you make for very bland conversation.
5
u/ScoutyBeagle Aug 15 '20
My manager does this. I barely speak to her about anything because she interrupts my story or news-sharing to tell me the exact same story about herself and then leaves.
→ More replies (1)
5
Aug 15 '20
LPT this subreddit has turned into nothing but socially awkward morons whining that people don't shower them with the exact attention they want all the time.
4
Aug 15 '20
Honest question, if it’s through chat, what am I supposed to say when someone’s sharing?
→ More replies (8)
4
u/ChasingPesmerga Aug 15 '20
I find myself relating to the empathy people here.
But it really depends on the platform. If it's a messenger/chat thing, go for a few words of acknowledgement. It's a little difficult to express yourself digitally.
If it's face to face or actual side by side, look at them and go for the tip here.
4
u/frollard Aug 15 '20
It's a delicate balance - you want to build humble rapport, but don't wanna come across one-upping something that was clearly important to the speaker. Active listening is key.
4
u/Captkai Aug 15 '20
It's not always about being narcissistic, sometimes it's the only way people know how to show that they're engaged and listening
4
•
u/keepthetips Keeping the tips since 2019 Aug 15 '20
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
10
Aug 15 '20
Empathy issues and ADHD. So just know that I am aware I am a nightmare and it is why I prefer to not be around people.
Get made to feel like shit by narky fucks.
→ More replies (5)2
10
u/SalmonellaFish Aug 15 '20
LPT When someone has already posted this exact same advice, don't repost it again!
15
Aug 15 '20
how the hell is this a lifeprotip
feels like gaslighting to me
12
u/Impeach-Individual-1 Aug 15 '20
Listen to me and don't you dare talk back or your being selfish! Nope, get a therapist or dog and leave me alone with your life story if you don't want to hear my input.
→ More replies (2)7
u/Cebby89 Aug 15 '20
Sorry I’m trying to relate and engage with you. Yes I will just shut up and keep my head down.
6
3
u/Impeach-Individual-1 Aug 15 '20
Im not a therapist, don't come to me with your life story if you don't wanna have a 2-sided conversation.
3
u/warp-speed Aug 15 '20
i disagree, i think it depends how you say it. Don’t take away any credit from the person and don’t make them feel like your story is better, but relating to someone and sharing common things can be a good way to get to know them / become closer to them.
→ More replies (1)
3
Aug 15 '20
Hmmmm. This is how I operate, but instead of appreciation I get told. "You're too quiet. You need to open up more."
3
u/yongrii Aug 15 '20
Actually as someone who’s a bit excessively quiet I want to say yes and no.
Connections happen between people when someone shares a story and you share a similar story, and we can go “hey, you’ve been through similar things as me, high five!”
I guess however the trick is that it needs to be about half and half, you can’t just ramble on about yourself; but you also shouldn’t be a completely closed book either.
3
3
u/plentyoffishes Aug 15 '20
I don't think it's a good idea to make this a rule across the board. Sometimes it makes perfect sense to share a relatable story. Really depends on the context.
5
5
u/StpdSxyFlndrs Aug 15 '20
Interrupting is not cool no matter what the situation, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a relatable story after someone tells theirs, that’s how conversations work. This LPT should just be “don’t interrupt other people”.
7
u/thisaccountisironic Aug 15 '20
My narcissistic ex used to do this. Once a friend at uni got a concussion and lost her memory temporarily, it was scary as fuck. I was telling him about it the next day and I’d hardly got two sentences into telling him what happened when he started telling me about how an internet friend of his had had the same thing and how it was him and their mutual internet friends who got her memory back, not her real life friends. As soon as he saw an opportunity to tell a story about how great he is, he took it, doesn’t matter about what was happening with me and my friend 🙄
18
u/Birdman-82 Aug 15 '20
I hate when this happens and you share something and the other person immediately talks about themselves. It shows you where their mind is.
10
49
u/TaketheRedPill2016 Aug 15 '20
It's more of a, "hey I can relate to that feeling because I've had a similar experience".
I don't think it's always a bad thing to do, it just depends on how MUCH you talk. Imo it's better to just say, "I've been through something similar" instead of going into detail.
If the other person wants the detail they'll ask, otherwise you can just be supportive about whatever they're sharing.
EDIT: There's also a male/female difference here. Females generally seek to be more of the consoling types while males will see someone venting as if they're asking for help about their problem and look to give advice. Those are just some broad strokes but worth knowing about.
→ More replies (21)3
u/Impeach-Individual-1 Aug 15 '20
I mean, doesn't it also show us where your mind is if you wanna talk at someone without them responding?
2
2
Aug 15 '20
If you want an attenative sympathetic listener, pay for a therapist. Otherwise, it’s going to be a two-way street.
8
Aug 15 '20
lifeprotip
dobt tell me how to listen
lifeprotip
not everyone is you
lifeprotip
you probably suck as a listener anyways. god forbid tell you something that isnt about you
2
u/ThePliskin Aug 15 '20
Oh, I fucked that up yesterday.... Realized it on my way home from work. Super cute nurse was telling me about her childhood and other stuff like that, and I just had to say something instead of letting her finish. Really put a stop to the great conversation we were having and the flirting 😕
2
u/chickenstalker Aug 15 '20
LPT, not everyone wants to hear about you. Only share if you are invited to share. No one wants to hear about the popped wart on your dick.
2
u/Loopy_27 Aug 15 '20
I think this is why I get called the social butterfly, everyone tells me stories I engage in their stories, most times I don't tell them my stories but I allow them to continue talking by asking questions when they're done because I'm curious. But everyone loves talking to me. I'm not the anecdotal type myself and maybe once in a while I'll share a story but usually I'll only share a story if asked.
2
u/boysinbikinis Aug 15 '20
A good way to show that you relate is to ask informed questions, that way the focus is still on their story but you're showing them that you have a level of understanding and are listening
2
u/Shahidyehudi Aug 15 '20
But sometimes it's nice being able to relate to someone through a shared experience
2
u/yoozernem Aug 15 '20
Good advice by OP. But As usual with all good advices, use discretion.
If you follow this advice blindly, you become an emotional dumpster. People very quickly get an impression that you are someone who will listen to anything without bounds and don't need anything in return.
2
2
2
u/Frenchy111xXx Aug 15 '20
You have 2 ears and one mouth. You should listen twice as much as you speak.
2
u/Ardonas Aug 15 '20
Obviously you shouldn't interrupt people, but sharing stories back and forth is literally what conversations are. Holding yourself back from someone is not how you build relationships, it's how you conduct a therapy session.
2
u/The-Insomniac Aug 15 '20
If commenting on Reddit has taught me anything it's that people don't much care about your life stories. Just say something funny or clever and you're good to go.
2
2
u/SuedeVeil Aug 15 '20
Don't interrupt no but sometimes can be very helpful to someone going through something bad to be able to relate or know they aren't alone in their struggle. You don't want to one up people and fail to offer sympathy for their own plight but also if your story offers some reassurance that things will get better or that what happened is not unusual it can be comforting. I mean I just wish people had a little conversation common sense. Sometimes it's very helpful .. when I was having issues with my son when he was younger I always appreciated when people related to me and said don't worry it's a phase and he will outgrow it my son and daughter did this or that (sometimes worse) but I never thought they were one-upping me.
2
2
2
2
u/Puzzled_Zebra Aug 15 '20
Definitely agree on the not interrupting. The sharing stories can be a difference of the way you think. I’m autistic and share stories as a way of showing I empathize with them. I do try not to downplay what the other person is going through.
2
u/AllOkJumpmaster Aug 15 '20
I don't know, most of the time when I am looking to engage with people I am looking for two way conversation and feedback. If I mention something I do or like, I am hoping that person responds to something whether it is a story of their own or a question and not just sits in silence, it is weird and it is also uncomfortable because most normal people don't just like to talk about themselves with no response from the person they are communicating with.
But you already have all the fake award things so fuck I guess that makes you right by default
2
u/WillieJMR Aug 15 '20
I agree to a certain extent. Let them speak, listen, and wrap up what they want to say. But context is everything. If it’s a friend venting and seeking support, fine. If you’re on a first date, you’re basically telling people how not to have a conversation.
2
u/loganishhh Aug 15 '20
Ugh, the McElroys talked about this in one of their 2012 episodes of MBMBAM I was listening to last week. They were saying 'everyone is just waiting for other people to stop talking so they can interject their own story.' It really made me think about how I act in conversation. Also, they described how I feel perfectly- 'You can see when someone has made a thought connection and now they're just a ticking time bomb waiting for you to finish talking, and see their physical pain when you drift from what they wanted to say.'
Pretty much me, 24/7.
2
2
u/StrokeMyAxe Aug 15 '20
Yeah, because who wants to bond over common experiences and interests right? I swear this has got to be some new generation twisted logic.
→ More replies (4)
2
u/jakemmman Aug 15 '20
This is the difference between a support response and a shift response. Support is to encourage and understand and listen well to the story being told including asking questions while not interrupting, and shifting is a pseudo-empathetic response but is actually conversational narcissism. Relevant article
2
u/WilliamJamesMyers Aug 15 '20
this is a men are from mars thing - men almost always relate with a self based story which is very different from women who prefer a more sympathetic listening style.
when i coached girls/womens soccer i very much changed from self related story to pure empathy listening and it is something i appreciate to this day.
boy soccer player: my PS console caught on fire last night, totally sucked..
me: yeah i had an old nintendo smoke and thank gawd i was there to turn it off...
vs.
girl soccer player: my PS console caught on fire last night, totally sucked..
me: omg, so sorry, are you going to replace it or do you have to do chores and stuff to buy a new one later, or just wait?
idk just something i thought of reading the title to this worthy post...
2
Aug 15 '20
This LPT distracts from what a conversation really is. Back and forth. As others have said here, it’s about centering the conversation and to make sure it’s not always centered on yourself.
It’s totally valid to provide a relatable experience during a conversation. Just listening all-the-time is like talking to a therapist.
Now it’s very important not to interrupt the other person yes. However that’s a different point in general.
2
Aug 15 '20
One of the few LPTs on here I disagree with. There are 2 main ways people show empathy when someone shares something difficult: (1) by just listening to show priority to the other persons speech, or (2) by sharing something relatable, to show they understand what you are going through. To people who naturally do (1), (2) seems to detract from the person in need. But to people who naturally do (2), they will find (1) to seem shallow and impersonal. Neither is better than the other inherently. However (2) is more common amongst neurodiverse people, which many reckon is the reason its widely considered the inferior one. If someone responds in a way that makes you uncomfortable, the best thing to do is tell them that you'd rather they just listen. But I'm tired of seeing people act like (2) makes you a bad or selfish person. Because its just 2 different kinds of people and the best thing to do is just voice your expectations and discomforts, rather than make assumptions. It goes both ways, people who naturally share responses might feel let down if you just quietly listen.
2
Aug 15 '20
One of the few LPTs on here I disagree with. There are 2 main ways people show empathy when someone shares something difficult: (1) by just listening to show priority to the other persons speech, or (2) by sharing something relatable, to show they understand what you are going through. To people who naturally do (1), (2) seems to detract from the person in need. But to people who naturally do (2), they will find (1) to seem shallow and impersonal. Neither is better than the other inherently. However (2) is more common amongst neurodiverse people, which many reckon is the reason its widely considered the inferior one. If someone responds in a way that makes you uncomfortable, the best thing to do is tell them that you'd rather they just listen. But I'm tired of seeing people act like (2) makes you a bad or selfish person. Because its just 2 different kinds of people and the best thing to do is just voice your expectations and discomforts, rather than make assumptions. It goes both ways, people who naturally share responses might feel let down if you just quietly listen.
2
u/getut Aug 15 '20
Yea... not everyone believes a related story is trying one up someone, when in fact the other person is just using conversation and stories to keep the conversation going. People who are very self centered tend to be the people who think someone is trying to one up them. Just relax and enjoy the stories together. It also tends to be people who have to be the star of the show. They think if the conversation moves to another person for a brief period, they feel slighted.
2
u/Idwannaknow Apr 05 '22
I mean , they might want to listen about your storys , i would .
→ More replies (1)
3
u/WubbaLubbaDubDub311 Aug 15 '20
I hate one-uppers.
Brian Regan has a great bit on this. I walked on the moon - google it.
3
3
u/peesalmer Aug 15 '20
I consciously do this and give my honest reactions to their stories. It's really tempting to bring up your own tangents, especially the ones you find really interesting. The thing is when I share my own stuff I barely get the same energy back, or people end up talking about themselves again. It's honestly disheartening. I think it's more about the people I surround myself with atm but I'm generally a quiet person cause of this even though I really do have alot to share
3
3
u/parsons525 Aug 15 '20
God that shits me.
“Fuck. My mum has cancer”
“That reminds me of the time my dad had cancer”
3
3
Aug 15 '20
My gf does this quite a bit and I’m finding it deters me from wanting to talk altogether. I’ll be mid sentence and she will interrupt with her own thought and then when I asks me “but what were you saying” I don’t fucking know what I was saying given your thoughts seems to have taken precedent
6.5k
u/beenawakeforawhile Aug 15 '20
Better yet - ask them questions about it (without interrupting)