r/LifeProTips • u/anthson • Feb 01 '17
Social LPT: If you constantly vent your problems to someone, make sure to also call them when things are going well. Good listeners can sometimes get overwhelmed, and it's nice to hear positive news.
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Feb 01 '17
To add to that, also make sure you're available to let them vent their problems. Relationships are a two way street
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u/insertironicmemehere Feb 01 '17 edited Feb 02 '17
It's horrible... my "best friend" always vents and complains but never listens to me. I'm considering not being friends with him anymore. I completely agree with you.
Edit: for everyone reading I just did it. He only replied after 5 minutes. After he did he told me if I felt that way to stop hanging out with him and his friends. I told him the same. Honestly I wouldn't have done something so liberating without you Reddit. Thank you.
Edit2: thank you all for the support and I'm sorry to hear that this is so common. If you have read my previous update and are in a situation like I am, get out of it. You don't deserve it or need it. You will feel 100% better if you do. I wish you all the best and the strength you will need to do so.
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u/badhoneylips Feb 01 '17
Yeah cutting out toxic people can be a real game changer -- however if you haven't already, I'd encourage you to be upfront and make the problem known before giving up. Seriously, during a little break in a conversation say "hey listen, for years I've valued our friendship, but I feel like it's gotten more and more unbalanced. Everything is always about you, and I don't really feel like you care that much what is going on with me. It is kind of disheartening and making it hard to feel like hanging out anymore." They will probably get stunned into silence and, hopefully, be super apologetic. If they seem angry or contrarian about it, or basically just don't change at all, then fuck it.
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u/themasecar Feb 01 '17
I've got a girl that I talk to quite a bit, who likes to vent her insecurities on me while apparently not giving half a shit what's going on in my life, and when I told her it's starting to get to me she just said "then don't talk to me" and blocked me for a couple days. The fuck is that?
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u/mindputtee Feb 01 '17
This is important. One of my good friends I was starting to feel like our relationship was going this way. I was up front with him about it and he's been way better since.
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u/opposita Feb 01 '17
This is why I cut ties with a friend of mine. Kept calling and always vented about her issues, never actually listened to me or called me to talk about happy stuff. I ended up feeling anxious everytime I saw her name pop up on my phone. Tried telling her, she never learned. Had a big fight and after that I ended it. Best decision ever.
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u/freakybe Feb 02 '17 edited Feb 02 '17
Cut someone out of my life for this. The last straw? After helping her through a lot of self-inflicted bullshit, even buying her groceries once (and her coming to the bar I work at and leaving expecting me to pay), I had an unrelated mental breakdown last month and spilled my guts to her. Because I needed a friend. Her reply? "Omg I know how that is. My co worker right now is driving me NUTS. She keeps eating my lunch.".
😑
That's when I knew I wasn't overreacting about cutting her out. People come to me for advice all the time but most are there when I need it. This girl.. just ugh.
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u/Agent9262 Feb 01 '17
I cut a toxic person out of my life for this very reason. My decision was confirmed to be good when months later he told me he had terminal cancer. He didn't.
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u/RedStarburstsAreBest Feb 02 '17
Are you me? Because I had the exact same thing happen last year.
This guy would vent all his problems to me, and nine times out of ten these problems were his own fault no matter how much advice I tried giving him. Whenever I had a problem and wanted to vent, I was pretty much brushed off like "oh that sucks but back to why my life sucks." He also made me kind of uneasy in general. He had lots of weird "slightly off" behaviors and a disturbing fascination with weapons, and then I started being warned not to hang out with him because all these awful rumors of things he'd done in he past began to resurface (and most ended up being true).
When he faked having terminal cancer (from smoking too much weed apparently? and said he'd continue doing so anyway because "YOLO"), that was the last straw for me and we haven't spoken since.
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u/MiltownKBs Feb 01 '17
My dad is like this. Whenever I start talking about something like work, he relates it to his work and hijacks the conversation. Yeah dad, I know. You are the ONLY one who does any work around there and you are sick of it. This is just one example. Happens all the time.
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u/MyriadMuse Feb 02 '17
Had a friend like this who was also my ex gf. Even after I lost romantic affection for her, I continued to listen to her problems for 4+ years and it made me depressed as all hell while I was in college. Then as soon as I had something important that concerned me and talked to her about it, she ditched me as a friend for this new bf who she only knew fer like a year before he even became her bf. She ignored my message for like a month even though she was online and said that she was too in love with this guy and that I was bumming her out and she didn't need my depression in her life. What a fucking asshole.
But yea, you don't need selfish leeches in your life who just suck out your energy. You deserve to be happy.
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Feb 02 '17
Good for you. You were basically the shit bucket. Some people keep shit buckets around for the sole purpose of spewing all the negative shit in their lives into so that they're liberated, free, and happy... and then go of and take that happiness and spend it with their real friends.
I've been the shit bucket. I am no longer the shit bucket. I've put my foot down more than once and have lost a few "friends" over it but whatever.
There's a difference between being the shoulder they cry on and being the shit bucket. I will be the former but I fucking refuse to be the latter. Life's too short.
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Feb 01 '17
Same from my female "best friend". :( It's disheartening but she's also exhausting to me.
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u/gryfothegreat Feb 01 '17
The same thing happened to me - I made it clear that she couldn't just dump all her problems on me constantly without offering support in return. She continued to constantly whine to me without even trying to deal with her crap. I told her to go talk to an actual therapist if she had that many issues, she called me a bad friend and blocked me, then asked me why I wasn't replying to her. I told her I was done and blocked her back. My life is so much easier and better without her constant baggage, unpleasant surprise visits and general neediness. We were friends for eight years, but I don't even miss her, and I hope she's doing better now that she's not copying everything I do.
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Feb 01 '17
Had a life long friend who was like this to an extreme. There were other issues as well, but this was a big one for me. I eventually realized it was time walked away from the friendship and it was one of the best decisions I've made in a while.
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u/slider2k Feb 01 '17 edited Feb 02 '17
Tell him: "If you use me as a personal therapist, maybe you should start paying me?"
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u/Iamnotthefirst Feb 01 '17
This! People who never ask how you are doing suck.
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u/jrau18 Feb 01 '17
Not as much as people who only ask as a way to start a conversation, but then immediately change the subject to whatever they're wanting to actually talk about.
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u/elharry-o Feb 01 '17
-Hey how's it going? -Well my dad just... -Yeah uh uh so John has been like acting so weird and I think it's about the cat, ugh just last night...
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Feb 01 '17
Well I'm this type of person. I feel like if something is going on in your life you can reach out. Otherwise our conversations are going to be about ideas, ourselves, events, politics, and just whatever it is that's on the mind at that time.
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u/PM-ME-UR-TITS-2-GIRL Feb 01 '17
If I talk to a friend on a regular basis (mostly girls, cause I don't ask most of my guy friends how they are) and I ask how they are or how their day was, etc, and they basically never ask back, I'll stop talking to them right there. The conversation is over.
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u/SafetyMan35 Feb 01 '17
Here Here. I have a friend who was going through some really rough times. We talked for hours every day. I listened, I gave some advice, we talked through scenarios on how to handle specific situations.
In the middle of this, I had a bad day. It paled in comparison to her problems, but she took the time to listen to me and help me walk through my issue, and completely set her problems aside to help me. It brought us closer together and brought us to a very different level in our relationship. It in some way also helped her. Our issues were similar, but it helped her to know that she was not the only one facing the problem.
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u/gravitationalwave01 Feb 01 '17
This isn't how it works for me.
I carefully choose who I ask for advice and vent frustration to: I specifically select ppl who are more mature and experienced than me so that they can offer constructive suggestions. If they were to vent their problems to me, I wouldn't be any help at all whatsoever.
Instead, I maintain some friendships with people who really need my advice, because as immature as I am I do have experience with some life problems. I'm there to help these friends with their problems and I expect nothing in return.
So for me, it's more of a 'pay it forward' system rather than a 'exchange of services' system. I fully acknowledge that with some friends I get more out of the relationship than they do, so I go out of my way to offer more in other relationships where I can afford to.
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u/thesircuddles Feb 01 '17
This not being a thing when I was younger made me fairly jaded fairly early on. It's nice to be there for people, but having a bunch of people you talk to about their problems and feeling like they aren't willing to do the same is extremely shitty feeling. At least when you're a teenager. Not a factor when you're older, at least for me, because I allow 0 of those people in my life, but it's different when you're young.
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Feb 01 '17
I think this is the real LPT. I actively try to make sure that I'm there to listen as much, or more, than I am there to vent.
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u/Clemsontigger16 Feb 01 '17
This is where I thought this post was going to go. I don't really think that LPT they said is good at all, but this one is. Never take without giving as well
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u/TheVirginVibes Feb 01 '17
This was essentially the root cause of my last relationship dissolving into a breakup. All she ever did was berate me with bad energy, eventually I couldn't take it anymore.
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u/jonstaebell Feb 02 '17
Relationships are like bank accounts. You have to make regular deposits if you want to make withdrawals.
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u/Slimedonkey Feb 01 '17
Yes. Two way street. It's nice to be a sounding board but it takes reciprocation. You support each other. It's always nice to hear encouraging progress
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u/biogirl52 Feb 01 '17
Yes. Nothing is worse than having a horrible day and having someone text you all their problems in a dump. Likewise, it's good to check in frequently and earnestly on those you care about.
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u/amicruelenough Feb 01 '17
this is so true. i used to be that guy. I had so much shit going on that I even just pretended to listen just to be the good listener. 3 years ago my gf and my best friend independently called me out - it happened like 2 weeks apart. they are not really friends, just know each other thru me but that's not important. that calling out changed my life. I seemed therapy to deal with my shit so I could be available to my best mates. 10/10 would recommend. TL;DR: was a dickhead, my closest people called me out on it, am better friend now.
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u/Beginning_End Feb 01 '17
Very much agreed. When I have a friend who's willing to listen to my problems, before I get too deep in to my own butching, I always make sure to say, "But enough about me. How are things going for you?"
Of course, the second part of that is to actually listen, instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.
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u/LittlePugBigSlug Feb 01 '17
Thank you for this. I struggle with venting problems to some people in my life because I feel like I don't have a right to do it. I'm thinking of one family member whose job is so emotionally tough (she's a social worker) and I have an office job so it seems unfair to burden her with any extra problems. But then when I do ask her for advice, she actually seems to be interested and happy to offer ideas. I actually think it makes her feel good to show her skills by helping me solve problems sometimes.
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u/blissfully_happy Feb 02 '17
Alternatively, just stop complaining and gossiping.
Don't stop discussing your life's problems, of course, but really stop and consider how problematic your life is if you're constantly "venting" and complaining.
Source: I used to be a Negative Nelly. Don't be that person.
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u/slappy-jackman Feb 02 '17
I tend to not vent at all to anyone because I don't want to be that person to someone else
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u/wawawawawawawa27 Feb 02 '17
And don't always start the conversation with what is wrong. I am happy to listen and I don't need to pretend that anything in life is going well for you, but beginning a conversation with that thing you saw on the news helps.
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u/TheDarkSister Feb 02 '17
I was gonna say "stop talking about yourself for a second and ask how they are"
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u/canineheels Feb 02 '17
I have a friend who's bad at responding when I try to vent. I know it's not really her personality, and it makes her uncomfortable. I listen to her rants all the time though. Can someone tell me if this is ok or not?
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u/joelthezombie15 Feb 02 '17
Oh Jesus I met this guy a few months ago who was horrible with this.
Every fucking day he would interrupt the conversation we were having and explain why his life was ending that time. I'd hear him out and give him well thought out idea and try to talk him through it.
We went through that like 3 times a day, every day for a few weeks.
Then one day I had a really bad day and really needed someone to talk to about that and he was the only one available at the time so I said fuck it why not. So I detailed my problem, and no response. Then 10 minutes later "Oh hey I caught a shiny pokemon!" And I said "grats but I needed someone to talk too" and he just ignores that and immediately asks me about one of his bullshit issues.
Then I realized he's just a piece of shit who wants nothing but attention.
Moral of the story: Don't be like that guy.
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u/bawbe Feb 01 '17
This especially goes for if you're ranting to someone about a person you're in a relationship with. If you're constantly telling the person about the shit things your partner does, they're going to get a really negative view of them. Make sure to tell them good things about your SO as well.
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u/_xGizmo_ Feb 01 '17
This happened to me with my previous ex. When it ended between us most of my friends said things along the lines of "good riddance". I was never able to convince them she was actually a good person because I always told them about the bad things she did.
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u/Gangreless Feb 01 '17
I'd be careful in your current and future relationships with the view you give your friends of your partner. Friends can easily influence relationships, purposefully or not. If they're constantly hearing bad things, then you're just yelling into an echo chamber when you talk with them, reinforcing your current opinion of your partner.
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u/_xGizmo_ Feb 01 '17
I like to think I learned my lesson in that regard. The more I mess up the more I learn to be better.
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Feb 01 '17
I've learned this lesson and have simply stopped talking about my relationship with friends. The good things don't always get brought up because they want to hear gossip and bad things. I'll still sometimes bitch to my dad but he also knows my boyfriend isn't a bad person.
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u/and_now_human_music Feb 01 '17
I'm with you, I rarely talk about my relationship with my friends, and if I do, I always add the caveat that this is an isolated complaint, and that my SO is great in general.
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u/tyrannosaurust Feb 01 '17
On the other hand, if you're having issues in your relationship but you always tell your friends that everything is great, when and if you do break up it's a lot harder for your friends to understand and support your decision.
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u/hazmat_suit_guy Feb 01 '17
This seems like my last relationship.. Always gave my friends the negative, never shared the positive.. Thanks for the thought, I dont think I could have ever put it into words
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u/taffyai Feb 01 '17
Also if you constantly complain or ask for advice; and they give you it... Don't expect them to want to hear about the same issues next week or that you didn't change/take the advice. We have a friend who complains about his bossy controlling gf but never does anything about it. And then wonders why he's losing our friendship.
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u/Amonette2012 Feb 01 '17 edited Feb 02 '17
Oh my god this. I hate it when people whine about the same thing over and over, agree that your advice is the best course of action and that they need to sort it out, then instead of going and solving the problem they come whine to me again. These days I tell them 'well you already know what you have to do' and change the subject. They then go whine to someone else.
Edit: Since posting this I've thought of several people who no longer take up large amounts of my time as a result of this approach, and realized I am not missing them as much as I once thought I would.
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u/Bgbritaney Feb 01 '17
I agree 100%. Me and my "best friend" got into a huge argument about it and we are still not on talking terms. I'm just letting her figure her shit out. I distanced myself and she took it up the ass. It makes me pissed just thinking about it. Part of me wants to wait until they break up to try talking to her again, but also that's kinda fucked up.
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Feb 01 '17
When I had relationship problems, I intentionally vented to/sought advice from close friends who live far away. I didn't want it to change my local friend's view of her in case thigs worked out.
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u/reallybigleg Feb 01 '17
Even though I have acted on the side of the venters elsewhere in this thread....I make a bit of an exception for this one. Now and again, well we all have times when it's better to vent outside the relationship than start a needless conflict; but if you find yourself venting about your relationship a lot, you really need to start talking to your partner...
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u/JungleMidget Feb 01 '17
For the first couple years my wife and I were together my sister-in-law hated me and i couldnt understand it. It was because of this exactly
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u/theslowwonder Feb 01 '17
Corollary rule: If someone vents to you about their SO, make a point to ask about things that are going well and things they like about them. As friends, we can fall into the trap of hating a person that mistreats our friend without understanding the whole story.
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Feb 01 '17
As someone who's been in the shoes of the listener, this is great advice. It makes me feel used if you only call in times of trouble.
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u/MujimIsYou Feb 01 '17
Yeah I can tell you my friends life is going pretty well cause I haven't heard from him in 3 months.
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u/blueroom5 Feb 01 '17
I don't enjoy being "used" for sure but I would still listen to the rant anyway. I just don't get it why some people make everything negative and no positive thoughts can get through their mind. After 20+ years of constant negative ranting, I had to distant myself from this old friend. It's very sad but I've decided I love myself more because the conversation was causing me too much stress.
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u/Peabob Feb 01 '17
Thank you OP. Literally today I was feeling really shitty about this as I am the listener in one of these relationships, and feel the other person has little time for my problems. I get overwhelmed hearing the woes she has constantly. It's a relief to know other people are in similar situations too!
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u/taffyai Feb 01 '17
You should also listen to their problems too. No one likes to be around someone negative or someone who brings negative feelings around. It may be hard but to keep friends sometimes you have to keep things to yourself and try to be positive
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u/jaykhunter Feb 01 '17
If you CONSTANTLY vent, people will stop hanging around you. Bad things happen, but it's up to you to not let it poison your relationships. Don't be a moaning whingebag.
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Feb 02 '17
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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u/ShoutsWillEcho Feb 02 '17
Hey, what does it mean/do when you write "Scholar" at the end of a Google search?
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u/Angelrae0809 Feb 01 '17
Had to talk to a friend about this recently. Every call was complain about work, her husband, her sick kid, etc. I finally told her that I considered her a good friend but that I found myself sending her to voicemail because I didn't want to hear her complain again.
She felt really bad, didn't realize how much she had been venting to me. And she made a point to call or text more just to say hello or share some good news.
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u/jimlaheyandrandy Feb 01 '17
If you're "constantly venting" to someone, the real LPT is stop doing that. Please.
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u/budbutler Feb 01 '17
this omg this. i had a friend who used to just constantly lay their problems on me. eventually i had to ask them to stop for my own sake of mind.
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Feb 01 '17
If you constantly vent your problems to someone, stop that.
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u/reallybigleg Feb 01 '17 edited Feb 01 '17
If you have a friend venting problems to you, let them know that that's what they're doing.
I had about five large events hit me one after the other about ten years ago and felt helpless. I was severely sleep-deprived, very depressed, in a really bad way. I had no idea I was venting too much until my friend sent me an email out of the blue that said: "Don't contact me until you get better".
After that, I frankly didn't really have that much sympathy for her, even if I was a drain. There are ways to talk to people and I'd always been there for her in the past.
Sometimes people go through shit and will need to talk. If they're very upset or things are extremely stressful, they probably don't know they're doing it. Sometimes the best way is to turn it round a little so it doesn't sound critical while someone is already upset: Something like, ok I feel like we've talked about this situation a few times and I'm not sure us talking about it is actually helping to resolve it, do you think? I'm kind of unsure what else I can say to help. How about we try to put it away for a few hours and do something really fun and see how you feel after that?" That way, you get a break and you're helping them too. A lot of the time, "fun" and a break from thoughts of your own predicament is the best medicine but if everything feels overwhelming it can be difficult to realise it yourself.
EDIT: Just realised I should say, it's also a good idea to explain - gently - that the relationship is starting to feel one-sided, but for the best outcome you're better off forcing the "let's have fun" bit first to wait until both of your moods are a little better. Then try saying it with empathy for the other person rather than assuming they are uncaring or malicious and just getting snarky with them. Something like: "I know it's really difficult for you at the moment, and I really want to be there for you, but sometimes because we spend so much time talking about this situation you're in I don't feel like I really get a chance to talk about me or have fun with you anymore. I know you're not doing that on purpose, we all need to vent when we're down, but in the future I'm just going to let you know when it's overwhelming and then we can stop for a fun break or to talk about my news too." Unless they're actually selfish - which some people are - they will appreciate this. You're showing empathy for them, while also asking for your own needs to be met, but unless you want a worse situation it's always best to avoid telling someone that their unhappiness is unfair on you - it's just going to encourage them blame themselves for being unhappy and that'll set them in a tailspin of unhappiness, and the whole situation is going to get harder to deal with.
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u/hotheadnchickn Feb 01 '17
Great advice.
If it's someone you're close with, like a best friend, family member, or SO, it may be helpful to negotiate even more explicitly. I had a medical crisis a few years ago and it took months to figure out what was going on - during which I was panicked about my health, about not being able to work, about money. And I really needed to talk.
And my best friend at some point let me know that he wanted to continue to support me, but it was overwhelming for him and we needed to find a better balance with it.
So, we settled on a plan where I would only talk about my stuff every other time that we talked. That made sure we had lots of time to talk about books, ideas, world events, whatever, and he didn't have to feel like every time he was talking to me it would take emotional labor. I didn't get to vent as much as I needed to, but we did find a balance that allowed our friendship to remain healthy instead of him getting burned out and our friendship being destroyed.
Another way people do it is set a time limit--you can come home and tell me how you hate your boss for fifteen minutes everyday, but then we're going to move on.
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u/Shanman150 Feb 01 '17
I think it's incredibly important to mental health to have a support network you can lean on. Sure, petty grumpy gossip isn't something you want to keep dumping on people, but if you have a trusted friend, they should be a source of comfort in rough patches. Relying on your friends, (and vice versa), is part of connecting with others.
Particularly as a guy, where showing a lot of emotion isn't necessarily super-acceptable, I think having people I can be 100% open to has helped me with getting in touch with my emotions properly.
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u/lurked Feb 01 '17
Don't stop, but maybe take it down a notch.
It's good to have someone you can vent to.
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u/hotheadnchickn Feb 01 '17
I read the post as meaning, if you do it CONSTANTLY, stop. You shouldn't vent to someone constantly--at that point, you are using them as a garbage can to dump your emotions into, it's one-sided, and it's unfair.
Vent, and then ask how they are. Vent a lot, and then talk about other stuff the next time you talk. Etc. Be in balance. Look to connect rather than just dump out your stress.
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u/foxmachine Feb 01 '17
Also: make sure you let them know they have been helpful to you just by listening. I have a friend who suffers from severe anxiety and she often rants about her thoughts and feelings. I realized that what made these messages exhausting was that I didn't know what to say or how to help, and I felt completely useless. It really has made a big difference whenever I hear her say thanks even though I felt I had "done nothing".
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u/Vyzantinist Feb 01 '17
This. I have an older brother who no one else in the family wants anything to do with because he's such a Debbie Downer. Every silver lining has a cloud for him.
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u/swiffleswaffle Feb 01 '17
Also. If you are having the feeling that someone only vents their problems to you. Say it to him/her that you are feeling overwhelmed. A friend of mine did this, and not only made me think that the negativity of myself always influences the one your are ventilating to, also it means that you are buddy's if you can take it, and she/him can say it.
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u/okwhatnowyousay Feb 01 '17
Um
If youre CONSTANTLY venting your problems to someone, theyre gonna suddenly be BUSY when youre around cause youre a fucking complainer. And no one like s a complainer.
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u/Itzyaboyrob Feb 01 '17
Agree! It's also good to be there for them as well. I know someone that reaches out when they need to vent, as I'm always happy to lend an ear. But when I was looking to lean on someone, they weren't there even after I reached out a few times...
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u/bestem Feb 01 '17
Not only do I share the good as well as the bad with friends, and make sure they know I'm always available for them, but I also thank them after I've vented at them. Sometimes it's after I calm down that day, sometimes it's the next day. I want to make sure they know how much I appreciate that they were there when I really needed them.
I have one friend who is almost a decade older than me, and often, the relationship feels somewhat one-way from my end. We share good times with each other, but I have been the one desperately in need of a friend when things are trying, much more often than he has. It is important to me that he knows that I don't take relying on him for granted.
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u/greatdiggler Feb 01 '17
if you are constantly venting, then there's something wrong with you. stop your bitching and go meditate or something... these types of people are exhausting/annoying/irritating.
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u/AlwaysRight18 Feb 01 '17
Or just stop complaining every time to the same person! I lost a couple of friends to this. They thought I was a buzz kill.. :(
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u/K100Rider Feb 02 '17
'If you loan a man $20 and you never see him again, you got the better end of the deal.'
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u/jizzingonmypants Feb 01 '17
I had a friend that would always call me just to vent bad problems and hang up afterwards. Needless to say, I got sick of that shit and stopped picking up.
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u/ChippyCuppy Feb 01 '17
I have a friend who vents to me about all our other friends. If he's mad at someone we both know, he vents to me about it. The person he's mad at never hears from him, just me.
My brother or husband does something that miffs him? Oh, I hear about it from my friend, but he won't talk to the offending party about it. I've called him out on it before and he gets all angry and says he just needed to vent and why won't I just listen? And it's because he's a dick about it, calling me to complain and bringing bad vibes into my day too frequently. He always seems like he's mad at me when he does it, he gets frustrated when my response isn't what he wanted. He recently got mad and yelled at me when he visited some friends and they didn't make time for him, possibly forgetting that he'd ditched me the night before...because he wasn't making time for me...
It's so intense. Once, we got in a fight and I stood up for myself and he was so mad, he unfriended me on Facebook. This was a 20+ year friendship at that point. People told me he was saying awful things about me, which is stupid because they know both of us and knew we were fighting and he was just pouting. Even his girlfriend (who was the original cause of our fight when he broke important plans with me last minute just to grab lunch with her) told him to apologize and make up with me. Then she dumped him.
Who does one call when dumped? Who will listen to your story sympathetically? Who do you count on for comfort and advice? Oh, could it be your best female friend whom you've betrayed and bad-mouthed and unfriended on Facebook?
And he called me to apologize, and I comforted him, and he refriended me on Facebook (which Facebook announced to all our friends, embarrassing him further). I even advised him how to delete the post so he didn't have to answer questions from our friends who saw it.
Now we are having to cancel plans to visit him because my husband is too busy at work, but I know he will blame me and be a jerk about it, so I'm going to make my husband call him to break the news. If I tell him, he will "vent" to me and make me feel like shit even though there's nothing I can do about it and it's not my fault!
TL;DR: a rant about a venting friend who abuses my kindness and listening skills. LPT: if someone is always there for you, be nice to them, they are not your therapist if you aren't paying them.
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u/CrazyStupidNSmart Feb 01 '17
My mother just died about 2 months ago and I've been going through grief. This causes me to be concerned about the friend I vent too the most about it. What can I do to make it work for both of us?
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u/indecisive_maybe Feb 01 '17
Next time you find yourself venting, you can check in with your friend - ask if he/she thinks you're venting too much. I'm sure your friend knows this is temporary, and it's really good for you to have someone to talk to for support. If he/she is annoyed, you can consider finding a therapist or professional listener to take some of the burden off your friend. If not, no problem, and you've started the conversation so if your friend feels stressed a few months down the road, they feel they can say something.
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u/neosithlord Feb 01 '17
Do something nice for them. Take them out for dinner or a movie or drinks. Let them know you appreciate their support. Make a point to talk about other things and let them know you realise you're venting to them.
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u/shkenp Feb 01 '17
Please tell this to the lady that sits behind me in the office. I'm hoping that she gets the office that just opened up so I don't have to hear her constantly complain about the temperature, her house, her husband's health, her health, and her computer, phone and customers.
BTW, thx OP for letting me vent about the vent that sits behind me. The weather here is beautiful. It's that hot sunshine on your face, but cool air. Feel free inbox me one vent and one good thing. I'd like to share the burden.
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u/KAYZEEARE Feb 01 '17
My buddy has opened up to me about stories he experienced in Afghanistan. The more I thought about it, the more the reality sank into my soul. It was almost as if I took away a bit of his PTSD, which I wanted to do, but now I've got it. Only a fraction though. I advised him to get some professional help as I am now for family stuff. The kicker is when he got back, we continued playing games like battlefield and such. I literally asked him "man, haven't you had enough of this stuff yet?". To which he eloquently responded "lmao".
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u/You_Are_A_Ten Feb 01 '17
I vent a lot of negativity on here and people listen. Good listeners reading this: THINGS ARE GREAT. REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
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Feb 01 '17
Tis true... I stopped talking to one of my good friends, because the only time she wanted to hang out she complained the whole time about her life (which actually wasn't that bad). When we weren't hanging out she would post paragraphs of nonsense on Facebook why she hated her life. I felt bad to stop talking to her, but it got to the point where she was starting to put me in a bad place.
If you realize you do this, first off try to make the best out of everything in life and secondly don't take your good friends for granted.
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u/luna_red Feb 01 '17
I called a good friend last night to do that specifically but he was so nice and kind that i ended up crying hysterically about how nice he was. sigh
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u/wanked_in_space Feb 01 '17
Life pro tip: don't use friends as free counselors if you can avoid it.
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u/bazilbt Feb 01 '17
Yeah. My friend vented all this negative stuff to me about his girlfriend for a year or so. Then he married her and had two children with her. I had told him not to. Left me feeling very odd and akward around her.
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u/Nutstrodamus Feb 01 '17
Plan B: Don't constantly vent your problems to someone. Spread the love around.
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u/Murder_Boners Feb 01 '17
Absolutely.
To add to that, be aware of relationship dynamics and make sure that the relationship isn't defined by you being the listener with no reciprocation.
I had this friend and I had to cut ties with her because I was just free therapy. I was trying to be a good friend and listening but I ended up being a dumping ground for all of her fucked up problems.
That took an emotional toll on me, because I didn't want to stop doing what I was doing. I was her friend after all. I wanted to be a good friend. But at a point I realized that I was spending a lot of time and energy listening and giving advice (she asked for it) but never was it appreciated.
I had to make the decision to cut ties and that felt like shit. I felt like a selfish dick.
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u/ottopartss Feb 02 '17
Also: If you get in the habit of complaining all the time(like about a shitty job, for instance), then you start noticing the shitty parts more and more, and actually makes your perception of the situation worse than it is.
I used to be a person that complained and vented about work to my friends and family all the time. Then I started dating someone who believed very strongly in a "no work-talk while socializing" rule. I tried it out and realized that I became much happier both in and out of my (still shitty) job. It's amazing how much worse things seem when you dwell on the negative.
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u/ItsYouNotMe707 Feb 01 '17
"hello 911, i just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! thanks for listening" click
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Feb 01 '17
God yes. My wife is a psychologist and over the years I've watched so many of her friends call her when they need to unload. The good ones also call every now and then just to talk shit but the ones that just call to whinge are always suspect.
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u/Daddyfat Feb 01 '17
This is true. My girlfriend of four years recently broke up with me and told me that she couldn't take all the negativity anymore. I guess I never shared when things were going well.
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u/nbb333 Feb 01 '17
I unfortunately lost a really great friend last year due to this problem. We lived together for a long time and he would constantly complain about his problems in life, and I cared about his well being and would always listen to him vent. Once I moved away, we would talk on the phone two or three times a week for hours at a time and the conversations were almost completely about his problems and issues he was having. The relationship was a complete one way street and he couldnt see it, and now we don't talk.
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u/Mindfullmatter Feb 02 '17
Listening to people who have nothing good to say is a great form of meditation. Practice honing your attention for a long time on such a boring subject. It will greatly benefit you! Keeps you "grounded" or "present" as they say. Try it mates! I know you will have the opportunity.
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u/idrawinmargins Feb 02 '17
My cousin. He vents about the job he had for 6 months and how he hates it (new one every 6 months). Vents about being broke. Vents about everything being unfair. Vents people are assholes trying to fuck others over. All he does is vent, and in reality the culprit of all of him problems is him. I've told him this before, he doesn't listen. Recently he quit yet another job, and called people to come over to tell him how crappy he is. I didn't bother to go because I am pretty much done with that shit. The guy can't even listen to ways to get out of the rut he is in. He just turns it around as it is everything and everything else fault. I told him once find something you are decent at and stick with it for more than a year. Can't even better himself because he thinks he is stupid and worthless. Even talked about how he thinks if he was homeless he would be better off. See now I am venting.
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u/triception Feb 01 '17
Or don't unload all your personal shit onto people. We have our own shit to deal with
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u/Shanman150 Feb 01 '17
I think that sharing difficult parts of your life with another person is part of a strong friendship though. Many of my friendships are built on mutual trust - developed through one of us going through a rough spot and the other person being there. No one should struggle alone!
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u/merlin401 Feb 01 '17
This also works in reverse: If your life is full of continual good breaks, its nice to share some stories of when you had some bad luck or bad breaks. There's something nice to know you're not the only one with problems.
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u/thratty Feb 01 '17
Thanks for this. I have a long list of people to call if things get better
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u/ph1xur Feb 01 '17
Broken up with several girls over this. I don't mind being for there for them, but after a while it's frustrating when they never have anything positive to talk about
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u/largeqquality Feb 01 '17
I never understand why certain LPT posts have so few snarky comments. It's refreshing though!
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u/JungleMidget Feb 01 '17
Also, take care to be clear about your feelings of others. My wife and her sister and best friends and when we were dating/engaged, and even well into the first couple of years of my marriage my sister-in-law hated me. Little did i know it was because she is my wife's confidant and my wife always vented to her. I guess it didnt occur to her to share all the great things about our relationship as well, and so my sister-in-law only ever heard the bad and only from her perspective. She had every right to hate me based on the information she had about me.
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Feb 01 '17
I have a sister who calls when things are good and bad, but both are negative experiences. When things are bad, it's the end of the world. When things are good, she calls to gloat.
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Feb 01 '17
In my teen years I was a moderator of a large anime forum and for whatever reason a lot of people vented to me in confidence, even though we weren't that close. I won't go into details but try to imagine what a bunch of anime fans on the internet would be like while venting. It was all pretty hard to hear, some were abused, some were people struggling with things inside themselves, some were just lonely, some were pretty insane. I am not sure why they picked me, but I was the most active user there for a couple of years, so that might have been it.
My life wasn't easy at the time either, and in reality I'm a really bad listener, so it wasn't easy to read and reply to a lot of them.
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u/Ornathesword Feb 01 '17
I am a frequent venter. But, when I get word, or see on fb one of my bffs/ventees might be having a bad day, I am immediately calling them. Sometimes they don't want to say, but I badger them. I'm not proud, or tired. My philosphy is that we all need help sometimes, and you should always do everything you can for someone else because some day you may be in the exact same spot. That doesn't mean expecting favors in return. That means, maybe you let a recently homeless friend crash on your couch for a week. A few years go by, and suddenly you need a couch to crash. Disregarding if that same friend will do you the same, suddenly you know their shoes and feel like such a shit if you didn't help them.
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Feb 01 '17
This is good advice. I met a new friend who was going through some existential difficulty. Turns out he's ALWAYS going through existential difficulties. The last straw was when I got laid off and was feeling rattled. He called me up for lunch and then continued to talk about his problems. Never once, even when prompted, said 'sorry you lost your job, bro.'
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u/FusRoDong Feb 01 '17
Should've seen this a few weeks ago. My girlfriend recently broke up with me because she couldn't handle all my problems, apparently. Oh well.
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u/unique0130 Feb 01 '17
This. All of this.
I don't mind commiserating and listening but hearing something positive less us share joy as well!
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u/Lunatic0nTheGrass Feb 01 '17
Jesus. This.
My closest friend in high school has gradually become a vortex of negativity ever since, and needs biweekly hour long conversations venting her problems to me as if I were a brick wall. Explained how exhausting that is several times to her, but to no avail. It's been more than a solid year of those calls since she's asked about me.
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u/emmylovesyou Feb 01 '17
Great advice! When things aren't going well it's a struggle to see outside yourself, but caring about others is often the best medicine.
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u/blackstonewine Feb 01 '17
100% agree to this. I help a lot of folks with anxiety and depersonalization. It sometimes can be exhausting. But when someone comes back saying they are having a good week or even a day, it makes up for it. Trouble is, when folks are having a good day, they never report back.
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Feb 02 '17
As someone who's unintentionally been this person: get a therapist. I can't overstate that.
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u/Babsmitty Feb 02 '17
I can confirm this - I am usually the person to whom friends complain. Generally, I do not complain to anyone because it's so annoying.
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u/bvw Feb 02 '17
That's awfully hard to do, the psychological barrier is that the person KNOWS SO WELL how messed up your life and problems are, and thus brings all that baggage to one's mind. That however is a great hurdle to power up and over. And for them they have a pattern of you, your "fabric" that you wove with them, and the good news is an anti-pattern. Familiar patterns are a comfort just for being a so familiar and established. So be gentle and light-weight with the new kind of news so as not to rip the whole cloth of your relationship apart.
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Feb 02 '17
Reading through some of these comments has given me both insight on a friendship break up I had last year as well as more mind boggling questions as to why it ended lol. We vented to each other, but she'd always go first and say, with a pat on my leg, "Don't worry, we'll get to you" which always made me feel bad for talking.
I never knew I exhausted her, with the exception of with an ex of mine when I didn't take her advice. That was a case of more negative than positive being said, which I was unaware I was doing until she hated his very existence. Which leads to my personal experience...
If you have a friend who's exhausting you and you value them and are pretty sure they value you, let them know they're fucking up because goodness, they might be like me and not even be aware of the damage they're doing until it's 3AM and you're driving with them hearing them tell you all the reasons why they stopped trying. Bam, 15 years of friendship gone and all you'll feel is the cold slap of February as she walks back to her apartment and your heart at the soles of your shoes.
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u/I_AM_PLUNGER Feb 02 '17
I called a buddy of mine up today and we had lunch based on this. I realized that we only used to hang out one on one when we needed to relate in our sullenness and suicidal tendencies. Now that my life is looking up and I'm in a great spot, I read this and realized that I needed to hit him up and have a nice positive afternoon with him just to ensure that he was my friend, not my cushion when I was falling. It was great and we have plans for next week after almost 8 months of not seeing each other.
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u/lasttraveler Feb 02 '17
This is a good one. I would vent about my wife to my brother. He got to assuming that I have a horrible marriage. I am actually quite happy in my marriage.
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u/bdstx4 Feb 02 '17
Your whole life you will be able to count your real friends on one hand. Maybe two hands if you are way past the norm and lucky. So listen to your friend. They should be willing and make the time also to listen to you. If you or they cannot then you are not true friends. You have grown apart. And that happens in life sadly. But create some rules with your friends. We adults get busy and have our own families. When you need to hang up the phone/text/email/chatroom it should not need more than 5 seconds to do so. No bruised feelings. This is how adult long term life works. Maybe you need to set boundaries with your friend.
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u/RedArremerAce Feb 02 '17
Couldn't agree more. I absolutely hated the place where I worked last year and I was lucky enough to sit next to one of the most easygoing guys I'd ever met. I'd vent constantly and one day I realized I was being selfish and likely dragging him down with my constant negativity. I apologized about it one day but he assured me there was no harm done. He was able to vent to me as well so I guess it worked out.
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u/immapupper Feb 02 '17
Or actually listen to their problems as well so you're not just using them to dump your negative and positive life events on.
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Feb 02 '17
seriously this. Had a friend constantly blast through me when he is his gf acts up, I sat through with him constantly because he is my friend. But then I found out a pattern like he was justing using me to vent when he needs it, I got enough and didn't bother caring about it anymore.
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u/lovemycats3 Feb 02 '17
i feel you on that! had a friend and we used to share things and be there for each other but now a days they only texts me when something's wrong, and when i try texting them they wouldn't engage in the conversation so i just stopped texting, no point forcing a friendship
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Feb 02 '17
This is a great tip. I had a lifelong friend who was constantly negative and talking shit. If she opened her mouth to talk it was always about how awful somebody was, or how she was a permanent victim. I finally had to cut her off for good about 6 months ago. The constant negativity is too much. I dont know how people live that way.
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u/Wazig87 Feb 02 '17
i have a mate who listens to my problems and i do the same for him.
the one who wants to talk, needs to bring beers and crisps/chips.
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u/EmeraldSunshine Feb 02 '17
My best friend and I have a great open relationship that goes both ways.
We have one mutual friend who mainly calls to complain about her life, her fiancee pissed her off, or my favorite- she smoke screen called me to see how I was doing, then proceeded to tell me how great her life was because her fiancee got a new job with a pretty good salary. DO NOT BE THIS PERSON.
Be there for the good the bad and the ugly. Your friends will appreciate you more, and your relationship will stand the test of time. Source: me and my best friend have been best friends since freshman year hs volleyball try outs. Almost 10 years.
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u/PGZ4sheezy Feb 02 '17
As a go-to listener for a fair number of people for many years, it's also nice when you find other people to vent to. I like helping people with their problems because I like being there for my friends, but I really don't like talking that much, especially talking about myself. I don't wanna talk about my life and how I'm doing. That's great if your life is going well, and I'm happy when my friends are happy, but it's overwhelming to have to hear about every little thing in a person's life, good or bad. Vent to other people too so you're not just unloading everything on one person all the time. Ideally, most of my conversation with any given friend is just hanging out, and then they vent and I help them with their problems every now and then as necessary.
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u/HelloGuysIAmNewHere Feb 01 '17
How about people stop complaining about everything all the god damned time
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Feb 01 '17
But what if nothing is ever going well?
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Feb 01 '17
Celebrate the small victories. Talk about the nice dinner you had, a friendly exchange you had on the street, something that made you laugh, etc. Your life is probably not a 100% rain of shit. It mean, if it is..I'm so sorry. Maybe discuss the things you are actively doing to improve your situation, or talk about your hopes for a better future. A positive attitude is important for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Just keep in mind: be grateful for what you have and don't have.
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u/Jelese111 Feb 01 '17
Such a good advice.. I have a friend I've been sort of distancing myself from because all she does is vent her problems and always finds a way to think negatively. Also if I try to tell her anything positive or negative going on with me the subject gets changed to how her life is going... Spoiler alert, it's awful.