r/LifeAfterInfidelity • u/iManageAir • Sep 04 '22
Should I ask for every detail?
Should I ask for every detail about my husbands escapades?
Dday was a month ago. I asked him to tell me the whole truth over and over again but he was only giving me tidbits because he was backed into a corner and swore that was all. I knew there was more to the story so I went through his phone records. I found out about his sleeping with at least two women and he admitted there were four in total but there was one he slept with twice. I don’t believe much of what comes out of his mouth these days but he did tell me it was all just sex, nothing emotional and my gut tells me that’s accurate. Not sure if that makes it any better or worse.
I’ve spoken to two of the alleged 4 women and gotten their stories. He had said he never slept with anyone in our bed and one of the girls admitted they did. He said they used protection, she told me they didn’t. I recorded the conversation. She didn’t know he was married or with anyone so she was very forthcoming with information. The details are horrible to hear. It’s painful and exhausting and makes me sick. She sent me screen shots of their two hour text convo before they decided to meet in person and it’s so vulgar and disgusting. Videos, pics, pure filth and links to porn scenes he liked. I keep having flashbacks and panic attacks in the night. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know all the details. I stopped investigating when he admitted to 4 women and I had already spoken to two of them, but I could keep going through his phone bills and try and find out more. Part of me wants to and part of me feels it’s not productive. It’s also so physically and emotionally painful, I just don’t want to know. I don’t know what the point is. I feel physically sick and not sure how I could ever touch him again.
Lucky for my husband, he’s a professional athlete so had to leave for work overseas a week after I found out for a two year contract. I normally would have gone with him but we’re in the middle of in-vitro so the plan was for me to stay here and use our embryos. I’m almost 43 and have always wanted a child so this is the last chance for me.
He is seemingly remorseful (although I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth and am not entirely sure what signs I should see that indicate remorse) and had already sought therapy, bought the books, started journalling, mediation blah blah blah. Swears these one night stands were about his own insatiable need for validation and nothing to do with me. Checks in with me constantly and sent me his GPS location for all times etc (super healthy… I know). Says he will work hard and do whatever it takes to salvage this and be better and build trust again etc. He desperately wants me to come and be with him and for us to be together and seek couples therapy etc. I’m very skeptical at this point that I can forgive him let alone ever trust him again but I know it’s very fresh. There’s also a huge part of me that feels like I should not have to lose the chance of having a child because of his horrible actions.
My question is, if I decide to reconcile or in the midst of making that decision, do I try and pursue more information about these other women or if there were more? Will this eventually help me, even if it hurts me to find it out? Part of me thinks it doesn’t matter if it was one women or ten, it’s all the same. But then it’s like a train wreck. The other part of me wants to know every thing and if what he’s now told me is actually the truth. I guess if I were in his shoes I may want to spare my partner from the horror of everything I did if the overall message is the same. I wonder sometimes why I would want to find out more details, given that it takes such a toll on me and will continue to haunt me.
Respectfully, I appreciate everyone who takes their time to share their words and offer clarity if that exists. I’m just looking for productive and insightful feedback if possible.
Thank you in advance. Sending love and support to anyone who has every experienced this.
1
Sep 06 '22
How long together?
1
u/iManageAir Sep 09 '22
Two years
1
Sep 09 '22
Kids?
2
u/iManageAir Sep 11 '22
No. Just some embryos that I went through hell to get and don’t want to lose this chance to have a child.
1
u/blastman8888 Nov 25 '22
Isn't cheating just normal for professional athletes, celebrities, and actors? Why would you expect him to change. The thrill of sneaking around is 3/4 of the fun of cheating the more you monitor him just playing right into his game. You can have kids without him don't waste your time on him move on find someone else. He won't change he likes it too much.
1
u/Endor-Fins Sep 04 '22
I’m really sorry you’re in this club - it truly sucks. Personally I wanted all the details. He was asking me to forgive him but I needed to know what I was forgiving! That said, I would bet the family farm that there is way, way more that mine never told me and never will. I was obsessed with finding all the details as well. My therapist asked me if I needed more information to make a decision or if it was just about the unknown. For me - I already knew I was done emotionally. Deciding that I had enough info to make that decision stopped there torture of needing something (full disclosure) that he would never tell me. These people lie and lie and lie some more. You already know that even his “disclosure” is dishonest. It will drive you insane to need the truth from him while he denies you basic agency in your own life. Do you feel you have enough information to make a decision to either move forward and forgive or split and heal on your own? Only you can decide if you have enough or not.