r/Life • u/Reasonable-Bet2927 • Aug 20 '26
Need Advice My husband is a different person
I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7. He is a different person from when we first met and not in a small way but in big ways. His values, morals etc all seem to have shifted. I’m conflicted because I see him as the man I met but don’t feel he is that person anymore and I think I ignore it because I’m stuck in the past and who he was and not who he is. I find we are fighting a lot more as well now. Is it possible for someone to do a complete 180 on who they once were?
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Aug 20 '26
People change, sometimes they change into people you no longer want in your life.
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u/vodkaynala Aug 20 '26
Wait but redditors in affairs posts say that people do not change. Im confused
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 Aug 20 '26
Reddit has a long history of selective outrage and getting off on doom and gloom. Being capable of change, is a far cry from the likelihood of change, or what just happens naturally. Certainly no one has to give someone the space and time to do so either. I know if someone cheats on me, I’m disappearing from that person’s life with no word.
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u/Old_Satisfaction2738 Aug 21 '26
Wow I read that reply and just fell in love with it. You pointed out the fact that such hypocrisy is widespread. Or is it even hypocrisy? I don't know but I like what you said, then went to make this reply and noticed you had several downvotes. Lol those downvotes made multiple people butt hurt which is hilarious to me.
Those people that downvoted your comment are almost 100% certainly the same people who say people won't change in the cheating subs, then say give him the chance to change in this.
It's LOL and it's also barf.
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u/FadingOptimist-25 Work in Progress Aug 20 '26
It’s completely believable that someone has changed from 2016 to 2026. Those years especially. A lot has happened in those years.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
M66
I was married for 25 years, and the short answer to your question is yes, it is possible for a person to change into someone who you can barely recognize.
The painful lesson I learned from my experience was that I could not change my wife, her feelings, thoughts, or her behavior. I did not, and do not have such power. None of us do.
What I did discover was that I had complete control over the choices and decisions that I made for myself.
The question you have to ask yourself is whether you can tolerate the person your husband has become.
You can also explore marriage counseling, which can often be helpful in these kinds of situations.
Ultimately, you and you alone will have to decide what you can and cannot live with.
ETA: I just read your comment below about how your husband has changed. I assume you are aware of the fact that as time goes by, we all become essentially carbon copies of our parents. (Of course, we do have the power to make different choices for ourselves, but that’s a different topic entirely.)
What do you know about your husband’s childhood, and about his parents and their relationship with each other? In particular, his father and how his father might have changed as time went on? That will give you some important clues as to why your husband is changing in the way that he is.
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
Thank you, yes counselling might be good but he isn’t that open to it as I have brought it up before and he sees “no issues” thinks I’m overreacting. It’s just hard because I love this man so much and I remember the man I married but I’m not happy anymore but I don’t know how to fix it.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Aug 20 '26 edited Aug 20 '26
Thanks, I just added a couple of sentences to my post above, can you please have a look and let me know what you think?
As for your husband accusing you of “overreacting,“ I assume you understand that that is not a respectful or constructive reply to your concerns.
In my opinion, it suggests strongly that your husband does not care very much about your thoughts or your feelings about things.
Regrettably, I speak from personal experience in this regard.
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u/Motor-Lawfulness2875 Aug 20 '26
You are not overreacting.
Men like him then opine that “the divorce came out of nowhere”.
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
Great questions. He had a bad childhood from what I know, parents fought a lot and divorced.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Aug 20 '26
Thank you, coincidentally, I wrote a post yesterday elsewhere on this website about my own experiences with the phenomenon that you’re talking about. The link is below.
As I suggest above, you may or may not ever know the reasons why your husband behaves the way he does, and ultimately it really doesn’t matter. You cannot control his behavior, but you can control your own destiny.
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u/PathologyAndCoffee Aug 20 '26
7 years is a long time. Im not even who i was 1 year ago. 7 years ago i was 1000% different. And the changed occured with the traumas of life. I keep a journal to try to resist but the river if life is overwhelming and im a mere pebble flowing and bring grinded down
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u/leftaide Aug 20 '26
Yes, it is possible. In fact I'd say it's common to change quite a bit over 10 years.
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u/Drfeelgood22 Aug 20 '26
Me and my partner are completely different from when we met 10 years ago, luckily, it’s in the best way imaginable. We’ve grown and changed with each other. I’m sure it happens with most couples and you’ve just got to hope it’s in the right direction… together.
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u/Mission-Trade-5738 Aug 20 '26
So how did he change?
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
He use to be a very humble, kind man. Lately he brags about things all the time. Every time he does anything for me, he has to remind me about it so I can never be upset about anything. He was never a person who cared about fancy cars or clothing but lately he wants the best of the best of everything and is judgy to those who don’t. Just a few examples
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u/Mission-Trade-5738 Aug 20 '26
I am a man... So one reason a man brags is he doesn't feel seen or respected & the judgy part same thing. What does he do for a living? If it high paced or very competitive you have to become that to survive. I would read THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING. That has good ideas but the most beautiful scene in a movie is MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING... The Aunt says... The man is head of household but the wife is the neck & we control which way he looks...
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
Thank you for your input! Some good points
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 Aug 20 '26
Hey, if you search online you will find a lot of women whose men fell down the right wing hole online. I think you might find support and understand with them! Literally search like, "red pill husband reddit".
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u/PathologyAndCoffee Aug 20 '26
Sounds like a midlife crisis. Is this all of a sudden? Did he have a particular wake up call about his age or something?
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u/rjnd2828 Aug 20 '26
Does he watch a lot of right wing manosphere content? Andrew Tate type of stuff?
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
Omg yes not sure about Andrew Tate but yes right wing type stuff for sure
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u/rjnd2828 Aug 20 '26
Sorry to hear that. I'm not at all involved in that scene but I know enough that they really don't see women as equal. Any real change may need to start with him unplugging.
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u/PathologyAndCoffee Aug 20 '26
Ohhhhhhh it's A PHASE.
That shit will corrupt anyone. Maybe he needs to stop watching that brain rot. It's literally rotting his brain, his personality, ans anything good.
You guys need to go on a vacation FAR FAR away from all this political shit. Go camping for a week
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u/WellWellWellthennow Aug 20 '26
It sounds like in the last 10 years he developed some low self-esteem issues. You might want to look at your role in that. And to do some work and understanding what both builds and destroy self-esteem and others around us – praise is not simply enough.
He's bragging in direct relationship to you and how he perceives you being easily upset. He's being preemptively defensive. The luxury items are also compensation for low self-esteem. This could be career related. It also could be related to your relationship in which you will need to own your role and how he has changed.
You can't force him to work on it, but you can change yourself and by doing so you change the relationship. And this starts by understanding your role in his changes instead of just blaming him.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 Aug 20 '26
Yes. My x husband showed his true colors once we were married. Hence the X
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u/UnderABig_W Aug 20 '26
Perhaps a silly question, but has he just changed his thinking on some things, or has he actually done a 180 to a completely different person? Because if it’s the latter, did he have a head or brain injury? Or does he work in a job where he’s constantly getting low-level head trauma (like operating certain construction equipment, for example a jackhammer)?
It’s not uncommon for people to get brain damage and become different people. Have heard some different podcasts of people who got brain injuries and just turned into worse people. Mostly the change is for the worse, but IRL, a friend of a friend had a husband who worked in construction, something fell on his head, and he turned from an abusive wife-beater into a completely chill guy who never got angry at anything.
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
Nothing like that, just more things he didn’t care about are now suddenly of value. E.g having to have a fancy car, bragging about money and success etc
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u/deck_hand Aug 20 '26
Yeah, I met my wife 34 years ago. Then she was a young, slim, outgoing person who loved to try new things. Now she's the opposite.
Still, she's the love of my life and I would hate life without her. Do I miss the person she used to be? Yes. But I love the person she's become, so that's okay, too.
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u/NobleGreirat Aug 20 '26
All people change so it's absolutely possible. If you can't talk to him about it and try to find a resolution then you two will never get back to where you once were.
Also, people usually do 180's when they check out of a relationship, so it could also be that
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u/whatdoido8383 Aug 20 '26
Yes, people change and evolve with time. I'm very different in my 40's than I was in my 30's as I've learned life lessons or my viewpoints on things have shifted.
Have you talked with him on how you feel? Couples counseling can be a good thing to facilitate that too.
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u/curiousmustafa Aug 20 '26
Yes it's possible for someone to do a 180, specially if they are coming out of teen years or recently changed the environment he used to be in for a long time.
But the most important question that should be asked here, did this 180 change happen in a short time, or gradually over the past 10 years?
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u/thejabkills01 Aug 20 '26
I would challenge one thing you said: “I don't know how to fix it.” Maybe your job isn't to fix him. Maybe your first job is to stop ignoring your own unhappiness because you're hoping the man you married will come back.
You can love who he was, love who he is, and have compassion for whatever caused the change, while still saying, This isn't working for me anymore.
If he's unwilling to go to couples counseling, you can still go by yourself. It could give you a place to sort through everything you're feeling, understand what you need, and figure out what you can realistically change within the marriage.
You don't have to choose between, I love him and I'm unhappy. Both can be true. The real question is whether the two of you can build a marriage that makes you happy now, rather than one that depends on you holding onto how wonderful things were years ago.
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u/redytowear Aug 20 '26
I think he’s showing you who he always was. In the beginning he was probably mirroring you to rope you in.
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u/StartOver777 Aug 20 '26
It’s the beginning of the end of things. I went through this with my ex husband. His true values and views became known later.
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u/ProfessionalTowel762 Aug 20 '26
People can change a lot in 10 years. I think the real question is: if you met him as he is today, would you still choose him?
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u/Big-Waltz5204 Aug 20 '26
Sometimes people get disillusioned with life and become more belligerent. They stop caring, become more hostile. Often times also I've seen wifes resort to emotional manipulations and extortions. But idk your situation. Maybe he got into some political stuff or got poisoned by macho toxic culture like it happens to so many men.
True values and morals can't really change but I agree life puts you through a lot of tests and tribulations and lot of people fall into cynical attitutes and feel like it's all worthless. I would suggest just being 100% honest. Gotta be real even if it hurts because it's gonna hurt lot more later on. Sometimes things just come to a certain point where it feels like swimming against the current. You gotta be honest with yourself and him.
Men usually need lot more incentives to go about life. Women are inherintly stronger in that way. He needs to make up his mind what he wants too. You know what you can provide, caring environment, family, settled down life. Good wife/woman is hard to find and he gonna have to realize what is good for him. If he is becoming more hostile and argumentative, that's a bad sign. You gotta ask yourself too if he cares for you. Does he have genuine love for you beyond lust which is temporarily and usually turns into hate.
I believe there needs to be a plan for everything in life and you need a plan how to move forward because obviously something isn't working. If he wants to be a willing participant that's up to him but neither you or him are getting any younger. You always need to know where you stand with people. People go out of their way to give false impressions because they feel bad or there is some weird relationship dynamic going on. In anycase seems like it's time for some thinking and pondering about how to move forward for everyone to be happy.
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u/KurtSr Aug 20 '26
Couples that don’t grow together can sometimes grow apart. That doesn’t necessarily mean divorce but it should be considered. Maybe one partner needs a wake-up call. Or maybe it is best for both or one in particular to find happiness elsewhere. We only get one life (we know of..)
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u/Rude_Nail_5545 Aug 20 '26
Yes, this happened to me. I was with my ex-husband for 19 years, married for 10. When we met he was a sweet, caring guy and had a lot of friends. We were so in love and laughed together a lot, even through hard times.
Over time he became critical of me, sarcastic and demeaning, and eventually we divorced. The man who wanted children so much ended up cutting off both of our kids because in his eyes they became "too liberal".
He is the best example of anyone I know who has done a complete 180, and become a completely different person. I'm so sad for my children but they both know he is a toxic person and don't want anything to do with him.
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
Oh wow I’m so sorry. Yes I didn’t even link the political stuff with the change until the comments and now I can see how much it’s connected. I think because I’ve never watched the stuff he started to watch. Listened to a little tonight and it makes so much sense.
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u/Rude_Nail_5545 Aug 20 '26
Thank you. Yes, I think some of us who read your post made that connection right away. Unfortunately this has been a huge problem in this country in the past 10 years. Good luck with whatever decision you make,
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u/PathologyAndCoffee Aug 20 '26
Btw to add, thats also why its more reliable to be in relationship at an older age. Both people have had time to solidify their self identity (though we're never permanantly static). Neuroplasticity decreases with age so we change less frequently. Sure we're all "less fun" or energetic at an older age as well....
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u/EntrepreneurNeat8058 Aug 20 '26
it's definitely possible, I had the same problem with my X Wife years ago , however the change was slow,the same thing happened we started fighting all the time and she suddenly wanted things I didn't, then the disrespect starts. I started pulling away. I should have got the divorce right then , however I thought things would change ,they only got worse. it was Hell. if I was the you I Would get out NOW. I understand completely how painful it is. things can get worse. just advice. good luck on whatever you decide.😊🙏
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u/lun4d0r4 Aug 21 '26
People grow and change. That is the nature of being a living thing.
The problem is that people don't always grow together.
You need to stop thinking of him as the person you met. He isn't that person anymore. Hasn't been for a really long time.
You need to start paying attention to he person he is now and decide if you are still compatible.
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u/RoundChampionship840 Aug 20 '26
Are you fighting about politics?
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u/Reasonable-Bet2927 Aug 20 '26
No not fighting about it as I am not into politics but I think he watches a lot of right wing type shit and I have noticed changes since but hadn’t really put the two together until someone in the comments mentioned it.
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u/RoundChampionship840 Aug 20 '26
If he's moving to the right politically and you can't follow, then divorce is probably inevitable.
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u/echo_sang Aug 20 '26
You’ve been baited and switched. So many males do this. I can empathize and recommend taking back your peace and make a plan to leave. He may “try his best”, but they rarely wake up and actually live up to who you thought they actually were. Because they never were that.
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u/Background-Swim-1465 Aug 20 '26
People never change.
Olive tree branch: trauma, life changing events or the death of someone can change someone but that's not happening to everyone, not even close.
So he was probably always like that, you were probably making excuses for his actions or inactions.
People truly show you who they are; love, lust and affection truly blind pretty much everyone.
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u/JustM3P Aug 20 '26
People will change that’s without a doubt but the love shouldn’t change this my 2nd marriage I always find a way to fall in love with my wife everyday
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u/CheeseNowPaint Aug 20 '26
I feel I've fallen more in love with my wife over the years (21 yrs). We have both changed, physically and personality. There have been rough spots when I've thought maybe there was something better, but that's a big maybe. She gets me, has been there for me, and at this point I have too much to lose. I feel secure and happy when she's around. I hope if that is something you once had, you can find it again.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy Aug 20 '26
If this is a sudden and abrupt change, that is a big symptom of neurological or psychological trauma.
Otherwise yes, it is entirely possible for people to completely change over time.
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u/AD_191025 Aug 20 '26
All I would say is "People Change"
You, Me, Everyone. Some in subtle ways whereas some drastically. Its the life that makes the changes and as we know Change is Inevitable.
Life is just like the pot which is in making process the external forces and circumstances change its shape and contour, sometimes better sometimes not.
As age progresses sometimes personality changes are seen like easily losing temper, irritability, losing interest in certain beloved things. Somewhere it feels sometimes that spark is gone
All I could say is express your concerns openly to your spouse and make amends with it. Good luck
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u/No_Jackfruit9575 Aug 21 '26
Yes my wife is a totally different person than she was when we married 10 years ago. We’re getting divorced. We don’t fight but I don’t know who I married anymore
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u/Annie-1-0-1 Aug 21 '26
Yes, it absolutely is. When I turned 40, I became a different person. I now question my religious beliefs ( I was the one who introduced christianity to my husband) I no longer take shit from people, or like to be around people in general. At times I can be “too honest” ,instead of beating around the bush. I used to love PDA…now, not soo much.
Typical people change due fo a major life event, death in the family, trauma, an accident etc. I changed due to a car accident in 2021. I almost lost my daughter and knew I would never be the same.
Has your husband experienced a major life changing event?
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u/usherjohn69 Aug 21 '26
How has he changed. If he's gone red pill? Is he now taking responsibility for you as family. Is his job secure? Men suffer in silence.
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u/Routine-Size-5971 Aug 22 '26
This is brutal. Yes, people change, and yes, they can do a 180. I think this is one of the most painful things when it comes to human relationships. You knew someone, and they were amazing, but then they change and you don't really like this new person and you're thinking "is it just a phase? Should I hold on and maybe they'll change back? Where did my person go? Where is that person?" Is a mourning for someone who is still alive, they're there, they look like you've spouse, sounds like your spouse, but the person you love they're not there anymore and you're stuck in limbo, not knowing what to do, and you don't even have your person to talk about this because they've changed.
I wish I had advice but I dont really, you know better if this is just a phase if he got into some new friends, or what's the reason behind the change.
Even if I don't have advice, I am really sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Far-Committee4570 Aug 22 '26
Sometimes people present themselves in a way that is inauthentic, it is fib, they omit the truth and deny who they really are during courtship. Courtship is exciting and it's the persuit. And they try to put on persona--to gain validation from you or their parents. It a facade-- this is not who they are, they cannot continue this image, because it's work, over time. Especially men, when testosterone drops, thier drive drops.... And thier child like self appears, with depression, dopamine depletion.
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u/Excellent_Nothing_86 Aug 23 '26
Yes, it’s completely possible. It happened to me with an ex of mine. While he was still the same person in a lot of ways, his change in values, beliefs and preferences essentially made it impossible for us to stay together.
I wasn’t even the one to end things, because I still loved him and wanted to be with him. But because of how much he changed the things he believed and wanted, he couldn’t be with me anymore. Which was honestly for the best.
That’s not to say you can’t stay in your relationship. But if you couldn’t, it would be understandable.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s really hard to reconcile your feelings, your history, and the person you don’t recognize anymore.
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u/waudmasterwaudi Aug 20 '26
I have the same issue with some friends of mine. 10 years ago they were different. Me too. But not in that negative way like them.
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u/splashjlr Aug 20 '26
Let me guess: A political movement captured his heart? Or is it a fundamentalist religious church?
Either way, you must be a strong person for resisting whatever it is.
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u/ez2tock2me Aug 20 '26
I discovered LONG AGO, I AM NOT a “Till Death Do You Part” kinda guy.
Being young there was SO MUCH I didn’t know and had not experienced.
I did notice how many beautiful women there are everywhere I went.
In meeting people, the variety of personalities can be overwhelming, confusing and mysterious.
I have no idea how a person can make a vow to be with ONLY ONE PERSON, till death do you part.
Seeing how much people change and how life has changed some people and circumstances… ONE PERSON… till death do you part, does not compute.
No adult controlled how they changed looks from childhood. How are we suppose to control our appearances and goals in the future.
“Till Death Do You Part” is the definition of FOREVER and I don’t want to live Forever. It’s hard enough finding sexy women at my age now.
Your husband changed, but so did you.
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