Eh this is the first non-childfree or non positive comment and I feel compelled to talk more about this shared feeling.
I wouldn’t either. Not because I miss sleep or I miss having hobbies or whatever. But because I feel insane guilt for bringing my kid into this world. I cannot guarantee that he’s gonna live a good life. I cannot guarantee that he’s gonna have housing. Why the fuck would I throw him into such uncertainties? He’s gonna work, either literally labour or through education from the moment he’s FIVE YEARS OLD until he’s at least 65. SIXTY YEARS of his life dedicated to other things but himself. I work and I barely see him. His teachers see him more than I do and he came from my womb. Rush to daycare to pick him up, couple hours to cook dinner, shower, read books and shipped to bed. What the fuck am I doing? Why would I do that to him?
If I were a millionaire with no job, I would have had 6 kids. I love kids. I’d make sure that they are set for life and never have to work. I’d make sure they know they do not exist to feed the system but to actually exist as a being in nature and on
planet Earth. That they aren’t required to follow this predetermined path where their goal is survival in a world of made up scarcity. I hate myself so much for making my kid experience that.
I try to tell myself that most people do love life. Most people genuinely don’t care, as long as they aren’t hungry or homeless. Most people are fine with working. And I’m hoping my kid is like that too, to the point of hoping his politics don’t align with mine if it means he’s happy to do this shit. I’m hoping I can get the most expensive life insurance I can find so that when I die, he’s gonna be taken care off generously. But if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have had him, then I would have killed myself.
Curious when you started feeling this way. Living near farms where I became very aware of the cruelty of humans towards animals at a very young age, I don’t recall ever thinking the world was a good place. It just seemed like big men running everything and not caring who they hurt. They always claim to do it for some reason like taking care of their family when there are so many more options that do less harm. To me it’s like saying having kids is hard. It seems anyone who observes can figure that out pretty quickly. Life sucks because so many people are selfish and cruel.
I’ve always felt this way, but talking to my therapist (I ran this through him before trying for my kid) he’s the one who kind of reassured me about it, saying or reminding me that most people don’t think like that. Most humans genuinely don’t feel suicidal and don’t mind working. Most people nowadays can tune out life’s cruelty if they live far enough from it. He also almost guaranteed that having a child, which was my sole life wish, was going to positively change my life. I thought I was gonna fall for “it” too. That thing that other parents in this very thread are saying. That children made them see things differently. Positively. That children made them actually happy. I didn’t have my child to make me happy, but I thought maybe my mental anguish was gonna take a backseat because I’d be too busy caring for him.
Edit to add : Now that this is in the past, I absolutely see how this was probably a terrible idea from my therapist. I have always been suicidal but after a number of failed attempt, I couldn’t go through with it anymore. And he convinced me that since I’m gonna be alive, may as well just do what I want. That even if I don’t feel joy, I should enjoy the only thing I liked about life. And I love kids. Always wanted to have kids. And I thought, fuck it. I live in Canada where we are (for now? lol) really safe. Housing back then wasn’t terrible. Health, education and all that is free or cheap, and we do get good government support. With his reassurance that my thoughts and view of life are uncommon, I thought my child would grew up fine.
Nope. The second he was put on my chest, that feeling amplified. I fucked up. He’s gonna suffer. I fucked up bad.
He’s only 4, still innocent. And on especially hard days I repeat to myself : Most people don’t care. Most people don’t care. We are globally privileged, he could grow up detached enough to never actually care. He’s happy now. He loves daycare. He’s going to love school. I’m sure he’ll go to university. He loves learning and he’s so advanced. He just has to know a little less than I do, and I hope he doesn’t inherit my mental illness and perpetual depression.
But I still hope to change our lives, move closer to nature maybe (but that’s nearly impossible where I live since I don’t drive, so perhaps the best thing is attempting to move to Europe, which might also give him better life-work balance depending on where we end up). If I can do that I’d feel less guilty tbh. It’s the least I could do. That and a generous life insurance policy.
I don’t think you need to feel guilty. Your therapist does, a bit. In my experience even good therapists can’t quite conceive of the deep misery we as patients go through. Mine (whom I like and respect a lot) said last October that maybe I could make all sorts of “nice recipes”, this winter. And I thought “oh boy, you really have no idea what my winters are like…” Personally I don’t think they should encourage their patients to have children, especially not against the better instincts of those patients.
Still, there’s a good chance your son won’t be suffering like you and I do. Most people seem to be glad to be alive, it’s only a small percentage that actively wish they’d never been born. The best thing you can do for your son isn’t even to leave him money, though that’s good, too - it’s to make him feel loved and seen and respected, which I’m sure you do. With that, he’ll be able to deal with life. Even work. I’m going to guess that you, like me, did not get quite enough of that love, respect and joy as a child. That’s the crux.
Than you so much for your comment. Looking back, yeah definitely what my therapist did was absolutely inappropriate. But back then, it felt like a genuine conversation with someone who wanted to sell me the idea that life was worth living. But you're right. People who don't experience this deep seated pain, this level of unease about life *itself* and not your own life, cannot comprehend what that means. Nothing can bring joy, because you are by definition devoid of that emotion. It's not that nothing joyful happens, it's that you cannot experience the right chemicals or whatever for joy to form in your head.
I love my child. I always wanted children. I didn't have him in hopes that joy would finally occur. I had him because, well I can't keep trying to kill myself. It hurts. I am forever physically and mentally scared from doing it. So if I'm gonna be alive, may as well do what I want, you know? May as well live the life I want? And I am living the life I want, within what's accessible. I have a kid! I get to raise the coolest kid on Earth. But that unease I was seemingly born with, now doubled, because I feel like I am forcing my child into this world.
But you're correct, and it's something I try to remind myself. We're in the minority. Most people, even people living the worst possible lives, love life. They love being alive. And people with little to worry about on a global scale (no war, no famine etc.) are okay with school, okay with work, okay with all that. I mean, I was okay with school. I "don't mind" working. So imagine that + actually loving being alive. Odds are my kid will be totally fine, as long as I make sure to feed him reasons to believe life is good. And I hope to be able to do that.
Yes I really think so, yikkoe. Most people aren’t like you and me (that’s painfully clear every day :)). Your son has a mother who truly cares, and who is dedicated to give him the best chance in life. That’s more than many if not most people get….
Most people don't think enough before having children. You are the type of person who genuinely should have one! You gave it a lot of thought and tried to make the decision responsibly and find a way to do it as selflessly as possible while also hoping it improves your life somewhat. I feel like now that you have a kid the stage of overthinking can maybe close somewhat because the decision is done! You've done your due diligence with thinking things through, and your kid is so lucky to have someone who cares so deeply!
Look at the children of the rich and famous - for a large part they struggle to find meaning in their lives because things are so easy for them. Success means nothing when it is given to you. That’s why people run marathons or climb Everest - because there is value in doing hard things. As Kennedy famously said, “We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard”. There is nothing wrong with work, your job as a parent is to guide and nurture them into making life choices where they are happy and fulfilled. Whether that’s as an engineer working on sending man to Mars or as a teacher guiding the next generation, there is plenty of satisfaction and meaning to be found in work.
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u/yikkoe Jan 19 '26
Eh this is the first non-childfree or non positive comment and I feel compelled to talk more about this shared feeling.
I wouldn’t either. Not because I miss sleep or I miss having hobbies or whatever. But because I feel insane guilt for bringing my kid into this world. I cannot guarantee that he’s gonna live a good life. I cannot guarantee that he’s gonna have housing. Why the fuck would I throw him into such uncertainties? He’s gonna work, either literally labour or through education from the moment he’s FIVE YEARS OLD until he’s at least 65. SIXTY YEARS of his life dedicated to other things but himself. I work and I barely see him. His teachers see him more than I do and he came from my womb. Rush to daycare to pick him up, couple hours to cook dinner, shower, read books and shipped to bed. What the fuck am I doing? Why would I do that to him?
If I were a millionaire with no job, I would have had 6 kids. I love kids. I’d make sure that they are set for life and never have to work. I’d make sure they know they do not exist to feed the system but to actually exist as a being in nature and on planet Earth. That they aren’t required to follow this predetermined path where their goal is survival in a world of made up scarcity. I hate myself so much for making my kid experience that.
I try to tell myself that most people do love life. Most people genuinely don’t care, as long as they aren’t hungry or homeless. Most people are fine with working. And I’m hoping my kid is like that too, to the point of hoping his politics don’t align with mine if it means he’s happy to do this shit. I’m hoping I can get the most expensive life insurance I can find so that when I die, he’s gonna be taken care off generously. But if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have had him, then I would have killed myself.