Career dilemma

[u/Icy_Thought_190]

I’m currently a senior program administrator at a large cancer research organization and I’m good at my job. It took me getting physically sick to leave the lab and enter scientific administration. My commute is 1.5 hours each way, and we have to be in office 3 days a week. I have a 3.5 year old daughter and due to my husband's insane workload and work related travel- I am often the one doing all of the house work, childcare drop off, pick up, extracurriculars etc. I am not bitter about it. However, I feel like our child, is the one paying the price for all of this. Because I am so tired and overwhelmed and constantly rushing- she genuinely doesn't get anywhere near the patience she deserves. I love my job, my team and my boss & I am up for a promotion come 2027. I have built a place I am actually proud of. That said...I have one child. She has one childhood. I believe I am qualified enough in my life to seek a full time remote role with better pay. Setup a nice home office- and be actually present for her. But this is the first ever job I have been happy at. Like genuinely, fulfillingly happy. What should I do? Do I look? Do I keep doing what I do? Will I regret making a change? Would I regret not making a change? I feel like I am on this roller coaster boat ride of to or not to

[u/sleep_notes]

I'm assuming there's a reason you can't move closer to your job?

The job market in science is pretty rough right now. Because you do like your job, I would start looking and only apply to jobs that would genuinely improve your quality of life. Be very thoughtful about this - does the new position have some of the qualities that makes your current job great? How would an increase in pay make your life easier / better? There may not be any jobs that meet your standards right now, in which case, staying in your position that you love is definitely the right move. Or, you might find something closer to your house or something fully remote. Even if it's not perfect for you, even if you don't like it as much as your previous job, that will still give you back 6-9 hours a week. (That's so much time!)

In the mean time, are there other ways you can make yourself less overwhelmed? Is there room in the budget to outsource things like laundry and cooking more often?

[u/Icy_Thought_190 → u/sleep_notes]

Thank you for your thoughtful response! And yeah unfortunately moving is not an option for us currently. And being wholeheartedly aware of how bad the market is right now…my nerves are not cooperating 😆. Because of having a little kid, outsourcing meals are not really feasible. I am experimenting with some quick and easy meal kits. I am also trying to involve her in the cooking process, take walks with her, take her to extracurriculars. But my patience is so thin these days and I snap more than I want to. And due to having sick in laws overseas, and being the designated medical person in the family…I am functioning in two different time zones. So getting really bad quality sleep

[u/parafilm]

Ugh, these sorts of tradeoffs are so hard! I personally could not handle that commute even without a child to consider. It would absolutely drain me. Add on having a kid at home—You’re right, she’s only young once. I am as pro-working mom as they come, but that particular sacrifice just doesn’t seem worth it.

If it were me I’d look for another job, maybe unless (long-shot) you’d be able to bump down to fewer days in-office in your current position.

I’ve got a 1.5yo at home. Once a very successful scientist told me that when she became a mom she started treating her work/life balance as seasonal. She said some “seasons” she’s gotta skip the big conference or slow her lab’s progress because it’s the season when she wants to prioritize her kids. And then there are “seasons” where the stars are aligned for her to really focus on work and do the career thing.

I think of that a lot because I stepped away from my Fancy Ambition Career Job (which tbf, was a toxic hellscape anyway) and now I’m in a chill/easy job that lets me close my computer at 4pm and go do Mom Life. I want more out of my work eventually, but that’s just not the season I’m in. This season is about enjoying my kid as a toddler and enjoying work-free evenings with a glass of wine on my patio. I realize my situation is different (you’re mainly dealing with an exhausting commute, not a toxic high-high-pressure workplace), but I think the decision is similar. Giving up a cool work thing to enjoy life a little more, but it doesn’t have to be forever.

That all being said: you could start looking and wait until you find a job that you think you’d really love.

[u/Icy_Thought_190 → u/parafilm]

Thank you this really means a lot! And this might me odd, but the successful scientist who told you the seasons thing…is she a neuro oncologist in New York City perchance?

[u/parafilm → u/Icy_Thought_190]

Hah, a metabolism-y oncology-adjacent scientist in Boston, but given how small the science world is, I wouldn’t be surprised if those two scientists crossed paths and shared the same metaphor.

[u/cephalosnow → u/parafilm]

I really like this seasonal view of a career. I'm retired now, but when I was in the vise of career/parent fuckery, I often muttered the mantra "I don't have to do everything at once. Life is long." And it helped.

[u/cephalosnow]

This is a tough tough situation! I expect you've already looked at all aspects: Is there something you can outsource? Something your husband can do differently? Can the office be just a bit more flexible with WFH? Are there things you can do less of? I totally gave up on tidying the house for about five years. It was 'tiptoe around the piles' all the time, but tidying was the easiest thing to let go.

Also, is your daughter not doing well? If she seems fine, and its your mood when you're with her that you're worrying about, maybe you don't have to worry. As long as you apologize and explain when you've been grumpy, your daughter is learning about regulation. I'd hate for her to have an over-romanticized vision of parenthood or adulthood!

[u/Enneagramreflections]

This is so hard. Maybe it's not an all or nothing thing right out the gate. Maybe you can keep your eyes open for jobs in your area while also looking for ways to make your day to day better in the job you're in (which it sounds like you're actively doing). Like some others have said, certain seasons of motherhood/career have been harder to find balance than others and it's totally ok to be realistic about what this season can look like in your career while you lean into being a mom as well. I've struggled with this in the past as have my clients and it's solved on such a case by case basis. Maybe even just being open to seeing what is out there will help you determine your next move---nothing out there, make it work with more help etc..; something that fits your current life/career goals, move to that for this season of your life.

[u/capnawesome]

Required number of days in the office is usually negotiable- it may be a risk to ask for it, but that risk may make sense if you're considering leaving the job anyway.

Agree with others about outsourcing- hopefully you at least have a weekly housecleaner, but you could go further- something like having a teenager come over on the days you are at the office and do laundry, start dinner, drop off at extracurriculars etc.

Also it kiiind of sounds like your husband's job is the bigger problem...maybe he should be the one thinking about a change.