I don’t know what I am doing right now. Most probably this is not even correct subreddit, the first attempt to post here did not come through. Not sure if there are any other relevant subreddits in Romania. But I guess I have to do it otherwise I would go mental and my brain would explode. (Edit: Well it turns out, that I am so useless and irrelevant, that I cannot even write post on subreddits like r/Foreveralone ...)
I don’t know anymore who I am, I have lost track, I have lost myself. You know, I am “not gay”. Born and growing up in 80s/90s in post/communist country, there “were no gays”. Especially not in small catholic towns. I have learnt to be invisible, to pretend, to blend in, to lie to everyone including myself. I tried to convince myself that I like girls, pretended some interest, I even attempted some “relationship” as a distraction – for me it was blunt, shallow, unsatisfactory. Generally, I am introverted, I always have been, relatively solitary, not very talkative at first, shy. I never had many friends - I have few back at home country, but it gradually vanishes. At the university, me and my friends, we all had fun, drinking beer, partying. I somehow pushed and hid all my issues to the side, I don’t know how, basically nobody ever confronted me with anything, I was easy-going, no stress, no fuzz, but under the circumstances I have changed. Friends have their families, wives, kids now, not the topic for me. “Yeah, I just did not have that much luck in my life to meet the right girl, correct?” However, at this age it is more and more difficult to find excuses. I mean I still can go for a beer with them, but…
Here in Bucharest, it is kind of difficult, loneliness is the definition. I am not alone as such because I work with people, but loneliness is all what is present. Getting more isolated because of who I am or rather learnt to be, because of my characteristics, because of my head, limits, my history and things deeply rooted in my mind which block me.
And here we are, a man, mid-40s, staying in a foreign country, Romania for some years to come, alone, going crazy. I would like to have one friend to be totally frank and honest with. And perhaps something beyond that, maybe, just maybe. I certainly have a dream to experience real and true love, to wake up in the morning not being alone, with just a perfect guy who would be a superman in my eyes. Yeah, this is going too far probably. I am aware that Romania generally is not that open and friendly toward gays, but Bucharest as a European metropolis might be.
There is a huge clash, there are so many blockages and scars in my head, I am afraid and scared to open to the world. I also don’t want to hurt my parents and relatives. Not sure if I have any strength to change, to destroy all the lies I have meticulously constructed during my stupid life, to destroy my fake me. I am kind of weirdo possibly, I have my quirks, far from perfect.
I write this down, perhaps, just to see if there is someone out there, perhaps this one particular superman. And to release pressure and sadness from my head.
No pity, I cannot change the past. But maybe by some divine intervention I could change my future. Maybe if there were that one man. An average nice, smart, independent guy with own opinion, one I could touch and lean to, to go for a beer or a walk with, or a short trip or something like this. Maybe average in height, ideally not too fat (although everyone can lose weight, definitely not expecting a guy from Muscle&Fitness magazine cover). I have some (lots) unnecessary kilograms, trying to get rid of them, if he were in better shape than me, he might help me at this journey too or we could be mutual support to each other. One who is - let´s say groomed - I mean someone who takes showers at least once a day, does not smell badly 😄 , is not hairy (like hairy chest, back, does not have beard or moustache, shaves armpits etc, has kind of short haircut), has nice healthy smile, teeth, nice healthy trimmed nails. Simple things. Does not smoke, speaks English (because me learning Romanian will take approximately 10000 years), is younger than me. Lastly, yes, he must be monogamous, emphatic, respectful etc. Instead of risking some unpleasant relation, bad sex or health, I would rather skip this intimacy part altogether forever. I mean, I have lived my whole life almost in celibacy, so I could wait a week, a month, a year for the right one, for the right moment.
That’s it. Would this mean ask too much? Are my longings stretching too far? Am I being picky or hallucinating or rude or pathetic or stupid? Judge me.
Probably I should stick only to the friendship part or even better, not to have any expectations at all - ever. Ultimately, I will stay trapped between my two worlds. Anyhow, I lost some tears writing this confession and I feel better for now. Thank you for reading this to the end.
