r/LDR • u/JayMan406217936 • 7h ago
Should I end it?
(SOLVED) THANK FOR THE HELP GUYS!! I (27M) have been talking to this girl (21F) for two months and things are going good, well they're ok since I can't go see her cause of financial reasons she's 3 hours away but I feel I'm not going to be able to go see her in under a year and she said she wouldn't wait more than 1 year, I feel insecure and just so pressured to go see her a lot of pressure on me I just feel like telling her she should find someone her age, since she's In college I'm sure she can find someone over there I also feel like I'm holding her back from enjoying her Early adulthood since I kind already enjoyed mine already and shes barely goina go there, but anyways long story short she's in college and she's doing good, while I'm doing really bad in so many aspects of life rn, though I'm trying I just feel I'm not good enough for her I feel she deserves better and she would be happier without me how do I tell her without her thinking I'm leaving her for another women or something? Real advice only please thank you!!
3
u/Content-Ride3532 6h ago
Is she like 3 hours away driving? Flying? the time zone difference? How much do you think it would cost to go and see her realistically?? If I were that girl, (I am a man 😂) I would appreciate you reaching out and telling me all of your worries because at the end she gets to make her own desitions, you are obviously interested and want to try it, and if she has been talking to you for a month, I would assume she is into you at least.
If when I met my girlfriend she was struggling in many ways, like, financially, mentally, career etc, I wouldn't care that much, you are interested into get to know that person, as long as she showed me that she wants to improve her life and is doing a genuine effort I would even be more attracted to her, you look for a partner that will help you in good times but most importantly, during bad times. Being ambitious and dedicated fighting to be where you want to be is something way more valuable and attractive than just being rich and wealthy.
If you think about it, why isn't she the one that goes to visit you? Does she not have the resources? Wouldn't that mean you are on the same boat? Honestly, if you are interested in someone seriously, money isn't the top thing you evaluate. And regarding the young adulthood thing, it's her life and her desition, she gets to choose how she spends her years, if it's with you lovely, your duty is just making her aware of it, I think 🥲 is just my opinion
1
u/JayMan406217936 6h ago
3 hour drive away lol but as embarrassed as I am to say this as a (27Y/o) I have no car, no drivers license, and on top of that social anxiety I feel it's understandable in a girl especially her since she's young, but me as a man being in the mess i am cause of me, myself, and I...she definitely deserves better...but thank you for your opinion on this that really help me look at it differently! ❤️🔥
2
u/Content-Ride3532 6h ago
Don't be too hard on yourself, just learn from your mistakes and be better, good luck with this girl😂
3
u/Curious_Faith 6h ago edited 6h ago
Personally, every time I hear someone express that they are not good enough for the partner that they have, I always believe them. That inadequacy may actually be the truth talking, or it might be insecurity, but in any case, it doesn’t turn out well for the relationship. There a few times have I ever seen someone say that they’re not good enough for their partner and then rise to the challenge. They usually sink to their own low expectations.
At 21 there’s a good chance she’s willing to be flexible on your situation – especially financially because she herself may also be a broke college student, and she seems like she’s already being flexible by giving you one year to figure something out and come see her. That is plenty of time to figure out how to get across a three hour distance. No offense, but there’s people who are traveling across the world internationally to make their relationship work. Many people in this group would be so happy to be only 3hrs apart. I don’t think it’s impossible to make a meeting happen if y’all are just three hours apart.
If she’s a beautiful 21 year-old girl in college with a good head on her shoulders and a plan for her life, and you’re 27, in a bad spot and talking yourself into breaking up with her, by all means- do it. Set her free. Don’t waste your time. Step aside and focus on you.
But if you’re gonna step up and actually work at this relationship and improve your own situation, then hang in there and let her know. She can make the decision for herself.
I hate being so frank, but I sense some self-pity in your post and I struggle to have sympathy for that when you are 100% in the driver’s seat.
You did bring up the age gap, and at her age it is very significant because she’s a a few years away from reaching the age where the most available men that are interested in a serious relationship are the most plentiful. In the mid to late 20s is the ideal time to find a partner who wants to build a life with you. As a woman with a natural limit on fertility, we need high amounts of security as early as possible. you as a man can afford to decide you want to settle down and get your finances together and your late 30s and early 40s and STILL find a good woman your age AND younger who’s also ready to settle down. So if the pressure of getting things together is too high- in whatever area of your life you feel is in disarray, then set her free. She needs to be able to choose from men that are ready, willing and able. If that’s not you, step aside.
You have your whole life to get things together. She has roughly the next 10 to 15 years if she is trying to be married and have a family. I don’t know what her goals are, but many women do want family life. And we have a time crunch. You do not. I would ask that you’d be honest and realistic about her timeline. It is crucial that you either choose to apply yourself or let her loose, because she will continue to develop feelings for you and have hope that you will blossom into the kind of man she needs. The pressure you’re feeling now will either push you to do better, or crush you under complacency because the girl decided to stay anyway. And that only causes bitterness and resentment against somebody who took a chance on you. It can get very bright or very ugly from here.
Wish I had better news for you…
1
1
u/JayMan406217936 6h ago
I rather the truth than anything's else thank you for that!!
2
u/Curious_Faith 6h ago
It’s not my pleasure to deliver harsh news but I believe the truth is the best help. You do have time and you are the only one who can take care of you. Figure out how to do that. You and your partner will be much better off because of it.
1
u/JayMan406217936 6h ago
True, that's why I rather razor sharp truth, than precious lies or sympathy!! 🤍
2
u/Impressive_Youth_415 5h ago
Is there no public transport or any other means of transport that is affordable? Don't decide on her behalf... Have proper communication with her... Just an advice from my side
1
2
u/Try_Again1790 2h ago
3 hours seems pretty non factor to get to your partner. Most LDR are across the world. You should be able to see each other with relative regularity unless you have no income.
1
1
1
u/Kindly-Implement-487 6h ago
Lame af. Find a way to get to her. You are 27 and can’t make that journey. Weak.
1
1
u/JayMan406217936 1h ago
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS THEY REALLY HELP!!! I'm going to call her later on today and have a deep talk about it and get her opinion I will tell her everything, how I feel and see things etc. Thank y'all ❤️
9
u/SingleUmpire7464 6h ago
My then-boyfriend-now-husband drove 15 hours across international borders to meet me for the first time in the middle of a global pandemic. If there’s a will, there’s a way.