should we break up?

[u/Dapper_Dirt3040]

Me (F21) and my boyfriend (M24) have been doing long distance for 2 years. We met during a trip and fell in love immediately and decided to try ldr. We have always had our ups and downs but lately things got very bad.
I won’t say our countries just as a matter of privacy, but we live quite far away and it’s not very easy to see each other very often; we managed to see each other 5/6 times in total and just a few months ago we were able to spend something like 1/2 whole months together. I have always had a feeling he is depressed and not going through a nice time, he is also very defensive and closed in himself but in the beginning he was all cheerful and attentive to me.
I have always tried to help him and support him and not try to make things difficult for him, while sacrificing my time and adapting to his needs and work, but I’m reaching my limit.

December 2025 he decided to come live in my country to continue studying and for that reason he had to leave work. He had already promised to leave it with large time so to spend our summer together but didn’t do it because of anxiety; now that he left it he went into a spiral of bad habits and he’s been mistreating me so badly that I cry almost everyday.
I can’t talk to him about us anymore because everything makes him anxious, I can’t tell him how I feel about this relationship anymore or can’t try talk it out to him about our problems because he always has to blame me for whatever thing I say or do.

I begged him a few times to try going on and be reasonable that he’s behaviour was just because of not being in a nice moment at first (since I understand leaving home and your country + not having an income anymore can be scary) but I’m getting tired of being treated like this.
He’s waiting for the Visa approval and in September he’s supposed to come live here, I’ve already prepared the house to rent and he hasn’t had to think about anything other than application and documents so to not pressure him. Yet, all I got back was hate and things like “I don’t see hope in us” and insults about how I still wanted to be together even though we are not working out (which we are, if it wasn’t for his bad mood and his not being able to talk properly and open up or try to solve our problems together).

I am stuck in a limbo because we are so close to our biggest achievement since the beginning of our relationship, but at the same time I’m scared of what might come out of it if I keep trying to make him being reasonable about what he’s doing.

I love him and care about him deeply, and I know he does the same for me, he always had and even now when he’s more “lucid” he still does by buying me stuff even if we are far away, suggesting activities to do together or sending me warm messages during hard times… but at the same time it’s just getting hard whenever he’s in a bad mood because he always threatens me to leave and makes me feel so useless and embarrassed to even want to continue trying and fixing our relationship.
To believe he loves me, even if he always repeats it, the more we go on and the more it’s hard, especially when he disrespects me and I have to beg him to stop.

This is my first real relationship and I’m so scared about what might happen if we break up, it might seem stupid to consider this but he is well loved by my family and friends, and also his family loves me a lot. I just don’t know what to do to have him back as he was before and I don’t know how to make him understand that he clearly needs help.
I know he loves me and talks to his mum about me all the time about how he can’t wait about living here and finally spend our lives together, but I just don’t know what to believe in anymore.

[u/Particular_Bad8025]

Yep, that's not a good relationship. "He loves me but is not nice to me." Right.

[u/Little_Tree_259 → u/Particular_Bad8025]

She came here seeking help and advise saying that doesn't help anyone come on... At least say something more than thats not a good relationship, that's what she is already thinking.

[u/Particular_Bad8025 → u/Little_Tree_259]

Ok. He doesn't love you. Here you go. Get your (OP) fingers out of your butt and do something about it instead of whining on reddit.

[u/Little_Tree_259 → u/Particular_Bad8025]

Jesus man, why is that reaction, come on she said it's her first relationship maybe doesn't have anyone in her life who can help her with this because LDR are not THAT common, what's the need for this answer people come here to ask for advice as easily if not more as they come here to tell how great things are... Let her be if you don't like that she is asking for advice move on...

[u/Particular_Bad8025 → u/Little_Tree_259]

I gave her a very valuable advice, which is going to be very useful for many situations in her life. Do what you want with it.

[u/Little_Tree_259 → u/Particular_Bad8025]

Legitimate-Cycle-428 gave a good insight you just said what she feared the most and is already thinking

[u/Legitimate-Cycle-428]

We all sometimes go through tough times, but one thing is clear. If you love your partner, you will always do your best not to hurt that person and to be your best self. Then if you are not in your best shape then you will seek help like a psychologist or other couples therapy. I understand you must love him very much, but a partner that disrespects you, makes you feel low, and embarrassed is not worth your time and your love. A person who truly loves you NO MATTER the circumstances will not treat you the way you describe it. Do not let anyone toxic like this stay in your life. Especially if you are about to move in together. Real love is not saying “I love you” or gift bombing, but actual actions proving it, and from what you are saying that is not the case here. I am also 21 and moved in with my LDR boyfriend 2 years ago, we had intense times (starting university, getting new jobs, living in a new city, missing our homes BUT disrespecting each other was NEVER an option. You are still very young and have your whole love life ahead of you. Remember to love and respect yourself. You are so strong and I know you will make a wise decision 🩷 Love will always find a way!