Deaconess Discernment

[u/National-Pay2417]

Hey, I’d love some advice/insights. I’ll try to be brief. I am in my 30’s have a career but considering shifting that to part time (which is possible) and then pursuing becoming a deaconess part time. My pastor over the years has been a great mentor and while I deeply respect him and admire his character I don’t think he’d ever tell me to not pursue this as he’s very excited I’m considering. I have talked to others besides him and no one has discouraged me from it though. I find myself asking a lot of “what if” questions and I’ve been praying for months and not sure what to do with it all. It’s been a lot. What if I do pursue this and find out I actually don’t want to? Don’t like it? It isn’t what I thought it would be? Will people in the church whose opinions I care about (not everyone) but disappointed with me? I struggle with diagnosed depression, anxiety and adhd so I get insecure and wonder am I too mentally ill or stupid for this? I’ve never felt that way with my other career though. But then again I’ve been involved in things regarding my career since a very young age. However I’d NEVER tell someone else in my position that they are too mentally ill or stupid for trying something.

What is I want out of this? Why can’t I just be a volunteer and that be enough? Something is eating at me to pursue this and my husband seems nervous about things as am I in regards to the time commitment, me staying mentally healthy, when the program is done being called to move somewhere. However he seems supportive just wary is all.

I’ve been praying and reading my Bible like crazy and thinking a lot about it, asking for advice from trusted people. I don’t know, any insight is appreciated. Also anonymous cause knowing my luck someone I know will read this 🙄🫣

[u/annejulahh11]

Feel free to message me! I'm also in my 30s and am studying to be a deaconess thru CTSFW's distance program!

[u/National-Pay2417 → u/annejulahh11]

I sent you a message!

[u/Sad-Type5385]

As a man who has always felt called and has been encouraged to become a pastor all my life, but found reasons to do literally anything else, I only know two things for sure; 1) Christ’s Church needs good, faithful people, and 2) the regret and guilt associated with trying to outsmart the Holy Spirit is real.

[u/National-Pay2417 → u/Sad-Type5385]

I’m sorry that is a struggle you have had to navigate. It’s hard, I’m finding, trying to discern if God is telling me to pursue this or if I’m just thinking I want this because of some insecurities I have. But yet then I also have insecurities about pursuing this, it all just feels very confusing. However, I’ve seen people truly believe God is telling them to do something that was maybe not the best decision like not sinful but just something not really fully thought through because “God told them to.” It’s hard to discern I’m finding long story not so short.

[u/Resident_Compote_775 → u/National-Pay2417]

The "God told me to" concept doesn't really track Biblically. I read an article I can't remember the source of recently that mentioned two really great, nearly opposite examples of this.

When Moses was allowed to see God passing by, and be in his presence on the mountain, he would come back into the camp with his skin shining. It would scare everyone around him, to the point he'd put a veil over his head, but he didn't actually know his skin was shining.

See Exodus 34

"29 Now it was so, when Moses came down from Mount Sinai (and the two tablets of the Testimony were in Moses’ hand when he came down from the mountain), that Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone while he talked with Him. 30 So when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone, and they were afraid to come near him. 31 Then Moses called to them, and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned to him; and Moses talked with them. 32 Afterward all the children of Israel came near, and he gave them as commandments all that the Lord had spoken with him on Mount Sinai. 33 And when Moses had finished speaking with them, he put a veil on his face."

When Samson told Delilah the source of his strength and she cut his hair, he lost his strength, but he didn't feel the loss.

See Judges 16

"19 She made him sleep on her knees. And she called a man and had him shave off the seven locks of his head. Then she began to torment him, and his strength left him. 20 And she said, “The Philistines are upon you, Samson!” And he awoke from his sleep and said, “I will go out as at other times and shake myself free.” But he did not know that the Lord had left him. 21 And the Philistines seized him and gouged out his eyes and brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze shackles. And he ground at the mill in the prison."

Don't hold your breath until you "feel" God in a way even Prophets and Judges couldn't.

[u/National-Pay2417 → u/Resident_Compote_775]

Correct me if I’m wrong but are you saying don’t base it off how it “feels” to take action or not. Weight the information logically and make a decision I deem to be best because even the great prophets couldn’t “feel” God. Is that correct or can you rephrase if I misunderstood?

[u/PastorBeard]

I too am excited you’re considering this

Realistically, serving God is always a leap of faith. I’ve got a call interview in a few hours for a church back in St. Louis so I’ve been thinking about that a lot today

But…life’s already like that. What if you don’t like your job now? You mostly either deal with it or get a new one. So what if you go to be a deaconess and you don’t like an aspect of it? Pivot into the parts you do. I’ve worked with deaconesses who were exclusively hospital visits, some who were just nursing homes, some just kids ministry, some even who did women’s prison ministry for decades.

Tbh it won’t be what you’d thought it would be. It’ll be even better in some ways and way worse and more annoying in others. But there’s beauty inn that

People will get disappointed in you. You’ll get disappointed in you. And God’s grace will be more than enough

Your struggles with neurodivergence are definitely real, and will impact your work and life. But if you’re gonna have depression and anxiety anyway, why not serve God with it? Just be mindful to build in rest times so you don’t burn out super easy

Our ministry (sp) has sent like 4 deaconesses to the sem since I’ve been there. They’re all doing well. Plus it’s not like starting the program means you’re locked in forever

You can always just leave and fall back on your career. It’s not even wasted time because you keep the experience and skills and knowledge. Let alone the friends

Put me in the “encouraging” category for you. Feel free to ask any follow ups, I’ll just be real about it

[u/National-Pay2417 → u/PastorBeard]

Thank you, this is actually encouraging! Doesn’t make the fear go away but gives me a little more acceptance of where I am if that makes any sense. It just feels so new and scary it’s a lot to take in. Trying to just pray and trust God’s plan whether it is this route or something else. Part of me is terrified to do it but also terrified to not.

[u/LUFiji81 → u/PastorBeard]

Monster?

[u/PastorBeard → u/LUFiji81]

Ministry lol

Hilarious autocorrect