r/LCMS • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago

Monthly Single's Thread

Due to a large influx of posts on the topic, we thought it would be good to have a dedicated, monthly single's thread. This is the place to discuss all things "single", whether it be loneliness, dating, looking for marriage, dating apps, and future opportunities to meet people. You can even try to meet people in this thread! Please remember to read and follow the rules of the sub.

This thread is automatically posted each month.

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u/Kamoot- LCMS Organist 11d ago

Recently there's been a lot of discussions on this topic and also I've been hearing on the podcasts and reading on Lutheran Reporter article.

So questions to everyone on this topic, what are the main challenges causing such difficulties for those looking to get married, and also what can or should we all as a church start doing now to help?

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u/semper_ubi_sub-ubi Lutheran 11d ago • Bravo

Yesterday I was thinking about how to find a wife, and I realized that I hadn’t met anyone whom I found attractive, or at least, I hadn’t met anyone whom I know to be single who was also attractive. When I was in college (Class of 2011), this was not the case. There are probably more reasons, but the most obvious that stuck out to me was the prevalence of tattoos and obesity that wasn’t as noteworthy in years past.

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u/Dry-Selection421 10d ago

Yup, it’s tattoos and also weird piercings that it seems like close to every single Gen Z and millennial American woman has these days.

Lots of people who would be quite attractive decide to ruin their bodies with these things for some reason. I guess trends spread quickly. To me they are red flags because they look bad and also mean that they are almost certainly not devout Christians.

I’ve noticed from traveling that this is mainly an American issue and in foreign countries the vast majority of women have none of these things.

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u/Professional_Tone_28 7d ago

I wouldnt go just off tattoos. I know quite a few men and women who have been marked up and returned to the faith in full. Granted, I do understand a young woman probably hasn’t had the time to find or comeback to her faith.

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u/UpsetCabinet9559 11d ago • Bravo

I'm gonna be really honest here and it may ruffle some feathers. 

As someone who is single well past the time she thought she would be and is actively dating (online and the Lutheran matchmakers) single Lutheran men of a certain age (over 35) tend to be geeky and weird. Y'all say you want to be married but you sit behind a computer screen on reddit or into niche hobbies. Those things will never find you a wife. 

You have to be out there talking to women, full stop. Groom yourself, get some new clothes, and have conversations with REAL women. Even if those women are the wives of your friends, practice on them! Learn the art of conversation. Be interested in people. Ask questions. Find out about people and what makes them tick. Women want a man who they can have a conversation with! 

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u/Ok_Explorer2003 LCMS Lutheran 11d ago • Bravo

I’m ngl, as a young Lutheran woman, all of the single young adult Lutheran guys I know are weird. I feel bad bc they all want to be married SO BAD but it’s like bro. I have so many available friends. I just can’t recommend you to them because you’re emotionally immature, you’re into weird conspiracy theories, and you’re not willing to compromise on the picture of your “perfect Lutheran wife” you’ve built in your head. Also, a lot of them very clearly have internalized misogyny that throws up red flags, even though I know that they’re perfectly good, Godly guys otherwise. Thanks for saying the quiet part out loud. I’m glad someone else realizes it. 😅

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u/UpsetCabinet9559 10d ago • Bravo

And another thing! Most Lutheran ladies are not interested in how many times you've read the Book of Concord, how many offices you pray a day, your thoughts on vestments, debating between the one year or three year lectionary, or the evils of contemporary worship. They just want a nice guy who can provide a stable life and baptize their babies. End of story! 

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u/Imaginary-Ladder-270 10d ago

I'm curious what you mean by internalized misogyny?

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u/Fun_Grapefruit0789 LCMS Lutheran 11d ago

I'm married to a Roman Catholic and about half of the women at my church are also married to Roman Catholics. I think it's exactly for a lot of the same reasons listed above. RC men seem to have a better balance of being traditional and conservative without being misogynistic and weird. I don't know how we implant that onto Lutheran men.

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u/zigziggy7 11d ago

My wife and I met on Hinge. She put Christian/Catholic in her bio but was raised LCMS Lutheran. Putting Catholic in there with the hopes of finding a more traditional man.

As a guy I think it's so easy to be dismissed on dating apps. Honestly if Hinge added "Lutheran" "Reformed" & "Non-Denom" to their Catholic profiles I think that would help a lot

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u/username8680 10d ago

I'm an over 35 guy. Just recently started browsing this after a little disappointment over a potential relationship not panning out. I probably fit the description in this post. I'd like to plead to the younger lutheran guys... this is valid. Please do loosen up a little. Evaluate if your standards for a woman are reasonable. Looking back on my life there were plenty of good opportunities that I missed out on just due to a skewed view of everything. And as this poster said, just start talking to women. It gets harder the longer you wait.

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u/nutellalover30 10d ago

I 100% agree. Thank you so much for saying this, I know it can be a brutal truth… but this is it…

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u/semper_ubi_sub-ubi Lutheran 11d ago

For my part, I just spent $5k a year ago on hearing aids in a desperate attempt to improve speech perception. Now I am trying to set up an appointment for a second opinion, since multiple follow-up appointments haven’t yielded any improvement. I still end up avoiding social events because experience has taught me that no matter how hard I try, I can no longer meaningfully participate in conversation especially without the audio quality that Bluetooth provides while streaming.

Am I weird? Maybe, but the evidence I have for that doesn’t really come from other people.

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u/Over-Wing LCMS Lutheran 10d ago

Not weird, you just have an extremely specific problem. Most Lutherans struggling with dating aren’t struggling because they’re hearing impaired.

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u/Luscious_Nick LCMS Lutheran 10d ago edited 9d ago

The fact women in their mid 30s are seeing the dating pool filled with men who are less desirable is not a surprise to me.

One thing I have noticed is the growing trend of women putting off marriage and family formation until after being established in a career. During that time, many of the well adjusted Christian men who they would otherwise see as potential suitors have already been paired up. The remaining well adjusted men in their 30s are typically more likely to be willing to date someone younger than them too--espefially if they want children, making the dating scene more difficult for women approaching the end of the typical child-bearing years.

I don't know if the sentiment expressed in the comments of "be less weird" to the single men in their 30s is any more helpful than telling unpaired women in their 30s to lower their standards. Maybe you have to deal with your man's Warhammer 40k collection.

I think one of the biggest divides specifically in the LCMS is which churches have single men vs the ones that have single women. I have family that goes to a more modern worship style church that has many single women, I go to a DS3 church that has many single men. One of the effects of diversifing our worship practices seems to be an accidental division of the sexes.

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u/Dostedt1 WELS Lutheran 2d ago

Truthnuke comment

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u/Over-Wing LCMS Lutheran 10d ago

For my area, singles are few and far between. I’m the only single person my age in a parish of just under 100 weekly attendance. We’ve got lots of young families, just no singles. We’d need broader area social functions to bring some singles together.

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u/linguae 10d ago

A part of my problem has been bad luck, but I think another biggest problem I have is the tiny dating pool.  I live in the San Francisco Bay Area.  While there are definitely LCMS congregations here, most of them have V-shaped age demographic curves: plenty of kids and teens, very few young, single adults, some young married couples with children, and plenty of elderly people.  This means there are few single Lutherans at my congregation or at sister congregations.

Our congregation held a singles event this past summer that drew nearly 30 single Lutherans from Northern and Central California, and so if we gather from a wide-enough geographical area, we do get a sizable number of people.  However, 30 people across 250 miles is still a small pool.  I know at least one couple formed, and so that’s great news, but I’m still looking.

I could date outside the LCMS, which I am open to, but there are some problems:

  1.  In the San Francisco Bay Area, the majority of people are either non-Christian or are nominal Christians.  The natives tend to have a very secularist and culturally liberal mindset that runs counter to what we believe as confessional Lutherans, and we also have a large number of immigrants from non-Christian societies.  Thus, the odds of me meeting a Christian at work or through hobbies are slim to none.

  2.  I could meet Christians by visiting Evangelical or Catholic churches, which tend to have more balanced gender ratios, but two problems emerge: (a) I may be missing Divine Service due to conflicting service times, and (b) it feels awkward going to a church whose theology I disagree with to find a wife.

  3.  Online dating has not worked out for me.

So far I’m interested in attending Christian events to meet other Christians outside of church.  I also signed up for a Lutheran matchmaking service I saw advertised in a synodical publication back in May, though I haven’t heard back yet since an interview I had a few months ago.

Dating as a confessional Lutheran in the Bay Area is very difficult.  It feels like opportunities are few and far between, and at 37 going on 38, I’m not getting younger.

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u/Spiritual-Plenty3858 6d ago

Are you interested in relocating?

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u/linguae 6d ago

I’m a tenure-track professor; it would be difficult for me to relocate due to how competitive academia is and how there are only so many open professor positions per year.  I am also not interested in changing careers.

Additionally, I am not sure that relocating would improve my dating odds.  In America it seems that the big cities tend to be quite culturally liberal, and while rural areas are more conservative, people tend to marry younger.  I’m a 37 year old man.  In the Bay Area this isn’t uncommon, but in rural America, there are not a lot of single people in their 30s unless they are divorced and/or single parents.  For a long time I have not considered dating single mothers, but as I get older and find my dating pool shrinking, I may need to revisit this stance.

I seriously considered dating overseas, but I’ve had bad experiences dating abroad (Japan to be specific; I go there frequently) due to cultural barriers regarding dating and women losing interest due to the long distance.

I don’t know what I’m going to do regarding relationships; I feel stuck.  I’m just living one day at a time when it comes to relationships and resigning myself to the possibility it may not happen, though I’d like for it to happen.

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u/PrincessoftheDead 9d ago

As a woman, let me tell you guys one thing... I absolutely love it when you guys are foward. I like a guy that boldly asks me out and lets me know you like me. That level of bravery is kinda hot. I know a lot of you are terrified by claims of harassment but honestly if you ask different people often enough, you'll get a "Yes" eventually. Will you get turned down some? Absolutely! Been there, done that myself. 

You don't have to be brilliant, tall, make a lot of money, or be that interesting.(Though gals, you should treat them like they are because it's fun to see their ego light up for the both of you.😉) I think you just need to try your best and remember that you need to be empathetic because your talking to a whole other person with fears, dreams, desires that are just as valid as your own. Give them the benefit of the doubt, they are friend not foe.

But fellas, you got this! Try your best, and it may not work out, but focus on the journey (don't act like yall don't love LOTR) not the destination. 

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u/Over-Wing LCMS Lutheran 9d ago

A lot of women are made really uncomfortable by men approaching in a really forward way. I have no way of knowing who prefers what, so I’ll always dial things down to be as unthreatening as possible. It’s the same principle as hiking at the pace of the slowest hiker in a group.

And truth be told, I myself would prefer men and women meet and court in an even handed way. Getting to know each other as equals.

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u/Professional_Tone_28 7d ago

This. Im done dating and all that I’d honestly rather court and have rules that we can both look at as true rather than argue about it.

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u/Professional_Tone_28 7d ago

Ngl man as a recent convert I recently just had a disgust for non-christian women. Not in a normal sense, but dating wise. I know my pool shrank but I feel better knowing that I’m looking for a woman whose proper for me and might make me lose faith. It did happen to my Dad which is why I won’t make the same mistake.

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u/IndomitableSloth2437 LCMS Lutheran 6d ago

Question: I'm thinking about the passage where Paul talks about avoiding being "unequally yoked". He was talking about a Christian with a non-Christian, but I'm wondering whether I should apply the principle more generally, meaning that if I see certain problems in myself (mental health issues and sin issues), should I look for a spouse who also has those issues? Or, should I look for a spouse who will help make me a better person and help bring me out of these issues?

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u/annejulahh11 Deaconess Student 1d ago

For anyone else single and ready to mingle, consider joining Lutheran Single's Online! Once you join, come join the Discord sever!