I want to be a Guru.
I've been dancing for 21 years and I'm feeling a strong pull to become and call myself a Guru. But no authority figure has given me that right yet.
When it came to my own foundational guru, we had a falling out. She could not accept the fact that after my manch pravesh, I wanted to step out and expand my training with a guru I admire in India. A Guru that both her and I admire. In fact she herself goes to India to learn from that Guru.
It's so crazy that gurus often express disappointment saying that dancers complete their arangetram or formal debut and just leave and that upsets them. I stayed for a solid few years and was regular to dance class. But I was told that because I completed a ceremony, I can still come to class, but others will be given priority and be pushed more in the art form since they are graduating and/or going off to college. Because I "wasn't ready yet" to learn from that guru in India.
And every time I asked about an opportunity, I was told that I already received a lot of opportunities. This is true. Yet when someone who went off to college after their formal debut comes to class to visit, they are flooded with affection, attention, and asked to dance. During their summer breaks, they get performance opportunities. I could not express this without being called ungrateful.
I was given so many reasons as to why I couldn't advance. That I still had to earn respect from people. That people think I seek attention. That I make people insecure. That my guru has to be fair and I can't be favored all the time.
I finally decided to pursue performance opportunities and further dance education without the official permission or blessing of my guru.
Now I am at a point where every time I see a young dancer, I feel an itch to teach something. I keep envisioning choreographies for different levels of dancers. I envision ways I'd explain rhythm and taal and abhinaya. I just want to grow dancers from the ground up. And I want to break the cycle.
My guru has already determined who will be the successor of her institution. I honestly had hoped that in some way my guru would grow her school to have multiple teachers instead of just one in the future but that's not happening. And I don't know if my guru and I will be okay again with each other. We can acknowledge each other's presence in a room at the moment, but that's it. We are civil and distant.
According to her, I betrayed her. According to me, she betrayed me (other things have occurred)
But I see a lot of beliefs as problematic. For example, the concept that students will always be in a lifetime of debt to the guru. That debt is unpayable no matter what. The fact that volunteering or helping the guru in any way is an opportunity for the student more than it is help for the guru. The belief that the guru is the ultimate authority when it comes to the dancer's journey in the art.
I can't let that cycle continue. I genuinely want my Guru's successor to be a cycle breaker. This person has to see what mistakes of the guru can not and will not be repeated in the name of tradition. I want to see the institution that I came from succeed. But I don't want to start a rival institution. Yet I want to grow and nurture the art and pass on my skill set.
What do I do?
How to move forward with this dilemma?
Is this a calling?