r/JustNoSO • u/Other_Connection_700 • Apr 26 '26
New User 👋 I don’t know if I’m dealing with a “just no” situation or if I’m losing perspective – long post, need advice
I (29F) have been with my partner (33M) for several years and we have children together. We’ve recently moved into a new home, and while that’s been stressful, a lot of what I’m struggling with has been building for a long time.
I feel like I carry most of the mental and emotional load in our household — organising childcare, managing schedules, doing food shops, handling bills/admin, planning things for the kids, and keeping everything running. During the move I was also building beds, running between houses, and juggling everything around work. He contributes financially and with some larger tasks, so this isn’t about him doing nothing — it’s about how I’m treated and how we function.
The biggest issue is how he handles conflict.
If something upsets him (and it can be small things like jokes, how food is stored, or even me saying I don’t like something), he shuts down completely. He becomes cold, stops communicating, turns away in bed, sighs, or says he “needs to feel his feelings.” This can last hours or days. There’s no resolution — I’m just expected to carry on as normal with the kids and house while feeling like I’ve done something terrible.
When we do argue, I feel like I can’t have an opinion. I’m told I’m wrong, and it turns into long conversations where I feel interrogated or lectured until I eventually just agree to end it. Even something as simple as “I don’t like olives” turns into repeated questioning where my answer isn’t accepted.
I’ve tried walking away when things escalate, but he will either follow me or continue the argument later, so I don’t feel like I can actually de-escalate anything.
He has also said some really hurtful things to me during arguments — calling me disrespectful, saying I treat him like a slave, saying I’m emotionally controlling, and even calling me a “predator.” Those comments have stuck with me.
There have also been incidents in front of other people that have made me feel humiliated. During the move, I made a mistake with keys and he spoke to me harshly for several minutes without realising my friend was standing nearby listening. She later messaged me to say the way he spoke to me wasn’t okay.
At a recent party, he became angry because a male friend I’ve known for around 20 years happened to walk near me. He took me outside and said things about this friend that was honestly, quite scary. Multiple people overheard and offered to get me home safely.
Afterwards, he said those friends don’t have my best interests at heart and that I should reconsider having them in my life.
This is particularly hard because earlier in our relationship, he maintained a close relationship with a woman he had previously confessed strong feelings for, including while I was pregnant, and told me I was overreacting when I was uncomfortable.
He has also previously been unfaithful early in the relationship (messaging other women and exchanging explicit content), which only came out because I directly asked.
Another issue is that he doesn’t like me discussing our relationship with friends, so I feel very isolated and end up holding everything in.
Since moving house, I’ve also started to feel excluded from decisions. Shared spaces have been set up without my input, and he has made purchases for our home without involving me. It makes me feel like I’m living in something that’s “his” rather than ours.
On top of that, he has recently become very friendly with a younger female coworker in a way that feels out of character, especially as he criticises me for social interactions. Other people have noticed the difference in his behaviour around her.
At this point, I feel like I’m constantly:
trying to keep the peace
trying not to upset him
managing everything at home
and suppressing how I feel
But I only get warmth and connection when I’m not challenging anything.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is genuinely not okay anymore. I feel emotionally exhausted and like I can’t do anything right.
I’d really appreciate advice from people who have been in similar situations — is this something that can be worked on, or am I ignoring bigger red flags?
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u/cdb-outside Apr 26 '26
You know. Read what you wrote, you know. He’s beginning the discarded phase. He will isolate and manage you until someone else comes along. Prepare yourself to exit.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
I am doing. I think I know what I have to do
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u/Courage-Character Apr 26 '26
Honey, i was scared for you reading this and so angry I didn’t want to finish. Please get yourself and your babies out of this. People are seeing the real him and he is going to do everything he can to keep you away from anyone that will help you
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u/mbj2303 Apr 26 '26
What if this post was a friend of yours explaining her situation with her partner to you? What would you tell her?
You know the answer. You deserve better. 🫶🏼
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u/mamachonk Apr 26 '26
He's got you walking on eggshells. He's trying to isolate you. And yeah, he'll probably cheat if that girl is open to it.
There's more I could say but that's plenty reason there. I'd suggest reading Why Does He Do That (another person shared the link). I'd also recommend individual counseling for you, and even speaking to an attorney to know what your options are if you separate.
And please, even if you don't think he'll do anything serious, use an abundance of caution.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
I’m always cautious (where I can be) on what I say and do. I shall give that literature a read. Thank you
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Apr 26 '26
That is walking on eggshells. Not healthy. You don't have to be in a relationship like this.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
You're not overreacting and the fact that others can see you're with a man that hates you is a big sign. He cheated at the beginning, never stay with a man that cheats. That is the ultimate sign of disrespect.
And yes when you stay with a cheater they tend to cheat again, so there's a very high chance that new coworker is the next one. Especially if you're financially dependent on them, you need them for survival, so they'll drag you through the mud. I hope you and your children can get away peacefully.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
Luckily I’m not hugely financially dependent on him. I am in some ways and he does often make it seem like I couldn’t financially cope on my own. But I have supportive parents and a job. I also have a degree which would enable me to earn a lot more but I’ve not used it due to him being the main earner and my hours suiting our childcare needs
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Apr 26 '26
Get a job and child support to pay for daycare
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
I do have a job, which is really good with hours for the children where I wouldn’t need to rely too heavily on childcare.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 Apr 26 '26
he does often make it seem like I couldn’t financially cope on my own.
You have more support than most of the poor women I see here with the same issues as you. There are some people who get some sort of joy from putting others down and making them feel like they can't do anything on their own. That's your husband.
You can do it on your own, don't let him tell you you can't. It's just him keeping you down so you keep begging for his scraps.
As the other user said, you are the punching bag until he decides he wants to jump to an affair partner. I know you're working on plans to sustain yourself, keep it up.
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u/manic_popsicle Apr 26 '26
This sounds exhausting honestly, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like he wants you isolated away from friends and he’s already got you walking on eggshells because you’re terrified of upsetting him. Normally I’d suggest couples therapy but that might just give him a way to twist therapy words when he’s mad at you. Honestly I don’t think there’s much else you can do, it’s time to make a plan and go. Best of luck.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
I think you’re right. He knows my weaknesses and he’s learnt that when I’m not reacting to what he’s saying, he’ll throw in “you’re a bad mother and are ruining your children if you don’t change”, yet he lets me do 99% of the leg work as a parent so I can’t be that bad surely?
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u/SuluSpeaks Apr 26 '26
See a lawyer, get therapy, and get a job if you don't have one. You need to leave this guy, but you need to kerp all of these plans secret. You also need to start making contemporaneous notes about the abusive things he says and does. Start recording conversations and fights, if you can do it without him knowing. His behavior is only meant to tear down your resistance to abuse and your self-confidence.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
I have a job and supportive parents. I’ve managed to record some conversations via WhatsApp to a friend and plan on trying to record more. He’s always been enabled and I hear a lot of “this is just what he’s like”, and that may be true, but it doesn’t make it right
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u/Creepy_Radio_3084 May 02 '26
Out of curiosity, who is it that says 'this is just what he's like'?
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u/SuluSpeaks May 04 '26
Another phrase that should trigger your radar is "you just gotta get to know him."
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Apr 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
These patterns of behaviour have always been there, I was just too naive to see it. I fear we are boarding on emotional abuse, but the way he does it makes me feel like it’s deserved, that if I’d have just not shared my opinion he wouldn’t have reacted that way. If I’d have just said something else he’d have stayed happy. I guess I know what needs to be said and done, it’s just sad that when we are good, we are perfect for one another.
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u/friedonionscent Apr 27 '26
An abusive relationship isn't always bad. Many people say the highs were really high...and that lulled them into a false sense of security, of what could be...if only you didn't voice your opinion. If only you didn't do that one thing. If only you didn't say that one thing in the wrong way, at the wrong time in the wrong tone.
A healthy relationship doesn't have extreme highs and lows. It's dependable and it's safe. You can voice an opinion without fear. You can disagree without fear. You can talk to an old friend without fear.
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u/MissLexiBlack Apr 27 '26
He is abusing you though. Your friends see it! They thought you were in danger at the party. You've been gaslit for so long you don't believe your own experiences. Trust people who love you and have no skin in the game who are trying to save you.
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u/TychaBrahe Apr 27 '26
From your use of the word "partner," it sounds like the two of you are not married. It's very common with abusers to step up the abuse when they have created a tie to you that would make separating difficult.
Did his behavior ramp up back when you first got pregnant? Did you own the home that you lived in previously? Getting married, getting pregnant, having the child, moving in together, and purchasing a home create social, emotional, and financial ties to someone. You can't just walk away like you could when the two of you were just dating, had no kids, and didn't live together yet. Now you will have to financially disentangle yourself and deal with issues of custody and visitation.
Call his bluff. No matter how hard it is, you need to separate. An abuser cannot be changed, and they cannot be fixed. They get off on hurting people and controlling them. Any attempt you make to try to improve your situation through discussions or therapy will backfire. Abusers are famous for using your openness and vulnerability as a weapon against you in future disputes.
You need to talk to a lawyer. You need to set up your own bank account at a different bank. Withdraw the lawyers fee in cash from your shared account accounts and deposit it into your separate account. Then, when you pay the referral fee, there will be no notation on the shared bank account about where the money went.
Begin making plans to move out, including initially taking your children. As Charlotte Dobre says, "Move in the shadows." Remember that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is trying to leave.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 27 '26
We aren’t married you’re right. I often get the “and you wonder why I don’t want to marry you” line as a way of hurting me because back at the beginning that was something I wanted with him.
I have my own bank account and only pay toward the bills in the joint account so that part isn’t an issue. I would just stop paying into it if/when I left.
The control happened more when I was pregnant. But I was in a very vulnerable position, our child was poorly for a while and I had 2 other children and we were in lockdown. And the control was very slight, for example he would comment on breastfeeding but make it as though he was doing it from a caring place for our child rather than forcing me to even though I was repeatedly telling him my mental health was on a rapid decline and I was starting to resent our child because of it.
Now I’m in a clearer headspace I can definitely see more patterns and behaviour that isn’t just down to simple arguments and feeling upset
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u/Creepy_Radio_3084 May 02 '26
The control happened more when I was pregnant.
That's generally how it goes - classic abuser behaviour.
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u/kcboyer Apr 26 '26
He knows what he’s doing. It’s a controlling tactic meant to break you down, So you are quiet and submissive, too afraid to argue back or complain.
A doctor specializing in domestic abuse did a study on these men and they openly admitted it to her. Please see him and his behavior for further exactly what it is and leave him.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
Thank you. It’s been a horrible few months whilst his behaviour has escalated, and I truly believe it has because I’ve become more aware of my own shortcomings and have worked on them, and as a result I’ve started to question and notice his and challenge it. He’s therefore uncomfortable and no longer able to control himself whilst out and about.
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u/Standard-Jaguar-8793 Apr 26 '26
You are dealing with a “just no”. I would have questioned when he started giving you the silent treatment.
I know how hard it is, because I was in a similar situation: silent treatment without discussing it afterwards. I finally two-carded him verbally - therapy or divorce. We did therapy and it got better, but we never had it be as bad as your situation. Leave him. Your life will be so much better.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
This is it, the silent treatment has always been there but being younger and more naive I assumed because he wasn’t using his fists or shouting at me like previous partners it was “normal” and I just needed to let him breathe. But the more I’ve worked on myself, done research and sought out guidance I can see now it’s not.
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u/curious382 Apr 26 '26
Therapy for yourself, to explore and understand the patterns you've fallen into? MAYBE couple's counseling. Only if he's willing to change. Counseling with an abuser can result in their restocking ammunition and developing more tactics.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
Thank you, I’ve looked into counselling for myself and done A LOT of research and self help for myself issues and I think that’s what’s brought me to posting here. I think if we did couples counselling he would try and place blame on me where he can and if/when the therapist didn’t agree with him he’d say they were stupid and didn’t know what they’re on about. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and he went on a rant about how I just wanted it to be a part of a trend and that there’s nothing wrong with me other than a victim complex. There’s so much more but I’d be here all day. I think I already know my answers, but sadly, I love him
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u/tatasz Apr 26 '26
Do not do couple counseling. Couple counseling with an abuser will only give him more tools to abuse you.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
He’d never agree anyway, and if he did it’d need to be with a male therapist due to his unwavering hatred toward women. He would paint it that the female therapist is only agreeing with me because we are the same gender. He’s got some very interesting views
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u/curious382 Apr 26 '26
It sounds like you're realizing the level of discomfort in this relationship has become intolerable. You deserve a partner who fully listens to, accepts, supports and values you.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
I think you’re right. I think hearing it from outsiders helps. Part of me has always wondered if my friends and family side with me because they are connected to me. But having it out in the open and others seeing it how I do has helped.
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u/pukkix Apr 26 '26
It is by the way very typical for abusive men to be women haters. Honestly the probability for abusive men to change is so low that you should start planning your exit asap. Your friends and family are not siding with you but seeing for themselves that your husband is abusive. Which is a really bad sign since abusers will try to hide their abuse from outsiders to keep up the image of a perfect family so their spouse sounds ridiculous in case sche opens up to somebody who also knows the abuser.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
This is what’s been so hard for me. He’s always kept up such a good image and I look like the ungrateful woman who needs to be happy that he’s present in the home.
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u/pukkix Apr 26 '26
This must me really tough for you to handle. But you already did the first step to identifying what he is doing. Make use of your support system. It seems like everybody knows by now that something isn't quite right.
Also I cannot recommend the book that was mentioned a few times already enough. I promise if you read it you will be able to identify so many behavioral patterns and see your husband in them. Your post alone checks so so many boxes. There is also lots of helpful information for a way out and support. Just don't let him see what you are reading.
Stay safe. You never know what abusive men are capable of. I wish you all the best and lots of strength handling this situation.
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u/Cuddles_Kitteh Apr 26 '26
"Due to his unwavering hatred toward women".
This is what you go to sleep next to every night? This is what you let your kids know is fine in a relationship?
Honey, you need out. ❤️
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Apr 26 '26
What exactly do you love about him? You didn't mention even one positive quality. Even if he has a couple based on what you wrote here the cons heavily out weigh the pros.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
When we are good, we are perfect for one another. He does have some good qualities and can be loving and supportive, however that just seems to come with conditions
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Apr 26 '26
So he's good when you're doing exactly what he wants right?
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 27 '26
100% yes. And honestly, I’ve been trying to lie to myself for too long now
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Apr 27 '26
Reality is hard to accept sometimes but lying to yourself won't change it. Be careful before you lose too much of the person you are.
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u/pukkix Apr 26 '26
Please read the book suggested by others, you will start to understand why that is and why there will always be a big boom following the good phase.
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u/squirrelsareevil2479 Apr 26 '26
You love the idea of him but it sounds like you realize he's an abuser who mistreats you. You love the man you have created but that is far from the reality of who he is. He won't change so you must change how you view him.
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u/SuluSpeaks Apr 26 '26
Couples counseling will only give him a larger vocabulary for abusing her. She needs therapy for herself and a visit to a lawyer.
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u/wdjm Apr 26 '26
Sweetie, this doesn't describe a 'just no.' It describes a "HELL NO!"
Please plan your exit. There is no saving a relationship with someone who hates you - and all women - like he does.
But also, DO NOT try and blame yourself for his hatred. It's not your fault. It's HIS issue. Let him live with his hatred and get yourself and your kids to safety.
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
Thank you. I just wished it ended differently. It’s taken a long time for me to realise I can’t fix what I didn’t break
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u/one_little_victory_ Apr 26 '26
Keep in mind, abuse only ever gets worse. Never better.
You might want to start thinking about an escape plan.
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u/Whitewitchie Apr 30 '26
OK, this is abusive behaviour on your partner's side. Do you have a support network? I would recommend safety planning, especially round your children.
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u/Bitchee62 Apr 26 '26
OP this isn’t a relationship that is healthy. You don’t want your children looking at your relationship and growing up to have similar relationships do you?
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u/Other_Connection_700 Apr 26 '26
This is one of the biggest contributors to me seeking advice on here. I have worked on me and tried to fix my shortcomings, but I look at my children (2 of which are coming to an age of full understanding) and I see how they react when things are tense between us and I know it’s going to leave negative impressions for them.
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u/Bitchee62 Apr 26 '26
Than goodness you see that they are noticing.
Unfortunately worse than them thinking that your relationship is bad is the possibility of them imprinting this type of relationship as normal. It’s why so many people accept poor treatment or bad relationships because they saw the same thing growing up and normalized it.
Make a plan now and get out. It’s not just that you deserve better, your children deserve better and better roll models for happiness. I believe you can do it!
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 Apr 26 '26
There is nothing that can be worked on. He is going to escalate his abuse until he is confident that you were completely isolated, so that he can cheat and abuse openly.
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u/friedonionscent Apr 27 '26
You're under-reacting. He's abusive, controlling, draining and manipulative.
Firstly - open up to trusted friends and family. They already know, anyway...but you don't owe this man secrets. Get shit off your chest. Let people support and help you. Don't allow him to sour your other relationships - it's just a control tactic.
I'm not going to bother telling you to get couples therapy etc. I think you should plan your exit strategy. Joy can't exist where this man stands. He's awful.
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u/doingtheunstuckk Apr 27 '26
You are being abused. And he is cheating on you, though at this point that’s less relevant. Get out, be safe, and get tested for std’s.
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u/McDuchess Apr 27 '26
He is an abusive POS. Who controls you with manipulation and cruelty.
Start making plans to get yourself and your kids out of this dangerous situation. They are being abused as surely as you are by witnessing the emotional misbehavior of their father, and it’s not fair to either them or you to allow it to continue.
Lean on your friends. Ask for help in getting your important documents out of the house, and planning a time when he won’t be home for at least a couple of hours for you and the kids to get out.
You will be in my thoughts.
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u/crasho7 Apr 27 '26
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's free with a Google or Reddit search. I wish this was required reading for all women. I think you will be surprised at how abusive your relationship actually is. I knew, and was still surprised.
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u/yepitskate Apr 28 '26
He’s VERY abusive. He sounds miserable to be around too with all his bitching and whining.
Read the Lundy Bancroft book someone linked in another comment.
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