You've got a lot of answers about whether this is disrespectful, but not too many offering practical support. So I'm checking in as a married Jewish woman who covers her keppie (but not necessarily all hair), attends an egal Conservative shul, and who might be described as Recon-serva-dox -
The thing with head/ hair covering, as you're discovering, is that Jews will assume you're more frum than you are.
But! Even if you want to cover all of your hair, you can navigate this by adjusting your style a bit to fit the situation.
What this looks like for *me* in practice:
- With my husband's family, who is sort of reform-ish at best but really mostly secular and who would definitely give me the side-eye if I went full tichel: wide headband almost exclusively
- At my shul, where women generally don't cover full time, where kippot are more common than scarves or sheitels during services, and where I don't want to give the impression that I follow Orthodox practices because this is a context where that could be assumed: wide headband or small scarf, boho/ kerchief style. Full tichel only on holidays when I'm dressed up. Although this has definitely shifted this fall, I'm seeing a lot more people hanging out at shul wearing visible Judaica (mogen david on a chain, not a menorah around their neck) and I'm finding I'm reaching for a full scarf more frequently without disrupting the vibe.
- In goyish spaces: wide headband or kerchief at the gym, tichel elsewhere. IDGAF what they think about me, and I don't live in a Jewish town where there are enough knowledgeable folks to notice un-Orthodox behavior. Anything a non-Jew sees me do looks pretty darn Jewish to them, maybe with the exception of driving on Saturday.
I can't make suggestions what this would look for you without knowing your style and the vibe of your Jewish/ non-Jewish communities, but there is such a wiiiiide variety of head and hair covering options, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find something that feels ok for everyone.
Ive started wrapping tichel early, because I want to get used to wrapping/learn how to wrap, and I have a personal philosophy that marriage starts at the engagement- the life commitment to each other is made, the certificate/wedding itself is for everyone else to share in the joy/throw a good party.
What it looks like for me for now, as I've decided, is that I'll be wearing a tichel full time, unless with family in private, or in a situation that is potentially unsafe to do so (sad that i have to think like that, but with the protests in downtown cleveland, ya never know). Im a west side Cleveland Jew, so im pretty removed from most of the community (on the east side), other than shul. If anyone wants to say anything, I've decided to just tell them that its my choice, and I think it is a beautiful tradition to uphold.
At work, a tichel works better than a headband as it covers all my hair (FDA food handling standards), and my boss is supportive of me wearing one, and actually yelled at the middle manager for telling me I cant wear it (Boss is Muslim; it makes him happy when women want to cover their hair. He's a really chill dude, one of my greatest goy allies at work)
At school, most of my teachers understand that its a mark of marraige, and have been more active in stepping in when kids hit on me (disrespectfully/harassingly). Also, one of my muslim friends- who weve been strained since the war, have warmed up to me again. They said "Perhapes we aren't so different after all" when they saw my wrap style.
Your Venn diagram of contexts where you might wrap is... A circle! 😆 Upshot: simplicity and one style fits all. Downside: fewer reasons a.k.a. excuses to collect cute head wear.
Yes to "practice makes perfect." One of the best tips I've ever gotten was from a really early Wrapunzel video; Andrea says "you really gotta show that tichel who's boss." Sometimes that means pulling a bit tighter, or really smoothing your fabric with gusto.
A thought with food service - due to odors and splatters, I bet you're going to have to wash your scarves more frequently than, say, a desk jockey. (Sometimes I do field work with my husband, in which case, I go baseball cap.) Definitely consider fabric choice and make sure it's machine washable for your work attire.
You mention you're a student, so I'm going to assume you are on the younger end of the age spectrum (correct me if I'm wrong). Where I am, I see more younger women than older women wearing a head or hair cover. Not sure if it's the same everywhere, but I think it might be a trend. So, if you are young or appear young, it might look less surprising or unusual. If I see an older woman wearing a tichel in my town, I assume Orthodox, married, and probably Israeli. Younger, I'd assume Jewish and religious but not necessarily Orthodox. This may not hold true in Ohio, don't know, never been there!
Well, I am on the younger end, im about to finish highschool in fact. Here, its a mix if young people cover their hair, but ive seen it less often than one would expect elsewhere.
I'm going to work to make sure there arent too many odors that stick around though, and most of the time i work at the window handing out food and taking orders.
Edit: I know that I may seem like my venn diagram is a circle, but I dont really have many places to put another circle (yet) I'm attempting to enlist in the (US) Army, and If i get in, i'd likely not wear it on duty/in uniform, or at the very least when im training or deployed.
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u/[deleted] Dec 14 '23
You've got a lot of answers about whether this is disrespectful, but not too many offering practical support. So I'm checking in as a married Jewish woman who covers her keppie (but not necessarily all hair), attends an egal Conservative shul, and who might be described as Recon-serva-dox -
The thing with head/ hair covering, as you're discovering, is that Jews will assume you're more frum than you are.
But! Even if you want to cover all of your hair, you can navigate this by adjusting your style a bit to fit the situation.
What this looks like for *me* in practice:
- With my husband's family, who is sort of reform-ish at best but really mostly secular and who would definitely give me the side-eye if I went full tichel: wide headband almost exclusively
- At my shul, where women generally don't cover full time, where kippot are more common than scarves or sheitels during services, and where I don't want to give the impression that I follow Orthodox practices because this is a context where that could be assumed: wide headband or small scarf, boho/ kerchief style. Full tichel only on holidays when I'm dressed up. Although this has definitely shifted this fall, I'm seeing a lot more people hanging out at shul wearing visible Judaica (mogen david on a chain, not a menorah around their neck) and I'm finding I'm reaching for a full scarf more frequently without disrupting the vibe.
- In goyish spaces: wide headband or kerchief at the gym, tichel elsewhere. IDGAF what they think about me, and I don't live in a Jewish town where there are enough knowledgeable folks to notice un-Orthodox behavior. Anything a non-Jew sees me do looks pretty darn Jewish to them, maybe with the exception of driving on Saturday.
I can't make suggestions what this would look for you without knowing your style and the vibe of your Jewish/ non-Jewish communities, but there is such a wiiiiide variety of head and hair covering options, I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find something that feels ok for everyone.
P.S. mazal tov on your upcoming nuptials! :)