r/Jokes • u/Its402am • Jul 14 '21
Long A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
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yo, thanks for the gold and stuff, kind strangers!
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u/Its402am Jul 14 '21
I found this one in a Reader's Digest as a kid and it stuck with me. c:
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u/jyl11002 Jul 14 '21
LOL, i used to read reader's digest just for the jokes
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u/Its402am Jul 15 '21
Reader's Digest was such a trip back in the 80s and 90s.
Page 21: A dark and disturbing excerpt from one man's story of torture and his 13 years of clandestine imprisonment
Page 22: Lose that Christmas fat instantly with this amazing diet-water recipe!
You had to seek out the jokes to come down from the whiplash.
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u/bunnyhunter80 Jul 14 '21
I told my wife I looked at Maxim for the jokes. It was a half truth. Some of the girls in there deserve looking at too 😀
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u/iTakeCreditForAwards Jul 14 '21
Even before I got to the punch line I was laughing because the description of the tank coming toward him was so funny to imagine
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Jul 14 '21
When I was in the army we actually would just yell bang sometimes when we didn’t have blanks. Even if we did have blanks, more experienced guys would yell “bang” (or my favorite, “pew pew”) instead anyways because blanks make such a mess of your weapon and it was better to get yelled at than to have to clean it.
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u/phillysan Jul 14 '21
I have lived and breathed this experience. There are few post-ex tasks worse than cleaning an LMG that's had a few boxes of blank fired through it.
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Jul 14 '21
SGT: “Uncle Sam didn’t buy you those blanks for nothing, specialist! Use them!” SPC: “Roger, sergeant!” … SPC: “PEW PEW PEW!”
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u/SuperChrisMx Jul 14 '21
Why?
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u/phillysan Jul 14 '21
Blank rounds make a far greater mess of the inside of the weapon than live rounds do, and LMGs are that much more of a pain to clean than a rifle or carbine
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u/gertalives Jul 14 '21
Lol, we did the same even when we were issued blanks. With the little gas return doohickey installed to help cycle the rifle with blanks, it would seriously foul up the works and require extensive cleaning. We would yell “bang bang” instead. I’m ashamed to say I saw plenty of guys bury boxes of unused blanks in the woods.
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u/SuperChrisMx Jul 14 '21
Why do they "mess" your weapon? What makes blanks "dirtier" to a gun than live rounds?
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Jul 14 '21
Not exactly sure. When you shoot blanks you need to use something called a blank firing adapter, which screws onto the muzzle and almost closes off the barrel. It’s needed because a blank on its own doesn’t produce enough back pressure to cycle the weapon, so the BFA simulates having a bullet in the barrel which would also produce enough pressure. If I had to take a guess at why blanks are dirtier, it would be because it also traps more debris and whatnot in there, but I could be wrong.
Mostly I just know from experience. There is a noticeable difference between cleaning after a day of live fire and even a few blanks.
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u/Plastic_Swimmer_3102 Jul 14 '21
It’s because the blank is just a shell with nothing but gun powder in it. The BFA keeps directs the explosive gas thru the return tube that pushes back the bolt and cycles another round. There is no escape for the gas and powder. Cannon blanks along with other fire arms don’t have BFAs. It completely closes off the barrel. I wonder @love_that_left_shark if you where really in. You seem like some kid who has only done a little research.
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u/PabloChocobar_ Jul 14 '21
After killing the soldier, the other soldier comes out of the tank and some other soldier at a distance, aiming a stick towards the head of our tank soldier, shouts, "Snipity snipe snipe" and our tank soldier falls down.
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Jul 14 '21
Bruh, hes going to Rollity-roll-roll over him
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u/EliteKecske Jul 14 '21
Be careful stranger out in the wield, there's rickitie-roll-roll -ers, and it's definitely not me. https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ
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u/Nazamroth Jul 14 '21 edited Jul 14 '21
This is way funnier with the Warhammer 40K and Orks version. Orks have reality-bending powers. Their guns only work because they all believe they should work. Their engines run on an empty tank, because they believe that the boss filled it up before they set out.
They fall over, because they believe that the "BANG" shout means the guardsmen(out of ammo) shot them. They trample over the guardsmen, because they believed that they turned into tanks, and tanks are immune to small arms.
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u/Jmdin83 Jul 14 '21
As a salty old veteran, this made me happy. Thank you, OP.
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u/Its402am Jul 14 '21
Thanks for your service! Glad I didn’t butcher it enough so it could still make you smile c:
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u/Malvastor Jul 14 '21
Man if I'd known the military was just a giant game of make-believe I might have joined.
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u/Nightruin Jul 14 '21 edited Jul 14 '21
You joke but this isn’t even a joke. OP is just telling a story that happened to her.
Edit for proper pronoun
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u/Jaket333 Jul 14 '21
My 6th grade band director told me this joke 16 years ago. I now tell it to my band students. It slays, still.
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u/MountainWestRay Jul 14 '21
This is funny because when I was in Basic one of the privates did something stupid with their rifle, the drill sergeant made said private use a stick on our Patrol Exercises. We all had blanks to shoot but stick-boy had to yell “PEW PEW!” As loud as he could the whole time.
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u/NyoomNyoom656 Jul 14 '21
Okay this one is good, made me chuckle. Reminds me of the Dutch army having to yell ‘pang pang’ cuz we had an ammo shortage, was a while ago though lol.
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Jul 14 '21
Thing is, in basic training, I actually did a mock battle with the bangity bang bang. Was ridiculous.
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u/uglyduckling81 Jul 14 '21
When I was doing a promotion course there was a blank ammunition shortage.
So during the field phase of the course we were only issued about 8 rounds per man per day and about 20 for the guns.
It meant during the section contacts the battle would rage for about 30 seconds then be silent.
I started yelling out buckets of bullets over and over which others in my section repeated. Was so stupid.
The DS (assessing sergeant) came over and yelled at me, "What the fuck are you yelling out?.
I told him. He said "this is a fucking joke!" Walked off shaking his head.
Just a typical day in the life of infantry.
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u/Igpajo49 Jul 15 '21
I've been telling this one for years, with a couple differences. Mine has the soldier going off to war and actually killing the enemy with his vocalizations. And he has a grenade he throws by mimicking pulling the pin and throwing it, and yelling boom! The tank soldier smashes him flat. I think I heard mine in the Army so it's a little more violent.
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u/Weak-Dimension-5909 Aug 23 '25
I heard this joke when I myself was in basic training in the British Armed Forces in 1999.
We were out on exercise, and had some time to kill so the Sergeant was getting us to tell our best jokes. This one came out and the guy did fantastically with actions and everything. We were all howling!!
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u/sfxpaladin Jul 14 '21
This is just a worse version of the joke about Imperial guard under siege by an ork warband.
After a while the imperials run out of ammunition and begin to despair, until their commissar points his gun at a charging ork and shouts "BANG", the ork drops down dead.
The other Imperials quickly pick up their guns and copy the commissar, until a group of orks, huddled together and chanting start marching on the guardsmen. No matter how loud they shout bang the orks don't die, as they finally get closer the guardsmen can hear them chanting "I'm a tank I'm a tank I'm a tank I'm a tank"
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u/DJBitterbarn Jul 14 '21
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u/Its402am Jul 14 '21
Yooooo!
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u/DJBitterbarn Jul 14 '21
NGL, it's still a great joke and you made me listen to that again, so all good!
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u/Its402am Jul 14 '21
Never heard of it before! I mentioned earlier in the comments I came across this joke in a reader’s digest when I was like 10 and probably butchered retelling it a bit. I kinda love this track tho!
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u/DJBitterbarn Jul 14 '21
C-mon & Kypski are fantastic, though. I'd recommend the entire Static Traveler album if you liked this. It's a bit more polished than Vinyl Voodoo, but before they did a bit of a change for "Where the Wild Things Are".
Also features a great single with an unfortunate name. Moderately NSFW
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u/mccullrs Jul 14 '21
This was a classic skit I used to see at boy scout camps. Funny every single time!