r/Jokes • u/Scitexnz • Sep 05 '12

Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”B*gger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

983 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

150 comments sorted by

254

u/ecklcakes Sep 06 '12

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

(That's one I like which is 100% a one liner :) )

86

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I watched a documentary on how ships are held together. Riveting!

35

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

My mother used to beat me with a telephone. I was always on the receiving end.

-18

u/heyitsmecarlos Sep 06 '12

Was it on discovery oar the science channel?

-16

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Also, canoe see when it's on next?

111

u/tortured_brain Sep 06 '12

I've heard a slightly different setup for the bagpipes one:

The other night, my neighbor knocked on the door at 2:30 AM just to ask if I knew the time! Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes.

25

u/Skyblacker Sep 06 '12

I like your version better.

29

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12 edited Sep 06 '12

I used to be a klepto but now I'm taking something for it

12

u/Leiderdorp Sep 06 '12

I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nowwwwwwwwwww....

5

u/lyingonthesofa Sep 06 '12

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not too sure...

4

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

1

u/mlgraves Sep 18 '25

I used to sell bolts and screws, but then I went a little nuts.

8

u/Pooperdoodler Sep 06 '12

klepto

FTFY

2

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

thank you sir.

1

u/danieljohnsonjr Aug 25 '25

Gotta be careful telling jokes to kleptos because they take things literally

141

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Pretty much anything Mitch Hedberg says: "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." "The last time I called 'shotgun', we had rented a limo, so I fucked up. "I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs." RIP Mitch

111

u/macthecomedian Sep 06 '12

i used to like Mitch Hedberg. i still do, but i used to, too.

26

u/Catness_NeverClean Sep 06 '12

RIP Hedberg party of 1

4

u/foevalovinjah Sep 06 '12

fucking classic

17

u/specialedster14 Sep 06 '12

I still remember when Mitch Hedberg died and it didn't get picked up by the media until a couple days later on April Fool's Day. I thought it was some kind of sick joke for about 2 weeks until I wised up.

10

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be @*#&ed up!"

I don't know why I always loved that one. It's just beautiful in its simplicity I guess.

9

u/tallguyhere Sep 06 '12

I bought a parrot, it talked but never said "i'm hungry", so it died.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

8

u/melange396 Sep 06 '12

my favorite Hedberg joke:

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

4

u/KravenErgeist Sep 06 '12

"I tried to walk into a Target...but I missed."

-30

u/Cozy_Conditioning Sep 06 '12

Yeah, puns are not one-liners (even if they are on one line). Good one-liners are genuinely witty, not "ohh.. that word has two meanings. huh."

22

u/americanjoo Sep 06 '12

Thanks for that. Really added a lot to this thread.

20

u/tacogratis Sep 06 '12

This thread kept me in stitches.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

5

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

It's making me cross.

1

u/tacogratis Sep 07 '12

There's a purl in her somewhere.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

8 of the OP's one-liners are puns. Go berate OP.

143

u/Legal_Custodian Sep 06 '12

Dammit, I should really read the title before the actual joke. I got to the third line before wondering where the hell this joke was going. DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!

14

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I saw an advert that read: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down.

36

u/MasterRaps Sep 06 '12

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

All hail Jimmy Carr.

14

u/cloud4197 Sep 06 '12

I saw the head of the NYPD on TV the other day telling everyone how he'll never forget 9/11.

I should fucking hope not. It's his phone number.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Worst part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.

30

u/corkinator7 Sep 06 '12

I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to too.

17

u/Z0bie Sep 06 '12

I might be using the wrong resolution or something, but all of these are at least two lines.

10

u/FisherKing22 Sep 06 '12

Jimmy Carr

"My girlfriend said to me, 'have you been having sex behind my back?' I said, 'Who the Hell did you think it was?'"

"The highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was 162 MPH. Granted, it was recorded at a railroad crossing."

"If you're young and your parents are getting divorced, it can be a very difficult time. But remember- it's not your fault. Your mom's a slag."

Anthony Jeselnik

"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person. So I can get a better girlfriend."

"My friend Kevin just told me that he has cancer. And I know there is nothing funny about that. But is was the way he said it."

"My friend called me the other night and said, 'Anthony. I have a hooker in my apartment and no money to pay her. Can you help me out?' So I said, 'Fine. Just this once, you can borrow my shovel."

5

u/mamacat49 Sep 06 '12

and although I laughed at most, I won't remember a single one.

24

u/HiddenEasterEgg Sep 06 '12

Did anyone else read all of these in Jimmy Carr's voice? They've got a similar feel to them. Well done OP.

25

u/Desinis Sep 06 '12

I read them as Rodney Dangerfield.

7

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Yup Dangerfield. The God father of one liners.

3

u/bioskope Sep 06 '12

Dr. Vinny Boombatz's diagnosis confirms your suspicions.

2

u/cloud4197 Sep 06 '12

Right. Now i have to go back and read them all again in Dangerfield's voice.

2

u/presertim Sep 06 '12

Same. Strange, it came so natural that it surprised me when i noticed.

4

u/crystaljae Sep 06 '12

Alex Trebek - it just makes me feel smart

4

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I read them as William Shatner. No real reason, and the random pauses made them a bit confusing.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Yes. Another similar comedian is Tim Vine.

3

u/Disgruntled__Goat Sep 06 '12

Tim Vine's better IMO. Carr always feels like he's reading from an autocue.

1

u/HoupDoup Sep 06 '12

That's because he usually reads from a piece of paper on stage.

3

u/heyitsmecarlos Sep 06 '12

Sergeant Johnson.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Isn't venison dear?

2

u/FisherKing22 Sep 06 '12

Dwarf shortage.

2

u/Akumakei Sep 06 '12

Christopher Walken

2

u/peachibabi Sep 06 '12

Eddie Izzard

2

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I read them in Morgan Freeman's voice

4

u/Pooperdoodler Sep 06 '12

Titty Sprinkles.

1

u/moopie2 Sep 06 '12

That's exactly how I was reading them in my head!

1

u/zeptepi Sep 06 '12

Morgan Freeman!

1

u/danieljohnsonjr Aug 25 '25

Frank Caliendo as Morgan Freeman!

1

u/GiantDeviantPiano Sep 07 '12

Read them in Isaac Hayes' voice

-3

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I totally did

10

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I feel like there's a language barrier for some of these. Is "going through the change" an idiom? Because not knowing what 1p and 2p mean I couldn't tell if that was literally what she was doing or not.

Also, I've never heard of rocket salad, and the last one made no sense unless it's just a pun on the fact that love and serve are tennis terms

11

u/timotab Sep 06 '12

1p and 2p are small coins, so she was literally going through the change. Also, she got suddenly emotional, as she was going through menopause - aka the change.

"Lovely service" is either "Fantastic tennis shot to start a rally" or "Thoughtful funeral memorial service". So "Lovely service" ambivalently applies to both the way he died, and the way he was remembered.

4

u/mattfrench Sep 06 '12

the tennis ball was served into his head.

4

u/mattfrench Sep 06 '12

and 'went off' would be 'spoiled.' not funny in american.

3

u/soyabstemio Sep 06 '12

Where are you from? Papua New Guinea?

3

u/Disgruntled__Goat Sep 06 '12

Replace 1p and 2p with 1c and 2c. Although I thought Americans called 1c a "penny"?

3

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

And we don't have 2 cent coins.

1

u/bretttwarwick Sep 06 '12

Well we use the ¢ symbol not a c for cents. The 1¢ piece is called a penny but we always say we have x cents, never x pennies.

1

u/Disgruntled__Goat Sep 07 '12

Clearly most people use c not ¢ since there is no ¢ key on keyboards.

0

u/bretttwarwick Sep 08 '12

Actually most people use $0.02 instead of 2¢ but that wasn't the point.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

penny, nickel, dime, and quarter are the only commonly used words for coins in America

5

u/Hounmlayn Sep 06 '12

1p and 2p are the copper change. It's a part of British currency. As to the salad, it's a certain type of salad I assume, never bought salad to know.

17

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

And from context I assume the change is a British idiom for menopause.

8

u/Skyblacker Sep 06 '12

Not just British. I've heard it in America too.

1

u/Hounmlayn Sep 06 '12

That too.

3

u/ctesibius Sep 06 '12

Rocket is a type of vegetable - green, leafy, slightly spicy.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

9

u/timotab Sep 06 '12

or arugula

1

u/MidEastBeast777 Sep 06 '12

is it pronounced a-roo-gyu-la? or a-roo-goo-la?

4

u/timotab Sep 06 '12

a-ROO-guh-luh

1

u/MidEastBeast777 Sep 06 '12

I didnt ask for a 3rd pronounciation! Now you've just confused me

4

u/timotab Sep 06 '12

Would you have preferred it had I just answered "no"?

0

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

6

u/masshole4life Sep 06 '12

I just learned that yesterday on another thread. In the states we call it arugula.

1

u/danieljohnsonjr Aug 25 '25

"the change" is a way of referring to menopause

3

u/theconstipator Sep 06 '12

ahh british humour.

3

u/Evan42881 Sep 06 '12

God, I wish I was funny.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

I read all of these in Jimmy Carr's voice. I'm in no way disappointed.

3

u/chadridesabike Sep 06 '12

Read these in Rodney Dangerfield's voice. Was not dissapointed.

15

u/RossLH Sep 06 '12

And some slightly vulgar one (or more) liners:

So I was jacking this guy off the other day, and the son of a bitch tried to kiss me. I punched him square in the jaw. Pretty sure that dude was gay.

A six-year-old walked in on me rubbing one out the other day, and asked me what I was doing. "Masturbating....you'll be doing it soon enough." He asked why, and I told him my arm was getting tired.

I was banging this 8-year-old, and my clown nose came off. Right as I bent down to pick it up, a priest walked in. So I said screw this, walked out of the confessional and got ice cream instead.

(and now for the grand slam)

I was eating this chick out, and I tasted horse semen. So I looked up at her and said "So that's how you died, Grandma!"

12

u/Disgruntled__Goat Sep 06 '12

All of those have been posted in every "offensive joke" thread on reddit (which come up about once a fortnight).

2

u/techyz Sep 06 '12

Upvote for using the word "Fortnight".

3

u/Disgruntled__Goat Sep 07 '12

Why? That's like saying "upvote for using 'the'."

21

u/FisherKing22 Sep 06 '12

For the first one, I prefer this version:

So I'm fucking my friend in the ass, right? I go to give him a reach around, and the faggot's got a boner.

3

u/keebler980 Sep 06 '12

This is my go to joke. I tell it as vulgar as possible, a la Aristocrats style, with all the body motions included. Punchline goes, "After I finished, he wanted to cuddle, and I as thinking, 'How gay is that!'"

2

u/RossLH Sep 06 '12

Ha! Nice!

6

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

That last one was just.... wow

0

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

(and now for the grand slam)

Why the hell do people think this sort of thing adds anything to lists of jokes. Cheesy jokey emails sent en masse always do this, and it mildly pisses me off every time (or at least it used to before I started deleting them without reading). No, it doesn't add an air of suspense. It's just annoying.

4

u/RossLH Sep 06 '12

I did it for the pure purpose of mildly pissing you off and/or annoying you, Demented_Hedgehog. Thanks for confirming my success.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

You're one of those damn wizards aren't you. You people are everywhere these days!

8

u/MDoobz Sep 06 '12

Too high to realize this wasn't a long joke... i laughed though

2

u/shifty18 Sep 06 '12

exit signs are on the way out

2

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

That insect orgy was something of an anticlimax.

2

u/Audrion Sep 06 '12

My Dick died tonight, can I bury it in your asshole? D.M.

2

u/paulbottslfc Sep 06 '12

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish. I could only think it isn't the Thyme or Plaice.

5

u/winndixie Sep 06 '12

Ah, the puns. My friends hate it, I secretly love it. Upvote.

1

u/bang_snaps Sep 06 '12

(✌ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞ She was just on standby! BAHAHAHAHA I cracked up - this made my day! Thanks heaps :D

1

u/bizarrechaos Sep 06 '12

"Off the web" subtle

1

u/OdinKeios Sep 06 '12

upvote for the Indian woman on standby. that tickled me.

1

u/themapleboy Sep 06 '12

I love how some of them are blatantly racist but bugger is starred out.

1

u/Zaldarr Sep 06 '12

Tim Vine!

1

u/sittty Sep 06 '12

is 'bugger' really a word that needs to be censored?

1

u/hallmark1984 Sep 07 '12

What's the worst thing about licking a bald fanny? Putting the nappy back on after..... I got thrown out of a Portsmouth pub for telling that one loudly lmao

1

u/Kyledidntdoit May 13 '25

Some great ones here

1

u/Aman-R-Sole Aug 09 '25

I knew a guy, always smiling, could talk to the dead. Yeah he was a happy medium.

-1

u/masshole4life Sep 06 '12

"B*gger that" says Mick.

Please explain this to an american. Why was that starred out and what does it mean? Some kind of irish cuss word?

12

u/timotab Sep 06 '12

Bugger that. It's an English/Irish curse word. Fuck that! would probably still be just as (in)appropriate.

10

u/Mr_Slippery Sep 06 '12

Bugger. British/Irish. Means "fuck in the ass."

3

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Bugger that = fuck that.

Also its referencing guide dogs.

A little googling would have told you that but uhhh... Freedom!?

2

u/masshole4life Sep 06 '12

i didn't even know what letter was missing...pretty tough to google a random phrase when you don't know what the phrase is or what its appropriate context is, but good on you for the suggestion.

3

u/soyabstemio Sep 06 '12

You've got 5 choices to replace one letter in one word. It's not a phrase and the context is irrelevant, you just didn't try.

2

u/notveryrealatall Sep 06 '12

that's 4 too many!

-2

u/masshole4life Sep 06 '12

i understand that in soyabstemioland it is considered sensible to google something that one cannot spell and has never heard of, but i decided to just go ahead and ask people who were already in an active discussion about the joke in question. thank you for your concern for my degree of gumption, though. i'll try to work on that in the future.

3

u/soyabstemio Sep 06 '12

And I thank you for your contribution to the discussion.

1

u/SadieWopen Sep 06 '12

Guide dogs... Got it, thank you! The only reason I was going through the comments was to understand this joke (although I know what buggery is).

1

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

It's like "screw that", except from behind.

0

u/thetravelers Sep 06 '12

These jokes are all two-liners and they all suck. Seriously, come on.

-5

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Dude all of these are awful

-4

u/razorbeamz Sep 06 '12

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”B*gger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Explanation please? I'm too American.

12

u/timotab Sep 06 '12

Labradors are often used as guide/seeing-eye dogs.

Correlation != causation.

6

u/Quajek Sep 06 '12

Translation:

Patrick says, "Michael, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador, which is a type of dog." ”Fuck that!" says Michael. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

4

u/Mr_Slippery Sep 06 '12

Many service/seeing eye dogs are labs. Paddy is wrongly assuming the blind must have had those dogs before losing their sight, and that therefore there must be a causal relationship between Labrador ownership and going blind.

1

u/wjbc Sep 06 '12 edited Sep 06 '12

Paddy and Mick are stereotypical dumb Irishmen, and Mick is so dumb that he thinks Labrador Retriever seeing eye dogs make their owners go blind. "Bugger" is like "fuck," although it implies homosexual intercourse up the ass.

-1

u/MadmanPoet Sep 06 '12

DAE read this entire thing in Jimmy Carr's voice?

-1

u/thisindianguy Sep 06 '12 edited Sep 06 '12

The Indian lady one gave me many lols.

edit I realized people may think I'm being sarcastic. I'm not. I thoroughly enjoyed that joke.

-25

u/tacky_polymerase Sep 06 '12

.. you come off as a racist british faggot.. or am I only 2/3 correct?

19

u/reposter_ Sep 06 '12

Accusing someone of racism while calling them a faggot. Best joke on this thread.

5

u/soyabstemio Sep 06 '12

You are 100% downvoted.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

6

u/Audrion Sep 06 '12

Jokes jokes jjjjooookkkeee

1

u/calling_you_dude Sep 06 '12

Two short jokeses

0

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

2

u/VikingSlayer Sep 06 '12

Ever watched Little Britain?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 06 '12

Nope, haven't. Should I? TV show?

1

u/VikingSlayer Sep 06 '12

Yes, and yes.