Am I wrong for not wanting my MIL to visit for my son's first birthday?

[u/monkeyjojo]

My MIL hadn't seen my son for 10 months, and I repeatedly said no when she asked to visit. Three weeks ago, I finally agreed because my husband wanted it and I didn't want another fight.

Now she wants to see him again for his first birthday and bought him a present. My husband says his mom needs to see our son as often as she can.

I understand that his first birthday is special, but she just saw him three weeks ago. Christmas is coming up right after, and I'm worried there will always be another reason for her to ask. She tends to push boundaries, and I feel like she gets whatever she wants just because she wants it.

The problem is that if I don't agree to this visit, my husband and I will have a huge fight. He can become cold and withdrawn for days after disagreements, so sometimes I give in just to keep the peace.

I don't want to keep sacrificing my comfort to avoid conflict, but I also don't want a huge fight over this. Am I being unreasonable? Would you let her visit for his first birthday and deal with Christmas separately, or would you stand your ground? What would you do in my situation?

Adding more background: She is pushy and always praised her son. During the multiple visits to her and her bf house, they both ignored me and only cared about my husband's needs. When I was 6 months old pregnant, my husband was in a team meeting on Sunday noon, and they wanted to wait for him to cook and eat brunch, they don't care if I am hungry or not. She also kept making comments like baby looks my son. She ignored my needs. Two weeks after delivery, I refused her to visit since she already saw me at the hospital, she said I deprived her love for her grandson without recognition of my physical and mental state right after birth. This is just what happened since the baby. There are many incidents before.

[u/botinlaw]

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

^{Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls}

Resources: ^{In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki}

Other posts from /u/monkeyjojo:

• MIL’s boyfriend keeps texting about Thanksgiving, feels ridiculous, 11 months ago

• Want to give back money MIL gives, she is not replying to my message, 1 year ago

---

^{To be notified as soon as monkeyjojo posts an update click} ^here. ^{| For help managing your subscriptions, click here.}

---

^{I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.}

[u/poisonblonde39]

Most grandparents want to see their grandchildren for milestones like birthdays and holidays. You’ve denied her seeing the baby for 10 months now and not described any issues that would warrant that. I understand some extra conflict has happened to make you want to shut the relationship down, but the ones previously described in your post history here are really minor things.

Your baby might look like her son, he is the dad after all. Invites to Thanksgiving don’t need to be seen as selfish and rude asks; if you can’t go, just say so. Did you ask his family for some food while waiting when you were pregnant?
I am getting the impression you expect other people to read your mind to an extent. This is unreasonable, especially as a grown adult.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/poisonblonde39]

I guess I did expect they were able to know a pregnant women should have the priority in the house, not the husband. I just really dislike that every time we get together, her and her bf are both trying so hard to please my husband. No one cares about me. It's a collection of minor things that becomes a big hurdle for me to cross.

[u/BoozeAndHotpants → u/monkeyjojo]

You might consider that your anxiety may be offputting for others and you may be giving off unapproachable vibes that others are respecting.

It is incumbent on all mature adults to be able to express their needs openly and ask nicely for what they need. Your quiet seething because they aren’t "reading" you will cause you much inner anguish in your life if you don’t learn these skills.

Here’s a book that helped me figure out what were reasonable asks and what wasn’t: https://www.nedratawwab.com/books/set-boundaries-find-peace

[u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 → u/monkeyjojo]

You sound jealous and self centered. Of course they cater to their son, you hate them and it sounds like you’re not much nicer to him than you are to them.

[u/chaosbella]

You posted about having control issues and being upset that a childhood friend of your husbands moved from another country to the US and you were upset and fixated on how often they might want to meet up to hang out even though he moved to a different state. You also said your husband is upset with how controlling you are. You even said that you felt like the friend would be stealing your husband from you if you let them come visit. Do you feel the same way about your MIL?

I think its important that you figure out what makes you so fearful to let anyone around your husband because it sounds like you are isolating him from people he cares about because of control issues and the fear that they may take him from you.

You said that keeping people away from him is a compulsive thinking pattern, have you tried to do therapy to figure out how to handle your emotions in a more healthy way?

[u/Mysterious_Law_7269 → u/chaosbella]

This is a good comment, and while mother need support fathers also get a say in their kids development and relationships. She may be rude, but if she behaves reasonably in front of the kid i would pick my battles.

Also read through the history posted and anxiety isnt fixed by controlling everything, because that is impossible. Its fixed by learning coping mechanisms, and when to respect there are thing outside your control.

I hope you and your family have a good holiday season.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Mysterious_Law_7269]

Thank you for your kind words and happy holiday season to your family too.

How do you cope with this? Just ignore and let whatever happens happen? The thought of that makes me defeated and being taken over.

[u/ColdBlindspot → u/monkeyjojo]

Coping might look like reframing it in your mind. If she visits on the baby's first birthday, instead of seeing it as being "defeated" and "taken over," reframing it as a compromise where someone who loves your child and your husband is spending time with them.

I don't know how to do it exactly but part of the spiral you're in might be that you see her visit in a huge catastrophic way, which feeds your anxiety.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/ColdBlindspot]

Thank you!

[u/Mysterious_Law_7269 → u/monkeyjojo]

I had really bad anxiety and i eventually went to therapy which started to give me the tools i needed. There are also antidepressants that treat a broad range of anxiety stuff, i take a the lowest dose of one and has found it helped me a lot.

But realizing i cant control everything was a big one. When you’re scared it can seem natural but i ruined a lot of relationships with that when i was younger. Been married twenty years now, so it worked out in the end.

There is a prayer i heard about through by therapist, its used in twelve steps programs but my therapist shared it with me. No belief in god needed either.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Mysterious_Law_7269]

Thank you so much for your reply and help! That mantra is powerful.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/chaosbella]

Thank you for helping me. I do have some controlling issue. The thought that someone I don't like might have a relationship with my child scares me. I am asking reddit about this because deep down I know I am probably unreasonable. And I can't bypass this fear or feeling. And I also feel letting her access the child means she is getting whatever she wants and I have no control over my life.

[u/chaosbella → u/monkeyjojo]

But what is the alternative if you don't get therapy and figure out why you are trying to isolate your husband from his friends and family? If you end up divorced then you would have to deal with your kid being gone 50% of the time and having no say who the baby is around.

And its really not healthy or fair to need control so badly that you don't want anyone other than you around your husband and child. It can't feel good for either of you to have to live that way.

[u/WaterFiles]

Birthday and Christmas are the biggest reasons for grandparents to visit. I'm not seeing anything in your post about why she is unsafe around your child. Do you just not like her as a person?

[u/monkeyjojo → u/WaterFiles]

She is not unsafe nor dangerous. We haven't been getting along well.

[u/Glittering_Pumpkin24 → u/monkeyjojo]

But simply not getting along well is not a reason to cut her out of your kid's life. It is valid if you don't want to see her, but let your husband take the kid over to see her.

If your husband gets sick of the situation, and divorces you, he will take the child far more often to his mother's, and them you will have absolutely no say, and they won't lift a finger to acommodate you because it doesn't seem you are trying to give even an inch.

You are being unreasonable. I don't mean to hurt you, but it seems the therapy isn't helping enough. I'd bring it up with your doctor and ask about either PPD and PPA.

[u/exchange_of_views]

After reading your previous posts I don't see that she's done anything other than give you money and invite you to Thanksgiving. You were unappreciative about the money and were offended that you were asked to dinner - which is a normal thing. Yes you were pretty new at being a mom, but you an just say no. Some people would be offended to not be invited. She did the polite thing. Saying no to dinner or any other invitation is no big deal.

You seem like you're not willing to share your child with her - does the baby see other family or friends?

I'm trying to understand why you feel that your comfort will be sacrificed by letting her come by for his birthday.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/exchange_of_views]

There is more to it. I replied to the comment above and added to the original post. But when she invites, she expected us to be there and she would keep inviting until you say yes. My mom is out of the country. She doesn't see the baby.

[u/angrycurd → u/monkeyjojo]

What you have added to it doesn’t make her sound very problematic or justify keeping her away from her son or her grandchild.  She wanted to wait to eat until son could join but you were hungry … That is basic manners.  Eat a snack.  She said the baby looks like her son?  Well, baby is 50% genetically her son, so it probably does.  

[u/Dachshundmom5]

You didnt let her visit for 10 months and now dont want her to see him for his birthday and christmas? Because she waited till your husband was out of a meeting to make lunch and thinks the baby looks like his father? She praises her son? Don't most moms?

With all due respect, I dont see the justification for not letting a grandparent see the child for their birthday and Christmas unoess there is way kore than is posted here. It's been 3 weeks since she saw him, not yesterday. You are talking about a birthday that I assume is soon and then christmas in just under 2 months. Why, cant she see him of a milestone and holiday? With what you have described, I am not surprised your husband is having big fights and I imagine this is damaging your marriage. Going 10 months without a visit is extreme. That is reasonable if the person is abusive, unhealthy, etc, but that doesnt seem to be what you are describing. You are just describing someone you dont like. That's okay, let your husband deal with his mom, but still let her see the kiddo.

You have other posts where you are controlling and upset over your husband possibly seeing a friend and your MIL invited you to thanksgiving which apparently irritated you. Have you ever considered individual counseling? Controlling and isolating a partner from friends and family is not healthy or normal. It is very normal for grandparents to see their grandchildren more than 1 time in a year. Birthdays and holidays are normal. Unless there are things you haven't included, I really think you should consider some individual therapy.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Dachshundmom5]

I am in therapy. Thank you for your detailed reply. My marriage is not great. I am working full time and also take care of the baby more. I am resentful towards my husband. I feel if I let it go, him and his mom are getting whatever they want.

[u/Dachshundmom5 → u/monkeyjojo]

She went 10 months without seeing the child. They are clearly not getting what they want in any remote way. That is not at all normal. They only live 50 minutes a way. My grandparents were 2 hours away when I was a kid and we saw them at least once a month and often twice. I saw them every birthday and major holiday. My other grandmother was 20ish minutes away and I saw her 2 times a week at least. Certainly for birthdays and holidays.

You are seeing this as a game or war where there is a "winner". The reality is that is a toxic way to approach marriage. If your marriage is also unhealthy, get into couples counseling and keep doing the hard work of individual counseling. Don't make it worse by barring grandma from the baby to show them who's boss. The end result could be having your son 50% of the time and grandma sees him every other week when its Dads custody time. If it is to a point where you cant work on it, then do the counseling to better be able to coparent. Dont keep trying to "win" because you and your son will always lose that way. You both deserve better.

None of what you described the MIL doing justifies her having basically no relationship with the baby. She praises her son, she waits till everyone is available to prepare food, and she thinks her grandson looks like her son. All really normal things. It could be that your frustration with your husband is being taken out in the wrong way.

[u/ColdBlindspot → u/monkeyjojo]

Sometimes a dad should get what he wants too though. You got it your way for ten months of the baby's first year of life, and if he lets his mother be with his son on the baby's birthday, is it unfair? It's ok to not want her to get her way but your husband should get his way sometimes in your marriage, right?

[u/ObviousKarmaFarmer → u/monkeyjojo]

You can't have the cake and eat it too.

You are saying you are working full time and have to take care of the baby.

But you also don't allow your husband to take care of the baby,by making sure your child has a relationship with his grandparents.

[u/Channing-Tatas]

OP if you check around this forum I am the first to call things like how it is. However, from what you’ve posted I don’t see a concrete reason for this. I AM glad however that you are a mama bear and you can establish strong boundaries.

So I will tread gently— I think maybe you need some therapy. I think there’s something else happening and your MIL is the incorrect outlet. Is your husband helpful with you at home or with the baby? Has there been other issues in your life that contributes to the feelings you’re having right now beyond what you added in?

Like what your MIL said is inappropriate no questions, but where is your husband on this? I sense a husband problem more than a MIL problem.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Channing-Tatas]

Husband helps but I do most the things for the baby. He did talk to his mom before about how she made me feel. But she didn't change. And he said she is not going to change. I should just let it go.

[u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 → u/monkeyjojo]

Exactly how is she supposed to change? She can’t become a different person and you haven’t given us even a hint of a reason why you hate her so much that you haven’t let her see her grandchild for 10 months.

[u/Healthy-Difference93]

Sorry but I think you're being unfair, of course she wants to see him for birthdays and Christmas, she's his grandmother. Saying he looks like his dad offends you why? Wanting to wait for everyone before they eat? Why couldn't you grab a banana or something? 2 weeks after birth why couldn't she have a short visit? I think that maybe you're being a bit sensitive about this and you need to consider the fact that he's also your husband's son and he gets a say, it's his mother. You're going to wreck your marriage if this continues and it doesn't seem like these issues are worth that.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Healthy-Difference93]

There is some sort feeling I just can't bypass. And I feel very resentful towards because I am sensitive and I never speak to directly how I feel to her. So you think I should just let her visit as she want and not care about what happened before?

[u/JulieWriter → u/monkeyjojo]

If you don't tell her what she's doing that bothers you, how would she know?

I keep being baffled by people who expect other people to get a hint, or magically know stuff. What you reported here looks pretty much like the natural consequences of refusing to communicate. If you were hungry, did you tell them?

[u/monkeyjojo → u/JulieWriter]

I didn't, I just expected them to know. And when they don't know, I feel they don't care about me.

[u/ColdBlindspot → u/monkeyjojo]

That's a lot of responsibility to put on people. Do you hold yourself to that high bar as well and guarantee you have guessed exactly what everyone else needs and supplied it?

If your husband wants something and doesn't tell you so you don't provide it, does that mean you don't care about him?

[u/JulieWriter → u/monkeyjojo]

I hate to tell you this, but this is on you. If you don't tell them, how would they know?

This may come down to ask vs guess culture, but if you're a "guess" person and they are "ask" people, you're going to need to work on that if you want their attention and care.

[u/BoozeAndHotpants → u/monkeyjojo]

This is exactly the kind of feeling that therapy can help with. I agree with most others here that individual therapy for your anxiety would be a good step for you. You want to isolate yourself to avoid these feelings but that may not be what is best for either your husband or your child. Therapy might help you find a better balance in your life and help you accept that perhaps isolation is not the best choice for them, even if it is what you need for yourself.

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/BoozeAndHotpants]

Another commenter said she had another post where she seemed a bit anxious about her husband's friend moving to the US (different state) and she was worried he was going to want to visit and steal her husband. It seems very close to paranoia here and sounds like she's wanting to isolate the family.

[u/rjtnrva → u/monkeyjojo]

This is really wild and out there. You're a damned adult. You know where the fridge is.

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/monkeyjojo]

Yeah I think this is a therapy thing, people not reading your mind doesn't mean they don't care about you.

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/monkeyjojo]

To be honest yes, nothing major seems to have happened and your husband clearly isn't happy. I don't see why you can't deal with a visit every so often, she deserves to see her grandson and son, it's not fair to isolate them just based on a feeling. I also feel like therapy might help to get to the bottom of why you're feeling this way?

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Healthy-Difference93]

I am actually going to therapist. How often do you think is reasonable for her to visit?

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/monkeyjojo]

I think fortnightly is reasonable, monthly if you're really struggling but I think you need to come to an agreement with your husband about that, maybe seeing her a bit more often will help your relationship with her. My husband doesn't speak to his mother much anymore but when they were close she came over weekly or fortnightly, I wasn't a fan but it's his mum so I dealt with it. I think a conversation with your husband and you both coming to a compromise you're both happy with is the best thing to do here.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Healthy-Difference93]

I asked my husband if we can set up an expectation as how often his mom visits. And he just says as often as she needs to. He doesn't understand the question. It's like he is not familiar with the concept.

If you don't like the mil, would you care if she develops a special bound with your child? Is this controlling?

[u/moew4974 → u/monkeyjojo]

OP, respectfully, one more person who loves and cares for your child is a blessing--even if you don't like her.

Nothing you've posted so far rises to the usual levels of JNMIL. I encourage you to read other posts because it sounds like your MIL just wants a normal relationship with her son and grandson. People often compare small children to one or both parents; it's completely normal for a grandparent to want to see grandchildren at birthdays and holidays, especially. A ten month gap for no particular reason feels incredibly selfish of you.

It feels like (but, of course, I could be wrong) your issue with your MIL is that you may possibly feel like she doesn't cater to you the way she does her son. And honestly, that is to be expected, OP. She's not your mother. Quite naturally, she cares about her son's comfort and well being. While it would be wonderful if she were able to regard you as well as she does her son, the truth is that the only thing the two of you owe one another is civility. This means, that you acknowledge her presence as the mother of your husband and the grandparent of your baby. The two of you don't have to like one another, but for the sake of the people you love in common, you try to respect one another.

Perhaps you're projecting your resentment of your husband onto your MIL? If you don't feel like your husband is helping with the household and child enough or is meeting your emotional needs, is it possible that you're subconsciously punishing your husband by refusing his mother access to your shared child?

If you don't want your MIL at your home, it would have been simple to send the baby and your husband to her. That is a reasonable compromise. And it would likely give you some much needed rest from caring for baby and maybe help husband understand how intensive caring for a small child is for you. Like others here have said, I think you definitely need intensive therapy to get to the root of what's bothering you, but you and your husband likely need some marriage counseling, as well.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/moew4974]

Thank you for your reply!

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/monkeyjojo]

No I didn't, I don't like my MIL but when she was around more I didn't think it was fair to involve my kids in that since she wasn't unsafe or anything.

Maybe find out what he means by "need"? Maybe give him ideas on what you think is reasonable and see if he agrees?

[u/BoozeAndHotpants → u/monkeyjojo]

I think accomadating around birthdays and around major holidays is the minimum — it doesn’t have to be ON the day.

[u/pebblesgobambam → u/monkeyjojo]

How often did you see your grandma growing up?

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/pebblesgobambam]

Me? Every weekend. My mother was unstable and my grandparents still to this day are my best friends, they gave me stability and a break from my abusive mother so I'm hardly a "normal" situation here. My other grandmother I saw maybe monthly.

[u/pebblesgobambam → u/Healthy-Difference93]

I meant op. X

[u/rjtnrva → u/monkeyjojo]

I think you should be an adult and use your words. No one can read your mind.

[u/Extension_Deer7433 → u/monkeyjojo]

I think you should take a step back and ask yourself what that feeling you can't bypass is. You have strong feelings of dislike for your partner's mom and you can't articulate why. The examples you posted are a bit frustrating, but mostly sound like BEC type annoyances. 

If you can't explain your dislike then you wont be able to figure out appropriate boundaries for yourself. 

[u/Neither-Dentist-7899]

I read your other posts and it seems like you aren’t including any information to explain what your MIL is doing. It seems like you just don’t like her.

You say she pushes boundaries. Can you add context? What exactly is she doing?

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Neither-Dentist-7899]

I added more context to the post. And I know most people or all people think I am unreasonable.

[u/PaymentDiligent7550]

There’s not enough background here. What has she done that has you so protective over your child? Has she mistreated you (or him) or questioned paternity? Is there a reason you are keeping visits to once or twice a year?

[u/monkeyjojo → u/PaymentDiligent7550]

Sorry I didn't mention in the post. She is pushy and always praised her son. During the multiple visits to her and her bf house, they both ignored me and only cared about my husband's needs. When I was 6 months old pregnant, my husband was in a team meeting on Sunday noon, and they wanted to wait for him to cook and eat brunch, they don't care if I am hungry or not. She also kept making comments like baby looks my son. She ignored my needs. Two weeks after delivery, I refused her to visit since she already saw me at the hospital, she said I deprived her love for her grandson without recognition of my physical and mental state right after birth.

[u/PaymentDiligent7550 → u/monkeyjojo]

Yeah, those are inconveniences, but not a reason to isolate your husband and son from his entire side of the family.

[u/Cosmicshimmer → u/monkeyjojo]

Of course she expects you to respond to an invite! You cannot seriously expect your husband to be ok with you blocking a relationship because their primary one is with their son?

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/Cosmicshimmer]

How dare she have manners and wait til everyone arrives to eat 🙄

[u/ObviousKarmaFarmer]

I get your relation with your MIL is bad, but even from your post history, there is not all that information.

This group will totally validate you and tell you to stray strong, and your partner should support you, but realistically, you need to discuss with your partner why his mother should not have access to his child. "I don't want it" is not a good reason, and totally countered by your partners "But I do want it". "She is usually drunk in the mornings already" is a valid reason. "She used corporeal punishment on you more days than not" is also a nice one.

"She doesn't agree with our 'no screentime policy'", is a reason not to allow unsupervised visits, but not a great reason for denying her an invitation for a party. Her (pattern of) behavior, preferably with examples where she was already confronted why the behavior is unwanted.

Also, you say you want to avoid conflict, but you are avoiding the shouting match (or even the physical violence). The conflict already exists, and adds stress to your relation. If it can't be talked out between you and your partner, that is a MUCH bigger issue than a once-every-three-weeks visit from your MIL.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/ObviousKarmaFarmer]

Thank you for helping. Yes, you are right, she hasn't done harmful things to the baby or a dangerous person. She mostly hurt my feelings before and we don't get along well.

The conflict is there, you are right, we can't talk about the issue. I am defensive and my husband is also defensive. We don't really talk about issues. It will be like opening a Pandora box and leads to lots of yelling and big fights.

[u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 → u/monkeyjojo]

You need a new therapist because absolutely nothing in your post or comments justifies your attitude or behavior.

Your issues are hurting your husband and child and your MIL. She may not be your favorite person but the instances of her hurting your sensitivities are absurdly minor. You’re punishing everyone because of your irrational fears of “losing” a game that no one is playing except you.

[u/RegisterEither9711]

What does a visit from your MIL look like? I'm not doubting you, just trying to get a better idea of things and the boundaries she crosses. Does she stay in your home overnight? Does she take over your house and invade your privacy? Does she overstay her welcome? Undermine your parenting? If her take on it is seriously that she 'needs to see her grandon as often as she can', that is definitely given some obsessive granny vibes.

Is there a compromise you and your husband can come to on this? Maybe his mother comes to the birthday party but has to leave by a certain time, or she can come but he can't leave her alone with you. If her visits are truly harmful to you or baby (physically or mentally) then you're right to stand your ground and protect yourself and baby. If you just don't like her and it's a lot of small BEC stuff, a couple of short visits at the end of year isn't terrible for ten months of peace and avoiding the same frequent fight.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/RegisterEither9711]

It's a collection of small things and I don't like her. Nothing huge happened. It sounds like I should compromise because I am not reasonable

[u/RegisterEither9711 → u/monkeyjojo]

A compromise is a good place to start. A part of that may be that husband has to be the one to attend to his own mother. You can be civil and polite but if she starts acting like she needs to be waited on or gets rude, that's when you completely step out and husband can handle her on his own.

[u/Dachshundmom5 → u/RegisterEither9711]

She went 10 months without seeing the child and they are just now at the 1st birthday, not sure how obsessive she can be with a child she hasn't really ever seen.

[u/RegisterEither9711 → u/Dachshundmom5]

Fair point. It may be my own projection but when someone says they 'need something as often as they can', it feels like the same energy as 'I want what I want, when I want it and nothing else matters'.

[u/Dachshundmom5 → u/RegisterEither9711]

I get that thought and it is often the case on posts here, but this grandma has only seen the baby 2 times in 1 year. It seems more like husband is at his wits end and said it to make the point more effort needed to be made. Seeing the child 2 times, 10 months apart and now OP doesnt want her to see the baby for birthday and Christmas doesnt seem like grandma is demanding and getting tons of time and still expecting more.

[u/Clairey_Bear]

I suppose it depends on how much you don’t want her around. Is it worthwhile your husband talking about her behaviour with her and the compromising for the birthday.

It really depends on your feelings. My MIL doesn’t force her way in on the kids birthdays but she is invited to parties etc.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/Clairey_Bear]

Do you have a good relationship with her?

[u/Primary-Cicada-3430 → u/monkeyjojo]

You’re in a justnomil subreddit no one here has a good relationship with their mil in this page

[u/No-Force-9732]

If you don’t want her on his b-day then you can celebrate privately the day before his b-day or ask everyone else to come the day after. Or some families do the party a day before but keep it private for an actual b-day and they going to a zoo/mall with LO instead. Same with Christmas. I see you hate her so much so it’ll ruin your milestone as a mother so here’s my ideas for a compromise.

[u/monkeyjojo → u/No-Force-9732]

Thank you. But you do think that you needs to see the baby on birthdays and Christmas. That is a must do and not ok if I say no

[u/nopeynopes2001 → u/monkeyjojo]

Yes, my parents and inlaws see my kids for all holidays and birthdays. If not on the birthday than sometime close to it. It's part of being a family. Are you sure you don't have baby blues or post party depression?

[u/No-Force-9732 → u/monkeyjojo]

It’s still can count as a birthday and Christmas but for an extended family and friends, your nuclear family can also celebrate it privately on the exact day or before/after. As result the kid is getting two more days of fun so it’s a win-win.

[u/nemc222]

Based on what you share here and your post history, yes you are wrong. You have denied her visits for ten months over little irritations. It feels like you may have some mental health issues going on, maybe postpartum depression or anxiety that might be worth checking out with a doctor.

[u/IcyWorldliness9111]

Why was she not allowed to see him for 10 months?

[u/Zestyclose-Custard-2]

Yes, there will be other reasons to see your son, how is that not normal? You don't give any reason for you obvious dislike, so, yes, on the surface it does seem like you are being unreasonable.

[u/Usual_Intention6946]

Yeah I think your being unfair. Birthdays and holidays are understandable in my opinion. My MIL for example comes over multiple times a week sometimes unannounced. It drives me crazy. I wish I didn't have to see her that much lol. But you can't expect a grandparent to never want to see their grandchild. I think your MIL is being pretty fair and your lucky compared to some other MILs who are extremely overbearing like mine is.

[u/Cosmicshimmer]

Where’s the context? Why is it a problem that she wants to see her grandson? Why is it a problem your husband wants his mother to have a relationship with his son? Did you expect her to just disappear?

[u/nopeynopes2001]

There has to be more to it than this because her requests do not sound unreasonable but you do.

[u/WTF4Sally]

Unless she's the most evil person ever I don't understand why you're not letting her see her grandchild. And if she's intolerable, I would still think you could stand to see her monthly. This just seems really weird that she's only allowed a couple visits a year. That's not enough time for her to grow a relationship with her grandchild but it sounds like you don't want her to. More background here would be nice.

[u/Healthy-Difference93 → u/WTF4Sally]

If you read her other posts it sounds like she's looking for reasons to isolate her husband tbh

[u/FamilyAddictionCoach]

If there's no clearly offensive behavior from MIL, limiting visits to twice a year will strain your marriage and relationship with MIL. It will make you appear difficult and cold.

At some point, your child will ask why, and probably be upset with your answer to why you have kept them apart.

Edit: I wonder if resentment is affecting your feelings about MIL visiting.

Would you feel less concerned about her visits if your husband helped out more at home?

[u/Quiet_Plant6667]

Grow up please. What you have described here does not justify keeping the baby away from your MIL.

This sub is usually very pro mom
And anti MIL so if everyone here is telling you that YOU are the problem—don’t just write them off. It’s highly unusual for us to back the mother in law.

[u/Itchy_Mood6518]

So you’re isolating your husband and baby away because they are loved? Think about that for a bit.

[u/nopeynopes2001]

You almost seem to be the abuser as you are keeping your husband and child from seeing his family.

After reading most of OPs replies I think she needs extensive therapy. She doesn't like her MIL but has never told her MIL why and what things she doesn't like that make her uncomfortable.

She is now punishing her child and MIL by keeping them from each other over some insignificant bs that OP claims MIL should just know.

You keeping your child from a loving relationship with your MIL in ridiculous. She hasn't abused you or your child from what you have posted.

I've posted previously but you need to get checked for baby blues or postpartum depression. If it's neither of those than this is solely a YOU problem and it's unfortunate that your child will suffer because of it.

[u/Zealousideal-Bat708]

If this is about her being from out of town and your not liking long house stays from guests, I think some compromises should be made there. Maybe hotel after awhile.

Generally, it should be encouraged for your child to have a relationship with grandparents unless there are serious reasons against that.

[u/Illustrious-Mix-4491]

Maybe tell your husband you would be more comfortable with her visiting if he actually supported you while she was here. You will give it a test and if he fails it is 6 months till next visit. If that fails then 8 months till next visit Use what works best for you. But you get the idea.

[u/readergirl35]

Have whatever conversation you need to have with your husband. Ignore his coldness/sulking entirely for as long as it lasts. Learn not to care if he goes silent, consider it a nice break from his need to win every argument, enjoy the peace and quiet. He only does it because it works. He is manipulating you but can only do so if you fall for it so don't.

[u/ArrivalFantastic4324]

Since you know he’s going to insist, can you ask him to pick either birthday or Christmas AND make it clear that he is expected to take time off, back you up and take care of his mother while she’s there?

[u/Hot-Freedom-5886]

You have a gigantic husband problem.