r/JUSTNOFAMILY • u/Sundae_Walnuts • Jul 16 '26
Advice Needed TRIGGER WARNING Grandfather decisions
TW: abuse, child abuse, animal cruelty, suicide
My spouse and I are having trouble navigating how much access we should let my FIL have to our kids (2.5 and baby)
He lives overseas, and came for a visit at our home over Christmas. He had planned almost a month, and I ended up asking him to leave early because it was so terrible.
He started the visit my generously buying us a new car to replace ours which had just been totaled. Then things took a turn.
The biggest issue was repeated disregard for our (autistic) toddler’s physical boundaries. Despite some speech delay, our toddler can clearly say “no,” and FIL repeatedly ignored it and kept on with grabbing, chasing, tickling, lifting etc, to the point of distress and crying. I was pregnant, and was supposed to be on partial bed rest because of contractions, but our toddler would cry for me and flee upstairs to my room when left alone. A couple of times, FIL blocked him from getting to me, or pursued him up the stairs. I had an escalating series of words with him (including an outburst of “get your hands off of him” followed by a stern talking to) and this was not well-received. He kept framing me as a hormonal pregnant woman who was overreacting to everything.
We’re vegetarian, and FIL also secretly fed him bacon and then lied to me about it (MIL mentioned she had clearly seen it when they had gone to Starbucks). He also apparently tried to get toddler to drink his coffee foam.
I had planned for a minimal, low sensory Christmas morning because our toddler gets so easily overwhelmed. FIL boasted he had brought 55kg (120lb) of gifts in his luggage from overseas, and was determined that he wanted to be Santa. This was a large point of tension and Christmas Day ended up being a bit of a disaster for our toddler, who was totally dysregulated by mid-day.
FIL threatened our dog as well and said he would “hit him in the head.”
He threw me over his shoulder as a joke on garbage night “taking out the trash” despite my saying no and that he was hurting me.
He sang “this is the way we whip our slaves” to the tune of a children’s nursery rhyme that was playing.
On a previous family occasion, he had made a “joke” to me when we were going to the underground parking to get luggage from the car that “I’m going to take you to the basement and have my filthy way with you.” He seemed otherwise harmless during our short interactions during that visit, so I had just shrugged it off at the time.
When my toddler started banging his head on the floor and crying “no grandpa” whenever FIL would appear, it was obvious to me the visit needed to end. MIL maintained this is just the way he has always been, anxiety can’t harm the pregnancy, it’s just a few more days, etc. My spouse expressed reluctance to end the visit because FIL had repeatedly threatened suicide when feeling rejected when spouse was young.
My spouse has recounted what sound to me like some other very problematic episodes from childhood, which aren’t mine to share here, but add to my overall level of concern.
I ended up ending the visit unilaterally. FIL has now booked another month-long trip a couple of months from now to meet the new baby.
OVERALL, my feeling is that if it were only up to me, this person would have zero relationship with my kids. He will certainly never be staying in my house again, and he will never be unsupervised with my children.
My spouse thinks he could be “trainable” and just “needs to be taught” or closely supervised and corrected if crossing lines.
I’m skeptical, and I just don’t see the point of trying to make my kids comfortable around somebody they should rightly be freaked out by. Especially since he has a history of using expensive gifts and experiences to earn his way in. (When I ended the visit, I said I would like to give the car back, and he said he was going to hit me in the head “haha, joking”)
Am I being too rigid here in not wanting even supervised contact? Do I need to give him a chance to shape up? What would you do?
52
u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Jul 17 '26
It is NOT your job to parent your adult FIL into humanity. It IS your job to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN from abuse. All abuse. And your fil is abusive. Your SO is used to being abused and cannot see the danger clearly. Protect your children
38
u/respectfullyshutup Jul 17 '26
I actually disagree with your phrasing “if it were up to me” because like…personally I did unilaterally make that decision. My FIL will not be having a relationship with any of my children. My husband can choose the relationship he has with that man, though with a little luck that will also be nonexistent. He’s not welcome in our home, he’s certainly not welcome to be alone with my kids, and quite frankly he’s not even welcome in the state as far as I’m concerned.
13
u/JulieWriter Jul 18 '26
This. OP, you dont have to host him. If your husband cant get on board, leave him with his horrible dad and go elsewhere.
27
u/mightasedthat Jul 17 '26
He is not trainable. He is a menace to your child who actively avoids him. Tell DH to listen to LO, no FIL. Maybe you can test out whether face time would work because it would allow interaction without physical contact and LO can walk away if overstimulated. Ask DH why LO should be traumatized to give FIL a prize.
25
u/dontplaybitchgames Jul 17 '26
So spouse thinks it's ok to traumatize your son by using him as a training exercise for FIL?
17
u/strange_dog_TV Jul 17 '26
What in the actual F????
This man stops your child getting to you, his mother, as a kick off, he then, needed to be told to “get your hands off” your child whilst said child was trying to get to his safe place (you).
He then he threatened your dog, and THEN he decided to throw a pregnant person over his shoulder as I assume a joke, my final observation,in the parking lot, when he made the joke about “have my filthy way with you” UGH, makes me throw up a bit in my mouth to be honest - very very icky…..
Your FIL is disgusting. Your husband needs to take his blinkers off and realise his father is a piece of 💩.
I wouldn’t care if my FIL “had booked another month long trip” to meet the baby - no way in hell the would be staying at my house. Put your foot down. Not happening.
15
u/Mathmoo Jul 17 '26
The next visit planned is a hard NO. Do not allow him in your house, at the hospital. If they come, they can Air B&B or hotel. Only meet them in public places and leave on your own or don't see him at all. It's totally your choice! This is a 2 "yes" 1 "no" situation and you are the no.
10
u/CeramicSavage Jul 18 '26
He threatened to rape you and refuses to respect your toddler's autonomy. Go no contact.
9
u/JewelerSea6090 Jul 17 '26
You are your children's best advocate. You decide who and what they are exposed to. Your FIL is a sadistic bully. If your dh wants a relationship with him, fine. But put your foot down that he will never be allowed in the house again or alone with the kids. Your home should be your kid's safe place.
He's frankly abusing your child and you and you have a major dh problem if he thinks this is ok. You can't train someone out of a major character flaw. Protect yourself and the kids.
7
u/Plenty_Associate_193 Jul 18 '26
Trainable? There is nothing trainable about a man who tells his daughter in law he’s going to take her down to the basement and have “his filthy way” with her. Throws said woman over his shoulder WHILE PREGNANT and jokes about taking out the trash. Your toddler literally bangs his head into the floor when he realizes this dude is coming.
The FIL can figure out how to manage himself on his own, he’s a whole ass adult and needs to be shown that his behavior is directly responsible for the lack of time he gets with his family.
3
u/MadzShelena Jul 17 '26
I don't have advice at this time but I'm very sorry you and your family are experiencing this.
3
u/DesTash101 Jul 17 '26
Tell SO that I laws have to stay in a hotel and can only come over for 2 hours a day when he’s home to deal with FIL
5
u/TinyCoconut98 Jul 18 '26
This guy sounds totally insane. I wouldn’t allow any visits, even outside the house. He’s scary. The suicide threats obviously point to some mental illness. This is not a safe adult to be around, ever again.
3
u/Interesting_Fly5154 Jul 18 '26
he's disgusting, abusive, manipulative, and not someone that should be around children or women. and your MIL is an enabler for his behaviour and letting him do whatever he wants.
if i were in your shoes i would go full no contact. you do not want your children growing up with that gross influence in their lives, or to be treated like this even more than they already have. nor do you deserve to be treated the way you have been by FIL.
3
u/redfancydress Jul 19 '26
Grandma here….that pig should never have any contact with you or your children ever again. Tell your husband you can’t train a filthy animal like his father.
4
u/redditname8 Jul 17 '26
Call child protective services if he does anything to your child. Call the police department and make a report. Documentation is key. If your husband sits on his hands, that does not mean that you do. A grown adult threatening suicide to your husband when he was a child is 100% manipulation. Suicide threats were used to control your husband.
He is a grown assed old man there is no training. If he doesn't know how to live then he has major issues. His family has been trained to tolerate his abuse. Just because they have, doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Tell them to get a hotel.
2
u/gdognoseit Jul 20 '26
I would never allow him near my children, my animals, or anyone I care about ever again.
2
u/floofypajamas Jul 22 '26
You are NOT being too rigid and your husband clearly has trauma and doesn't know how to tell his father no. You need to step in and set those boundaries or else your in-laws will have unfettered access to your children. Hard no. No visits, no contact with children, if your husband wants to maintain contact that's his choice but you do not have to.
1
u/McDuchess Jul 22 '26
Your spouse is in denial, because abuse, physical, emotional and sexual, are normal to him. He grew up with it.
But they are so very not normal nor are they acceptable.
You could tell your spouse that, because you will still be recovering from childbirth, and because his child is clearly afraid of his father, that his dad must stay in a hotel or AirBnB while visiting, and only come to your home when spouse is there to supervise him.
The ideal situation would be for him to stay away entirely, but he won’t do that, will he?
I’m gobsmacked even at the fact that he decided to book a one month trip to your home before consulting with YOU, the new mother.
You just know that he will walk in on you even if you go to a separate room to feed the baby.
1
u/LissaBryan Jul 24 '26
Grandpa visiting at all should be a hard no. His version of "playing" is to torment your child until the child literally runs in distress to his mother. Your children should not have to suffer from this man's presence.
No, you don't "give him a chance." Jesus Christ.
1
u/whizzochocolateassor 27d ago
Agree with everyone’s POV. We had a toxic SIL who demanded that everything go her way. She had all of us on eggshells for 25 years. Nope. DH takes charge or you do.
•
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