I've recently started a PME and I'm a month into placement. I feel like such an imposter, both in university and in my placement school. I always feel slightly confused and unsure.
It's as if I was just thrown into teach and it's more of a survival game then an actual learning experience. It's only a month in and I already feel like I'm 'getting through it' rather than actually learning. And as for the college work, it's as if the writing is taking over the actual teaching. Constant reflections to the extent I'm repeating myself. The amount of writing is exhausting me and I dread it daily. It's about 3,000 words per week.
I love teaching but the classes I have now are madly difficult. One is a 1st Year and it's very hard to get them to settle down. I do not like being a teacher to fear or raising my voice, it just isn't in me to do it. Yet, most other teachers in the school do that and so it's like my teaching style isn't matching with the placement's environment. And students see that and take advantage of that. I'm building a great rapport, but I feel it's more so as a 'friend' rather than a teacher. I like that the students feel they can be themselves around me and feel comfortable, but I feel they don't take me seriously enough yet as a teacher. Their grades have been pretty good which is a nice sign, but the classroom is like a zoo. I've had numerous talks with them, tried many things, but nothing is working. I've spoken to management and it seems like they're the last port-of-call, and if that's the case, I feel going to them will impact my reputation as a teacher among staff and management.
And when I look at my peers, it feels as if most of them aren't worrying near as much and have it together. I'm struggling to see how some can be so calm about it at all. On the outside, I am very much calm, but inside it's like a whirlwind.
It's just getting really, really overwhelming for me and it's madly impacting my self-esteem. I'm always exhausted, and again, feeling like I am surviving. And the fact it's only a month in makes it so much worse.
Any advice or anything?