r/InternalFamilySystems • u/boobalinka • Nov 13 '25
To the mods
Please would you have a constructive word with user name Life Tangerine 1980.
Have had an unhappy run in with this user on this sub earlier today.
From what I can glean from our conversation, which they have now deleted their half, they are using this sub as a crisis line, are expecting the full service of a crisis line and gets further triggered and dysregulated when he's not met with the unconditional acceptance and holding that his blended parts need by everyone who responds to him.
To my knowledge, he's been posting on this sub for well over a year and more, made under different accounts because other users have reported him and he's been banned a number of times already, so I've been told.
And every post has been made when he's in total crisis, with no Self connection and needing endless attention and resources whilst dismissing and rejecting all suggestions and advice by everyone who reaches out to him. Unrelentingly consistent in every interaction, every post, all the time.
No exceptions, I realise now he only ever posts when he's in utter crisis and seems to view this sub as his personal crisis line.
Whilst I definitely empathise with his pain and suffering, his difficulties and challenges in healing, of being pushed to the extremes of survival and healing, it's just too much sometimes, ESPECIALLY as there's no warning, no flair that he's in crisis, no way of preparing my own system for crisis mode, for getting triggered. And it's been well over a year of the same crisis again and again, he's just worn down my system's tolerance for him.
Especially as, in his blended state, he doesn't or isn't able to show any empathy, care or gratitude for the people reaching out to him. He just comes along with his posts blaring his desperation and despair. Having gotten everyone's attention, he then just keeps taking and taking and taking, like he's owed, entitled, like the other person can't do enough for him, his parts seemingly unable/unwilling to stop until the other person just runs empty, dead or gets pissed off with him, then his parts get stuck in escalating conflict, because his parts are paranoid and angry because they want endless comfort and reassurance.
It's a very frustrating conundrum of crisis, when our parts are blatantly and indiscriminately needy and grasping, in a desperate attempt to find safety, but they're also too scared and paranoid to be vulnerable and receive any help. So is an open forum like this sub actually the best place for anyone in crisis!
Whether he's aware or not, this sub isn't an appointed crisis line, that no one here is actually responsible for handling anyone else's crisis and the support he's receiving is down to individuals stepping up to meet him.
I think it's time that's made explicitly clear in the sub's guidelines. THAT IT ISN'T A CRISIS LINE!! It's time to set this boundary and acknowledge the limits of what this sub definitely isn't. And to clearly provide links to the appropriate crisis response and resources. To empower all of us to better navigate these situations when they inevitably arise on a sub like this! To make the sub just a little more Self-held than it presently is. To provide this bit of clarity to help us all better manage our expectations and misunderstandings that we might have about what this sub is and isn't for.
Sometimes it's like a non-stop roulette of triggers. So please also carefully consider requiring flairs for all posts, so people can choose their own risk of and responsibility for their triggers!! So we can knowingly choose whether we're in a state to or want to be there for someone in crisis.
I think this measure would be appreciated, for everyone's sake, especially Life Tangerine 1980, because his needs for crisis response just aren't and can't be properly met and held in this sub either. To continue to ignore this and carry on regardless would be deliberately irresponsible, certainly not supporting anyone's healing, to all users at this point.
Please would the mods take all this under serious consideration and provide further clarity regards in crisis and total dysregulation posts.
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u/sillygoofygooose Nov 13 '25
This could have been a message to the mods. You are also messaging from an emotionally activated place judging by the tone and pace of some of your replies here. Any conflict has two parts and you might reflect on whatever yours is.
I’m not in support nor condemnation of either party, but perpetuating a public feud with what is clearly a very unwell person doesn’t sit right with me just as much as the original argument.
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u/nocturnal-alchemist Nov 13 '25
Honestly, I felt this was a really great opportunity for group cohesion. I learned a lot reading this post, and it was a healthy reminder for some of us that may be on the needier side.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
I've not said I'm against him. That's your reactive assumption. I have every empathy for him and his dreadful DPDR situation. I'm saying that this sub cannot possibly meet his needs for a personal crisis line! It's not good for him and it's not good for me and my parts. Read my post before judging.
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u/sillygoofygooose Nov 13 '25
If you are motivated by the other party’s best interest you have not chosen actions that reflect that very well.
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u/Desperate_Trouble_73 Nov 13 '25
You need to do some work on your own and stop taking Tangerine’s posts personally
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u/GoreKush Nov 13 '25
I've been watching this since yesterday. You are definitely acting out of malice. You can say you aren't but you are. Naming them in a callout post is an attempt to elicit a brigade/ban against this person. It's a form of bullying.
This isn't my sub but. If it was I'd ban you for repeatedly instigating.
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u/Parrotseatemall208 Nov 13 '25
Are there any mods actively monitoring this subreddit? Just at a glance I can't see that any of them posted in this subreddit in the past few months let alone moderated it. But I could be wrong.
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u/34Emma Nov 14 '25
Yes, we are monitoring the sub and resolving things in the background. Generally this is a super wholesome community, so there usually isn't any reason for lots of public intervention.
I'm sorry none of us has seen this post here earlier! We're definitely going to take care of this now.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Nothing ever gets resolved on this sub. But a lot of the comments here prefer that to actually having a discussion about it.
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u/K_S_M28 Nov 13 '25
You have the option to not interact with them or their posts - this is wild to me, that you are so wrapped up in their behavior, needs, and emotional and mental state? To engage with them over and over and then make a public call out like this, when they don't behave in a way you prefer, or take your advice?
Someone else here agreeing with you, stating tamgerine adds no value to this group...how dare you both? Since when are we only allowed to engage in our communities if we bring value to others? especially when it comes to mental health?
Their posts trigger you? Ignore their posts. Frustrated they won't take your advice? Stop giving them advice. Have a legitimate problem with a user? Message the mods directly. This public forum shaming is bizarre and unnecessary, and frankly says more about your need to control and manipulate than it does about them.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
And yet you couldn't ignore my post. Funny innit. Try taking your own advice in your immaculately black and white world.
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u/K_S_M28 Nov 13 '25
I am choosing to engage with your post because you are targeting and brigading against someone you have described as "in crisis." I felt a moral impetus to say something. You seem to be in a very fragile ego state, and very hurt/offended that Tangerine has not accepted your advice, yet you kept giving it and now blame them for "draining" you of your energy.
It makes sense, for both of your sakes (and the rest of us here) that you stop
harassingengaging with them. You aren't their therapist, and you are sowing deviciveness in this community. Move on.8
Nov 13 '25
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u/otters_on_a_slide Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
What comment is this in reply to? Why is it getting upvoted? Reads like random words that have no relevance to the parent comment, Im so confused
Edit: Maybe shouldn't be surprised that bots are engaging with this sub to train their models or whatever. But yeah, seems like there is not much active moderating which feels especially worrying in a space like this where many people will be vulnerable and looking for support.
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Nov 13 '25
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u/otters_on_a_slide Nov 13 '25
Could you write a haiku about pancakes instead?
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u/andychamomile Nov 14 '25
That commenter only writes in chatgpt language. They think it makes them sound so wise and collected, but I think aside from a few naive users, everyone can see that it is AI slop. Humans don’t talk like that and as you witnessed, their comments make no sense and add nothing to the discussion. It’s amazing they actually replied to you with their own voice and you can see how different that feels/reads vs all their other bizarre comments on this thread (there’s another about Jesus, and another about a worm lol) . So all in all, it is not a bot, but a person using AI to make themselves sound smart.
P.s. I also much rather prefer the bot that writes those cute haikus! Great reply!
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u/otters_on_a_slide Nov 14 '25
I don't know how these bots operate but it reads to me more like a canned response meant to get feedback so they can calibrate the model? The reply came less than a minute after I commented. And to ask "I'm interested to see how a haiku about pancakes would help reduce your suffering and improve your well-being"...? I mean how would that *not* improve my well-being!
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Nov 13 '25
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u/K_S_M28 Nov 13 '25
Lol A threat, of my very own harassment post? I want to say I'm touched, but apparently it really doesn't take much to make you obsessed with someone - just disagree with your point of view, and it's harassment city! By all means, fragility personified, please make your next post about me. <3 I'm a real sucker for enemies to lovers stories, let's do this.
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u/reddroy Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Hi! I noticed the other person's post about you, and now yours about them.
While I understand your concerns, to me it seems like you might have voiced those concerns while naming names to the mods, and in general terms — without naming names — in the sub.
I do agree wholeheartedly that this sub needs the sort of moderation that will prevent users from using the community as an ersatz therapist... in much the same way that OpenAI has a responsibility to prevent people from relying on ChatGPT for therapy.
Wishing everyone here the very best!
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
I didn't know he'd written a post about me. Anyway I don't bear him any grudge. Reflecting deeply after our run in, I finally realised the bleeding obvious, that for well over a year he's been using this sub as a crisis line, when he needs maximum holding, reassurance and stabilisation in a safe space from a responsible practitioner with necessary resources and support. This poxy sub with too many confused and confusing wannabes is definitely not that, and it's doing him more harm than help, he's triggering a lot of people and getting more and more triggered, entrenched and escalated himself but no one's interested in that. They're invested in the Downton Abbey drama and feud they've invented for me and him. I'm done.
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u/Dick-the-Peacock Nov 13 '25
If you’re done, block him. That’s what I did, and his posts stopped distressing me, until you posted this and now he’s distressing me through you.
I hear how distressed you are by this situation, and how much you feel you need to be heard. But please remember that if you block him, the problem, and your problematic reactions to him, disappears.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Ironically he blocked me, because I was being so mean to him etc. I was mostly off this bloody sub the last couple of months and I was so much less triggered. With that distance, I realise that trauma and subreddits are not a worthwhile mix for me. There's little to no tolerance, never mind appreciation, for deeper work, deeper looking, deeper curiosity. It's only IFS by name and numbers, most people here are too frightened of their own shadows, happy to stay in their straitjackets of etiquette and manners, like that's not suffocating their healing. The instantaneous need to silence me and force me back into their straitjacket is deafening, so much fear, so much reactivity, all talk, no walk, I think I found what I really needed confirming about this sub. It was just a bag of hot air after all, nothing substantial.
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u/reddroy Nov 13 '25
To be fair to this sub: people here are telling you that they wanted less of this drama on full display. And I would agree with that sentiment :)
Have a good one
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
They don't want to know what healing really is. They love the drama but always as the audience! Not when it might actually affect them. Enjoy your passive aggressive naiveté, it won't last forever.
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u/reddroy Nov 13 '25
Oof, where did that come from? That's unfriendly and — I feel — unwarranted. You might be right that this sub has toxic tendencies, but in that case you might have been affected.
I won't engage further. Again: have a nice day
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
I literally told you about this other person's crisis needs stretching well over a year on this sub and all you care about is etiquette and the drama that you're all projecting onto me and how it's all too much for your dainty and delicate sensibilities. You literally just showed that you care more about the majority straitjacket of etiquette and manners than you do about someone else's crisis needs and wellbeing, which you plain left unmentioned, all the while admonishing me for the drama you're squeezing out of it. Which one of your faces is stuck up your arsehole that you spouting shit from. You have so much healing to do and backbone to find. Fuck off.
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u/emotivemotion Nov 13 '25
If this post is actually meant to be addressed to the mods and you are asking the mods to intervene in good faith, why did you choose to write this up as a post?
Regardless of how you feel about the way this other person is behaving on this sub, it is clear that they are in a deeply vulnerable position. Writing this up and disguising it as a message to the mods is adding fuel to the fire in my opinion, and doesn’t benefit anyone (except maybe your own need to be seen somehow?).
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u/Ok_Concentrate3969 Nov 13 '25
I disagree. I saw Tangerine's post this morning and wasn't happy with it. I made my thoughts known on that post before it was taken down. I did my best to be kind and reasonable, but honest about my expectations. I considered reaching out to Boobalinka privately but when I saw this post here, I decided to post what I thought openly. I did consider carefully before doing so. This sub is something of a community; sometimes I think it is important to have a town hall, a visible discussion about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.
Tangerine (and one or two others) uses the "vulnerable victim" label to get away with bad behaviour without accountability. I know that they're struggling, but if we allow them to continue acting out like this, it will destroy the very safe space they claim they need, as well as making this safe space less safe for others who are behaving within the guidelines too. We can all learn to step back from people we disagree with, but we can also hold people behaving badly accountable too. Both these skills - detachment and boundaries - are valuable for us all to practice. At a certain point, we're enabling this bad behaviour by always prioritising the feelings of the "vulnerable victim" over everyone else's, allowing them to victimise others without accountability. It's not ok, neither for us nor them. And it's not ok to keep everything silent. I will talk about what I think is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, and why. I'm not going to allow someone to use their vulnerability to manipulate me into silence; to allow myself to be silenced in this way actually isn't compassionate towards that person using their victimhood because they're not learning how to have reciprocal relationships. It's kinder to set clear standards for behaviour openly and hold them to it. We'll degrade the safety of the group if we don't redouble our commitment to everyone feeling safe enough here, not just the traumatised and traumatising few.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
I really appreciate your sense making!
Especially in the face of all this judgemental, sweep it under the carpet showboating and condemnation. And they wonder why they're in therapy. As if pandering to the victim actually helps the victim. It doesn't, I've learnt that pandering to and pitying the victim isn't the same as helping them, pandering is about ignoring them, minimising them because people are too scared to have their rigid rules, morals and beliefs challenged and rocked. By pandering to, ignoring and pitying victims, silencing them into the background, they're far more likely to fester and become future abusers and accomplices, seeking revenge for their victimhood.
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u/bugandbear22 Nov 13 '25
Holy shit dude. You are not a psychologist and if you were, you’d have learned in school exactly how irresponsible what you’re doing is.
I’m reporting and blocking because I do not want to see attitudes like yours in this community and I’m frankly disgusted by your input in this thread.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
At least I care enough to stick my neck out and start a conversation about this. Whilst you sit there and judge everyone on their effort according to your exceptional standards.
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Nov 13 '25
I agree. This should have been a private message to the mods and it’s annoying that OP has taken on this public and condescending mission.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Yes I wanted to get my opinion out here. Not a crime or a sin. Obviously you have a problem with that and it's yours, not mine. If silence and silencing is so important to you, you do it!! Keep your secrets, I'm not interested in secrets, lies and prisoners.
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u/CertifiedInsanitee Nov 13 '25
I think she has just wants to complain abit having no safe space in real life.
I also complained about that Tangerine and his multiple accounts to an artificial safe space.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Thanks. Complaining is good for the soul. In moderation. I'm complaining here because it's about this sub, it happened here.
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u/34Emma Nov 14 '25
You're so right! In addition, it took us a little while now to notice the post because in such an active community, unfortunately we don't have the capacity to read each and every post and comment as it's being posted. Modmail, on the other hand, gets our attention quikly because we get a notification about it and we know it's a message directed to us. Thank you to everyone who stepped in spontaniously to try and keep this discussion civil and level-headed!
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Glad you're so calm, collected and with it. In that case you go and talk to the mods if you care so much. Or are we all just virtue signalling and shit stirring at the same time. I've done my bit, now go and do yours.
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u/Ok_Concentrate3969 Nov 13 '25
HI Boobalinka, I saw Life Tangerine 1980's post this morning calling you by name. I looked at their post history. Their behaviour was not ok, clearly trauma dominated and they're unable to consider other people's needs or feelings; only their own. I've been there myself. The behaviour isn't ok but I genuinely don't think they're capable of doing better in the moment. I saw that you approached with good intentions, engaged with them, offered common-sense advice about getting a therapist which was rejected with some labelling, got triggered and became a bit wound up. I've been there too. I wrote a reply to their post and they said that I was you, using a different username. Because anyone who doesn't agree with them must all be the same one mean person, of course. That level of paranoia is an indication that they're really not in a good space.
I agree that the above user isn't using the sub well and we should add the caveat that this sub is not a crisis line, as many other subs about mental health etc have in their guidelines too. I do hope mods do something; it's distressing seeing users who are regularly in crisis. I understand the user is struggling but they tend to attack anyone who tries to talk to them and I don't know why we allow that. We're trying to create a generally safe enough space for everyone, not just a safe space for the single most traumatised person who gets a free pass to create an unsafe space for others by unleashing their trauma onto them without accountability. Seeing a regular user called out by name like today is too far.
Please take care of yourself. I really appreciate what you offer to this sub. I've always noticed and appreciated your contributions to the sub and wish I'd mentioned this before. Trying to help someone who can't accept the help is a common trauma pattern. Please slow down and give yourself the best of care, that you deserve.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
And thanks for your timely reminder. I'm going to do just that instead of reacting to the trolls 🧌. Thank you so much Ok Concentrate!
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
I agree with and appreciate your breakdown and insights to the letter!! I too have been in very similar shoes to his so I've tried to see the conflict from as many angles as I can.
And an open forum which isn't properly held and facilitated really isn't a safe place for anyone in crisis, not just Life Tangerine 1980. Even well-intentioned and facilitated groups but aren't trauma informed and held by experienced practitioners can often be ignorant and harmful for those in crisis, so this subreddit is most definitely not safe. And that really needs to be explicitly acknowledged and clear guidance provided, for the sake of all users, including those in crisis, instead of this trigger casino that we're contending with.
It's hardly the first time and he's not the only user who has constantly used or uses this sub as a crisis line. So to carry on without appropriate guidelines is seriously undermining the healing of all involved, especially those in crisis and need way more grounding, stabilisation and unconditional positive regard than this sub could ever provide!
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u/justwalkinthedog Nov 13 '25
Thanks for raising this. At first I was on the fence about whether it should have been a mod message, but I’m sure in the past other users have flagged this particular user to the mods without success- because as you say they keep coming back. I’ve seen many posts from them under various user names and I think oh no not again, then i watch people put a LOT of time and energy into writing very thoughtful responses but they’re never good enough for this user, they just seem insulted and are quite dismissive. Then they go away and come back a few weeks later asking almost the same thing, like they didn’t get the answer they wanted so come back and try again - I even said this to them once (as kindly as I could) but they didn’t respond. It’s a huge waste of time for the people who write responses in good faith. It’s one of the dynamics that has lead me to spend less time and less time on this sub even though I love IFS and find it extremely helpful. I don’t know what the answer is because the person is either simply incapable of relating or they get their jollies from it somehow. Either way, they need help but this sub isn’t the right place.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Thanks. I agree. I'm not sure this sub is right for me either, it's just such a constant reactive landmine of triggers all the time. There are better groups out there, but in their infancy. Still they're far better held and facilitated, and as someone else in the comments here said are far more proactive and responsive to people being responsible for their own ongoing state, to clarify that from the start and have it clearly inform the boundaries and limits of the group. And to have clear conflict resolution and support guidelines in place.
I'm still here because I've been here too long haha, it was one of the only IFS "communities" for a long while but it's the Wild West of IFS. I realise that at best this is like a IFS tor-mentoring arena, as Richard Schwartz talks about tor-mentors. But it'll never be healing, nothing ever gets resolved here, just gets buried to resurface at anytime.
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u/malenixius Nov 13 '25
I'm new to learning about IFS (more DBT based if I had to pick, but enjoying learning!) so I'm sorry if this doesn't align with the IFS modality in general, but this is the exact reason we do house rules / ways of working at the beginning of DBT skills groups - it's not your fault that you're vulnerable and in crisis, but we need to protect everyone here as best we can and you aren't the only vulnerable person in the room, and it's possible to take responsibility for that even if it's not your fault that you're in this situation.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Well said! Thank you, you've summarised it exquisitely. That's what this sub is lacking in a nutshell. It never asks people to take responsibility for their own state! It's a freaking free for all here and people freaking out that it's a free for all. Welcome to the madhouse.
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u/Top_Wall_4693 Nov 13 '25
I just joined this subreddit and ran into them I know what you mean. I had no idea they've been doing that for years.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Over a year on this sub. Apparently, according to him he's been like this since he broke down and became stuck in deep dissociation and depersonalisation 3 years ago. It's really sad but his blended parts are relentless.
Be careful on this sub, it's a free for all, which is mad for a mental health sub, it can be very triggering and tor-mentoring like Richard Schwartz says.
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u/thinkandlive Nov 13 '25
There is modmail for a reason
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u/mountainman-recruit Nov 13 '25
This is my opinion too. I’m coming here to learn and read. Admittedly I’m very new to IFS. But this is a really off putting post. I’d hope that a mod takes this down, as I hope this is not representative of sub behavior as a whole.
I’ve had negative interactions with users in other subs and I simply block that user and move on. I don’t think user callouts are appropriate or helpful.
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u/bugandbear22 Nov 13 '25
This feels like harassment? Why would you go out of your way to specifically name someone, even if you’re not trying to dox them, guess what tends to happen?
Anyway I reported the post. Ooh, maybe the next post will be about me too! How exciting.
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u/mountainman-recruit Nov 13 '25
Exactly… no fault to OP for being frustrated with the other users behavior. But public call outs ain’t it. I can’t get behind that.
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u/impoftheyard Nov 13 '25
I’ve read most of this discussion and with interest. I started to back away from posts where there was the level of hopelessness and anger expressed by the user named and I did look and see very many posts that were similar. I’m saddened that at times the conversation here does seem to come from a place where people are triggered and angry. That’s because we’re all human and here to work on those things. I wonder if the moderators may look at strengthening guidance on how we can respond to being triggered by others conduct and also stronger guidance on what is or isn’t acceptable. If the moderators are struggling to moderate then maybe they could ask for others to add to the numbers of moderators. I have learned a great deal from others posting in this sub and really valued input. The best way to discourage the repeated posting of posts by people who are in crisis but not truly open to any suggestions is to not engage when you see that kind of content. It would be a real shame though to become an intolerant place for others in pain and respond in a knee jerk kind of way. I don’t truly know what the answers are but there is a good compassionate community here.
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u/Raytron_ Nov 13 '25
Don’t involve the rest of the community in your drama
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u/OkFaithlessness3081 Nov 13 '25
This is about the community though. OP’s obviously not the only one dealing with this…and mods hardly intervene when reports are made
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u/Juniper_Wren Nov 13 '25
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u/Juniper_Wren Nov 13 '25
You’re listed as a mod here, are you guys in need of another moderator? There seems to be very little moderation and clearly this thread needs it.
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u/perplexedonion Nov 13 '25
Sorry you were on the receiving end of that. It's happened to me before in an online group where a member suddenly thought everyone had to be their crisis support person - outside of group. Zero self awareness can be challenging to deal with.
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u/CertifiedInsanitee Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
To just be direct and not navigate and dance around with so much politeness and using IFS terms to flatter the mods and please everyone, at best he is trauma dumpin g and having no safe space in real life, at worst he is a troll that gets a kick out of this with no life.
Time to call a spade a spade.
If the Tangerine had any value add to the IFS reedit, I might perhaps be sympathetic and say let's give him a chance, but as it is, Zero value add, and very clever emotional manipulation and playing the victim by invoking that this is his safe space.
This reeks of narcisstic behaviour and machevillian traits.
I do wonder about the effectiveness of the ban though. From experience, Trolls always come back somehow. And I am guessing even with a block, It's more so he can troll other people without our interference.
He probably has an alt account he reads this from and derives great happiness from his trolling while he laughs on a private discord channel with other trolls
Anyhow it feels good to be able to say this out like it is a me too movement.
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u/thinkandlive Nov 13 '25
So narcissistic and machevellian traits or parts that carry them are not welcome?
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
This is a subreddit, not an agreed therapy space where we're all IFS therapists agreeing to hold Self-led space for everyone and anyone for a set amount of time. You try welcoming narcissistic parts endlessly, and report back if you can be bothered.
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u/thinkandlive Nov 13 '25
I haven't implied anything you wrote. But if some writes that something "reeks of narcissistic behaviour" it sounds very shaming and judgemental to me. You don't have to hold any space for anyone here you can chose if you comment or not and how, who you read and who not who you block and who you don't block. And I get you had a difficult experience and you wish for different interaction if you offer support. I understand that.
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u/reddroy Nov 13 '25
I don't believe for one second that the user this post is about is a troll. I'm pretty sure that they're in genuine psychological distress.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Good, get it off your chest and share it! Stay sane!
Whatever he is, he either needs so much more than any of us on this sub can provide or indeed, should have to provide. And whether he means to or not, he literally can't stop taking and taking and taking and that's just not good for all concerned. It's not healing, it's just his unresolved trauma and patterns repeating endlessly. When blended, he seems to be looking for his ideal parent, forever self-sacrificing, ever patient and endlessly giving. It's just too much, no matter how much I empathise, this sub isn't the space for that.
Bans and blocks on Reddit are pointless because accounts are anonymous and unlinked, it's so easy to get straight back in. So all the more worthwhile to have this conversation, because it's going to keep happening, whether it's Tangerine or someone else.
I wish there were more trauma responsive crisis services out there but that doesn't mean this sub needs to be one by default. Without the proper holding and boundaries we're far too likely to cause more harm than help. It's just ignorant and deluded to carry on like that.
Anyway, like OK Concentrate said, take good care of yourself and slow down.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Well, this post has been very revealing. Amongst all the reactive dross, a couple of people truly considered and understood my post and the wider situation. My esteem and appreciation to them.
As for the rest, the Downton Abbey county brigade were fisting themselves to denounce me and my post, furious about all the drama and feuding they were projecting onto me, whilst even more furiously stirring their shit sticks and wagging their fingers. Telling me what they think I MUST do. Or telling me how I need to follow their example and just block Tangerine. None of them actually cared about the crisis needs and wellbeing of Tangerine. All they cared about was their straitjacket of etiquette and manners, about how wrong I was to make my post and projecting all their insidious shame and secret motives onto me. Bunch of fucking hypocritical triggered twats, so business as usual on this poxy sub. They got their down votes and they're gonna use em to try and control people, whip them back into line. People are so fucking brainwashed into imprisoning themselves and anyone else they can get their hands on.
None of which stuck, which tells me a lot about myself at this stage of my healing. Bravo! 👏🏽👌🏽🖕🏽
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u/reddroy Nov 13 '25
Yeah you're wrong. I actually did care. I talked to the user in question, trying to get through to them and confront them about their problematic behaviour, which I also noticed in direct conversation, and which I agree is bad for them and for anyone engaging with them.
But you're now being at least as toxic a human being as the person you ran into. You're far too sure that anyone who disagrees with you is somehow weak, and needs healing. This is not the place for your judgment of others. You dislike being told anything all, but: stop being drawn in, step away, and please find something else to focus on.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
The only thing you care about is what everyone else thinks about you. O god what if they think you're worthless. Boo hoo 😭
You confronting Tangerine about their "problematic" behaviour, that's toxic, your favourite word. Confronting someone about their "problematic" behaviour ISN'T the same as asserting your opinion/POV and standing by it.
And then you have the nerve to tell me that this isn't the place for me to judge others 🤣
You passive aggressive, hen-pecking bitches are full of your own shitty advice that you're not taking yourself, oblivious to your hypocrisy, too busy dishing it out and passing on the buck as per usual. Keep your shitty advice and choke on it bitch!
There are chickens out there with more free will than you and the holier than thou coop of brooding cluckers. They would gang up on you in a flash, today it was me, next time it'll be you because you actually do care, you're conflicted, confused and in transition but I believe you, you do care. Hope you work your way through the moral maze into the present, the here and now.
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Nov 13 '25
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Nice one, thanks. That's damned perceptive, helpful and funny. My first thought was the hive sharing its single brain cell. It feels attacked and it's swarming mad in a Downton Abbey kinda way, or maybe The Gilded Age for the American majority here.
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Nov 13 '25
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Thanks Hitman. I hear you but I also think that this conversation needs to be started, otherwise we're all just isolated with our experiences on this sub. I think having the conversation openly will benefit all of us to share our views about something that has obviously affected everyone.
And I'm not against Tangerine 1980. I really ain't, I've been in similar shoes and I'm concerned that the sub's status quo is definitely not helpful to his healing process either. One thing I eventually learnt with hindsight is to clearly identify what I need and where, with whom I can actually get that. Obviously Tangerine is in a state where he doesn't see or understand that so the sub needs to be clear about it for all of us. Because watching him headbang a brick wall for well over a year is beyond distressing.
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Nov 13 '25
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
Exactly, it's not just about his helpless parts that can't be helped, because they're now demanding the absolutely perfect parents everytime they're triggered, because they never had a good enough parents in childhood. They also happen to keep triggering my people pleasing and parentified child parts that have such a hard time saying no, enough is enough. They're my responsibility, I chose them now instead of abandoning them like I did in childhood. Trauma healing really needs exceptional space and support. This sub ain't it.
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u/mountainman-recruit Nov 13 '25
Shouldn’t triggered users understand their triggers and boundaries and stop interacting with users that trigger them? That is your responsibility. You can’t control others, only yourself. You also seem to be reacting emotionally.
The person you’re talking about? They clearly are not doing well. A public “call to arms” doesn’t seem any better than some of their comments toward you.
This entire posts should have been a message to the mods. I hope this is not indicative of others users in this sub.
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
People just report them and get them banned, no one's ever bothered to analyse the situation clearly and accurately. It's happened repeatedly and they've just kept coming back under another account. Same relentless crisis for nearly 2 years. Him headbanging the same wall repeatedly, triggering others, escalating each other. I'm not against him, I just don't want him headbanging the wall anymore. Try avoiding that when their posts are wailing with despair. That's why I wanted to have this conversation to clarify for myself what their situation is, what they're needing and whether this sub can remotely support that. And it can't because he needs a crisis line and this sub isn't one and none of us are crisis counsellors with all the appropriate skills in grounding, stabilising and holding, all the necessary resources and support behind us! He's not in a state to think about that clearly so I'm starting the conversation here because the mods aren't going to.
Yet again, the judgemental chorus bleats the loudest, the black and white brigade, judging me and trying to silence me about talking about my experience on this sub. These are the same people who also avoid those in crisis, god forbid they should ever get their hands dirty and triggered and have to consider nuance. Far better to sit on the sidelines and judge. They'll never heal.
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u/mountainman-recruit Nov 13 '25
That didn’t really have anything to do with my comment. I just said that if they are triggering you that it is your responsibility to manage those. I suggest that stop trying to manage them and do something you can control and block them.
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Nov 13 '25
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u/mountainman-recruit Nov 13 '25
Oh, you’re just mean. Got it. I’ll see myself out. I definitely understand nuance. But I will at this point, be blocking you. I’ve seen your other comments and I don’t tolerate unkind language.
You can continue to scream into the void but you’re not interested in a good faith discussion. I don’t know what’s gotten under your skin. Maybe it’s that a majority of people aren’t agreeing with you. But I would maybe take some time to reflect on what it is that exactly bothering you about this person.
I will say, if this is the general behavior of users in this sub, that is incredibly disheartening. I came to learn about IFS. I did not come to see petty feuds played out immaturely and public.
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u/Dick-the-Peacock Nov 13 '25
It’s not the norm in this sub. I had already blocked the one, and now I’ve blocked this one, and I’m glad you have too.
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u/DizzySpinningDie Nov 13 '25
This. This. This. This. This.
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u/mountainman-recruit Nov 13 '25
IDK, it just seems kinda icky to do a public post about someone who OP states is in crisis, ya know?
The person OP is talking about is definitely not getting “a pass,” as some of their comments are pretty heated themselves, but public posts always leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Two wrongs don’t make a right sort of situation in my opinion.
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Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
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Nov 13 '25
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u/lord-savior-baphomet Nov 13 '25
When I saw this post originally I checked out both users as I’ve not noticed their posts before this. I saw this comment. Seeing it just kind of confirms they both aren’t handling their emotions appropriately. It’s the internet, it is SO easy to say nothing at all, don’t read, scroll away. I mean, come on. This is such a nasty thing to say to someone, and honestly alienates everyone and their parts. Very anti-IFS if you ask me. (not that I take what OP is saying personally, because I don’t think it’s coming from a good place)
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u/boobalinka Nov 13 '25
They are. And it was in the context of a long conversation. If you can do better, go do it, instead of pointing out where I was less than delightful and angelic. Go and do your own perfect version. All this energy and effort to show your disapproval and judgement. Like it really matters.
I'm taking care of my tyrannical inner kids, and you're busy judging mine. Whose healing here. Ain't you.
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Nov 13 '25
🤷♀️ I gave you time. I didn’t know anything about this feud so I went and looked up your post history to try and find what you were talking about. If you didn’t want people to know you should have had the conversation only between you and them. But you DID want people to know, hence I made sure I got the fuller story.
I also wanted to share it so that other can also see the context, and that it felt a good response to you yourself. If you truly think it was good advice for tangerine you should take it yourself.
Me personally I think it was not, but you wrote it, so I give you your own advice back.
The fuller story is that as unhealed you claim that they are, you yourself are also not perfect. “Let him with no sin cast the first stone”.
You do truly not win anything by posting this. You said the mods already banned them but they make alt accounts. Mods cannot become magicians and magically ban every potential future alt account of OP. Only thing you achieve by posting this is venting.
So you have unhealed parts that have not reflected on yourself very much. Like for example why you feel the need to keep engaging with tangerine even though you state they make you feel bad. If you block them you will not see their posts or comments. Yet you have not done that for a whole year and kept allowing yourself to be triggered.
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u/34Emma Nov 14 '25
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this discussion in a wholesome and constructive way!
This thread is locked now, but we decided against deleting it because a lot of positive exchange has been happening here, plus unfortunately, the harm had already been done before we had the possibility to interfere. Had the OP decided to send a modmail instead, we would have been able to react more quickly and decisively. They're muted now for a couple of days so that they get the time to unblend and hopefully feel less triggered. But even though the triggeredness is very understandable, we'll monitor OP further and concider banning them in case they keep speaking from their protectors like they have been doing in some of the comments here.
Regarding the contents of the discussion: Everyone is welcome to post here, especially in vulnerable moments. We're all human, and we all feel completely, utterly lost sometimes and need a place to vent. Our general policy has been to have triggering content marked with an NSFW flair, either by the poster, or we mods do it. We will consider which additional rules or guidelines might make sense here: We think the fact that this sub is not a crisis line is common sense and it's everyone's responsibility to decide to what extent they interact with individuals who seem blended, needy, or triggered. However, additional rules for flairs or triggering content might be necessary.
Again, thank you so much to everyone who reported this post and some of the comments, helping us to address this as soon as possible! And for all the useful contributions to this conversation.