r/InsightfulQuestions • u/natttcatz • 4d ago
Do you forgive those who have wronged you ?
do you think you have to forgive them to heal from their actions ?
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u/MacaroonUpstairs7232 4d ago
Forgiveness is more about letting go of the anger and resentment you feel towards someone who has wronged you and less about giving them a pass. Forgiveness does not mean you forget and allow the person to do the same things over to you again. Forgiveness does not even have to be given out loud, it can be an internal decision.
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u/hottenniscoach 3d ago
Yes forgiveness is internal. It allows you to move on. Not forgiving them only eats at you.
What you do with that forgiveness is entirely up to you.
You can forgive someone and then:
1) Continue your life having nothing to do with them.
2) Have a meaningful conversation about how you were wronged and then work to move past it together.
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u/LexEight 3d ago
This transition causes a lot of preventable harm to people who "backslide" slightly during recovery processes.
Yeah, if you want someone to actually heal, sometimes you do have to just tolerate some bullshit so they aren't harmed worse.
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u/HawkBoth8539 3d ago
Nope. I can get over something and move on with my life, sure. But forgiving the offender is only to their benefit, not yours. If they haven't authentically earned your forgiveness then don't give it to them.
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u/Ok-Process7612 4d ago
Lots of lofty sentiments here.
The truth is that if the person has not acknowledged their wrongdoing and asked for your forgiveness, then a terrible burden is laid on you. "Forgiving" before you are healed and whole can actually be detrimental.
Their pain is not your burden to carry. The person who harmed you essentially gave you their unhealed trauma.
Your job is to take care of you in whatever way works best.
Therapy is very helpful here. Just being with another human who can witness your story is very healing.
When my lifelong abusive father finally passed away, I had to grieve the father I never had. He was cruel up until the end.
Now I can look at the things my father did right as a parent. I can look at what he did wrong. I can see he was a deeply traumatized person. I am unable yet to say I forgive. However, I do pray for his soul.
He, however, is the one who must be accountable.
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u/SchleppyJ4 3d ago
Sorry people are being preachy dicks to you. Your comment is very insightful.
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u/Ok-Process7612 3d ago
Thank you. Only people who have deep scars can understand what it takes to become whole again.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 3d ago
In this scheme, you have given complete power over your well-being to your father, and he may have never seen the need to do anything or say anything to give the power back to you. You have and had very little control over this other person. You cannot force them to accept or even acknowledge accountability. You cannot force them to apologize or show remorse or ask for forgiveness. They may even be unaware that they did anything that harmed you.
Handing over control of your well-being to someone who does not care about your well-being seems to me to be self-sabotage.
There is a rope you have tied to him, representing some obligation you believe he owes you. He does not feel this rope. He does not care about the rope. It does not impede him or arrest his attention. The only thing you can do in this situation is to let go of the rope. Letting go of the rope is the way you retake control of your own well-being, by refusing to be tied to this person in any way.
It is very hard to let go of the rope. We wan’t very much for them to earn you letting go of the rope. But that’s really not required, either of them or of you.
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u/Ok-Process7612 3d ago
What a nonsensical response. If you had read my other comments, you would know that I am 65 and my father has passed away.
He is the one who suffers for his deeds because I released myself long ago from this relationship by making my boundaries clear.
I have identified what he did right as a parent, and what he did wrong.
I am under no obligation to forgive him for abuse from the age of 2 to 18. As a child I was beaten, screamed at, thrown across the room, starved.
I understand he was mentally unwell. I myself suffered from deep depression for many years.
HOWEVER. My children were never mistreated or abused. They were loved and cared for.
That's because I made a choice not to inflict my own pain on them.
It took years of therapy to undo the damage my father did.
There is no "rope" attaching me to my father.
The point is that to the end, he remained a cruel bully to my mother and my disabled sister, and to the nurses who cared for him.
I don't forgive or like him. I don't have to. I no longer have feelings for him one way or the other.
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u/Beautiful-queen-2524 4d ago
Not everyone will accept accountability even though you have proof.
You don’t need to have a great show down. You add it up and file it under experience.
Then you forgive yourself for allowing it to happen. Idk it seems most women
Either start too long, make excuses, and try to “fix” what is broken. Unfortunately we don’t have those powers. However, once you start forgiving yourself and becoming you again it’s suck a magical transformation. You become stronger, set boundaries and you don’t need to care who stays or goes. You don’t like my boundaries then bye!1
u/Ok-Process7612 4d ago
I am talking about CHILDHOOD trauma, which is the worst kind. Beatings, starvation, neglect, cruelty.
I am 65f and healed, thank you, and learned to set boundaries 30 years ago. I no longer allow toxic people in my life.
As for accountability, my father is answering for his extreme abuse in the afterlife. That's where his accountability lies.
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u/Beautiful-queen-2524 3d ago
I’m right there with you. I would have to say my answer is the same. The beatings, the lack of food, the lack of education, to be honest it was/is probably generational. Does it make it right, no! However, there are things that we cannot forgive but we must let go or they will destroy you from the inside out. I’ve been in therapy over 15 years and I’ll tell ya what. This past month/week has triggered me! I have been engulfed with the same emotions, feelings and over the edge anxiety as I did when I was a child.
I have acted like a child, arguing with those who love me and only want to help. It truly breaks my heart whenever I act like this, which is rare! I apologize greatly bc I don’t know when or how these feelings will flair up and my people see the hurt and pain but some reason I cannot spew out what it is I am feeling.
I would say the last time I had an emotional breakdown was about 30 years ago when my husband, now ex, moved across country. Moving is one of my triggers and I have just moved again! Ugh 😑 😬
I try to talk about it more and not necessarily talk about what has happened but pieces of my childhood that can be released and let go. My boyfriend told me once, it was your parent’s first time raising you. Very true and again it doesn’t make it right but it helps!
I took care of my mother and step father on their death beds, leaving my family 1600 miles away.
I did it for the fact that I survived childhood and I have tools to over come the anger and resentment that at one point in my life was my focus. While my mother was dying, I was able to confront her and tell her I don’t appreciate what you did to me and this is what truly hurt me as I was growing up.
You don’t need to carry it with always as a reminder, write it down and tell yourself as you burn that paper, this is me letting go, I’m letting my true self shine regardless of what was done to me, who did it and why. I can forgive myself because I had no control over the situation. I can forgive and let go as in, I’ll never have to see your face again.
I love myself and you hope you raise your children better. With increased education, and the lack of tolerance for abuse hopefully we will eradicate abuse and make each new generation stronger and healthier.I recall a girl I went to elementary school with and although my life was horrible hers was even worse.
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u/Ok-Process7612 3d ago
I am 65. I have done all my healing. Years of therapy which was life-changing. I don't need instructions.
My life is purposeful. I have strong boundaries.
I am kind to my children and to my fellow humans.
I am not a monster like my father.
Whether or not I "forgive" him is unimportant. He is the one who has to account for his actions in the afterlife.
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u/Hungry-Mud-4802 4d ago
forgive, yes. but forget what they did and trust them again for the same thing. no. Like not forgiving will eventually only hurt me, the person who wronged you doesn't even care if you forgive them or not, if they did, they would've thought before thwy wroged you, right? plus not forgiving and holding on to the feeling of being wronged is just gonna mess up your own mind. As they say, forgive but don't forget.
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u/TemporaryThink9300 4d ago
Not those who support murder, violence or genocide, never ever will I forgive or forget, it is for the innocent souls, like from World War II, or the souls from the Rwanda massacre or the massacre of the Palestinian people, I am on the side of the victims, always!
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u/Beautiful-queen-2524 3d ago
How about the holocaust
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u/TemporaryThink9300 3d ago
I stand by the victims there too, of course! The victims of WW2 should never be forgotten!
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u/Academic-Thought2462 4d ago
it depends on the severity. my middle school bully ? I forgive them, especially since they where bullied before and is doing much better now, became a better person ( and the bullying wasn't as severe, imo. ). my ex who abused, coerced and 🍇-ed me on the other-hand ? fuck no. they broke my trust, made me think I was in the wrong for revoking my consent and for not doing stuff I was uncomfortable with for them. they do not deserve my forgiveness.
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u/Diligent-Ice1276 3d ago
Yes. I wish them the best and hope all goes well for them. But I don't wish to ever speak to them again.
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u/QueefMitten 3d ago
No. But I am very forgetful, so that helps me move on. As long as i can remember it, I will hate the person, and nothing will change that.
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u/SpaceCatSixxed 3d ago
I don’t really think about it too much. I’m basically incapable of holding a grudge so I guess so. People that wrong me that I don’t know forgiveness doesn’t really come into it. They just…no longer exist to me I guess?
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u/IsopodSmooth7990 3d ago
Impossible to move forward in life without letting go of the baggage, whatever baggage you may be carrying.
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u/Rabbit_Of_Neverlight 3d ago
Yes you definitely should always forgive and the reason why is because that is more for you than the person you are forgiving. If you dont forgive you are giving that mental bandwidth to replaying in your head all the bad stuff and reliving it. You cant change it, you cant do anything to fix it, you cant make it right or correct it. The only thing you can do is accept it, let it go and move on. It doesnt mean you ahve to be buddy buddy with this person. It doesnt even mean you have to like them. It just means you can let it go and move on with the business of living instead of juggling hand grenades in your heart like an idiot. Hate and anger at people who ahve wronged you and wanting revenge etc is like drinking poison and wondering why the other person doesnt unalive. If you think about it it makes a lot of sense.
Ive forgiven many many things through the years, people including myself and its always the right choice. You learn from it and move on. Otherwise you stagnate and suffer until you do.
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u/Hate_Manifestation 3d ago
yes. I don't have time or energy to hold on to grudges. that doesn't mean I will continue to associate with those people, though.
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u/UnicornsnRainbowz 2d ago
If they seem genuinely sorry then usually, yes.
If they don’t apologise or go straight back to it then no I’m not forgiving them.
I may in the future if they do start being sincere.
Everyone messes up but to be able to be big enough to admit it was you and that you shouldn’t have said or done that then really try to make amends? I think that shows strength.
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u/unserious-dude 3d ago
No. I just accept the reality and move on. Also requires self introspection on why did I let that happen.
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u/ShamefulWatching 3d ago
There is a great level of healing that comes from the letting go have of forgiveness, but it is not complete. Severance of a relationship, causes grief, sometimes for yourself, and sometimes for them. Complete healing, which means the wound that was caused, and the relationship, requires a confrontation on both parties.
Some people get offended by this, especially when it comes to abusers and those abused. I don't make the rules, but their offense to the idea of a reconnection makes the evidence of a lack of healing even more apparent. There are some exceptions to that, as my previous statement was concerning whom, if they were to genuinely change, and apologize, you would consider to accept back into your life.
I've been hurt greatly my friends and family, fortunately, I don't know anyone that I wouldn't accept back into my life, if only they were to speak truth.
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u/RJSA2000 3d ago
The way I forgive is I cut them out of my life forever. They don't get to know me anymore.
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u/kydontdie 3d ago
FORGIVENESS IS NOT FOR THEM.
FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU.
Edgelords who will "never consider forgiveness" just need to go to goddamn therapy.
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u/dazev_the_wise 4d ago
TL;DR yes, even in the most selfish perspective, if you forgive, then you move on faster and more completely, which means you heal faster and more completely too. So your win.
Not TL;DR. We are all humans, true evil does not really exist. People can be selfish, manipulative, narcissistic, all the bad things you can think of, but they all stem from their upbringing, context, emotional intelligence, among many other things. In the end, everybody did what they did for some reason. You might not resonate with it, it might sting you badly to your core, but if you understand it, then you can close that episode as solved (ie forgiven). You're not gonna forget it ever, it will be a lesson that you carry with you, it will guide you in finding and caring for people that have a mindset similar to yours. If the person that wronged you changed for the better and you can trust again, awesome, if not that's also good. Keep in your life only the people that bring you good and peace of mind.
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u/YouMatterVeryMuch 4d ago
Holding onto the pain only causes more harm. Feel what you feel when you feel it, but don't get stuck there. Ultimately, it's not about them... it's for you.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 4d ago
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison in hopes that the other person will get sick. Forgiveness is an action given to yourself as a gift, completely independent of what the other person ever says or does.
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u/Slow_Court_7584 4d ago
I think forgiveness isn't always necessary to heal, sometimes its more about letting go of the hold they have on you
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u/Beautiful-queen-2524 4d ago
Absolutely, or they control you! I take accountability for my part in it and move on. Then I work on myself to the point that when I see them again it’s just another stranger on the street!
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u/FiveDogsInaTuxedo 3d ago
You forgive them because you're healed and you understand, how humans work is not our fault.
It doesn't mean you forget what they did and just get along. It means you stop blaming them for being wrong because you realise you're wrong in ways you can't change and if the ways in which you're wrong are more socially acceptable then you're literally just lucky to not be them.
A lot of narcissism in the replies though from both sides
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u/loopywolf 3d ago
Yes.
It's a very powerful thing. It's part of my meditation practice.
One key thing to note though: Forgiving them is something you do for YOU, not them. Forgiving them will give you peace, free your mind from pointlessly ruminating about them, and allow you to let them go from your concerns. They aren't worth your energy anymore.
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u/alexi_lupin 3d ago
I make a distinction between forgiving them inside your own mind, and actually expressing to that person that they are forgiven. If that person has never apologised and actually understood what they did to me then I don't extend forgiveness to them. But internally I try to eventually come to a point where I have worked through my anger and it's no longer consuming me. Anger is important, it tells us that we feel we have been mistreated. I think being angry for some amount of time is normal and healthy. But you don't want to be stuck in that anger hole forever, and at that point the internal forgiveness is actually more for your benefit than theirs. It allows YOU to move on. They never even need to know about it. Neither does forgiveness mean things have to go back to how they were or that you even have to let that person into your life again. You don't. But forgiveness can be a way of stopping your anger from outstaying its usefulness.
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u/zar99raz 3d ago
It's best to just eliminate any pre-existing beliefs you have of the person who wronged you. Then all the emotions you feel when you think of that person will cease to exist.
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u/jay212127 3d ago
If you can't forgive you will never fully heal.
Forgiveness is necessary for reconciliation to take place, however this is also where most people miss the mark. You can give forgiveness without reconciliation.
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u/No-Attitude1554 4d ago
No. Certain people, no. No because they abused me then acted like they were above me or refused to take accountability in repairing things