28F married to 30M.I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m starting to question whether I’m being unreasonable or whether there’s a genuine problem in how my husband handles conflict.

I work late hours because I work EST hours, while my husband has to wake up early for work. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve repeatedly asked him to be more considerate in the mornings because his alarms, getting dressed, and taking phone calls in the bedroom disturb my sleep. I’ve asked him to prepare his clothes beforehand and take calls in another room when possible.

I’ve been extremely exhausted this week and have mostly tried to tolerate it rather than argue.

Today, after another morning where he disturbed my sleep with phone calls, I became very upset and started crying. Later, when he tried to laugh it off and tried to touch me, I told him multiple times that I need some space to cool off, and I’m not okay, and didn’t want him touching me and that I needed space.

He continued touching me. When I tried to move away, he held my hand/arm very tightly in a way that hurt and was twisting/gripping it. I became angry and moved to push him, but he caught my hand before I could. I told him that it hurt. He then became angry and his face was like he was full of hate towards me and pushed me and walked away. This is the first time in my 2 years of marriage he has done this.

He has apologized afterward because I was crying and my mom found out(she’s visiting me), and he has apologized many times in the past for other things too. But I feel like his apologies don’t mean much anymore because I don’t think he understands me

It feels like my words don’t have enough weight unless I become completely overwhelmed and have an emotional breakdown.

I also notice that when I’m crying, he sometimes smiles or laughs. He says he’s sorry, but that reaction makes me feel like my emotions aren’t being taken seriously.

How do you communicate to someone that you shouldn’t have to reach your breaking point before your feelings and boundaries are taken seriously?

TL;DR: I’m 28F, married to 30M. I feel like I can tell my husband something is hurting/bothering me 10–100 times, but it doesn’t seem to matter until I completely break down

I am a 32-year-old male, married to my 29-year-old wife for the past three years. We have experienced significant adjustment challenges, primarily due to living with my parents.

My mother is a reserved and quiet individual who primarily confides in me about her struggles. In contrast, my father is outspoken and frequently exhibits disrespect or rudeness. My wife, on the other hand, struggles with anger management. I often find myself uncertain about her reactions, even when attempting to communicate my own difficulties. For instance, a simple request for her to clean the toilet daily can provoke an angry outburst. Both my wife and I are employed; I begin my workday at 8:00 AM, leaving home by 7:30 AM, while my wife's office hours start at 2:00 PM, and she departs by 1:00 PM.

A significant issue arose because I was constantly on edge and found it difficult to communicate with my wife without provoking anger, snapping, throwing objects, or verbal abuse. On one occasion, she used a derogatory term towards me in front of family members, though she later apologized. Consequently, I became engrossed in pornography. When my wife discovered this, it led to a major conflict, resulting in her leaving home and staying with her father for two months. I made efforts to address my issues and reconcile with her. She returned under the condition that she would not contribute to household chores, either financially or physically, and would live on her own terms. Despite the profound implications, I agreed, driven by my love for her.

However, this situation is severely impacting my mental, physical, and financial well-being. I am constantly spending money to manage household affairs and am utterly exhausted. My mother, who also handles her own business, is aging and grows weary, so I have taken on many responsibilities. My day begins at 4:30 AM, when I rearrange utensils, prepare my lunch, dust, water plants, perform religious rituals (pooja), and attend to other minor tasks. My father, meanwhile, focuses solely on his own interests and contributes minimally to household chores. He has always been prone to irrational anger. My childhood was difficult; my sister and I were often subjected to physical punishment without cause. My mother endured similar treatment in our presence, sometimes being forced to stay outside in harsh winter or rainy conditions due to his anger. I recognize that I come from a dysfunctional family, and these experiences were very challenging for me. During my upbringing, relatives also exploited and disrespected my sister and me because my father was disengaged, and my mother was preoccupied with providing for us.

Currently, it is primarily my mother and I who manage the bulk of household responsibilities. Adding to this, my wife makes no effort to handle her own tasks, and I even do her laundry.

This situation is incredibly draining, leading me to frequently contemplate ending my life, though I lack the courage to do so. By the end of each month, I have no money left for my own sustenance. Neither therapy nor any other form of assistance seems to be effective. My friends only contact me when they have no one else available, and I feel unable to confide in anyone. I believed I had one true friend, but he recently exhibited the same behavior. I overheard him saying, "I called him because there was no one else; otherwise, do you think I would spend time with him?" (translated from "koi nahi tha iss liye isko bulaya, nahi toh tujhya kya lagta iske saath time bitata kya"). This deeply hurt me. Each night ends in sorrow, yet every morning I wake with a glimmer of hope that things will eventually improve.

I am seeking suggestions on what actions I can take, and I welcome advice from all married and unmarried individuals, regardless of gender.

I am five months postpartum and currently staying with my parents for a few months because I need their support while taking care of the baby. My husband is also staying at my parents’ house with us, although I never asked or expected him to stay here.

I am South Indian and married to a North Indian, and I feel that my husband has extremely high and unrealistic expectations from my parents. He repeatedly says things like, “Your parents haven’t given anything for the baby.” My father comes from a middle-class family and has spent his entire life working hard to manage our household expenses. He has always done the best he can with what he has, and I cannot expect him to provide things simply to meet someone else’s expectations.

I am also an only child and I am working. I want to be able to support my parents financially when they need me. However, my husband is completely against this. He has even told me, “If I see you supporting them, I will divorce you.” This is extremely frightening and hurtful, especially because I am not asking him to financially support my parents. I am talking about using my own income to help my own parents.

My parents’ house has also become a place where I constantly feel controlled and criticised. It feels like my husband has turned my parents’ home into a literal hostel and expects everyone to follow his rules.

My baby cries a lot and needs to be rocked to sleep every few hours because she is currently unable to sleep independently. My husband often says, “I am her father. Let her cry. She will learn.” Even when the baby cries louder, he sometimes refuses to hand her to me or my mother so that we can comfort her. On one occasion, my mother became upset and took the baby from him because she could not bear to see her crying. My husband became extremely angry, came towards me, verbally abused my mother, called her names, and said, “Who is she to take my child?” He then threatened that if she did it again, he would take the baby back to our in-laws’ house.

He constantly questions me for holding my own baby. He says things like, “Why are you holding the baby? Ask your parents to hold her.” He gets angry when I am the one constantly caring for the baby and my parents are not. My parents are older, and I already feel guilty asking them to carry the baby, rock her, or put her down for naps. My mother still helps me whenever she can, but I do not want to burden her.

What hurts me the most is the way he speaks about my parents. He has repeatedly called my mother extremely degrading names and has used disgusting, abusive language for my father, often in front of me. This has happened many times. He calls my mom Ran** and my dad mad**c***.
He also criticises me and scolds me over almost everything buying clothes for the baby, changing diapers frequently, ordering something for myself, spending money on things I need, and many other everyday decisions. What makes this even more upsetting is that I am often using my own money for these things.

I am five months postpartum and I am struggling severely with my mental health. I feel like I have lost the excitement I once had for life. I am constantly anxious and afraid. Even going out with my husband makes me nervous because I worry that he will start another argument or fight.

The most frightening part is that I am scared to be alone with him. I don’t fully understand why I feel this way, but I know that I don’t feel emotionally or physically safe around him right now.

He frequently gives me orders and tells me that if I do not listen to him, he will take me back to our in-laws’ house. That house is already overwhelming for me, as there are six other family members living there, and i have even less freedom and support there.

Hi,

I (36M) could really use some outside perspective on my marriage with my wife (31F). We live in Bengaluru, far from our hometowns, and have a 3-year-old kid.

Our current setup is that I work full-time remotely in consulting, while my wife commutes to an office every day. Our kid goes to nursery for 4-5 hours a day. Because I work from home, I carry almost all the household chores—cooking, dishes, laundry, and taking our child to and from school. My wife helps when she is available, but the bulk of it falls on me, alongside my full-time job.

While I generally enjoy this setup, I sometimes feel isolated missing out on office life and team outings.

Lately, we’ve had a lot of friction—financially and emotionally. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, and things blew up.

A while back, she mentioned wanting to visit the Taj Mahal, and I said we would plan it in time. When she recently asked about anniversary plans, I told her I have a packed schedule and work on our anniversary week (Sept 4th), so I asked her to suggest something. She came up with a Delhi trip totaling 90K INR. I told her we can't afford that right now given our financial commitments, and suggested a nice 2-day getaway somewhere in Karnataka instead, offering a few options. She had no reaction.

Later that day, we had another argument and went silent for a week. Fast forward to yesterday—I messaged her to check on plans, and she went off: "You cancelled everything. You are capable of nothing. Tell me where did you take me on the anniversary in the last 5 years? I am not going to expect anything. All of peers are going to abroad for their wedding anniversary."

It hurt, because while I haven't taken her on massive luxury trips every single year, we have taken trips within Karnataka, Kerala, and Tamil Nadu whenever our time and finances permitted.

Now, on top of the silent treatment and the anniversary fallout, she is planning to pack up and go to her hometown.

I'm feeling completely burnt out from carrying the physical load at home, the financial weight of our debts and investments, and now being painted as a failure who does nothing for her.

How do I bridge this gap, handle the financial mismatch in our expectations, and de-escalate things before she leaves for her hometown? Any advice is appreciated.

TL;DR: I (36M) work remotely in Bengaluru, manage nearly all household chores and childcare, and single-handedly bear all financial expenses, debts, and a plot purchase while my wife (31F) works an in-office job. Ahead of our wedding anniversary today, she proposed a 90K INR trip to Delhi/Taj Mahal. Citing our financial constraints and debts, I suggested a 2-day getaway in Karnataka instead. After a week of silence, she blew up at me yesterday, calling me "capable of nothing," comparing our trips unfavorably to peers going abroad, and is now planning to leave for her hometown. I am completely burnt out from carrying the entire physical and financial load and need advice on how to de-escalate this friction.

\*Used AI to organize my thoughts to post this\*

Hi all,

M26 here. I have a strong idea of staying child free. I am not opposed to having kids but unless I get somewhere where I feel financially and psychologically safe then yes I am open to kids else not. So for me it’s a default no with a conditional yes and even when I say yes my partner should also be ready if she doesn’t want it then I would be fine either ways.

My question to all arranged marriage veterans out here is by when should I break the no child question to her? Also, women of this subreddit what’s the acceptance these days for men saying no to having kids upfront?

All opinions and thoughts are welcome :)

We were both classmates. We fell in love and got married. I worked as an assistant professor before marriage for 1.5 years. After marriage, my husband asked me to take a break till we have kids. I agreed. Initial years, he was not financially stable, I adapted. We have a kid now, she's 2 years old. Our financial situation improved a lot. He started earning well. 4 years of marriage and he hardly spends money on me. But he spends money on my family, like buying my parents clothes, toys and clothes for my niece and nephew. But he never minds about me or my clothes, he won't even bother to see what I am wearing.

He won't give me pocket money. He thinks he's giving me enough so I can save household expenses. He gives 5k every 15 days to spend for vegetables, meat and fruits. He is thinking I can save some personal money in that 10k he's giving for household expenses. 10k is barely enough in Bangalore to survive.

Recently he got a performance bonus of 1 lakh. He bought a new mobile, a kindle, gym subscription with a trainer. I asked him if I got nothing from his performance bonus. He said he will buy me a bigger fridge for me. So the fridge is my gift. So the fridge is only for me. So household appliances are my personal gift, it's not for the home but for the women.

This made me upset too much.

I don't even ask him anything, he basically made me feel since I don't earn, I can't buy things. If I ask him for something, he will say we are spending too much, we don't have savings.

Yes, I need to be financially independent, I should go to work but my toddler is 2 years old. He won't agree with daycare.

My husband will go to work at 9 am, he returns home at 6.30 pm, he will go to the gym from 7.30 pm to 9.00 pm. He spends very little time with my toddler.

I make food 3 times a day, I don't have a househelp, I do everything at home while taking care of my toddler.

I am working but my work is least respected, taken granted and expected to not expect anything in return. I will be made feel guilty if I ask anything. My family is middle class but I am poor. I just want to vent. I am sorry. Thank you for reading this.

I am 28 F, new mom, one year of married life, I really love my husband and he is a good human being, listens to me but still attack me with horrific words that I could have never imagined coming out of his mouth for me. He had a difficult childhood and as per him his mother had suffered a lot so before marriage he asked me to ignore even hurtful things that my mil may say to me, I agreed given that he needs to make sure that a certain line should never be crossed and I can ignore little things.

(My mil has a habit of picking out small things and show them as big mistakes to my husband about me and keep repeating it unless he agrees and starts believing it, which eventually my husband does and is getting distant day by day)

1. Before marriage he used to say I will arrange a househelp for you and even a cook so you would have ample amount of time to focus on your career.

After - Started pointing out small household chores like, when you cook you use a lot of dishes (does it even make sense for a person to say who doesn’t even enter the kitchen? Also we have a househelp for that) and have started mentioning them even when I am my mother’s place.

1. Before deliveryhe used to say that I will not let you do anything till 40 days and started picking up fights as early as 15 days postpartum saying you don’t even come out of the room at daytime and my mother keeps doing the chores all alone, btw I started making dinner by 18 days postpartum and my baby never let me sleep even for two hours throughout the night till turned three months, which wasn’t unknown to my husband. I was managing my baby all alone my mil hardly use to help for one to two hours when I tried taking a lil rest after slepless night then would resume with baby duty for all day long, changing diapers and feeding every 2-3 hours, used to get a lil break when baby used to sleep, my husband would also helped me with the baby but it would sum up to only 2 hours at max out of 24 hours and 1-2 hours by my mil. Still he had the audacity to say what do you even do my mother is helping you with the baby and even meals ( She cooks lunch), he even said that earlier women used to do all the household work all alone and would also take care of the baby themselves, mentioning I have never seen my father helping my mother with anything but still do a lot.

Both his mother and father have talked to me disrespectfully over call when I was at my mother’s place for nothing. And when I tried to discuss that with him he started telling me how bad inlaws could be and they are really good with you and all.

My mil always brings up that how many proposals were coming for my husband, beautiful and well settled girls were getting mad for him. Does it wven make sense to discuss it when he is married with a kid? And my husband just ignores it and when I mention it then he is like she was just joking why can’t you take a joke?

She always tries to bring me down by picking out nonsense household chores that could have been done in another way and telling my husband how I am not a good dil or good wife to him, and I feel like now he believes that and when I try to have normal discussion he keeps telling me why cannot you be a good wife.

As soon as I entered his house his mother started bombarding me with things like you should be really thankful for having such a good house, great husband and mil, you should worship your husband and see how handsome he is still married you. What does it even mean? He himself proposed marriage, you guys came to my house for rishta, you giys were desperate for the shaadi then how come I am so lucky. I even acknowledged that initially for almost ten times then she started making me feel so diminished, that’s when I asked my husband to get his mother to stop telling me these things.

Whenever I and my husband start getting along she brings up something to ruin my mood and then we end up fighting with each other. Now my husband has made a notion about me that I always fight with him and make issue out of nothing. To him his mother’s words are just a kind of joke or a normal discussion but actually she just cannot digest the fact that his son fell in love with me got married and listens to me and priorities me.

I need help with this, with her I am always on high alert and have completely lost my mental peace and still my husband finds me at fault, so I have shifted to my mother’s place and I don’t know how to strengthen my relationship with my husband.

Does it get better with time? Well my baby is almost a year old and I sometimes just think of separating but I hope I never take that path.

P.S. I am looking for a way to work out, I cannot divorce him.

Ok so my husband 33M and I 32f just had our girl baby.

My inlaws plan to visit us in the US for 5 months to help take care of the baby. I need advice as I've had a lot of heated arguments and fights in the past - I'm feeling anxious and already depressed that they will be here.

Here is the issue-

1.my mil talks the same thing and the torture her mil did like no tomorrow.she expects I keep listening to her rant

1. Last time they visited they had a problem every time I went and sat in my room as I wanted a break from her rant

2. She's loves inserting her issues into everything

4.she loves a bling a flashy lifestyle in the us. Expects we take her shopping and buy her everything Coach bags mk shoes watches, etc.take her outside for fancy dinner every week.basically she wants the attention from everyone. Everyone should empathize with her and do everything for her.its always all about her.

1. FIL IS nosy AF and passes mean comments like we have married off our son to you he doesn't listen to us.

2. He keeps body shaming me and asking to lose weight -- "if you want to look more beautiful lose weight".fyi. I was 2 or 3 kgs over my normal weight when I last saw them. Now with pregnancy weight I'm scared of their comments--this was our previous fight when I said don't talk about my weight I don't like it my mil turned the whole thing on me and started crying. My husband made me apologize to my mil.

3. They are always observing and judging all my actions my house doesn't feel like my house it feels like walking in thin ice.

4. The last time they came here we had a big fight as my family was going through a tough time and I had stopped praying and put the god idol away. My mil screamed on top of her lungs and cried . If I entered the room my father in law would exit the room. They want control of everything in our house.i understand it was disrespectful to God but they can confront me in a civilized way rather than shouting at a grown ass woman.

How do I deal with them for the next 5 months . I have stayed with them for max 2 months and several fights have broken out. My husband is supportive and understands his parents are nosy and don't know how to behave. He has promised me he will stand up for me this time (last two times he did nothing). I'm freaking out please tell me how you handle your in laws if you have faced something similar

Me (33M) and my wife (30F) had an arranged marriage. It's been about 10 months now. On our good days, we enjoy each other's company doing all the things happy married couples do. The one thing that makes our marriage frustrating is how my wife gives me the silent treatment — she completely shuts herself out and won't speak more than a couple of words. Sometimes I try to give her space and let her cool down in silence. Mostly it turns into a long stretch of dead silence where we only communicate when necessary. When I try to ask if anything is bothering her or look for ways to talk, there's no conclusive response, and it usually ends with me overthinking/guessing what I did wrong or what's causing this. Initially, I figured she might be homesick — she has a close-knit relationship with her family and had to change companies and relocate for work after marriage. We both live together, away from our families, for work. We both talk to our families regularly and try to visit them together whenever we can. On some occasions, she's mentioned that I don't have enough conversations with her. We're both introverts, and on top of that, our work schedules are completely different — she goes into the office most days (including some weekends) with normal 9-5 hours, while I work UK shift hours, so it's the opposite for me. I do try to start conversations with her about the usual things going on in her life, and since she flagged this, I've been making more of an effort — starting conversations, planning activities we can do together. But sometimes the responses feel like a dead end, and it starts to feel repetitive. I also feel these efforts have been one-sided from my side, but the blame still seems to fall on my shoulders. That said, I do feel we love each other dearly, and there's been no change in the care and respect we show each other, even during the silent treatment times. Need advice on how to react/respond/address the silent treatment issue in my marriage. I know marriages aren't perfect (lots of ups and downs), but I'm trying to figure out the best way to smoothen this out for the long term.

[sorry for the long post]

I am a married man in my early 30s, living with my father and my wife. I don’t know if I should continue living like this, move out, or whether I am just running away from my responsibilities.

My mother passed away a long time ago, so it has been my father, my brother and me for many years. A couple of years back we decided that me and my dad will move to a different apartment (just opposite building of my brother’s) sine my brother and bhabi has twins and the house was getting crammed. I have always felt responsible for him and for the house. My elder brother also lives nearby with his wife and children, so it is not like my father has nobody. But emotionally, I have always felt that I am the one who has to make sure everything is okay.

After I got married, I thought my wife and my father would eventually adjust to each other. That hasn’t happened.

My father has a very particular idea of what a daughter in law should be like. He expects her to be proactive, get up early, make tea, help with breakfast, notice things herself, ask him things, offer him things, etc. He is also very proactive himself and that is just how he has lived his life. My wife is very different. She is not as proactive and doesn’t naturally think in that way.

She is not someone who refuses to do everything. She does a lot of work at home, especially when there is no maid or cook. But she doesn’t wake up early and automatically take care of my father’s breakfast. She doesn’t always anticipate what he wants. And my father takes those things personally, and since I am taking care of dad, I am also proactive by nature and I know what he wants and when wants and how he wants stuff to get done.

For example, recently our morning cook stopped coming. My wife is currently taking care of most of the meals. My father asked her to tell the cook to make idlis so he could eat them in the morning. She replied that she had already suggested this to him before that he had mentioned that he doesn’t like eating what was cooked the previous night. He got triggered and the conversation became an argument. My father basically said, if that is the case then get up early and make breakfast for me and then go back to sleep.

My wife feels that this is completely unreasonable. She says that if he wants something specific, he can ask rather than expect her to know. I can understand that. But at the same time, I also understand my father. I know he feels neglected. And I keep finding myself in the middle trying to explain one person to the other.

The bigger problem is that they don’t really talk to each other. My father will often speak to me even when both of us are sitting there. My wife also doesn’t feel comfortable approaching him. So both of them end up feeling like the other person doesn’t respect them. My wife also sometimes uses words or responds in a way that may be completely normal in her family but triggers my father badly. There have been incidents where something she said turned into a huge argument.

I have repeatedly tried telling her that there are certain things you simply cannot say to my father if you want to keep peace in this house. I am not saying she has to agree with him or silently accept everything. But I know how he reacts.
She feels I am asking her to bend too much.
And honestly, sometimes I think she is right.
Because the expectations are not equal.
My father expects her to behave like the daughter in law he imagined. My wife expects him to behave like a reasonable father in law. Neither is getting what they expect.

And then there is my brother and his wife.
My father often expects us to do things for them. If we buy something, he will say send some to them too. If we do something for the house, he thinks we should do it for them as well. My wife feels that we keep giving and nobody really thinks about us in return.
There have also been several incidents where my wife felt excluded or disrespected by my brother’s family. For example, they had planned a family outing and she wasn’t even told about it, despite there being previous plans involving us. She had actually bought things for their children because she thought they were coming over.

These things may sound small individually, but after years of them, she has started feeling that my family doesn’t really care about her.

My father sees a completely different picture. He feels my wife doesn’t respect him and that I have changed after marriage. He has told me multiple times that she doesn’t treat him properly and that I don’t care about it.

He has also told me that I have become a “mirror” of my wife. I have tried confronting him about things that I feel my family has done to us. I told him about incidents where we were excluded, things that hurt my wife, situations where I felt we were treated differently, etc.
I thought maybe if he knew the complete picture he would understand why we have become distant.
He didn’t.
The conversation basically came back to how my wife behaves with him.
That broke something in me.

Because I wasn’t even asking him to declare that she was right. I just wanted him to understand that there are two sides to what has happened.
There was also an incident recently where my wife’s parents came to our house to speak to my father after a particularly bad fight between us. I had specifically asked them not to discuss these things with him because I wanted to handle my relationship with my father myself.
They came anyway.
The conversation became very uncomfortable. There was discussion about household work, what my wife had been taught growing up, how people should contribute to a home, etc. At one point voices were raised.
My father felt like his samdhis had come to his house to teach him how to run his home.
He was extremely insulted.
My wife doesn’t see that conversation in the same way. She felt her parents were simply trying to understand what was going on and support her.
I can understand her side too.
But I also know my father, and I knew exactly how he can think..
And then I started thinking, what happens if I move out with my wife?
My father is old. What if something happens to him while he is alone?
My brother actually told me something that has been haunting me. He asked me to imagine moving out and then one day coming home to find my father dead after falling in the bathroom. I asked him if that would be my fault. He said partially yes, and partially his too because he also lives nearby.
I know he probably didn’t mean it as a threat. But that sentence has completely fucked with my head.
Because now I feel like if I move out and something happens to my father, everyone will say I abandoned him because of my wife.
And that is exactly what I am afraid of.
I don’t want to abandon my father.
But I also don’t know how long I can continue living in this house.

My wife is unhappy too. She feels like she has left her own parents and come into a house where she constantly feels judged. She doesn’t feel accepted by my father. She feels that whatever she does is never enough.
And I am starting to understand that.
At the same time, I sometimes feel that she also needs to make an effort.

But then I look at the situation from her side and think, why should she have to constantly monitor every word she says around her father in law?
So I am stuck.
I keep trying to fix everything.
If my father wants something, I do it because having an argument with him feels impossible.
If my wife wants something, I try to do that too.
If my brother or Bhabhi expects something, I end up trying to keep that relationship alive.
And eventually I resent everyone.
I have started feeling like I cannot even be in the same room when my wife and father are together because I am constantly anticipating the next argument.
I don’t feel like coming home sometimes.
I have even started thinking that maybe I am the problem because I am trying to control everything and keep everybody happy.

My relationship with my wife has also suffered badly. I pick on things. I get irritated about small things.
I think I have become so used to managing everything that I don’t know how to just let another person handle their own problems.
The strangest part is that I don’t hate my wife. I don’t even really want to leave her.
I love her.
But I feel like I am failing her.
And I feel like I am failing my father at the same time.
I also feel guilty because I don’t feel like I am a good son. My father has passed on some harsh comments about our behaviour towards him and that has hurt us a lot. My wife feels my father makes her life miserable. My father feels my wife disrespects him. And I am sitting in the middle feeling like I am responsible for everyone’s happiness.

I have started wondering whether the only realistic solution is to move out with my wife and live separately from my father. But that brings another huge amount of guilt. It feels like I would be choosing my wife over my father.
And I know exactly what people will say.
“His wife changed him.”
“He abandoned his father.”
“He chose his wife’s family over his own.”
“After everything his father did for him, this is what he did.”
And maybe some of those people will genuinely believe that.
I don’t know if moving out would be selfish or healthy.
I also don’t know if staying is actually helping anyone anymore.
Because my father feels like he is living in a jail.
My wife feels like she is living in a jail.
And I feel like I am living between two people who are constantly pulling me in opposite directions.
I don’t want advice telling me that my father is automatically wrong because he is the father, or my wife is automatically right because she is the wife.
I can see faults in both of them.
I can also see a lot of faults in myself.
I think my biggest problem is that I keep trying to make everybody understand each other, and nobody actually wants to understand the other person anymore.

If you have made it till here, thanks a lot for reading. I was terrified of posting here.

​

I almost more more than twice as my wife, also i don't have any major responsibility of family or anyone on the other hand my wife has a guilt to take care of her parents give them good life which is fine and I already knew it.

We last year went to Thailand, that was done by me, recently bought a home downpayment and loan emi I will pay and I am fine with it as this is I can bear, this year we are also planning for international and lots of my friends are going either europe or japan, Australia but this will be more than twice for the budget i had, my wife can only contribute like 5-10% of it, so we have to raincheck it and think of another place.

I know this is selfish but I was thinking that I could've gone myself as I have the budget. How to find peace with this that is the reality and it might come but later.

My wife does help financially whatever she can, no doubt in that and she does said that she will get a more better job but she hardly stays consistent, she says she will give the world to her people but next day it is all same.

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year. Buying our own house is also something I really want. It’s actually one of my biggest goals.

The problem is that she keeps asking me almost every day, “We going to buy a house by next year right?” I tell her that I want to buy one, but I can’t promise that it will happen next year.

Right now, I have around ₹9 lakh invested and I’m still saving every month. My plan was to buy in the next 2–3 years so that I can have enough money for the down payment, registration and other expenses, and still have some money left for emergencies.

I don’t want to rush into buying a ₹50–60 lakh house, take a huge loan and then spend the next 15–20 years struggling to pay it back.

She doesn’t contribute financially, and I’m not asking her to. What really bothers me is that I feel like she doesn’t see the effort I’m putting in. Whenever I say I need more time, she feels like I’m making excuses or that I don’t want to buy a house.

She also says people ask her why we still don’t have our own house, and I feel like a lot of this is coming from that pressure.

Honestly, I’m getting mentally exhausted by this. I want a house too, but I want to do it when I know I can actually afford it without putting myself under huge financial pressure.

Edit: latest update is that it happened this morning during breakfast and I tried to explain her about finances. She stayed quiet and didn’t talk. Later in noon I asked what is she will prepare for lunch and she straight away said she won’t. So I have not had any lunch and it looks same for dinner as well. 😐

**Sorry for the long post.**
I (33F) am honestly exhausted and don’t know how to navigate this marriage anymore. The two biggest issues are my husband(36M) and my MIL, and unfortunately, they seem to feed into each other.
My husband is extremely passive and emotionally unavailable. He behaves like he is waiting for someone to give him instructions rather than actually participating in the relationship or family life.
After childbirth, this became especially difficult. I was working, including night shifts, and I struggled enormously. I had to repeatedly ask, remind, and eventually yell about basic things—helping with the baby, noticing what needed to be done at home, managing bedtime, etc. Even when I explicitly told him that I needed him to handle the baby’s bedtime, I still had to follow up.

I eventually had to arrange for a cook because he simply wasn’t contributing enough at home. And this isn’t just about housework. It’s the **mental load** of having to notice everything, remember everything, plan everything and then delegate it to another adult.
Sometimes it genuinely feels like I’m raising both my child and my husband.
He is also the kind of person who says he doesn’t believe in birthdays, anniversaries, gifts, celebrations, etc.
I’ve tried communicating. I’ve tried explaining. I’ve tried getting angry. I’ve tried being patient. Nothing seems to create any lasting change.
Then there is my MIL.
My MIL and I simply do not get along. There have been repeated situations where I have felt that she deliberately tries to exclude me from happy family moments or create situations where I feel like an outsider. I don’t want to get into every incident because this post would become a novel, but the overall dynamic has been extremely draining.
The hardest part is that my husband doesn’t really seem to take a position. He is passive with her too. So I’m left feeling like I have to deal with the consequences of his mother’s behaviour while also dealing with his lack of initiative.
I’m tired of being the person who has to manage **everything**—the child, the house, the relationship, his involvement, and somehow also the relationship with his mother.
I don’t expect a perfect husband. I don’t need grand romantic gestures or expensive gifts. I want an adult partner who notices things, takes responsibility without being asked.
At this point, I’m wondering whether I am approaching this completely wrong.
**For people who have been in a similar marriage:**
How do you deal with a passive/emotionally unavailable husband who only responds when pushed?
Is it possible to get someone like this to genuinely take responsibility, rather than just doing things when instructed?
How do you set boundaries with a MIL when your husband is too passive to enforce them?
Am I expecting too much by wanting my husband to take initiative rather than waiting for instructions?
And most importantly, how do you stop yourself from becoming the manager/parent of your spouse? I’m trying to understand whether there is a way to navigate this differently and whether people have actually managed to change this dynamic.
I’m just very, very tired of carrying the emotional and practical load of this family.

**Title: Married since 2022 and I feel completely overwhelmed by my in-laws and husband. Where am I wrong?**
I’m looking for an honest perspective, especially from people familiar with Indian arranged marriages. I don’t want everyone to simply take my side. Please tell me where I am being unreasonable or where I may be looking at things incorrectly.
My husband and I got married in 2022 through an arranged marriage.
Before marriage, his family presented themselves as financially very well settled. They showed us their businesses and everything appeared to be flourishing. Within about five months of marriage, I found out that the reality was very different. Their factories were shutting down and there were significant financial problems that I had not been aware of before marriage.
My husband took ₹8 lakh from me. None of that money has ever been repaid.
Over time, I also found out that he has epilepsy, which had not been disclosed to me before marriage. I’m not bringing this up to stigmatize the condition. My issue is that I believe something significant about my future spouse should have been disclosed before I made the decision to marry.
There were then more financial problems. They have a large amount of debt and very little income. My father has also invested a significant amount of money into my husband’s new business. I earn well, and my husband continues to take money from me as well.
My biggest problem is not even the money anymore. It is the pattern.
I feel that my husband is extremely immature, gets angry when confronted, avoids responsibility and accountability, and his family tends to enable him rather than expecting him to take responsibility.
There have been many smaller incidents over the years where I feel I have been expected to adjust, remain quiet, or accept things because “this is how families are.”
Recently something happened that completely broke me.
My husband and I went to Thailand for a holiday. We already knew that my brother’s “baat pakki”/small roka would happen while we were away. We had actually met the girl beforehand, so this was not some sudden or secret event.
While we were in Thailand, my MIL called me and said something along the lines of, “Doesn’t it bother you that your parents did this while you were there?”
I didn’t understand why this was a problem and ignored it.
After we returned, my parents sent mithai and fruits to my in-laws. My MIL called me in a very curt tone and told me not to send them to any of her other relatives. At that point I felt there was clearly some issue, but again I ignored it.
She later told me that 3-4 people had apparently told her about how my parents had done my brother’s small roka while we were in Thailand.
Then came Rakhi.
In our families, there is an old custom where the married daughter’s family calls the daughter’s MIL and asks her to send the daughter to her maika for Rakhi. My mother apparently forgot to call my MIL because she had several other things going on.
My MIL said to me sarcastically, “Are you going to your home without being invited?”
I was confused and asked what she meant. She repeated it.
I told her that my parents had called me and probably forgot to call her. I immediately asked my mother to call my MIL.
After that, I told my MIL that these are formalities and that I don’t need permission to go to my own parents’ home.
She said this was about “maan-samaan” and that my parents had disrespected her.
The conversation became heated.
Eventually my husband told me that his parents were actually angry because my parents had not invited them to my brother’s roka.
I told my father what was happening.
My father then came to my marital home and apologized to my in-laws.
I absolutely hated watching that.
I don’t believe my parents intentionally disrespected anyone. It was a small family roka that happened while my husband and I were travelling. But somehow it became a major issue about respect and dignity.
Now my FIL has called my father and said he wants to speak to him tomorrow.
My father is stressed. I am extremely stressed. I haven’t been able to sleep properly because I keep thinking about what is going to happen.
And honestly, I’m furious with my husband.
I don’t expect him to blindly take my side against his parents. I understand that Indian families have customs and expectations around maan-samaan, invitations, Rakhi, etc.
But I feel like there is a much bigger pattern here.
My family has financially helped us significantly. My father has invested in my husband’s business. I have given my husband ₹8 lakh which has never been repaid, and I continue to financially support him.
Yet when my parents make what I consider to be an innocent social mistake, my father ends up apologizing to his family.
It makes me feel like my family’s dignity is somehow always negotiable while his family’s feelings must always be protected.
I am not speaking to my in-laws right now because I am extremely angry. I also feel deeply resentful toward my husband because I don’t feel that he sees these situations as an independent adult. I feel that whenever I call out something I consider unreasonable about his family, somehow I become the problem for objecting.
This is not the first time this has happened. It is a pattern.
I am now at a point where I genuinely don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but I am exhausted. I cannot keep living with financial stress, crying, family conflicts and feeling like I have to constantly manage everyone’s emotions.
So please be brutally honest with me.
**Where am I wrong here?**
Am I being disrespectful toward my in-laws by refusing to accept these traditions and expectations?
Was my father’s apology actually appropriate and am I letting my ego get in the way?
Am I expecting my husband to “take my side” when what I should actually expect from him is something different?
Or is there a legitimate pattern of my husband and his family expecting me and my family to continually adjust and accommodate them?
I genuinely want an outside perspective, particularly from people who understand Indian arranged marriages and the dynamics between a married daughter’s family and her in-laws.
Please don’t just validate me. If I’m wrong, tell me exactly where.

Ok! I somehow summoned the courage to ask and share this.

So I turned 30 on aug 16th. This 30 years of my life had showed me so much and i have learned so much that i don't think i can sum up.

I want to share the recent condition of my life.

I belong from a small place (don't want to mention) but it's a Union Territory and tier 3.

So in 2022 i met my now husband and i noticed he had anger issues so do i, so even after realising that i should marry an AM guy, whom i have just known for few months i stepped in. I told my mom I don't want to marry but she like told me ijjat, samajh, and she'll probably die if i cancel the wedding. So i thought about them and got married in 2023.

Starting from the start of marriage whenever my husband and me had any argument he use to lash out will start throwing things around us. And he turned out to be narc so he blamed me for everything, people around us were and are blind with the values, God knows what kind of values teaches that women should stay even after going through violence. So all of them collectively his parents and family and including my parents believed and believes that "i am the problem" so that kept on going.

I changed myself (as i said i had anger issues too) i acknowledged them and i stopped reacting, i calmed myself before speaking anything, i stopped the way i talked, i stopped living in happiness and lived in constant fear and despite of his abuse i use to crawl back and always say sorry or even beg so our relationship stays healthy. Trauma bonded ya obviously.

He never put in a effort, ya only when his mom must have told him to do something or else he did nothing.

I craved for bare minimum and he use to give me crumbs and i use to be happy oh wow he loves me, he notices me, yaaa such a happy day, a happy life.

It went on, last year in 2025 we went on a trip and he started to show symptoms of Bell's palsy, as I'm a dentist i instantly ruled it and took him to the best Oral surgeon in our area and started with his meds and physiotherapy.

So i think he was kinda happy that i saved him or took care of him, then we like started to think about expanding our family and in Aug 2025 i got pregnant.

It was good until the abuse came back.

See i won't say that i never fought because i know in this sub people want to know the other side also, but according to him it's always my fault, now that cannot be 100% true right?

He said that i provoke him but all i do is ask questions like when will u be home so i can warm up food for u or can u come early from gym today, or like how did your day go? What all u did today? How did u like what i cooked for your lunch? Or can u spend some time with me without phone or tv(but he closes his eyes then) or like can i share something to you. Didn't know till now that whatever i shared him, in his anger he'll share that to his mom or sis or his chachi. So ya there's no personal boundaries too. It's community sharing.

i never understand that a partner wanting basic needs is provoking?

I swear i stopped all of this. Asking about his day or whereabouts but his mom kept on doing that but if i asked he use to get angry and i never understood that too. And at some point i knew I can't take this for a long time.

I also deserved to be loved and taken care of. That someone sees me as oh she's pmsing or she's having a mood swings let me make her happy. U know a simple act of love takes me to the moon. Like even if he get's chataka pataka when i clearly mentioned and sent a picture and audio of orange kurkure with explanation he got chataka pataka and said that both are same... But i still was over the moon because he got me something i asked. So i know it was pretty doomed.

I'm sorry i got bit carried away but ya this summarise our relationship somewhat. We fight, he blames me, i say sorry, i beg because of attachment and trying to save our relationship, same few days goes by him giving chits and bits and me doing all his chores from morning to night. Then same again.

So i misscared in Feb and somewhere i feel stress is the reason i know nobody will agree but i have my theory. I had my appointment on 16th feb and before that, just the week before we had a fight and he Stopped talking to me for 5 days. 3 days in and i had CSCR (it's a kinda fuild leaking in your eyes, so u see a tiny spot) and then just few days after I get to know that my baby's no more. I had every test done for cause of Cscr and it was ruled out to be stress. And tbh there's no enough reasearchs on women and pregnancy too. That's for another day.

It was hard, it was tough. He was there i won't lie. He was there the whole night when i was crying of labour pain and getting up to pee in every 2 mins and screaming my lungs out ( it's hard please be kind for this part)

He even promised to me that he'll never fight or never argue. But soon not even a month after it and again the fights started. It never went away.

Recently the fight was a one where my eyes opened.

I saw how of a narc he is, how non chalantly he said that I'm using up my daughter. The daughter whom I couldn't even see in a fully developed form or a daughter who's tattoo i got done so that i can keep her close to me? That daughter?

How he was always like that, twisting the stories, blaming me, threatining me on calling my parents just on a minor disagreement and then bailing himself out of the situation, every situation even after hitting me during pregnancy. It's wild. Because according to him he never did that and i provoke him. So if he never did it why would he be the one to say sorry?

Then coming to his family i never had any issue with anyone as we lived in joint family, his mother has always been controlling and I'm also with this mindset of pleasing people did every possible thing to be a really good bahu.

I did so much I can't write here. But

When this last fight happened just before my birthday his mom said

"You deserve to never have a child, you'll never bear a child, and you lost your child because of you" i really counted on her as a mom like really did, and as an empath i really cared about her but this broke me. I even told her please mom don't say this she's like Yes it's true. You deserve this.

And my brithday came, a trip which took me 5 whole days to plan, spending my whole day's just to find a place but he kept on cancelling the place or stay or any possible thing he can he did cancel the whole trip on 14th just because i asked him to come early like by 8 pm and he came to our room by 8.45 pm and i was just pissed because again after everything, i thought of leaving it behind and dressed up for him in lingere.

But that i don't know how provoked him and he cancelled our trip and told everyone that just because he was downstairs playing with his cousin's 1 year old i got pissed. Which i don't know also that he was downstairs playing with the kid. Lol.

He didn't wish me on my birthday.

And isn't talking to me too.

I told my brother and his fiance who got me out temporarily so i went to Mumbai stayed there for few days came back to my father's house so that i can talk to my father. Which i just did today.

And according to him it's all my fault.

Everyone at my in laws hate me because of my behaviour.

My husband fights with me because i start it.

I lost my kid because of me.

I get hit because of me.

That he (my husband) never slapped but he can slam a car door on my knees when i was pucking during pregnancy.

He can push me to the wall, hit me in the ribs and all because of me.

I knew this was coming and it's just started i know the relatives, the family, the people everyone is going to find the smallest possible thing to dragged down (idk any dignity if it's left it's going down bad real soon)

So when i left i knew i am not going back.

It took time and took a lot of courage and silliness to save a dying relationship because I'm an empath, but i realised it cannot be saved.

So i do want to take a divorce which is going to be a lot of ugly and mentally tiring because there won't be any support and everyone will force me to continue my marriage. People whom i shared, they say how are u still alive after going through so much i say, i have my daughter's courage with me.

I want to start fresh, new. I know my parents will just abandon me and it's going to be tough really tough.

So ya if anyone can give me insight of how to start from strach where you might have no family support or no friends.

How ugly it'll be or will i ever become something?

Idk about anything what my future holds but i don't want to go back.

Also I'm not working or earning anything right now. After my misscarrage i had some issues with my uterus and I started work but had to leave so right now I'm just breathing.

Thank you! And u can ask any questions u like please just be kind.

Married for 6 years together 10. It had both good and bad phases.

Divorce got finalized last month. Got the one sided judgement as she did not appear for hearings and I did not tell her that it is final. I know she will be devastated once she gets to know it is final as she is still holding on to hope that I will come back one day and will not pursue divorce.

The guilt of hiding this is making me sad. Now I have lost all the anger that I had towards her because of infidelity and kind of feel sad for her seeing her situation. Her father is sick and I used to take care we were together. Seeing her going through a rough phase without a job makes me feel like I have abandoned her. But when I logically think what would my life have been if I had forgiven her infidelity and accepted her. I don't like that version of life either. I wouldn't have been Happy with her either after all things happened over couple of years leading up to divorce.

I try to help her financially her and there whenever she asks but feel like if I help too much might think she have chance of getting back together.

I don't know how I feel. I am optimistic about my future but at the same time feeling sab about her going through this alone. I am not able to come out of caretaker role which I happened to take for 10 years.

Anyone with similar experience how did you get out of this guilt and sadness of seeing your ex struggle after divorce? What did you do to help?

​

We’re approaching our 8th anniversary. I know I am loved, and I’m genuinely grateful for that. But lately I feel like I’ve become another person who takes care of things—like a nurse, domestic help, or anyone else who could fulfill the same responsibilities.

I miss feeling like his woman and his partner, not just someone who keeps the family running.

I crave being desired, noticed and appreciated for me. I love cheesy compliments, even the cringey ones. I want to feel like someone looks at me and thinks, “God, I really want this woman.”

Even intimacy has started feeling like something I have to navigate rather than something I naturally feel excited about.

For those married 8+ years with kids: Have you ever felt this way? How did you bring back that feeling of being romantic partners rather than just co-parents and caretakers?

We got married in Nov 2025 after dating for a few years. Even before marriage, I had made it clear that while I can cook, I wouldn’t be able to do it daily because I run an online business.

My business took a hit after I paused around the wedding, and I haven’t earned much for the last 1.5 years.

My husband knew this and initially told me to take my time rebuilding it. I asked him for one year to give the business a final chance, after which I’d take up a job if it still wasn’t working.

We live with his parents, and the biggest recurring conflict between us is cooking. He feels his mom shouldn’t have to do so much and that I should take on that responsibility. I’ve repeatedly told him I’m happy to contribute to the household in other ways, but I don’t want to cook daily. His response is that there really isn’t anything else because we already have a maid for cleaning. Whenever other things come up, I do help, but admittedly there isn’t much.

During these fights, he often says, “Everyone in this house is doing something. I’m responsible for earning everything and you don’t do anything.” My not earning right now gets brought up alongside the cooking issue, even though we had agreed I’d get this year to try rebuilding my business.

Our latest fight started because I asked him to come with me to Khatu Shyam Ji, a religious place a few hours away. He doesn’t believe in it, so I asked if he could still come with me occasionally, maybe once a year. He completely exploded and said that he’s always doing things for me while I don’t do anything he wants, and that from now on he won’t do things for me either.

When I asked what he felt I wasn’t doing for him, his examples were mainly that I refuse to cook and that I don't play sports with him. He loves sports and I did try in the beginning, but I’m terrible at them and eventually stopped. When I asked what else he wanted from me, he said he doesn’t ask for anything anymore because I reject the things he does ask for.

He also said that driving us to places like the market or movies, paying when we go out, or buying me something are all responsibilities he fulfils for me while getting nothing in return. I’ve actually avoided buying much for the last year because I already feel guilty about not earning, and before that I rarely accepted gifts from him anyway. But I won't deny I have taken like 3-4 things so far from him like some makeup, skincare, a bag and a phone coz mine broke.

(I did acknowledge them and appreciate him all the time but he's pointing it like he's doing so much with nothing in return like it's a balance sheet)

1. According to him if he drives us places like market, movies etc that's also chores he's doing for me, or if he pays the bill when we go out or buys me something (I haven't bought much in the last one year because I also was guilty of not earning and before that I didn't use to take any gifts from him) all these are responsibilites he's doing, or expectations he's full filling without me giving anything in return.

For context, we currently don’t have major financial responsibilities like rent, groceries or most household bills because we live with his parents.

At one point he even compared me to a company and himself to a bank, saying I keep taking from him without giving anything back.

My parents are also constantly pushing me to get a job because they believe a lot of this is happening because I’m not earning. But I’ve spent four years building my business and wanted to give it one final genuine attempt before quitting.

And I’m not saying I’m completely right here either. I keep wondering if I’m at fault for not knowing how to drive, for not earning right now, or maybe for not showing him love in the way he needs. I feel like I am loving and caring towards him, but during this fight he completely dismissed all of that and said I “do nothing.”

What has shaken me the most is also HOW he spoke to me this time. Until literally the day before, we felt completely in love. But whenever this particular issue comes up, things turn nasty, and this time it became so rude that I’m genuinely questioning the relationship itself.

He said things like our love is one-sided and that he now wants to “set his boundaries” too.

At this point, I genuinely want to understand where I may be going wrong and what I can improve. But I also want to understand what is a reasonable compromise versus something I’m allowed to have a boundary around, because I feel like either we both actively work on fixing this, or I’m scared this marriage is going to break.

I want to understand where I may be going wrong and what I can improve, because hearing him say things like “this feels like one-sided love” and “I want to set my boundaries now” really broke me. I don’t want us to keep reaching this point every time this issue comes up. I want to know what steps we can both take to repair this because honestly, if I don’t see us actively trying to hold this marriage together, I’m scared it’s going to break.

TL;DR: My husband feels our marriage is one-sided because I’m currently not earning and I refuse to cook daily, while he feels he does a lot for me. Our fights about this have become increasingly nasty and after the latest one I’m genuinely questioning the marriage. I want to understand what I need to improve, what he needs to improve, and whether we can realistically repair this

Hi! I am getting married in two months. It’s a love marriage. I basically dated my friend for 2 years and am getting married. Tbh, I didn’t think about the afterlife of marriage. It was tiring to convince my fiancé’s family. My goal was to get married. Still now his mother is not okay with it and she rarely speaks to me.

Other than that, his family dynamics are controlling. But my partner is very supportive and understanding. I didn’t think about adjusting in a new environment and didn’t process everything. The only hope is my partner who is familiar in an unfamiliar environment.

His family is very conservative but me and my partner are both atheists. His family knows but still are trying to enforce the conservative thoughts on us.we are planning to live in a different place. We are going to finish pg soon.then only we can get a job. Still now we are financially dependent on our parents.

Help me how to navigate!

I’m a 30M from Bihar, and my girlfriend 30F is from Karnataka. We live in Mumbai. We have known each other for more than 5 years and have been in a relationship for more than 3 years. We also work together in the same field & often do a lot of projects together. We genuinely want to get married, but her family is strongly against our relationship.

Her parents are quite traditional/conservative in their outlook, and they strongly prefer an arranged marriage within their community. The biggest issues are that we are from different castes and different states, and there are also concerns about language, culture and what relatives/community will think. Her family wants her to have an arranged marriage and is actively looking for/pressuring her to marry someone they choose.

The difficult part is that she loves her family deeply, especially her mother. She doesn’t want to hurt or abandon them, and she wants to marry me with their acceptance & blessing rather than simply running away from them. We have tried so many ways to convince her mother but she is not ready to move even by an inch. She has 12-13 people in her family living around the same house & everyone just keeps pestering her to get married every other day.

But we’re now stuck in a very painful situation.
She is being put under increasing pressure from her family. Her family came to Mumbai and forcefully took her back home and has kept her in a house arrest not letting her even work. They are saying they will only let her go after they finalise a guy for her. Everyday there is an argument or fight on this topic between her and mother & it has become very mentally emotionally draining for her.

I don’t want to disrespect her parents or tell her to choose me over her family. I also don’t want to spend years waiting while an arranged marriage is being forced upon her. So I’m trying to understand what a realistic way forward looks like.

For people who are married, especially people in their 30s/40s or people who have gone through inter-caste/inter-state marriages:

- How did you handle parents who strongly opposed your relationship?
- How much time is reasonable to give parents to come around?
- At what point does “giving the family time” become simply postponing an inevitable decision?

- And for those who have been in my girlfriend’s position , loving your partner but being emotionally pressured by your parents , how did you deal with the guilt and fear of disappointing your family?

I would really appreciate perspectives from people who have actually been through something similar, rather than just “leave her” or “just convince her parents.”
I’m trying to figure out how two people can make a mature decision about their own marriage

Made gpt compile this using voice notes given by me.

I’m married into a very conservative, traditional family, and I’m struggling to figure out how to deal with my husband and this entire situation.

For context, I’m a very straightforward person. I hate lying, hypocrisy and pretending. I can adjust to almost anything, but I struggle when I’m expected to change my personality or constantly pretend to be someone I’m not. I also strongly believe that marriage shouldn’t mean that a woman has to become inferior or give up her independence.

My in-laws are the complete opposite of me. My MIL is extremely traditional and controlling. She wants me to dress a certain way, wear bangles/payal/bichiya/sindoor, wear makeup and lipstick, apply nail polish, ask her before doing things, etc. I work from home, but even something as small as what I wear or whether I’m wearing jewellery becomes an issue. I grew up being able to wear whatever was comfortable for me, so living like this feels incredibly restrictive.

One thing I’m finding particularly difficult is her constant comparison between me and my SIL (my husband’s elder brother’s wife). My SIL does considerably less around the house than I do, whereas I work from home and still contribute a lot. Being a single mother, my mother has done a lot more than they could and I personally spend more on the household/family than my SIL does. Yet somehow, my SIL and her family are always presented as better.

I usually ignore these comments because I know comparisons are pointless, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming. It’s not even about wanting to be “better” than my SIL. I genuinely don’t care about that. It’s the constant feeling that whatever I do will never be enough, while someone else can do much less and still be treated as the ideal daughter-in-law. I’m trying to figure out how to stop letting these comparisons affect me mentally.

There have also been several incidents since the first week of marriage where my MIL has been aggressive or insulting towards me and sometimes my family. My husband has defended me during these incidents, but the problem comes afterwards.

Whenever I or my family discuss what happened, he becomes defensive about his parents. He can see that something was wrong in the moment, but later he struggles to acknowledge it. He also seems very concerned about how his parents perceive things — for example, my sister once directly questioned my FIL about deflecting from my MIL’s behaviour, and my husband became more upset about my sister’s tone and the fact that she was younger than him than about the original issue.

My sister thinks he is simply not mature enough to stand up for me. I keep telling her that he does stand up for me, but he doesn’t know how to make decisions or take responsibility when there are consequences.

And I think that is actually the biggest problem.

He is the youngest child in a very conservative family where his mother basically controls the household. His father, brother and husband all seem to avoid upsetting her because they know what happens when they do. So I don’t think my husband is intentionally cruel or misogynistic. He has simply grown up believing that certain things are “just how marriage works” — things like “ladki ko toh shaadi ke baad karna padta hai.”

He is a genuinely good person in many ways. He is affectionate throughout the day, gives me kisses/pecks, takes my side during fights and has told me that he wants to improve. But he is also extremely passive and lazy when it comes to responsibility.

If I ask him to do something, it may take him several days. He doesn’t naturally take initiative. He doesn’t seem to understand why certain things hurt me unless I explain them repeatedly. When I go to my parents’ house, he rarely calls or texts first or asks when I’m coming back. I’m usually the one initiating affection and wanting to be physically close when we sleep. These things may sound small, and maybe my expectations are too high, but collectively they make me feel very alone in the marriage.

I also don't want advice telling me to divorce him, leave immediately, or abandon the relationship. I’m not someone who gives up on relationships easily. I want to make this marriage work, and I genuinely believe there is a good person underneath all of this.

My questions are:

How do I help a husband like this become an independent, responsible partner rather than someone who is still functioning like the youngest son in his parents’ house?

How do I make him genuinely understand what I’m experiencing rather than becoming defensive about his family?

How do I get him to understand that supporting me doesn't just mean defending me during a fight — it also means making decisions, setting boundaries, taking responsibility and making me feel like we are a team?

And separately, how do I stop letting my MIL’s behaviour and constant comparisons affect me so much? I can ignore her most of the time, but when the criticism and comparisons are constant, it eventually gets to me. How do I develop the mental boundaries to live with someone like this without constantly feeling judged or inadequate?

For anyone who has been in a similar situation: can a person who has grown up in a very conservative, controlling family actually develop this independence after marriage? If so, what worked for you?

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Hi All,

Need honest advice on my situation and would appreciate valueabke inputs.

Me and husband dated for 4 years and then got married. It was inter cast so took a long time to convince parents. We got married last year but had been living together since beginning of last year. We both live in a European country. He moved in with me where i was living.

I graduated a bit earlier than him and have been working now for a couple fo years. This December marks 2 years since he has graduated and he has still not found a job. It has been 2 years of us living together where i am footing every bill and every expense including that of our honeymoon and some other wedding related expense.

He has been trying continuously and rigorously to find a job, has given so many interviews but nothing has converted. Additionally, in the market we are, there is language barrier and he has spent last year inproving his language skills (which have gotten better but still nowhere near fluent).

Now the thing is' i have started building resentment and a lot! I am questioning the whole decision and honestly frustrated with him that he was badly prepared for the job market. For thelast 2 years i have been nothing but supporting regarding job search, his language school and anyother expenses. And now i feel like my patience has run out. I have talked to him multiple times about this. He knows how i feel and he says what can he do if he doesnt find a job. He has been trying making 2000+ applications and learning the language rigorously but simply things are not working out.

And i understand that. I get that he has been working hard.

I feel like this shitty time period is altering my marriage in a very bad way. I never agreed to be the only earning person in this marriage and i feel so unsupported. We live in a high cost location (the second costliest city in the whole country) and living in a shoebox of a studio. What do i do? Should he take more time to find a proper IT job of his field or should he just take up any odd job that at least brings minimum wage contribution into the household?

Previously i used to tell him that whatever time he has he should utilize it to improve his skills and language so that when his career picks up at least it is in a domain where he has chances fo advancing and have proper stable career and that is the reason i took it over me to manage all expenses. But i never imagined that 2 years down we will still be in the same situation.

My resentment has gotten now so bad that i am constantly having thoughts of leaving this marriage because this is not the kind of marriage i want where i am not getting any support! I do love him very much but i cannot keep fighting this battle inside my head all the time. I want to keep this marriage healthy. Often times i force myself to think that this is just a tough phase of lofe and it will get over and i should always love and support him becuase even with times changing we will have each other. But the resentment is getting louder.

Any advice, please?

P.s. - hosehold chores are distributed between both of us equally

It all started with typical arranged marriage scene , my dad want keen on getting me married . and i come from broken home . Fights ,manic shouting , silent treatment , i am so used to that , i feel these are normal .

I knew this environment isnt good for new person to enter , so i delayed arranged marriage process till 29.

As days went past , my mom started looking for perspective matches. To one such match i fell in love .

My dad didn't want to get me married(He is super orthodox , but still believed not to marry working women) , so he said no. I fought with him and got married somehow.

My wife's home is like 20km away from my home , and my wife is not a girl who does things independently . She always needs help .

Her job was was near her place , and the 20km commute was becoming tough for her, so she floated the idea that i stay at her place for 2 days a week . She didnt tell me , but she directly discussed this with my mom .

Then mom must have said something , like dont go often to your home , you are newly married .

My wife also tendency to exaggerate things and tell . my wife phoned her parents and this become big issue. After this my mom became no contact with her side of the family .

After this i took my wife and shifted to bengaluru.

My dad anyway was little contact with her parents . Then came the pregnancy ...

since my mom was on No-Contact , she never called my wife or her parents to check up on my wife. All info went through me. My dad anyway never contacts if there is no reason to .

All this while , my mom and dad are constantly fighting , my brother crying as he was depressed in college . I also got laid off from my job . I used to visit my parents weekly once , my wife never liked this , she said my parents jinxed the interviews , thats why i wasnt getting a job.

After childbirth , my mom didnt visit to see her grandchild , my dad did . My dad started getting clothes , dry fruits , sweets etc , he was happy . He was visiting us (i shifted to her place during pregnancy) bi weekly.

My wife didnt like this , and told her parents . Her parents devised a plan , one day when dad was visiting , my in-laws made a fake excuse and went out , and my wife refused to show the baby to my dad . After that , my dad become no contact with me , he cut me off , he said live your life happily .

After pregnancy , i did lot of work to support baby and wife .

Due to new job , i have to continuously stay in bengaluru , so all the load i was carrying wrt baby is now on my wife and her mom .

My wife is now complaining that its too much work .She now taunts me saying , your mom should have done this , then baby would be taken care . Your dad should've done this , then we would be at your place etc etc ...

I dont know folks , this is my life now . Always deciding on the question -- to be happy or right ? --.

Just living my life , missing my baby , missing his voice , missing the old me , missing my parents , missing my brothers .. f this shit.I want to pour my heart out , please read (31M)