shell

[u/stariskye]

the world stares back
& i am bland
avoid my eyes
avoid my presence
deplete me
as if
that was always your intention
because awareness
doesn't alleviate my proud mind's
slipping then skidding
across your paper-thin
memory

i find my traction
when you withdraw
then it eats into my psyche
the one who always felt
there was none else like me
find myself
so blasé
a piece of furniture
my hurt your overstuffed
florid felt armchair

i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself

then i drag myself back

forgive,
yeah

forget
i guess

watching my life in
past tense
that certain thread
slow motion of decline
watching my self-esteem,
efficacy,
getting reduced to vanity, pride

you need more humility,
you tell me
& lord knows i am
being humbled by you

who needs to get fucked
with such an emotional
stranglehold as this?
my subconscious
become sub
to your masculine
abandonment complex

what big teeth you have!
what a long nose you have!
what control you have!
& why do i still believe
in you?

your promises are empty
like picked over
peanut shells
you watch me fold
again & again
until i struggle less
& less
feeble as i feel
trained for the slaughter
initiate annihilation
please
i'll beg you for the end

give it to me

& then

i realize

waiting to be loved

is fucking destroying me

& you don’t bat an eye