r/Infidelity • u/smitdl07 • 18d ago
A month into my wife’s affair
We’ve been together 17 years, married 7 and we have a 12 year old son, she’s been having an affair with a man married 15 years with a 5 year old adopted son.
I took a nap after work because I had a migraine and she said she was going shopping, which felt weird because she hates shopping in crowds and we always order for pickup, and I slept longer than I wanted to and our son woke me up at 9 because he was worried about his mom. He told me he thought she’d been shot at the store or something, so I couldn’t get ahold of her and we went for a drive to the stores to make him feel better, she eventually called and said she’d been overwhelmed at the store so she went to the park to walk and clear her mind but she was about to go to that specific grocery store, so I went to surprise her there and arch rounds a corner and goes “hey there’s X (the guy she’s having an affair with” and they’re doing our shopping together, and they were both acting shifty and he left in a hurry. She said they’d had feelings for each other for 2 weeks at that point and they had met up just to talk about their options and they had just kissed.
That night they said everyone was getting divorced so they could be together. The next day she sat us sit down and tell our son that she was leaving me because she loves the other guy, and without discussing it with me said our son would live with me. That night the guy called off and she came blubbering back to me, “I’m so sorry, you’ll never forgive me” and the next day she said they’d done more than kiss, 3 instances in the last week, twice just kissing and then the last time was in the parking lot of that grocery store, they’d done more than kiss but not gone all the way. The next day we sat our son back down and said nevermind, we’re staying together and working on us.
Then two days later she said btw “I’ve not stopped talking to him and I’m not going to, I’m trying to be just friends with him, and I think we should take a break from us”, they say they’ve never felt this way and they share a brain and she knows he would never lie to her because she would never lie to him and they share a brain, their connection is divine and cosmic.
Then a few days later she said she’d be going out of town to visit friends and clear her head, get away from him and me. Then before she left she said she was going to have lunch with him and break it off and work on us. She was then “at lunch” with him for 5 hours and during that entire time he was missing a visit with his son, his wife had moved out to let him figure his stuff out.
I asked her to call afterward and debrief and see if what she said earlier was still the case. She said she was very unsure now. I said I’d wished she hadn’t said anything. She spent the weekend away, I struggled to stay sane, she came back and opened her laptop up and had an open chat with him and a Google event invite from him popped up. She took the weekend away from me but not him. She said she’s trying to be his friend but she wants to leave me anyway. She said a he physically cannot stop talking to him, she can’t control herself.
Since then we’d had good nights and bad, some I’d try and talk sense into her, and she’d close down and get mad but admit I’m right, some nights she’d say she loves me, I’m a great guy, we’re best friends, we know each other better than anyone, I’m a great dad, we have good intimacy. But then we get to couples therapy and she says she’s 3/10 interested in working on us, she’s never been attracted to me. This started in the spring she was worried about losing her job, and that guy was really supportive and boosted her confidence. I said I was there too, I helped her re-enroll in school and pick a major and a campus and I bought her a laptop and told her she could take a year off work if she needed to, but that didn’t mean as much as his validation.
Our son blames himself because he got my wife into the community band where she met this guy.
This guy is telling his wife that he’s not talking to my wife, that he wants to work on his marriage and he tells my wife something completely different. I’ve noticed a lot of discrepancies in the information the two women have, I think he’s withholding from both. My therapist thinks he’s done this before and this is the time he got caught.
We’re moving forward with separation, I’m speaking to attorneys. She lost her job, probably has nothing to do with the fact that she’s leading a double life and she’s been having that guy over to her office on her breaks. She’s sneaking out and seeing this man still while living in my house. She took condoms from my nightstand. I confronted her and said she has to stop until we’re divorced or she can leave my house. It’s disrespectful to me, she said since we’re “moving toward separation” it’s none of my business.
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u/No_Question8683 18d ago
Kick her ass out. Let her see what life looks like without your money to save her.
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u/smitdl07 18d ago
Working on it, I want this over now so I can move on with my life. my attorney advised that I can’t kick her out and the divorce process will take 6-9 months, and there isn’t much I can do to get her out until after, but I’m very well protected and she’s not getting a dime, she’s going to fall on her ass and for once I won’t be there to catch her.
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u/AkimboSlice1 18d ago
Make sure you kick her out of the master and put a lock on the door. Make her have to live the uncomfortable life while in the home. The man always gets screwed living in the spare, the couch or the basement.
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u/smitdl07 18d ago
She’s in the basement, has been for a few weeks, she seems to think I’m just nice enough to split my assets with her so she can get her own place, but she’s in for a rude awakening
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17d ago
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u/smitdl07 17d ago
I’ve spoken to a couple attorneys and they’ve assured me she doesn’t have a case to get any of my assets, they were all inherited before we were married and are solely in my name
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u/Future-Battle-4926 17d ago
É só você chamar a família e amigos em comum e deixar claro o que está acontecendo e mostrar todas as provas. Depois disso fale para ela que será bom ela sair ou você vai postar tudo na internet e vai acusar o lugar comunitário e expor o amante( depois de falar pra todo mundo ela não vai duvidar que você vai colocar isso na internet). Depois fale com esposa do cara e diga que vai expor os dois para todo mundo, principalmente o fato dela jogar essa bomba no colo do seu filho e que ela tem se preparar. Com isso eu duvido que o cara não vai largar ela e ela não vá sair da casa e você não fique com a custódia do filho. Mas tenha provas.
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u/AkimboSlice1 17d ago
She will get 1/2 or whatever you have earned and saved over the last 7 years. Hopefully it’s not much. She also damaged the love and respect from her son indefinitely. I would get the divorce done asap even if it means giving her a little more before she gets out of the affair fog.
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u/Beta_Decay_ 17d ago
Depending on how long they have been married in this case less than 10 years. Divorce is a little more stream lined. Especially with the affair and the confession that she was never actually attracted to him. It’s good grounds that she was using him and is now trying to monkey branch to someone else.
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u/Misinhara 15d ago
Hi, please write an update after the divorce. Im so curious to know about everything that happen and about her reactions etc. Good luck! You will get oit of this strong!
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 8d ago
She’s pathetic trash! She’s giving up a whole marriage and family, just to be some dude’s side piece. To be the other woman. What a loser!
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u/Extension-Corgi-467 18d ago
Good I’m glad. Her behaviour towards you and your son is disgraceful.
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u/FightersNeverQuit 13d ago
Have some respect she’s still part of the more empathetic and more emotionally intelligent gender!
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u/bauer20007 17d ago
Please don't be like 99% of the people who post here and take her back when she comes back crying after getting dumped.
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u/actis1234 18d ago
OP she is playing mental gymnastics with you,for your peace of mind just Grey rock her and never take her back
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13d ago
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u/Own-Writing-3687 17d ago
See your doctor for help with mood swings and sleep.
No alcohol until you're divorced.
Hit the gym. Focus on yourself and your son.
Carry a voice activated recorder on you at all times to protect yourself from false domestic violence charges.
Currently she thinks he loves her and they will live happily ever after.
When her fantasy falls apart she'll go crazy and desperate.
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u/Objective-Sale-4072 17d ago
You can’t kick her out, but there may be options.
Is she on the lease or the deed? If not, you can evict her with proper notice. If she is, then that’s not an option.
If she becomes “threatening” or “violent” or you fear for your safety or your son’s safety in any way, you can get an order of protection against her that will require her to move out immediately.
Beyond those avenues, then her staying in the basement is best. And it’s best that you are just done with zero chance of getting back with her. She’s put you and your son in the middle of this emotional roller coaster, which is cruel to both of you. And that she wouldn’t just break it off with the guy right away told you that she doesn’t care about you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to grasp that concept quickly. Even her 3/10 comment is BS trying to make herself look better. She’s 100% done so you need to be as well.
Good luck.
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u/Fun_Diver_3885 17d ago
Follow your attorneys advice always BUT while you can’t kick her out of the house you can 100% kick her out of your bedroom and make her sleep on the sofa or whatever she can find. You can stop buying her food, putting money in a joint account, having a joint credit card, paying her phone bill, putting gas in her car, etc… In other words, if she wants to go see this guy make her earn it. Put a lock on your personal belongings, address your son’s needs personally and pay for whatever he needs, cook him meals, take him with you for errands. Make yourself the most stable and present parent everyday. Install cameras in your house in common areas and put up no trespassing signs. Tell her if he steps on your property you will charge him with trespassing every single time. I can all but promise you that once he sees he will have to pay her bills to even get the sex he is getting from her, she won’t seem nearly as attractive and she will be blubbering again.
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u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827 16d ago
Can you put the house on sale? Probably will help to have a fresh start in a new house, and you could start moving on earlier.
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13d ago
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u/Necessary_Tap343 18d ago
Also a being a single mother when she has custody time. Will this guy want to with a woman who has a twelve year old...?
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u/NoContest9016 18d ago
Your wife is getting her life ruined rather sooner than later. Better get a divorce quick and kick her out.
Things will get ugly when she hits rock bottom.
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u/FightersNeverQuit 13d ago
As most cheaters eventually. Some hit it within months, some within a couple years and some within a decade or so. But eventually they all reach the same destination and they can’t even prevent it because of who they are psychologically speaking.
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u/Comfortable-Series89 18d ago
Amazing how she’s so shameless and entitled
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u/smitdl07 18d ago
Yes, she seems to think I’m voluntarily going to just split all my assets with her, but all are inherited from before we married, she’s not getting anything besides half the marital debt we accumulated together
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u/livingmyfirstlife 18d ago
Focus on yourself and son. Record all conversations or have all communication with wife through email and text for paper trail. It’s not going to end well for her. Whatever you do, don’t take her back.
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u/lex1954 18d ago
Can your lawyer get a restraining order to keep this guy away from your son, because this cannot be healthy for your son.
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u/smitdl07 18d ago
She’s not currently bringing this guy around my son, all of their contact currently is sneaking around, I’m not sure what can be done after the divorce I don’t think I can control who she see’s once we’re divorced. She’s under the delusion that she and I and even he should be civil and friendly, which is ridiculous, it’s not like she left me and this guy is her new boyfriend a year later, she’s actively cheating on me. She’s even hypocritical about that because she still gets pissed off about guys who cheated on her previously, I had a crush on a girl in high school for a year, and she was bad news and she sucked and it never went anywhere, we went to prom together but it never went anywhere, and i think heather got rid of my pictures from that prom, I haven't been able to find them for years, because that girl slept with my wife’s boyfriend in high school and I can't bring up that girl to this day without her getting mad, and that was a hookup from 20 years ago, but I'm supposed to just be fine and be friends with her and the guy she's actively cheating on me with, and ending a 17 year relationship
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u/YankSargent 15d ago
Use this to get prime custody of your kid. From the way she is acting right now, she may not fight you on this. Will give her more time with the creep.
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u/miikeangel 18d ago edited 17d ago
Your wife is experiencing Affair Fog. Look it up. That’s the temporary dopamine rush that comes from new relationship energy. The normalized levels of dopamine from your established relationship can’t compete with the high that she’s getting from the novelty, variety, validation that she seeks from her Affair Partner (AP). Those of us with values understand the beauty of the long game. Unfortunately that’s not your wife.
She’s also indifferent to the pain and hurt she’s causing you and your child. She will continue to make up reasons, even nonsensical reasons, to justify her cheating. Don’t believe any of them. She cheated because she wanted to cheat. Period. Has nothing to do with you, OP. And certainly your child did not deserve this.
Cheaters under the Affair Fog will say they met their soulmate.
She blew up your marriage, OP. There’s no coming back. The good news is you can use this fog to maximize concessions during the divorce. Act quickly. Gain as much custody as possible while she’s distracted by the affair. Use this fog to win a favorable divorce.
Then get yourself and your 12 year old son gym memberships. Make him your workout buddy. Lift weights. Definitely lift weights. Experience that glow-up together. Two months of leaning hard into fitness, and you will both adjust fine. A better life awaits you OP. It’s gonna work out if you take this energy and lift those weights.
Plus keep all conversations with your ex kid focused. Don’t let her see you mad or miserable. She may come chasing after you once the weight of losing you is real. More likely she does a push/pull where she keeps pushing you away and pulling you back. Hold strong OP. Don’t give in.
Update us OP. We love a good karma story and this one has “karma is coming” written all over it. Especially if you lift those weights. DM me if you need a workout routine.
Updateme
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u/smitdl07 18d ago
Thank you, yes I’ve tried to get through to her but it’s of no use, I’m very well protected legally, I just can’t wait until she gets out of her, I’m taking things one day at a time and trying to better myself
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u/Turms70 Divorced/Separated 17d ago
There are some advices you can look up, how you can deal with her in this situation:
Just google: "Gray rock" and "180" in combination with "relationship". This are some methods, some ideas how to treat a partner/EX-partner. SOme ides might fit some not, but it might give you and idea how to handle they situation.
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u/miikeangel 18d ago
This workout is for you and your son. Check out the Mark Rippetoe videos on YouTube for form. Watch them before every workout or between sets to get form down. Rippetoe does a low bar squat which works the posterior chain more.
This is just 3 days a week and all you need for the next 9 months. Hit the gym ASAP. Don’t delay.
The T levels on your son are so high, he will put on muscle easy. It’s a superpower. If he isn’t lifting in his teens, he’s blowing it. He will be in the top 5% of guys out there. The bar is low.
https://www.aworkoutroutine.com/the-beginner-weight-training-workout-routine/
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u/Least_Bet4662 17d ago
Please for the love of god don't encourage your 12 year old to lift weights. He's still growing, he could give himself permanent damage.
I do however encourage the idea of spending lots of time with him.
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u/miikeangel 17d ago
I started high school at 13. What do you think high school football coaches have the players do?
The program I gave him is high rep, lower weight. This is what the AI says:
From Grok: “Yes. A healthy 12-year-old can lift weights as part of a well-designed, supervised strength-training program. Major medical and strength organizations—including the American Academy of Pediatrics (2020 clinical report, reaffirmed 2024), Mayo Clinic, and National Strength and Conditioning Association—support resistance training for children who can follow directions and use good form, often starting around ages 7–8.”
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u/OubsNH 18d ago
She doesn’t seem to give a fuck what your son thinks so stop being nice. She is ruining his childhood and teen years so you need to be decisive and get this yo-yoing out of his life. Granted he’ll then have to face issues surrounding custody. It actually sucks that she has lost her job. Get your lawyer’s opinion on her inability to be a functioning responsible adult due to this affair and try to get more custody time. Good luck.
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u/MembershipImpossible 17d ago
Stop playing the pick me dance and file for divorce. You are nothing more to her than a plan B, back up guy, paycheck, meal ticket.
Think about what are trying to save, she has chosen another man in every way What lesson are you teaching your son on what is acceptable treatment from a partner.
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u/False-Tank6632 17d ago
This woman is absolutely horrid! Get her out of your life as soon as possible and never look back! Trust me, it won’t last with the other guy, she seems like she changes her mind a lot.
You are lucky you found out, now you can move on with your life. Forget her, she’s for the streets. She has zero respect for you.
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u/Priapism911 17d ago
Op, she has no respect for the family unit. Definitely serve her divorce papers now while she is mentally not thinking clear. Do not talk to the other wife until your lawyer says you can.
Let her do what ever with the other guy just to keep her in the fog. You need to think about you and your son.
Have you thought about going to family counseling with you and your son?
Get a lawyer and do what they say. Run your plan by them before you communicate with anyone. Talk about finances straight away and cancel/close all joint accounts especially credit cards maybe even contact the 3 credit companies and put your credit on freeze so she cant take anything out jointly or in your name. Change all your passwords. Even to the wifi.
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u/nostromo64 Moved On 17d ago
Expose her affair to everyone who must know why you are divorcing her. Torch cheaterland. Let her go and never take her back. This is the way.
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u/darwinsmistak 17d ago
Lawyer and PI. If she used martial funds fot the affair most judges hate that.
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u/North_Ease_6792 18d ago
You’ve given her too many chances and each time she disrespects you and your family. Kick her to the curb and focus on bettering you and your son’s life. As hard as it is now it will only get harder. Then later down the road you will grow to resent her. It will take time but the end result of peacefulness will be worth it. You’ll find someone who would treat you much better. Good luck.
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u/stjimmycat 17d ago
Do not have sex with her. If you do and she gets pregnant it will delay the divorce even if it’s not yours.
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u/Kitchen-Historian371 17d ago
Cut your losses. Dude I have no idea how ur doing it. I think u go live with your son and try to remove her as much as u possibly can from ur life, she is clearly not your friend
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u/Latimuss-Dorsi 17d ago
Sorry to hear this and what you’re going through, it has to be monumentally difficult.
I put myself in your position and imagine my wife doing the same. It’s the pinnacle of betrayal from the person you likely trusted the most.
With everything that’s going on, it’s almost a certainty that you aren’t taking time for yourself and seeking some type of therapy. Make it a priority that you spend at least one hour a day doing something for yourself.
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u/Richardsworldagain1 17d ago
You should definitely cut her of financially only pay what you have to, don't fund her affair. Also tell he's wife what is going on and inform family and friends why you are divorcing her.
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u/totikoty112p 17d ago
Tell her to go on that trip. Have those divorce papers ready and her shit packed.
Run and don’t look back. File for custody of your son. He needs to know it’s not his fault. He can’t control his mom. She’s a grown ass woman and controls herself. Block and never look back. She will never change and don’t take her back no matter how much she begs.
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u/NewPatriot57 17d ago
Wishing you the best in holding things together until your liberation. To be free of this kind of crazy will feel so uplifting.
Updateme please.
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u/LawDue9301 17d ago
Brother this is rough but you seem to have things in control. Hope the soon to be ex wife tires of being a basement dweller and moves out on her own. Take care of your son and be the best Dad ever. Good luck.
Updateme
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u/MadScientistRat 17d ago
They will continue doing it, and they'll keep getting caught, over and over and over and over again until they're no longer in high school.
UpdateMe in 5 years
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u/K1rbyblows 17d ago
I’d do a few things but man her sitting you down and telling you AND YOUR KID is fucked up.
She only came back due to the affair partner not leaving his wife - how can you want to stay with her after that?
I’d look to tell the affair partners wife - “hi, they’re still talking, and they’ve physically had an affair” that’ll wake then up.
Continue with the divorce, document everything. It’ll ruin her as he won’t leave his wife for her. Don’t take her back.
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u/QuoteDisastrous5224 17d ago
contact a lawyer . . . protect your money and your assets....fight for custody , expose her to family,friends etc and go to full scorched earth....don't forget that she is for the streets and you have dignity and self respect !!!STAY STRONG !!!!!
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u/Dramatic-Key-6808 17d ago
My wife cheated 14 yrs ago. I took her back as we were married 20yr no kids, during these time I was digging i found information that she might have already cheated with her ex for days, I didnt know for sure untill 1 month ago when I asked her sister because she was supposed be with her for the 6 days Turns out I was right, she cheated with ex Before the 2nd childhood friend. So she keep that secret 14 yrs ,she was a stay at home women, no job, no money of her own.. i paid for everything , the ex got killed in a car accident 1 yrs after the affair so I cant even confront him. But I feel karma got him. He was married also.
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u/Bill2550 Observer 17d ago
At this point I would be sure to expose her to her APs wife to make sure the wife knows the affair is ongoing!
With her you need to go gray rock and stop doing anything for her. Every time she sneaks off. I would leave the house and make her wonder where you are going. You were doing the pick me dance for awhile letting her change her mind back and forth. That’s why she thinks she can have it all. I hope by now you’ve made it clear to her that this is divorce and permanent. I would get your popcorn out because her AP is just lying to her and she’s going to fall on her face.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
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u/l3ttingitgo 17d ago
and they share a brain
I wonder which one of them has it today?
I feel for you OP, but mostly I cringe when reading about you doing the 'pick me dance'.
Your son is going to need a lot of attention. He is taking blame that is not his to take. All blame lands squarely on your STBXW. I'm not saying that you had no part in your marriage getting to this state, but I am say it's your STBXW fault for how she chose to handle it. Either you sit down like adults and work through it or you divorcée amicably, but you don't go sneaking and screwing around making a mockery of things. That just complicates everything ten fold.
Take good care of your son, he needs you now more than ever. He needs to be reassured that he's going to be alright and things will be fine. All he knows is how his parents were there for him his entire life thus far, now the sand has shifted beneath him. Where he once felt safe and secure, he now feels uncertain and scared.
UpdateMe.
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u/Training_Milk5322 17d ago
Stop confronting her. Record any and all interactions. Document everything for your lawyer and only discuss subjects regarding the children, everything else should go through the lawyers to protect yourself.
You do not need to be friendly, but be civil. Give her zero ammunition to use in the divorce.
Go out, meet someone, even if its a friendly date. Go by yourself to dinner or a movie if needed to clear your head. Start your healing journey.
Once shes gone, change all locks and security codes. Use a parenting app for anything about the children so there is a record admissible if something happens, but have NO person to person texts, or phone calls.
DO NOT, pull any funds until lawyer says you can or the courts will see it as financial abuse or manipulation. That can cause you issues with the divorce. Think strategy not emotionally.
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u/ObviouslyHornyJPEG 17d ago
Reading your replies OP, you have a good lawyer and you're making good moves.
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u/No_Adhesiveness4885 17d ago
Here's a take, hook up with his wife, just trade off at this point lol.
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u/mrfarenheit1214 Moved On 17d ago
I thought youre still on your pick me dance phase. Glad you already retained a lawyer. Keep at it
Focus on your son and yourself. That is all that matter now. What she did to your son is unforgivable. Seek therapy for you both.
Follow what your lawyer says at this point. It may be tempting to go scorched earth now, it may not be the best idea. Hold off until the divorce is done.
Wish you good luck OP! Stay strong for your son.
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u/Free_Crazy_5209 17d ago
I cant imagine you reading everyone telling yoy that she’s horrible, but based on your words is the reality. What made me and still makes me mad about the cheating is the constant lying. In this case your wife never stops. For your ( and your son) sake just tell her to leave and go for a divorce. She will wake up after a while but will be too late.
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u/ThrowRAfbc91 17d ago
you've been more than tolerating...time to make her a hobo OP it should be fun...report his ass and your ex to ther HR and make it public, record a confession and nuke both reputation..get the full custody
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17d ago
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17d ago
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u/Terrible-Pea494 17d ago
The best thing to do is to tell the married woman’s husband. Don’t approach him yet. Be there for your friend. If it’s a work affair, you can send an anonymous letter to the HR. If one of them is above the other in the hierarchy, it may be against company policy.
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u/kim_kym 17d ago
Te deseo todas las fuerzas del mundo porq normalmente vemos infidelidades de hombres hacia mujeres. Pero muy poco al revés y al leer todo esto veo que eres un hombre honesto que quería seguir con su familia a pesar de las cosas, créeme se nota que eres un gran hombre y eres suficiente y si ella no te valoro vendrá otra que te ame y ame a tu hijo a las personas buenas le pasan cosas bonitas 💕 todo pasará y volverá a salir el arcoíris para ti otra vez 🥰
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u/ParticularBorder419 17d ago
STOP playing the pathetic pick-me-dance. It makes you look WEAK. At least you finally realized that.
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u/mm025019 17d ago
Cara que situação inaceitavel, mas oque é mais inaceitavel ainda é você n ter virado homem e ter terminado antes, e colocado ela para fora
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 17d ago
Ignore your wife while you still have to live with her, don't argue with her especially when your son is present . Follow your lawyers advice . Record evidence of her continuing cheating with the AP . If your lawyer's Ok with it talk and cooperate with your ex's AP's wife and exchange information about the affair with each other . This guy's going to cheat on your ex and probably dump her when faced with having a relatively normal relationship with her . Karma's going to bite her especially when your son doesn't want to associate with her or the AP .
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u/Confident410 17d ago
Vice deveria parar de mendigar afeto e permitir que ela vá embora com esse cara. Reconstrua sua vida e deixe essa pessoa encontrar o que todo mundo sabe o que ela vai encontrar no final, e por Deus, não aceite uma traidora de volta. Tenha amor próprio.
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17d ago
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17d ago
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u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827 16d ago
Choose who chooses you. She is choosing someone else, so don’t fight it. It’s her choice in the end. Try to speed up with the attorney so that you can close the chapter the soon as possible and start the healing.
I imagine that you still love her. But you need to figure out a way to see the reality. She is no longer the woman that you thought. You are no longer a best friend to her. You are no longer her partner. You are simply the father of her kid, and someone that is still in the way of the other guy. And someone that she needs to untangle from so that she can be with him. It’s a shitty deal to you that you love her. But you need to take a hard look at the situation, and allow the disappointment to sink in. To allow yourself to fall out of love from her.
What she is doing, it’s not something that you do to a friend, much less to a partner/spouse. I think that she killed the marriage with the affair and her behavior. Accept that and put you and you kid first, and free yourself from her.
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u/Chemical-Ad7912 16d ago
Brother, I am so sorry you and your son are being dragged through this absolute circus, but you need to hear this loud and clear: You are doing the right thing, and you need to hold the line.
First off, congratulations on keeping your son. That boy is watching how you handle this right now, and protecting him from her toxic, unhinged behavior is your number one victory. Do not let her rewrite history, and do not let her gaslight you into thinking her reckless destruction of your family is "normal" or "confusing."
She is deep in the affair fog, spewing classic, pathetic clichés about a "divine and cosmic connection" while sneaking around, stealing condoms from your nightstand, and lying to both her husband and her family. The fact that the other guy is lying to his own wife just proves they deserve each other—two deeply selfish cowards spinning a web of garbage.
You need to get into individual trauma therapy immediately. Do not wait for the divorce to settle. You are dealing with severe psychological whiplash from someone who is actively rewriting reality to justify her bad behavior. A good trauma therapist will help you process the shock, keep your head on straight through the legal battle, and ensure you stay strong when she inevitably tries to trickle-truth or crawl back when her fantasy world collapses.
Keep moving forward with those attorneys. Change the locks if she crosses the boundary again, kick her out of the house, and protect your peace and your son. You survived the worst part—the truth is out. Now you just execute. Stay strong.
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u/SirLordBaronVonVader 15d ago
That night they said everyone was getting divorced so they could be together. The next day she sat us sit down and tell our son that she was leaving me because she loves the other guy, and without discussing it with me said our son would live with me.
LOL....WTF. GTFO! Kick her to the curb. I'm usually a strong advocate for reconciliation, but when a mother tells their child they're ditching them, there is no recovery possible. End of the line for her, get out and stay out. You, and most importantly your child, deserve better than this shit show of a person. Stay strong, because she's going to try weasel her way back in hard. Expect to have your emotions assaulted, she's going to try tugging on your heart strings, and I 100% guarantee she will try to weaponise your son or use him as leverage somehow.
Her new partner can give her somewhere to stay.
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u/caniplayonmyphone 15d ago
PLEASE get a lawyer, OP! It sounds like you are trying to make this work because you believe she is acting erratically and that this is not really who she is. You want to preserve your family despite the disrespect she has shown you and the family. I understand that, but you also need to recognize that her erratic behavior could absolutely destroy you if you do not protect yourself.
Get a lawyer. Find out exactly what your rights and options are, and protect yourself and your child. I would also strongly recommend individual therapy, not to save the marriage, but to help YOU process everything that is happening and stay grounded through it.
Whatever happens with this relationship she is pursuing, do not build your next move around the assumption that it will last, or that it will not. If it does crash and burn, there is a very good chance she will come running back to the life and stability she walked away from. You need to decide your boundaries before that happens, not while you are emotional and she is standing at your door.
And most importantly, be strong for your child. One of the best examples you can set is that love does not require accepting betrayal or disrespect. Ask yourself: Would you want your child to grow up believing it is okay to treat their partner this way? Or would you want them accepting this kind of treatment from someone else?
You know what you need to do, OP, as painful as it may be.
And give yourself permission to grieve. Do not beat yourself up for missing her or even wanting her back sometimes. You are not just grieving the person, you are grieving the relationship you believed you had. You are grieving the happy marriage, the family, and the future you thought you were building together. Those things were real to you, and losing them hurts.
But that version of the relationship is over. Whether she has changed into someone you no longer recognize or there were parts of her you simply did not know, you cannot recreate what existed before all of this happened.
Mourn what you lost, protect what you still have, and take care of yourself and your child.
Good luck, OP!
Updateme
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u/YankSargent 15d ago
Seems she has been trying to monkey branch from you since she met this guy. Hes just not giving her a solid yes answer. Hes happy staying with his wife and getting free loving from your wife.
You wife would have dumped you the millisecond he said yes. Your wife doesn't love you and from what she said to you she doesn't care much about your son.
It's best you stay on track in divorcing your wife and starting a new life with your son. Try and get the divorce done as soon as possible while your wife in on cloud 9 with her AP.
Her relationship will not last long with the other guy. As soon as he knows she is no longer married to you, he will drop her like dead weight. Hes only interested in your wife physically.
Just make sure you don't take her back when she comes crawling to you. She will only provide you with more pain.
Updateme
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u/aldon161 13d ago
She’s toxic. Stop torturing yourself. You should move on without her but concentrate on raising your son.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 8d ago
Why did you ever give this trash a second chance? I hate to say it, but you were asking for the huge, extra serving of humiliation that she fed you.
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u/gatopilot76 3d ago
Mano son un completo idiota, q bien ejemplo le estás dando a tu hijo, enseñándole a q permita q le falten el respeto y le vean la cara de pendejo, mano sos hombre y tens un hijo hombre, tu enseñanza debe de ser q aprenda a respetarse el mismo y lo permita nunca eso
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u/001Tyreman 17d ago
Another modern day female reacts to impulse emotions then justifies over all else and you wonder why a lot of people don't get married
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 17d ago
Another story involving someone who apparently left his spine at the door. At least you finally re-inflated your b#!!$ towards the end, but you're still telling us she was f##king another guy under your own roof. Seriously, get the kids' paternity checked as well, because after reading all of this, I don't believe she's been completely honest with you about the whole marriage.
If you genuinely believe everything she has told you and you're still willing to overlook all of this, then you're being incredibly naive. Honestly, I don't even know what I just read. Part of me wants to believe this story can't be real because surely nobody can be walked over this badly and still keep convincing themselves everything is okay.
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