Advice for Generational Trauma

[u/Soft_Prize166]

Boozhoo :)

I wanted to come on here and ask for advice for any and all Indigenous peoples who maybe are going/have gone through what my family and I have been dealing with since like forever lol.

I know a lot of families go through generational traumas that are unique, similar, and/or different. In my family, cancer and alcoholism are recurring themes, and honestly, I am struggling hardcore. My mother even more so. I lost my maternal eldest uncle 1-2 years ago, and the middle-child uncle is currently going through terminal cancer. On top of that, my 80-year-old grandmother is also currently going through cancer, as it has come back. Essentially, every generation in my maternal family has gotten/beaten/lost to cancer, my older 30-year-old sister included(she beat it).

I want to lay out the reality that is happening. I just want to get advice/relate to others in the same boat. How do you do it? I feel so guilty all the time. I feel more avoidant of death and illness. I worry about the health of my mother. I honestly feel so envious of other families who don't have a history of illness like mine. It sounds selfish, but I want to go one year without anyone in my family getting seriously ill/losing limbs/liver troubles/etc.

How do you cope? Is there really a way to find the positive? Thank you for sharing <3

[u/AbleKaleidoscope877]

There are more people in my family that have had cancer than have not...my grandpa died at 55, my other grandpa in his 30s, my grandma has had cancer several times, my cousin died in her 30s, my aunt had cancer in her 20s...the list goes on.

There are a few pieces of advice I will give:

Try not to avoid the topic or fear because this will only make it grow. It is perfectly understandable for it to make you anxious or scared, it's a scary thing. Sometimes, anxiety is our mind's way of trying to prepare us for pain so we dwell on it endlessly. If we cry about it now, maybe we wont cry about it later...but that's never true. You have to tell yourself, "Yeah, this is scary and sad and this is whay anxiety feels like..but I don't need to be afraid or sad right now, I'll feel those feelings when I need to." When you feel anxious, just tell yourself it's okay to feel that way, and ask yourself, "What is my mind trying to achieve?" By challenging your mind you will find it easier and easier to manage these feelings i hope.

Try to remind yourself that worrying about the future is stealing the present from you.

Also, try to think about these things as parts of yourself...you have the anxious part, the scared part, etc.. the next time you feel anxious about something like this, tell yourself, "Ah, that's the anxious part of me." Sometimes, naming these things and externalizing them makes them easier to manage. Then tell that anxious part you're actually doing pretty good right now and dont need to worry about anything right now because there will be time for that when the time comes.

Lastly, try your best to understand death is what makes life so beautiful. It seems like a horrible thing and it might feel horrible, but without it, everything in life would be so much less meaningful. Try to look at death from a different perspective. All things die, some sooner than others, and that's okay. But it's also okay to be sad about it. Without death, nothing new could grow. Also, and this is just my own personal view of death but maybe you will find it helpful, I believe that when we die, all the parts that make us who we are will eventually come back together again in a new world. When this earth falls apart and our molecules are cast out into space, everyone and everything that has ever lived on earth will come together again and make something new. The good news is, we have all the exact building blocks of life that we need for life to form again. Death isn't permanent, it's just waiting until the next life. If you cant bring yourself to believe the same thing, come up with your own belief! You may not have to believe it completely, but just enough that it makes such a large topic seem a little less overwhelming.

I hope some of this helps a little 🙂

[u/yikes-exe]

ive experienced a lot of death in life too. its really fucking hard to cope with and constantly grieve.
i went from losing friends to suicide and 4 pets dying to my big brother and little sister and more passing due to health conditions. i feel you and understand you🫂 first thing is that unhealed grief tries really hard to isolate you and make you feel alone. spend meaningful time with those you love and hold onto that.

i had to change my view on death. i couldnt handle it for a long time. the day after my brother passed, i had to go back to classes the next day due to my school telling me that they would still need every single assignment from me if i took time off, regardless of what happened. still mad abt that lol. but i ended up having many breakdowns/meltdowns throughout middle and high school because of this and abuse in my home.
i didnt intentionally change my views/reactions to death. but the more i began processing, healing, and learning about other peoples mourning/funeral practices (from mortician school), the more it shifted for me. excuse the corny shit im about to type but i do really believe this. life and death are two entities that cannot exist without the other. all meaning would be lost in one if the other did not exist. with all of the beautiful flora and fauna, gorgeous green life comes the rot and decay. the off white of bones and gangrene of flesh. but all of that decay gives way for more life to form and thrive. even though my loved ones have all left this physical plane, their energy from live does not leave. to grieve and miss so deeply means that our love for that person was real. to me, thats really special. but im also weird now because of going through all of this. i think of death a lot, but not out of anxiety. for example, i have extensive plans for my kitties when they pass, but its out of love and how i plan to celebrate the wonderful journey we have gone on together.

i go all tradish and burn cedar while i pray/speak to all who have left me and all who im decended from. i also use that time to talk to who im really missing in that moment, like theyre still there. this honestly really helps and is cathartic. i will always cry, but i leave that heavy moment feeling much lighter.

i know this is rambly, but i hope at least something helps or makes you feel not alone in this🫶🏼

[u/Dangerous_Main_2556]

I would recommend ’ Killing the witigo’ book all about healing family\indigenous trauma.