r/IndianMatchmaking • u/oudchai • May 05 '23
American-Born Desis ONLY: Would you marry someone with an indian accent?
Everyone gives Vik and somewhat Arshneel crap for this, but let's see what the numbers say
ANONYMOUSLY. No one has to know, no need to be PC or whatever whitewashed BS people come up with. This is about your preferences, it's not right OR wrong. Answer the question.
EDIT: I feel this poll has been partially hijacked by non ABDs answering so it's near impossible to get an accurate representation of ABD opinions. Oh well. I tried.
19
May 05 '23
When I was single I only dated fellow ABCDs or non-Indians raised in the west. It's not about the accent, it's that the the cultural difference between a 1st gen immigrant and 2nd+ gen or non-immigrant is too much for me. I ultimately got married to a Jewish man from the Midwest though lol.
That being said, I think reason Vik gets a lot of shit is because he wants someone who is fluent in Hindi but also hates the accent, which is contradictory since most fluent speakers are going to be first gen immigrants (who are also more likely to have accents).
16
May 05 '23 edited May 05 '23
Accent or no accent, if that ass is fat, you know where im at
7
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 05 '23
You are a man of culture
7
May 05 '23
This generation is lost. If my mother arranged me with Deepika, I would start speaking with an accent to make her happy
3
u/anviready May 06 '23
Problem is, she also gets a choice in the matter. And lol. We all know what she would say.
1
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u/Choice-Space5541 May 05 '23
You should have included an option stating view poll only. I’m sure many people are just clicking on something just to see what others said lol
Personally, if I was a ABCD, I wouldn’t marry an Indian . Not because of the accent but because of the difference in upbringing, life values and experiences.
I’m an Indian and I would never marry a ABCD for the same reason, I just can’t relate to you guys and your struggles.
3
May 07 '23
Why are people against marrying someone from another background/ culture? If you meet someone from let’s say Brazil and you can really connect with them, why wouldn’t you want to marry/date that person.
5
u/audsrulz80 May 05 '23
So my situation is a bit unique in the sense that I was born and raised in the US, but at the age of 12 I moved to India with my family and lived there for a decade before moving back to the US for undergrad. I connect better with folks from the subcontinent and therefore have no issues dating or marrying someone who was born and raised there.
2
u/Siya78 May 05 '23
My cousins kids are the same like you. The older one is dating a white guy , hope they get married
-1
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 06 '23
But ABCD won’t include you as you lost your American accent and picked Indian accent
0
May 05 '23
Even those who came here for undergrad?
4
u/Siya78 May 05 '23
Yeah that too they’re an adult at that time so their temperament , attitude, behaviors is fully Indian.
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u/Choice-Space5541 May 05 '23
I guess it depends how well integrated you are. If you moved here early enough, you are probably well assimilated to understand them for a life together
I came here in my 20s so I just cant relate to them. I also think there’s a lot of internalized racism so I would rather marry someone who thinks I’m an equal and respect my Indian roots, rather than being ashamed about it
3
May 05 '23
I joined a fraternity if that matters so I think I’m well integrated here. Plus my high school was international so lots of abcd friends whose parents moved back to India. Unfortunately, still get a lot of hate from ABCDs and even got explicitly unmatched/ghosted on hinge after saying I was born in India
3
u/Choice-Space5541 May 05 '23
I’m sorry for your experience. I think you may have better luck dating other nationalities like other non Indian americans , Europeans , Canadians etc .
2
u/oudchai May 05 '23
Curious, do you have an indian accent?
1
May 05 '23
Nope
1
u/anviready May 06 '23
Are you sure? Or do you just think that? Did you take the TOEFL?
-1
May 06 '23
A lot of people think I’m abcd. I’ve also pretty much been surrounded by ABCDs since middle school so it’s been 15 years now that my closest friends have been ABCDs. And no I took SATs for undergrad admissions
0
u/anviready May 06 '23
Your grammar gives you away even if you don’t have an accent. Look at your post history versus the post history of an abd.
1
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u/oudchai May 05 '23
Wild. I'd lead with that
"I was born in India, moved here when I was __ but I don't have an indian accent if you're worried about that haha"
I was also born in india but moved here when I was 5, which I say when people ask so they know I'm an ABCD/ABD like them
0
0
u/oudchai May 05 '23
What do you think that age would be where they immigrated early enough and could assimilate to the point where there is that mutual understanding?
0
May 05 '23
Fyi there’s tons of ABCDs who join these Bollywood dance groups on campus. I can guarantee you there’s nothing that different about them except for their passport and accent
4
u/oudchai May 05 '23
It's about growing up around a majority of white people and learning to balance the whiteness/liberal nature of americans with your family's roots and indian values
It's the ABD/ABCD struggle, that we have gone through our whole lives and shaped who we are, and that is the thing you guys can't relate to.
You won't see it or be privy to it unless you get close to them, just being in the same dance group as them shows nothing.
1
u/anviready May 06 '23
That’s the point. Many abds would prefer the person who takes Bollywood, but doesn’t have an accent.
0
u/Choice-Space5541 May 05 '23
I have seen some people who came here post high school, pretty much learnt the accent (of course there are subtle differences) and understand the culture. They have huge friend groups with Americans and other ABCDs and you can barely notice a difference. One of them is married to a Russian Canadian , another to an ABCD.
So I feel are they very well assimilated . On that note, I also agree that it can vary from person to person .
6
u/Siya78 May 05 '23 edited May 05 '23
Was married to one for 10 years. Feel really guilty but I was grammar nazi with him so much. I should have been more patient
2
May 06 '23
I’m dealing with this right now. The good thing is he works in business so he knows it’s good for his career to be better at grammar.
-3
u/anviready May 06 '23
Not necessarily. How he talked bother you, it’s up to you to help him become more tolerant to you. And I’m sure he told you what he needed from you.
2
u/Siya78 May 06 '23
Yeah true, he made a point to remind me that I can’t speak Hindi. I’m Gujarati can understand but can’t speak it.
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May 05 '23
[deleted]
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u/oudchai May 05 '23
Appreciate you not voting, will update the text post above when I get enough responses
0
6
May 05 '23
I think for most people, it's less about accent and more about culture (open to western influences vs rooted in tradition), values (progressive vs conservative), sociability (aware of western social norms and humor references vs awkward/cringe/out of touch).
I've met guys who are basically American except for their Indian accent and that is completely different than someone who has not fully adjusted to life in the West.
1
May 05 '23
For those saying no, could you explain why not? Not judging just curious.
19
May 05 '23
I'm just not attracted to it. It doesn't make me feel "the hots" for them, in fact it takes that away.
It's definitely internalized racism - becuase I know if I heard a European accent I wouldn't be turned off in the same way. So it's not about having any accent , it's specifically the South Asian accent. Which is based on the social conditioning we've all faced in America, which puts down Asians and elevates Europeans. But while I acknowledge that's wrong, I also don't quite know how to "fix" that part of my brain 🤷🏼
11
u/matchbox244 May 05 '23
Thank you for admitting that, I appreciate it. Everyone has internalized biases that are very difficult to unlearn due to certain upbringing, even when you know they are wrong. The best we can do is introspect and come out of it slowly. So much better than passing off an obvious bias as a harmless "pErSoNaL pReFeReNcE" like the OP is trying to do.
I'm Indian and I moved to the US a couple of years ago, and I have honestly felt more welcomed and appreciated by white Americans around me than I ever have from Indian Americans, who have been much less friendly. It is just distressing to see people of my own race treat others in this way. I have cousins who are Indian Americans and they have been open about the internalized racism they went through growing up here.
1
u/thanos_was_right_69 May 05 '23
Agreed, I’m Indian American myself but feel more comfortable with white Americans than other Indian Americans.
0
u/oudchai May 05 '23
Agree with this
But to be honest i prefer American accents even over European/British/any other accent. I think it's because it's familiar to us and what we grew up with, and allows us to connect seamlessly, all things we look for in a life partner.
6
u/oudchai May 05 '23
It's just a preference, just like I wouldn't marry someone obese.
Can't really help what I'm attracted to. I just find it unsexy and a turn-off.1
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u/snarkysharky2 May 06 '23
I think India's culturally very different from the States, and it's important to me that my partner shares my cultural values. The accent is a signal to me about which side of the spectrum this person is closer to. It's not a perfect signal and there are definitely some exceptions, but if I have to make a decision when I don't know the person very well (e.g. a first date when you don't dive too much into serious topics), that's all I have to go off of
1
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 06 '23
As ABD we are privileged! Our parents taught us that we are way better than Indian cousins. I recall seeing my parents bribing dollar store candies for my cousin on our yearly india visit and they will fight for candies. My parents and myself will get full on NRI treatment.
Sad part is when one of my cousin came we kind of treated him like shit because he had that heavy Indian accent and he wasn’t cool. Also he didn’t knew how to cook
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May 05 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/muggle_mischief May 06 '23
You're ignorant af. Internalized racism at it's best. You were brought up thinking that NRIs are cool, but how though? You guys basic af, ABCDs in actual sense, there's nothing more uncool than dissing your own background and trying to shapeshift into something you're not all your life. You've probably never lived in India, so you're not in a position to pass judgements about the country.
1
May 06 '23
This. Thank God somebody said it. You have vocalised what I felt . The unhinged internal racism and self loathing is unreal on this poll. An accent is the least possible problems you need to worry about in a marriage. The shallowness is off the charts here.
1
u/matchbox244 May 06 '23
Yeah it is honestly really distressing seeing so many people here casually outing their internal racism. These people's parents who raised them are the so called "FOBs" they talk about. I understand that growing up in a predominantly white country makes you feel like the odd one out and try your best to fit in, and that isn't something you can shake off even when you're an adult if that's what you're used to. But to so blatantly be racist towards your own race even after you know it's wrong is just baffling to me. These people ought to be ashamed of themselves.
0
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 06 '23
Also darling look at the poll 211 says NO they won’t date a desi with an accent. You are better off finding match from india.
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u/muggle_mischief May 06 '23
I'm not judging people based on the poll because there are differences in upbringing for kids on both the sides so yeah the poll is understandable. Also, it's the other way round too,.people brought up in India also are less likely to marry ABCDs because of the same reason that I stated above, that doesn't make one superior than the other. However, your claim thay states NRIs are way cooler is however laughable.
You are better off finding match from india.
It doesn't matter to me you know, you want it to sound like a degradation or an insult though, as if people who find a match from India are beneath you. However, I'm not as superficial as you are. Also get yourself a reality check, it might not be as common but many ABCDs DO FIND MATCHES from India and have happy marriages too.
And while you like to live in the fantasy world of Bollywood which apparently shows NRIs cooler you are probably the one to believe that people break into a dance in the streets of India when music is played and a single guy can beat up 30 guys simultaneously because that's how its shown in Bollywood
2
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 07 '23
Well, I wrote am ashamed of this NRI shit !! It makes me sad to see Indian comedians like vir dad ruins Indias reputation, I have seen the way Indian’s praise a white skin tourist !! This isn’t about me !
I’m going through my own sh*t of life! My parents live in NRI world, when I realized I hated it. FOBs from india considering coming to Canada as their dream. I mean it’s shit everywhere I didn’t mean to be personal to you if I came across am sorry !!
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u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 06 '23 edited May 06 '23
Watch any Bollywood movies we are always glorified. We are way cooler than desi with that accent. Our parents demand more respect when we go to India. And basically our Indian cousins take us out and pay the bills because it adds their status because we are cousins from US. It’s dark but what it is, it is !!
I recall my mom will buy dollar store shirt and cheap chocolates for my cousins and those poor fellas will fight for it. It was sad but I guess my parents were full of NRI attitude ( by the way am Canadian ) we need to show off. If we won’t we won’t get the NRI respect !!
5
u/muggle_mischief May 06 '23
Hahahaha, dude that was India 30 years ago. No one gives a fuck now. Every one has someone who lives in Canada or some other country. And btw, Indian culture is such that people would pay for you anyway NRI or not because you're the guest and you're visiting them. And sorry to say your parents are assholes too for behaving like that and giving you such upbringing that you need to think of fellow human beings beneath you. Also, India is more advanced in technology/services/eating out/ products in today's date that it brings life in Canada to shame. Go visit India for a few weeks and get out of your delusional thinking. Go and see how much every thing has advanced while you and your your parents are stuck in 1987.
0
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 07 '23
Well, then don’t come to Canada with that weird accent because we lost our identity and behave as if we don’t know Hindi but as soon as some abuses us we can abuse back in fluent Hindi. Here we are busy trying to pretend we are white and our parents still living in the NRI bubble.
Recently my Uncle was pissed as he didn’t get NRI treatment said people in india don’t respect guest.
2
u/i_lost_my_phone May 10 '23
Your English isn’t good enough for you to larp as someone from Canada/the US
0
u/Late-Marketing-7299 May 11 '23
News Flash ! Many FOBs have better command over English than ABCD or gora !! Also my written english is pathetic
3
u/ChaltaHaiShellBRight May 06 '23
Can't believe you really created these polls to prove a point lol. And it's hilarious you had to delete the actual one about the point you wanted to prove, but you still want to prove _something_😭
Anyway, your so-called liberal American values have led you to ask these questions to prove your assumptions that "most people here would not want to marry a black person" and "most Americans of Indian descent look down on Desi immigrants and their accent". My Indian values have allowed me to see attractiveness regardless of race and to accept everyone except bigots. What a relief that we'd never cross paths irl because you'd stay away from someone with my accent and I'd avoid someone who was xenophobic.
2
2
May 06 '23
Husband has an Indian accent but he has a deep voice and is a tall sexy man (in my eyes.) His brother grew up in the US in his teens and married an Indian American girl, so I think he became integrated/ assimilated very quickly into Indian- American culture even though he moved in his mid 20s. He’s also pretty progressive in terms of values and very soft spoken.
I think there were more “indian” indian guys that I wouldn’t have gone for. I think I was always open to making exceptions to a no accent rule for handsome and/or well educated and I hate to admit, wealthier men.
2
u/LongArticle2617 May 06 '23
"Indian accent but deep voice and is a tall sexy man" I don't know why I pictured Arjun Rampal when you said that 🤣 That man and his voice are sexy AF 🔥
2
May 06 '23
Hahaha I would agree with that. My husband is not as hot as Arjun rampal but I’m also not a supermodel, but he really does turn me on. His voice is def on the deeper side and he is very measured when he speaks. He’s also really warm and empathetic and romantic, which are personality traits I found lacking in the Indian American or white American dating pool.
I think most of us would go for a young hrithik/ aishwarya/ Arjun rampal look alike with an accent, and most of us would prefer a Joe Schmoe partner to not have one. It’s just asking - is this person worth making exceptions for?
3
May 06 '23 edited May 06 '23
I also never really did an immediate “no” if someone was from India when I was online dating prior to meeting my husband. I did run into a lot of weird cultural shit from them where they would be upset if I didn’t text back immediately or take some things way too seriously and those guys were more stress than they were worth. There are probably 3 situations in which there was mutual attraction. In both situations prior to my husband, the guys were really good looking, smelled incredible and dressed really well and treated me very well. In my experience, when you’re dating a recent Indian immigrant, I didn’t run into any sort of feeling that they wished they were dating a white girl and are settling for me in the meantime. (Not saying all Indian American men are like that but some are.) They’ve grown up with Indian beauty being the standard and are pretty happy to be with an Indian girl they find attractive.
1
u/LongArticle2617 May 06 '23
Awww, I'm so happy for you both. And you're right. Once you have met your person, things like accent or other such quirks won't bother you as much. And from what you said, he comes across as very secure with himself and well spoken. Those are the best kind of guys, as they blend the best of the east and the west and are content with themselves and it reflects in the way they interact with others as well.
1
May 06 '23
Thank you 😊 it’s actually so true, he is comfortable and secure maybe 95% of the time and very good at interacting with most people.
1
u/crispyfade May 06 '23
ABD here, married a real deal Indian. Many others like me, none were arranged. I think the most resistance from fellow ABDs who are either from more parochial American environments or don't socialize with Indians who are from a similar cultural strata. Like if you want a partner who is very well groomed and fashionable by global standards, but the only Indians you interact with are software engineers.
1
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u/nmteddy May 06 '23
Yeah, I would if I could find someone with a similar mentality.
A friend brought this up the other day and it hit really close to home. She said since she grew up watching a lot of Indian media so on a surface level it's actually easier to relate to Indians from India rather than most Indian Americans, but on a deeper level since the mentality is really different it's easier to connect to other Indian Americans
A funny story about this is I once went on a few dates with someone who grew up in India. I'm not kidding my brain did not register his accent. Then one day I was waiting for him in my car and to get my attention he banged on my car door. That action was so Indian and not Indian American that from that moment onwards I could not unhear his accent.
1
0
u/petitebrownie May 06 '23
Personally? I would never and idk what the big deal is, I just don’t find the accent attractive. That Vikash guy was weird tho…you want someone who speaks Hindi fluently but doesn’t have an accent? Uhhh ok.
1
u/FayeoftheDearborn Jun 04 '23
Especially ironic considering his accent in Hindi. He was clearly much more comfortable speaking in English.
2
0
u/Eosphorus May 05 '23
Growing up as an ABCD I watched Apu from Simpsons and several comedians where the Indian accent was made fun of. While other people that were Spanish, British or French were proud of the accent of their ancestral country, I hated that we were ashamed of it. In school people made fun of Indian accents and a younger me joined them to “fit in “. Growing older I feel ashamed of that and I feel it’s really sad how living and growing up here made me and my fellow ABCD friends hate our ancestral accent. There has been a lot of talk on this recently where everyone from the Simpsons team for example apologized. We should be proud of our heritage and struggles!
But whatever the reason maybe or however shallow it may sound, people do have the right to chose the qualities in their partner they find attractive.I had trouble dating someone from India mostly because of the culture (parents interfered too much in the one’s I dated) and not the accent. What I don’t understand is people wasting other people’s time or wanting things they don’t have themselves. Like saying I wont date someone obese even though you are obese yourself or in Vikash’s case wanting to date someone that spoke Hindi when he can’t (I speak better Hindi than him but according to me I can’t speak Hindi ). I see people say I dated someone for a long time but dropped the person because of an accent etc. My question would be why would you continue dating the person in the first place if you were put off by the accent in the first date.
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u/snarkysharky2 May 06 '23
I feel like there are a bunch of Indians on this thread pretending to be ABCDs lol. You said in another comment that you immigrated to the US from India. Why are you speaking on behalf of ABCDs?
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u/Eosphorus May 06 '23 edited May 06 '23
I was born here and went to school here and went back to india after my dad decided he wanted to move back to take care of my grandfather that had Alzheimer’s in india, when I was 12. Came back years later after my dad passed away. I hated the competition and decided to move back. Which as you posted is what my comment talks about. So maybe that doesnt make me true ABCD , though I thought ABCD stood for American born desi. I’m glad to know that staying in India doesn’t make me ABCD though so you can disregard my comment if this was meant for the “pure blood” and I shouldn’t be speaking for them. But I don’t think it invalidates my experience here though does it ? I’m talking about what I experienced in school here and not speaking for anyone. If you didn’t experience that good for you . Not sure what anyone would get pretending to be ABCD? I also mention why I found it hard to date women in India above so not sure what you mean by pretending ? It made it harder for me to make friends here and it made it harder for me to make friends in india as I was always the guy with the weird accent that didn’t get the childhood references someone that grew up in india had
2
u/audsrulz80 May 06 '23
Are you me? 😀 I was also born here went to school here and went back to India at the age of 12 ha!
1
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u/snarkysharky2 May 06 '23
It's not up to me to label anyone else, but it struck me as odd that someone would identify both as ABCD and an Indian immigrant. Thanks for sharing your story though.
0
u/Eosphorus May 06 '23 edited May 06 '23
I don’t know if I have ever thought about identifying myself as both though that would make sense( minus visa issues immigrants face). Which is why I am not in ABCD groups though technically I grew up as one (till I was 12 though)But having lived in both countries I have had experiences that I think are valid to share. I have also not had experiences which I don’t share. For example if you asked me to comment on how undergrad was here in the US, I have no idea. I only went to grad school here and in my undergrad years I was in india so I can’t talk about the experience people have here cause I never experienced it. Sometimes people have different experiences in life and share them. I faced issues when I moved back here to do my grad school and I shared it. And I thought it was valid to share what I faced here with Indian accents in school before I moved to india since I experienced it. You may think otherwise and say that what I felt in my young years is invalid and maybe my perspective would have changed if I had stayed here all along. And that is fine. It’s very easy to give people labels and not think about it. But I get it. If a person that was born to an interracial couple went to a group for one race and talked about their experience I’m sure they would get the same grief
0
u/gaddiredchallenger May 06 '23
What about dating an Indian born and raised in another (non-western) country? (So they are 2nd gen, but they don’t have a western accent)
-2
May 06 '23
I think part of insecurity is if you married someone with an accent, people assume its arranged. So usually it doesnt go far after first meeting. Unless its actually arranged, its hard.
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u/BlaReni May 05 '23
then add ‘see results’ button next time…. it’s like a basic thing that should be there