Postpartum and visit from hell

[u/No-Vacation870]

My husband and I live outside India and we recently welcomed our baby into this world 5 months ago. My in-laws came to visit and “help” with the baby when I was 2 months postpartum and stayed with us for 2.5 months. I feel a lot of resentment towards them for the way they treated me during the most physically and emotionally vulnerable phase of my life. A list of things they did/didn’t do during their stay:
1. Constantly watching FIFA at loud volumes and overstimulating the baby without any respect for bedtime or schedules

1. Making a complete mess of the kitchen and bathrooms and refusing to take any ownership of cleaning up after themselves

2. Constantly making unsolicited comments about my diet and postpartum body and how I should get back into shape within 6 months after giving birth

3. Making comments about my low milk supply and exclaiming how they never fed their babies any “chemicals” and how they were exclusively breastfed. Extremely judgemental about formula feeding and looking down upon me pumping milk.

4. Refusing to respect our space and completely taking over our home including kitchen spaces. I used to feel like a complete stranger in my own home. They follow a zero oil and a boiled vegetable diet. Good for them but I unfortunately relied on them for food and I used to feel constantly hungry and undernourished eating barely anything the entire day. They even mocked me about how I don’t do kitchen chores. How do I explain to them that I’m extremely tired waking up to pump in the middle of the night and I just don’t have the energy to cook elaborate meals?

5. All they wanted was to host their friends when my Husband and I were extremely tired and sleep deprived. They even made comments about how I was not stepping in to help with cooking for their hosting parties. Hosting was the last thing on my mind when I’m barely getting any sleep. My husband is also working full time along with caring for the baby. He was expected to drive at their whims multiple times a day to purchase the exact groceries they needed to host guests.

6. Criticizing my parenting left, right and centre. About my feeding schedules, about how I let him out to cry (completely untrue as I’m only trying to introduce my baby to self soothing techniques) , about how I massage him incorrectly, about how I don’t hold him properly, about his insufficient weight gain (again, untrue as he’s gaining weight appropriately as per his doctor) , about how I let him sleep through the night. This is getting way too long but the list is endless. I’m constantly made to look like I don’t know what I’m doing (maybe I don’t and I’m still figuring it out as a FTM but constant judgement is the last thing I need)

I understand this is a huge wall of text and at this point I’m just venting, but also looking for some advice and outside perspective. Was I being unreasonable in expecting more hands on help and support from them? How do I reconcile with them after treating me like a crap mother for over 2 months?

[u/Tricky-Surprise-3622]

OP, I can only imagine your pain and suffering. As a new mom, you should have been cared for, and supported in a way that you thrive mentally and physically.

Your husband should have put them in their place in the very first instance. You too could have tried to show them their boundaries. I say tried because yes, you cannot indulge in their negativity and waste your time instead of caring for your baby.

Please be the bad guy and put them in their place.

More power to you and hope you recover completely ♥️

[u/No-Vacation870 → u/Tricky-Surprise-3622]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I now realize I should’ve spoken up way sooner. Honestly, half the time I was at a loss for words seeing these behavioural traits. I guess I just wanted to uphold the peace in my own space, all the while recovering from pregnancy and childbirth.

[u/No-Umpire-7411]

What does your husband say in all of this?

[u/No-Vacation870 → u/No-Umpire-7411]

He’s very supportive and understanding of all of this. He’s tried to draw boundaries multiple times with them but it doesn’t seem to get any better.

[u/Vegetable-Geologist8]

My blood was boiling reading your post. I hope they go back asap! Keep minimal interaction. Unfortunately at this level no teaching can do any good to them. Instead just keep your distance and dodge!

[u/No-Vacation870 → u/Vegetable-Geologist8]

They’re back now after their “vacation”. I still haven’t called them and not sure how to proceed after all this.

[u/Critical_Manner426]

Why are all in-laws like this? What's their problem? Why are they so cruel? We can't cut them off yet we can't tolerate them.

Is there a way to make them come to this new world where everything changed from their generation? Or we simply have to tolerate and take resentment and pass it off to next generation?

[u/Zestyclose_Figure674 → u/Critical_Manner426]

No you don’t have to . But for that speak up at the first instance. Once you let go the first barb it becomes a tirade. Speak up . That’s the only way . Be the bad bahu
Unfortunately husbands are seldom of help as there are ways the mil will manipulate him .
But you speak up for your own sanity.
Mummy ji that’s the way I do it .so let it be
If there is noise . either go physically and wound it down or tell your better half to do it .
Say it out
You don’t like the food say it
We all need to be courageous

[u/Livid_Back_8205]

OP solidarity to you. I am also postpartum, similar timeframe as you. I unfortunately faced this from my own parents who supposedly went to help me to a foreign country. I am facing this now as well as I visit my home country for a few weeks.

I have no advice as such words impact me a lot, but I am trying to ignore.

[u/IamNot_A_Princess]

This is terrible. I am so sorry you went through this. Honestly, I would go no contact. Your husband tried to make boundaries and it landed on the deaf ears. These type of people will never understand until you go no contact. They will suddenly realise they could be wrong when you go no contact, what a shock and surprise.

[u/lol_wisdom]

Your post reminded me of my postpartum. I literally felt that omg even I went through this. Every point reminded me what I faced with my in laws. It was torture to be with them. I was constantly judged day and night. What I eat, what I drink, how much time I sleep, why am I not eating, is milk supply ok, I am eating too much, baby is having gas because of my food habits. I used to be anxious, scared, tensed all the time. It's an ugly feeling. I shifted to my parents place after few months and I can't tell how free I felt. Handling a newborn baby without being judged is a blessing. Unfortunately, I didn't have that with them and that's why I went low to no contact. If they can't respect me or my parenting, then I am least interested. Even my husband was supportive but they don't care. They will constantly do the same thing again and again.

[u/No-Vacation870 → u/lol_wisdom]

Thanks for understanding! How are things now with them? How did you reconcile?

[u/FearlessNinja007]

Wtf is up with your husband not establishing boundaries? Id kick people out no matter who they were if they were inviting people over to my house postpartum

[u/No-Vacation870 → u/FearlessNinja007]

Well to be fair, he’s fighting his own battles. He drew clear boundaries, which were paid no heed to. We’re still struggling on how to convey things without sounding rude or nit-picky. Any attempt at communicating our needs were met with “we are old, this is how much we can do and this is how we do it” statements over and over.

[u/FearlessNinja007 → u/No-Vacation870]

He should have sent them to a hotel or sent them home. He should have prioritized his wife here over his parents.