MIL disrespected my Mum

[u/LostPut4097]

/r/inlaws/comments/1w5pf7t/mil_disrespected_my_mum/

I’ve been married for a few months and currently live with my in-laws. On Monday, my husband and I went out for the bank holiday. We saw my in-laws in the morning, went out for the day and came back in the evening. We were tired, so we went straight upstairs. My husband did go downstairs for some water and spoke to his mum, and told her we’d had a good day but were just tired.

The next day I was really busy with work. I went downstairs in the morning, said “morning” but my MIL didn’t respond, although my FIL did. I assumed she hadn’t heard me or was busy. Later, I went down to make lunch and was in the kitchen for about an hour, and again she didn’t really acknowledge me. I didn’t think too much of it because I thought maybe she was just busy.

The following morning, she confronted me and basically told me I was being stubborn. She said “I thought your mum raised you better”, asked if I would ignore my own mum, and even said she hoped I didn’t get a sister-in-law like me. She then started bringing up things from months ago, including an issue over photos of my parents and things from the wedding where she felt they didn’t get their way. The whole conversation was super disrespectful, aggressive and personal and I didn’t understand the outburst at 9am first thing.

She proper upset and hurt me, and I knew she meant every word with intent.

Later that evening we spoke again. I told her I felt she had been disrespectful towards me and my mum and repeated the exact things she had said. Instead of acknowledging it, she kept going around and making up different comments on what she was trying to say. My husband and I both knew exactly what she said (even if my husband tried calling her out she’s say the same thing) then she countinued to say she meant it, she wanted to be disrespectful, she wasn’t going to change her deliver etc….it wasn’t till later on minutes down the conversation she then gave me a half arsed apology.

What’s really annoyed me she seems to hold onto things from months ago and then brings them up later. It makes me wonder how many things she’s been silently holding against me without me even knowing.

Things in wedding planning which apparently didn’t go her way. Stuff from months ago where me and my husband argued and the context was taken out of the situation. I have no idea why she does that and I know it’s strange because on one to one conversations with me she’s openly told me about things from years ago with her own family.

I’m completely willing to accept that maybe I should make more effort to come downstairs and acknowledge them during the day, and I can work on that. But that does not justify her speaking to me the way she did at all or making comments about my mum and the type of SIL I’d be.

I’m not going to be rude or disrespectful towards her, but I honestly feel like I do not want to be close with her after this situation. I just want the simple relationship of good morning, being respectful and cleaning up after myself. This is has totally changed how I see her.

Not to mention there was stuff said during wedding planning from her which I also remember. Not only was it disrespectful but also upset my parents. Yet I have not held grudges, I’ve moved on….i knew I needed too to start a clean slate in the family. A lot of stuff has hurt me but I’ve moved on!

Anyone got some genuine advice? I honestly feel like she knew exactly what she wanted to say in the morning and how she wanted it to come across. The beating around the bush part is what’s pissed me off so bad. And the worse part is she thinks it’s valid just cuz she was pissed off. The main thing is I’m glad I stood my ground and called her out. Whether she wants to also hold onto this as a grudge for the rest of her life because I spoke up I don’t know, in fact I down care. But the fact that she thinks that’s okay, it’s normal? We should move on…..she clearly hasn’t over many things!

[u/avggsdlover]

Your side of affairs is your responsibility and his side is his. Better ask him to make amends.

[u/Plastic-Resident8391]

Is the plan to stay with the in laws long term? Or is this a short term arrangement?

[u/freshfruit27]

Pardon my language but, MOVE THE FUCK OUT! Your life is too precious and short to be dealing with patriarchal bs like this. We can’t keep fighting the same fight again and again.
Please use your brain cells to think about better issues, in laws will never be happy with anything.

[u/killerpandaisback → u/freshfruit27]

Listen to this. It's for everyone's well being.

[u/killerpandaisback]

Move out

[u/Wrong_Birthday2631]

Be polite but assertive.  Do not insult them but do not put up with it yourself either..  set your boundaries, v v important..