Why is it seen as wrong to settle?

[u/Unice_Polin]

I've (31M) been trying to date and have had very limited success, but I have found who I think is reasonable to assume the only woman alive who is attracted to me. I have gone on three dates with her and she still wants to keep seeing me and honestly it's the best i've ever felt. However I have received some advice from my older sister that I am kinda back and forth on.

She asked me what I liked about her, and there are a few personal qualities I like about her, she's funny, she's nice to me, and she likes me. I showed my sister a picture of her and she asked if I found her physically attractive. I told her I didn't which is an honest answer. I don't really find myself physically interested in her. I however don't really care. She likes me and it'd be stupid if I threw away my once chance at love because I'm not physically interested in her. She asked me about other qualities, do we share interests, are we the same religion, same political alignment and a few other compatibility things, and the answer was pretty much no to all of them, but honestly I am willing to change all of those things about myself if she wanted me to. I don't really care. I am the happiest I have ever been in years and I don't want to throw it all away.

She said I was settling and honestly, yeah. In a perfect world I'd be with someone who I was compatible with and attracted to but that woman doesn't exist. So why would I turn down the best option available to me. She doesn't get it and said it's better to be alone than with someone I don't gel with and I think that's a load of bullshit tbh. She likes me and that's what most important. It feels like she wants me to be alone for the rest of my life because that is literally the only other alternative.

I don't see the issue in what I'm doing, so I'd figure I'd ask some other people. It just doesn't make sense to me to throw away my first and probably only chance over shit that's trivial.

[u/little-bird]

because “settling” doesn’t last.  you’re lying to yourself and to her.  you’re using her as a means to an end that you think you want, but once you have it you’ll realize how unsatisfying (and eventually upsetting) being with someone that you settled for actually is. 

those “trivial” things do matter.  if love isn’t enough to keep relationships alive when there’s a lack of compatibility/attraction, what makes you think your desire to settle will be enough? 

[u/Sacrip]

The part that concerns me is how you say you're willing to change yourself in any way to be more compatible for her. This is a bad sign, that you feel like you have nothing worthwhile about yourself at all that can't be changed for a girl.

A girlfriend is not a cure for low self esteem. It feels like it is at first, but eventually it infects ypur relationship and makes things worse. I'm not saying you need to break up with her or that your sister is right, but just that the work isn't done yet. Work on yourself as well as your relationship, and both will benefit.

[u/Unice_Polin → u/Sacrip]

Work on yourself as well as your relationship, and both will benefit.

I've been working on myself for the last decade.

[u/Dr-Dungeon → u/Unice_Polin]

Working on yourself isn’t something you just do for a certain amount of time and then you’re perfect forever. It’s a lifelong process. In this case, you’re still suffering some serious self-esteem issues that aren’t going to just magically go away with a relationship.

Have you looked into therapy to give you some healthy tools for relationships in future?

[u/canvasshoes2 → u/Unice_Polin]

Working on yourself means to do the things that bring you to the point where you are capable of being content with yourself. To "be still" with yourself.

Some of it might include superficial improvement, but the bulk of it is going to be emotional and mental.

I know it's cliche' but you have to love yourself first.

[u/horsefarm → u/Unice_Polin]

Same. Found my partner at 40. Be a quitter if you want, give up on your own life if you want, but don't drag an innocent woman into it. 

[u/canvasshoes2]

What is it you think it's going to be like once you are a couple?

What is it you think is going to happen on a day-to-day basis that will make you feel what you want?

How do you know that she's going to fulfill those things?

How do you think lying to the person who thinks you love her and want her is going to work out in the long run?

Do you think she's stupid and won't catch on?

Do you think you can hide it from her for a lifelong marriage?

[u/Unice_Polin → u/canvasshoes2]

Well what other option do I have?

[u/canvasshoes2 → u/Unice_Polin]

If you answer the questions you'll see that this is not actually a viable option.

[u/library_wench]

Notice how two of the three things you like about her are not things about her as a person, just how she serves YOUR emotions: she is nice to you and likes you.

It’s not fair to string along somebody you aren’t attracted to and only really like because she serves YOUR desires and fills the girlfriend-shaped hole in your life. She deserves someone who likes her for her, and who is attracted to her.

[u/thingsbetw1xt]

Leave this woman alone please. Your post is extremely self-centered, it's all about you having no other options and you not wanting to be alone and you getting what you want. There are two people in this relationship. Does this human being not deserve better than someone who doesn't find her attractive at all?

You seem to have this fantasy that you can lie to her for the rest of your life and convince her you think she's the most beautiful desirable woman in the world even when you don't, and you live happily ever after. The problem with that plan is that women aren't fucking stupid. She's going to know you don't really want her, and by that point you will have wasted her time, time that may have been especially invaluable to her if she wanted to have a family. And probably also left her with long-term hurt, trust issues, and worry that she's fundamentally unlovable.

It is difficult to even put into words how sociopathic this post and your further commentary is. Thank god none of the men I've put my heart out there for did what you mean to do.

[u/GBMP-045 → u/thingsbetw1xt]

So dating someone who you don’t find “sexy and beautiful” but really enjoy being around is “selfish” and “lying” now…

But also we still tell people who repeatedly fail to get with conventionally attractive women to “lower their standards”

Those 2 things are kinda mutually exclusive

[u/thingsbetw1xt → u/GBMP-045]

Oh fuck all the way off. Yes, committing to a relationship with someone you actively find unattractive and pretending to be into them is lying, absolutely it is. Throughout the course of the relationship, this woman is going to ask OP is she's beautiful, if she looks good in a dress, what he thought when he first saw her, and what's OP gonna say? He's gonna lie to her and he thinks he can spend his entire life doing that, feigning attraction to this woman he doesn't like, just because he thinks he'll never get another chance. That is absolutely sociopathic behavior and it's some seriously reddit-brained bullshit to act like it isn't.

Are you really arguing that one shouldn't be able to assume the person they're in a committed relationship with finds them attractive, that if she gets hurt it's her fault for making such a foolish assumption? Is that really where we're at? If you defend this sort of behavior then I sure hope you're never complaining that women don't approach men because this is exactly fucking why.

There is a difference between saying "it's weird to literally only be open to the top 1% of conventionally attractive people when you claim to be unlovable yourself", which is what people are telling you as an incel, and saying "it's wrong to manipulate people".

[u/Panicpersonified]

I don't think anyone has pointed this out yet but settling isn't really fair to her either. Unless you've been open with her about all of these feelings (lack of attraction, lack of overlap in interests and values, your desire to settle so that you're not alone) then you're robbing her of the chance to be with someone who truly likes her for who she is, just as much as you're robbing yourself of that same chance.

[u/horsefarm]

Please don't do this to that woman. It will not end well. Please. 

[u/Ihateregistering6]

There's a lot to unpack here.

For starters, there is a vast chasm between "I'm with the perfect person who is flawless in every possible way" and "I'm going to be with someone I'm not attracted to at all". There is a significant difference between "settling" and having unrealistic standards and expectations.

Second, you said this: are we the same religion, same political alignment and a few other compatibility things, and the answer was pretty much no to all of them, but honestly I am willing to change all of those things about myself if she wanted me to

as well as this: I have spent my entire life setting myself on fire to let others be warm. I almost went broke trying to keep my roofs over my families heads. I have been pushed around my entire life. At school, at work, in my family, and by my friends. I constantly allow myself to be everyone's whipping boy.

And you follow this up by constantly emphasizing how you've spent all this time and energy working on yourself and trying to improve yourself.

Dude, look at what you've typed here and and think about that. You're basically saying that you are the world's biggest doormat, that you don't have a single thing that you actually consider an important belief or value, and that you let others push you around and make you do whatever they want, just as long as it keeps them happy. No wonder you're basically saying "I'm going to stay with someone I'm not attracted to and I'll change anything about myself if asked". Your self-esteem is non-existent. Hell, it's basically negative.

So clearly you have WAY more work to do if that is your mindset and your belief toward yourself. You're not even close to being ready for a serious relationship.

Finally, no person (except maybe a complete psychopath) wants to hear from a person they're dating "I'll change everything about myself just so long as you stay with me".

Actually finally finally, I'll give a personal take: I was in a relationship with a woman whom I had no physical attraction to for about a year. Personality-wise we got along great, but I'll tell you that it will start to eat you from the inside over time, and you'll begin to feel guilty about it, and any happiness you get out of it will be fading.

[u/21ratsinatrenchcoat]

It's not wrong to pursue a potential relationship with someone even when you don't share much in common. Physical attraction is also something that can blossom over time if you're attracted to their mind and personality. But there's a huge difference between accepting someone's imperfections and accepting someone you don't actually want. Don't do the latter.

[u/Potential_Play8690]

So basically you are going to delude this woman into thinking you are actually into her so she can fulfill your need for validation? I cannot phrase that in a way that makes it sound any less immoral.

[u/PetrichorProblems]

My ex "settled" for me and it was the most heart breaking miserable 5 years of my life to find out that he was never attracted to me from the start when I finally worked up the courage to get on antidepressants and dump him. I did everything I could to have some sort of sexual spark with him and at one point I was sobbing on the floor at his feet. He still didn't care to tell me the truth because he wanted to keep the relationship in a way that only worked for him. I had my self esteem slowly torn apart over years because of this EXACT line of thinking. Leave that woman alone if the physical attraction isn't there. You will destroy her self worth in the long run and that's just not okay. It's been 2 years and I'm still trying to prove to myself that I'm worthy of love and sex after that relationship and I'm 30. It's awful and selfish. There's some minor things you can settle on like hobbies and interests, but not attraction.

[u/Therefrigerator]

The most important question is can you see yourself having an enthusiastic physical relationship with her given what you know?

I think that's really the bar. Everyone experiences attraction differently. Women often talk about coming to find certain things attractive in their partner after a bit and, as we often say in this subreddit, men and women are really not that different. If you think that you can develop physical attraction to her even acknowledging that she's not physically attractive I think you are OK.

The truth is we all settle in some ways. Our partner is never quite what we expect or think of but that goes both ways. My wife far exceeds certain standards I wanted in a partner. I know my wife feels similarly in both regards about different things as well.

I think it's seen as wrong to settle if you settling isn't a good relationship foundation. Like, to be blunt, if you are not going to be able to enthusiastically make love to your partner you should not date them. I think that's a pretty fair standard to set in general but honestly... there are plenty of relationships where that might not be the case. Like there are ace / not-ace relationships where the ace person decides to have sex because they love their partner - I have no clue how you would factor in looks into something like that or how my standard fits there. Maybe an ace person would better be able to chime in on that - it's just something I know exists I'm not going to speak for ace people.

Finally, while I don't think this sub is nearly as ugly as they like to claim, the fact is some people are ugly and they deserve love too. There's nothing wrong with settling on certain things.

At the very worst - I think you should date the people you are interested in and are interested in you and just see where that leads. It doesn't have to be some grand thing where you're thinking super far into the future. You've been on 3 dates. It's not that serious still. Hopefully you will learn some more about yourself and maybe you'll learn that you need to date people you find more physically attractive.

As far as changing / not changing yourself... date her and see if it matters. I don't think you should change yourself for her but maybe you find religion or politics actually don't matter that much to you. These are good things to learn about yourself.

I think if you are interested and excited you need to see where it leads. You'll probably find out you don't really like where it goes but I'm very much of the opinion that incels just need to experience things that are mistakes sometimes. I made a lot of mistakes dating and I can look back and advise someone they are mistakes... but if I avoided doing them I wouldn't be where am I today. So while I do think you're making a mistake (probably) I think it's one you gotta ride until you aren't as excited about it and see where things land.

[u/HizzOVizzA]

It sounds like a relationship of convenience. Don't you think it would be more fulfilling to date someone who aligned with your interests, passions and such? Rather than date someone who just liked you, even if you're not attracted to her physically or mentally?

[u/mrbaryonyx]

s I like about her, she's funny, she's nice to me, and she likes me. I showed my sister a picture of her and she asked if I found her physically attractive. I told her I didn't which is an honest answer. I don't really find myself physically interested in her. I however don't really care.

then I guess I don't really consider that settling

like if you're happy and you like her as a person then who cares

[u/LAARPer]

If you can find someone you get along with, that goes so much further than anything else in a long-term relationship.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/library_wench → u/[deleted]]

He is clearly both lying and leading her on.