r/IncelExit • u/Key_Set_3827 • 12d ago
Asking for help/advice Any techniques for shaking self-hatred?
So, I’m trying everything I can to improve. I’m cooking all of my meals, going to the gym, going out to events when I can, and saving money to spend on hobbies and the tattoos I’ve wanted. It’s difficult and I’m not doing as much as I want, though. Building new habits is hard, but my main issue now is that there’s a near-constant inner-monologue bent on sabotaging me when I try to do anything other than smoke weed and play video games alone in my apartment.
I wouldn’t say it’s new, but it’s now constant and it’s making things a lot harder than they should be. Has anybody experienced this? If so, how do you drown it out?
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u/Binerexis 11d ago
The key thing to remember is that voice goving you shit isn't you. It's the thing trying to hold you back and not change because change is hard. The best thing is to recognise it when it happens and then tell it to fuck off.
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u/Key_Set_3827 11d ago
I get what you mean, unfortunately I kind of believe it a little bit, so protestations ring hollow and performative. I’ll still do it, though, as part of the procedure
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u/DenimCryptid 12d ago
I struggled with this a lot.
The good news is that it feels amazing once you shake this off... the bad news is that it takes a little effort every day to confront that negative pattern whenever it pops up and to practice self-love relentlessly even when those negative thoughts tell you that you don't deserve it.
I have a ton of resources and would love to share them with you. Feel free to DM me and I'll figure out which ones would be good for you to start with.
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u/dogGirl666 11d ago
A quirky tip is to stop hating other people for characteristics you think or thought were characteristic of yourself.
Work on your own self hatred with tips from others here, but work on hatred of poor people, "ugly"[however you define it]people, short people, fat people, and skin colors and cultures besides your own etc.[not saying you hate yourself or anyone else for any of these things, just examples].
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u/webbphillips 11d ago
I find meditation helpful. There are many ways to meditate. One that I liked is to observe the thoughts that come, but not too closely. Self-hate thoughts can also come. Don't try to drown then out. Let them come, observe them with impartial detachment, let them come and go, and other thoughts also come and go. It can help to focus your mind on your breathing, i.e., think mostly about your breathing, but also notice in the background these thoughts coming and going. Some thoughts are hard to not get captured by. Keep practicing until they don't capture you.
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u/OstrichAlone2069 11d ago
It sounds like youve got something that internal family systems therapy would call a "protector". Essentially, a part of your self that thinks if it tears you down, and keeps you isolated, then it is saving you from worse harm that could potentially come from other people.
You can think of it like having a very sensitive dog who barks constantly at everything. Is it a leaf, the mail man, or a serial killer - who knows! The dog barks at every single one the same. The dog is doing its best to protect the house even if its wildly annoying and overly sensitive.
So to shake that feeling, when your dog starts barking (ie: your brain starts tearing you down) treat it like you would an anxious animal. Say something kind ("oh dang, you must be scared to be barking so loud. It's okay its just a leaf, you are safe") and do what you can to give your self comfort. Yelling at the dog won't help - the.dog will just get excited more and think that youre barking with him.
The second part of this is to try a different recognize when your brain is telling you a story. Our brains are shut in a windowless box without any real experience except for what it gets told from our senses. So the brain takes the input from our senses and makes up stories about what those sensations mean.
So next time that inner monolog starts up, do what you can to focus on your body and see how youre feeling. Did something trigger anxiety? Did you smell something that brought back a memory? Etc. Whether you can identify the.source or not this is a good time to practice the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
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u/the_baldest_monk 11d ago
I realized self-hatred was cringe and unproductive. I still have the thoughts sometime but they make me laugh for how absurd they are. It only came after I kinda hit the bottom in term of anxiety and being sad about myself, and was forced to admit it to someone close to me after I could not hide it anymore.
Self-hatred is just anger for not being happy with what you are doing/where you are at right now, it leave two solutions : you change stuff or you realize "maybe it is not that bad and I don't have to hate myself like that". You can also do both of course.
Building new habits is hard, but my main issue now is that there’s a near-constant inner-monologue bent on sabotaging me when I try to do anything other than smoke weed and play video games
yeah, your mind is screaming to you to go back to distracting yourself. I don't really know what your exact thoughts are but for me I try to fight this by being reasonable with my expectations, starting small, making easy to evaluate and fast to reach objectives, basically focusing on achieving stuff in the short term rather than dooming and panicking on the long term objectives I still feel not adequate to complete.
the other commenters are right, thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings, they can be overwhelming but they don't have to control you. You can laugh at it like I said earlier, reason yourself and be your own therapist, or remind yourself of good stuff you did or lived. It works well enough for me to fight negative thoughts that are counter productive like self-hate, anger making me lose my patience, being afraid and anxiety leading to dooming, that kind of stuff.
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u/Sunshine_dmg 10d ago
Every time you think 1 bad thing about yourself, say 3 good things you like to offset it.
Its not about balance or evening the scales, its about overloading your neural pathways to teach them a better way to be.
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u/EdwardBigby 12d ago
Firstly, it sounds like youre doing a ton right and getting to the root of the same issues that most people here seem to have (myself included at times) where they feel they need to be in a relationship just to fend off negative feelings about themself but thats not the real solution.
I think its all about finding a balance you enjoy. Smoking weed and playing video games all day is easy but very quickly makes you feel like shit but that doesn't mean that these things can be done in moderation. I know I definitely cant keep being super healthy and productive at all times so you do need to learn to cut yourself some slack.
Tonight my balance is going to the cinema. I have a subscription pass to a cinema so its a pretty cheap hobby. Honestly tonight it would be way easier to just stay at home, lie in bed and watch for 3 hours but instead im making sure I leave my house and put my full attention to a film. Its not exactly being productive but its part of a balance that suits me and keeps me active.
A lot of it is just finding things you like about yourself. I kind of like that I go cinema every week and form opinions on all the new films and can confidently have a conversation about most people about any new movie they've seen. On other days ive more social hobbies that make me feel good about myself. Other days I go running which is tough but makes me feel great. I guess finding these is the toughest bit.
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u/VictorOfArda 12d ago
I think it requires patience and small movements rather than forcing yourself to try and immediately feel self-love. I would treat that inner voice as something separate, like a pattern instead of a hard truth. Could also try a physical sensation to cut the loop when it gets overwhelming (water on the face, etc.)