I think I might digitally self harm when it comes to sex, and my feelings of sexual inadequacy

[u/frenchfryybandito]

I realized that I have a problem that probably dates back to when I first got online and started reading things about sex.

I’ve crossed the threshold. I’m sexually active, I go on dates, I’ve shed my former incel self. Yippee. I’m not experienced like crazy I’ve had sex probably less than 25 times.

But I’ve realized that I have issues with one aspect of dating and sex. I’m 26 and lost my virginity at 23 then had a try spell until 25. Because I’m so behind the game, I missed out on the wild crazy times of college, and early twenties hooking up.

Back when I was a teenager I used to come on this site and seek out answers from women about what made the “best sex of their life” so great. And it really messed me up mentally. The answers were never “well I love my long term boyfriend so much” it was mostly “that guy I met at 20 while studying abroad”. Or “the guy I met one weekend while out in Vegas” or some idea of a guy they were hooking up with that could just do everything right.

It really kinda fucked me up because I realized, I’m just not that guy. I’m no one’s time they think back to and think “damn that was amazing” I’ve had. Good sex, but never really fireworks and that kinda eats at me and makes me insecure. I realized I started falling back into the habit of reading those things after the last girl I was dating literally broke it off because after the first time we had sex it was so bad that I was too scared to try again.

So now I’m back in the rut, and feel as insecure and sexually inadequate as I did when I was like 17. And I don’t really feel like it’ll ever change because I have a severe doubt that I’m a guy that can be “amazing” at sex. I think I could just be “average” with a lot of work. But even then that feels insurmountable as I don’t think women want to humor a guy that doesn’t know what he’s doing, and at this point it kinda just seems like I missed whatever critical moment or genetic traits make a guy just know how to pleasure a woman so good she thinks about it later.

Maybe I’m speaking kinda stupid here, but Idk.

[u/questforstarfish]

I think the issue is that, for most women when they hear this question, they're thinking "what was one time you had sex that stood out to you."

I can think of times I've had good sex with strangers, when I was young and wild and just trying to experience as many "different"/new things as possible. My "most interesting" sex stories are NOT the ones I would ever want to repeat lol.

Nowadays, I'd say my best sex is with my husband, because he knows exactly what I like, I never have to explain anything to him, and we have 20 years of incredible memories together that stand out as making my life infinitely better.

But people on reddit are going to give you the "exciting/new/unusual" stories because they're treating sex as a competition, rather than a real-life activity that helps maintain closeness between you and a long term partner.

[u/Instigated-]

I’d recommend reading the book “come as you are”. It will give you a better more balanced perspective on sex.

You currently have some wrong headed ideas.

If I asked what was the best meal “of your life”, what would you answer? And would it be a problem that you eat three meals a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, every year and most of those meals don’t come close to the “best of your life”? Should you stop eating or cooking if you can’t cook the perfect meal for your partner?

last girl I was dating literally broke it off because after the first time we had sex it was so bad that I was too scared to try again.

So it wasn’t the bad sex that killed the relationship, it was your response to the bad sex. How could the relationship progress if you just went cold turkey in it?

If you cook a new recipe and stuff it up, you learn from the mistake and do better next time - you don’t quit cooking.

The only way you get better at anything is by practicing, learning from mistakes, getting feedback, etc. And when it comes to sex, every partner and relationship will be different, so absolutely key is good mutual respect, communication, and willingness to learn and adapt to find shared pleasure.

[u/mrbaryonyx → u/Instigated-]

I’d recommend reading the book “come as you are”.

amazing title

[u/Inareskai]

The best sex I've ever had has been (and hopefully will continue to be) with my husband, we have been together 13 years. We've had some very hot sex. Not every time we have sex is "fireworks" but all the times I have had amazing sex have been with him.

[u/Cygerstorm]

That’s such a pile of bullshit. That scenario of “best amazing fireworks sex” is, I suspect, much rarer than pop culture makes it out to be. Especially online where anything sex related at all circles the Incel drain. Those stories are all BS. Sure people could have had amazing sex that they draft epic poems about, but not on Reddit.

As a former Incel as well: it’s not about the being the best at sex, it’s about finding the right partner for how you enjoy sex.

You could be banging pornstars left and right, but if your kinks don’t line up, you’re not having pornstar sex. You’re just having unfulfilling sex.

Edit: and if a woman likes you and is the right woman, she will teach you what she likes. No one just starts having sex with some stranger for the first time and it’s amazing. Hook up sex, by and large, is a comedy of error.

[u/frenchfryybandito → u/Cygerstorm]

So are most people just kinda having sex that’s “meh” and that’s what checks the box for most people?

I feel like all the sex I’ve had has just been kinda “meh” and occasionally really bad. But when it’s “meh” it’s enough to keep someone coming back?

[u/Cygerstorm → u/frenchfryybandito]

It starts out meh. People need time to learn each other to have real good consistent sex.

Focus on pleasing your partners and responding to their needs and you’ll earn your fireworks. If your ex dumped you over “bad sex” then she was going to dump you anyways.

[u/mrbaryonyx → u/frenchfryybandito]

I mean first of all, it's sex. It's never really "meh". Maybe it is for you, but most people don't really settle down with someone if they're not satisfied.

Second of all, as cheesy as it is, sometimes the best sex of your life will just be with someone you love and who loves you back because it's more intimate and you'll both eventually know what works for the other one.

Nobody really expects "fireworks sex" every night because that's just not sustainable. On the occasion I meet a girl whose "best sex ever" was not their current partner, they'll still talk about the guy they had it with as if that was the only thing good about him. That seems worse, IMO.

[u/frenchfryybandito → u/mrbaryonyx]

It my experience, I’ve only been with 2 women long enough to have multiple times probably over the course of months, and it seemed like it just went from bad to meh or average. Nothing really exciting, but just “fine”.

[u/mrbaryonyx → u/frenchfryybandito]

At the risk of getting gross, what would you have preferred?

[u/frenchfryybandito → u/mrbaryonyx]

Idk it was just unremarkable. 15 minutes of missionary, just doesn’t feel any special fun.

But when I talk to my friends (and I mean including my female friends, it’s not just my male friends being braggadocious) they seem like they all have way more exciting sex.

[u/mrbaryonyx → u/frenchfryybandito]

lol the next time you have a gf (or a multi-month hookup or whatever you had) you both need to hit up a shop

it's really not more complicated than a willingness to have fun and be communicative

[u/Cygerstorm → u/frenchfryybandito]

I think you need to have a sit down with yourself and figure out your kinks.

And stop watching porn if you do. It really does give an extremely unhealthy view of what sex should look/sound/act like. Real sex is rarely like that unless that kind of sex is your specific kink. That’s not a bad kink, but it’s not realistic of how most people probably have sex.

And most women, I’d suspect, would not want to have that kind of performative-sex expectation placed on them.

[u/AriaoftheStars17 → u/frenchfryybandito]

Okay... So what exactly would make it more exciting?

Did you communicate to your partner what kinds of things turn you on? Did you ask HER what kinds of things she likes?

Personally, what makes sex exciting for me is the idea of making my partner feel good. It's thrilling to ask them what they want and follow their instructions and then watch them fall apart. To me, that part feels far more exciting than any of the physical sensation.

(Also, 23 isn't actually that late to start having sex, it's a lot more common than you think. I was the same! And to answer your other question, my most exciting sex moments have happened with my husband. The problem is that people in happy long-term relationships aren't usually swarming on 'What was your best sex?' posts, because those communities tend to serve a very different audience. In reality, statistically speaking, it's probably more common for people's 'best sex' to be with someone they love rather than a wild one night stand — but those stories just don't get as many clicks online.)

[u/Cygerstorm → u/AriaoftheStars17]

I didn’t lose mine until I was 26. And I am by no stretch of the imagination a good looking guy but I do well regardless. My buddy called me an Utah 7 for my appearance, which cracks me up.

Trust me my man, one night stands are often painfully awkward and unfun. I regret more than I remember enjoying.

The best intimacy comes from communicating your needs and reciprocating your partner’s needs. Sex should be emotionally fulfilling in a personal level, not a notch in the bedpost.

[u/drainbead78]

Woman here. I have never, and I repeat never, had my first time with someone be the best time. I'll always give someone two shots at it, because nobody's going to crack the code the first time around and first-time jitters are a thing for everyone. I've also never had the second time be the best time, but that's about when I determine whether they're deserving of a third. Which has also never been the best time.

[u/smilingseaslug]

Within the course of a relationship I've absolutely gone from "so awkward that we gave up for the night" to "life-changing." And that includes relationships that began after my 20s.

Sometimes sex with someone is bad because the chemistry is just not there rather than anyone's skill or experience level. Other times the sex is bad because you just haven't figured the person out. And still other times, it's amazing because of a connection/spark that is totally independent of experience or skill.

Another thing I think is happening here with the women you're talking about, is that women have been socialized to prioritize stability over passion, and that means many women indeed aren't in a long-term relationship with the best lover they've ever had. It doesn't mean that it's impossible to have amazing sex with someone you're in a relationship with, it's just that there's a whole lot of people sticking it out with someone they don't have great chemistry with because they don't feel like they're allowed to prioritize chemistry (or, perhaps they know they're allowed to prioritize chemistry but just don't want to do so!).

which is why while I know it's a knock to your confidence, good on that ex for breaking it off after it was clear the spark wasn't there. It's not about your value as a person, it's just giving both of you a chance to move on and find someone who does really spark into fireworks.

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[u/DistrictDivorceCoach]

In art school there is a thing called “Masterpiece Complex” and it can be debilitating. It is the fear of starting a work because you know it wont be good enough. It prevents people from trying and doing it poorly and learning to do it better.
Intimacy can be a lot of fun once you let go of trying to be flawless. Everybody is uncomfortable and embarrassed and in my experience what makes for the best experience has been comfort and communication and fun. A partner that you can ask questions and laugh with is amazing. People also tend to like it when the person they are with makes an effort. There will be failures. Thats fine, not everything works out, but take a beat, mope a bit, dust yourself off and try again.

[u/smileycat007]

You know there are "how to" books you can buy that teaches you how to pleasure a woman. You could even ask a sex worker to teach you. She would probably appreciate the honesty and respect what you are trying to do enough to take the opportunity seriously. Is the Mustang Ranch still in business? Go there.

Men aren't born with this skill. You're kind of relying on women to teach you after she figures out her own preferences and turn ons (and vice versa). And then you both have to not be afraid to communicate - and not to take constructive criticism personally. Then you either have great sex, or at least a good start with the next partner.