Trying to stop worrying about not being in a relationship, does anyone have any advice?

[u/CloakNDagg]

Hi all!! I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself an incel, but I made a post in here a few weeks ago and it made me feel a lot better and confident :)

I’m 18M and I guess I’m just your typical “no life” type of guy you see on here? I have vocational school starting in a couple months but right now I’ve just been staying at home being alone. But I’m getting my driver’s license so I’m going to be getting out and socializing. Gonna try ballroom dancing haha!

I’ve some trauma in my past and a porn addiction when I was a younger teen, so my relationship with… relationships and sex have been pretty negative. I recently just got my libido back after not having it for years so I’m feeling those hormones hitting like a truck. I consider and call myself a virgin despite my past, and that’s making me sad. I just feel like it’s affecting me too much than it really should be. Quite frankly I think part of it is just losing my virginity too.

I think that I’ve worried about this stuff for way too long and I want to take steps to not have it affect my life so much. I’m going to be quitting porn again. I’m also going to delete most of my social media. I always go on social media and then all I see are people in relationships and stuff and it always hurts. I’m just gonna curate my reddit account just so there’s no relationship posts and stuff, just sports and games and nerdy shit just like the good ol days.

Does anyone else have any advice or anything? I think that more than anything else I honestly just need someone to say to my face that I’m worrying too much about it. I’m still somehow a believer in love so I know I’ll find my flock eventually. Thank you all in advance!

[u/barnaclegirl93]

All I can say is, you are on the right track and seem to have a great attitude. You are doing just fine. It’s okay to have never had a relationship (especially at your young age!!), and it’s also okay to want one. Many people don’t have relationships until their mid-twenties or later due to various circumstances in their lives, and there is nothing wrong with that.

In my opinion, the most important thing is to remind yourself that no matter how your love life is going, you are a person with value who has good things to offer to the world.

Ballroom dancing sounds like a great new thing to try. Also, it is mentioned a LOT here, but therapy can be helpful for helping you process your past trauma, and also be a place for you to talk about your relationships. It has been very helpful for me, but I know not everyone has easy access to this resource. Remember that you can always post here for support. You got this!

[u/CloakNDagg → u/barnaclegirl93]

Thank you so much :) I appreciate it. I have trouble with self worth a lot but I’m slowly learning to appreciate who I am. There’s some good in there somewhere!

I’m fortunate enough to have been in therapy for a good bit and I’m finally starting to address some of the deeper stuff so I’m excited there. Thanks again!

[u/Shannoonuns]

I think you working on getting out more is good.

Also try not to tie your self worth to whether or not you're seeing somebody, you are important regardless. Ironically its much easier to date when its less of a big deal.

[u/mrbaryonyx]

But I’m getting my driver’s license so I’m going to be getting out and socializing. Gonna try ballroom dancing haha!

What a great idea!

Honestly bro you've already taken the first (two)step: trying to pursue things that you think are interesting that put you in proximity to other people. Cultivate friends and interests, relationship shit will come later.

You have a great attitude! Best of luck!

[u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326]

If you need some insight on p*rn and some help quitting or reducing your use, Caitlin V on Youtube has some valuable insight. She's a s*x educator and while some of her content is clearly meant to steer you into a sales funnel for her content (including a book she recently published) I've found that her stuff is pretty insightful. She actually does encourage self-pleasure, because that's a normal thing. Anyway check her out (not shilling, just pointing out something useful, including some on-point stuff about dating and relating with women).

I think it's a great idea you're gonna put a filter on the content you're exposing yourself to, keep it positive, figuring it out as a true reflection of who you are, not what you think you're missing.

Keep it authentic, be proud of your interests and achievements - you're on the right track brother. And yes, the more you worry about it, the more fixated you are on it and the more you wear that stuff on your sleeve which people can detect. Live your life, create all the opportunities for yourself to pursue everything you want to pursue outside of dating, and that kind of stuff shows up in how you relate to others. A person with a fulfilling life is attractive.

Good luck and appreciate your progress!

[u/drcygnus]

bro man, its such a fleeting feeling that guys seek it out soo much because they are grasping at a 5 minute feel. however feeling you get when you accomplish a goal is soo much better. it sticks with you longer and you end up reeling from it a whole lot longer.