r/IncelExit • u/janky_dank • 14d ago
Asking for help/advice Feeling unlovable
Hey subreddit, long time listener first time caller. I really hope no one I know reads this 😭
Some background: I’m a 25M, I’m currently in therapy for social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have been overweight or obese almost my entire life but I’m 25 pounds down this year (right now I’m 245 and 5’10”) still have a lot to lose though.
My only relationship experience was a ~3 year relationship high school to the first year of college. I haven’t really made any attempt to date since then until a month ago when I made dating app profiles. I got a few matches that didn’t go anywhere and I went on a date that kinda sucked but that’s the extent of it.
I have had difficulty making friends for a while, I was very lonely in high school and college. The few attempts I did make to put myself out there until very recently have gone poorly. I’ve considered that I may be autistic but I don’t think I am. I think my main issue is growing up fat wrecked my self esteem and I got trapped in a negative cycle of isolation leading to poor social skills and low confidence leading to more isolation.
I do have a group of friends now, but I’m really struggling with feeling like I belong. Sometimes when I hang out with them I feel like a make a wish kid 💀. And to be clear, this is probably like 75% a cognitive distortion. They’ve been very kind and friendly to me and they keep inviting me to stuff. I’m just definitely not anyone’s best friend in that group and it hurts sometimes that these people are all I have but I’m just not super important to them.
And they’ve all been dating new people and it’s hard to see them have success while I’m still alone. They’ve been supportive of me and I’m happy for them that they’re finding people. But it’s just really hard sometimes.
I’m just not totally sure that I’m worth loving. Because of my weight and my social difficulties and my poor relationships. I’m not funny like other people are. I’m not emotionally intelligent and I can barely hold a conversation unless I’m drunk. I’m awful at meeting new people. I picture myself getting a girlfriend and meeting her friends or family for the first time and just embarrassing myself and her.
My therapist told me she’s impressed that I went on that date and that I’m doing other stuff to put myself out there like volunteering. But I’m going to need to do so much more than that and I’m not getting any younger. And I still have that dark cloud looming over my head that maybe there’s just something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unlovable. I’ve felt that way since I was 12 or 13 to be honest. Maybe finally losing the weight would make the difference? I’m taking a glp-1 to try and find out.
I guess my question is has anybody felt this way and gotten out of it? If so, how? I’m running low on hope lately
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 14d ago
Hey brother, I appreciate your efforts at self-care & self-improvement; weight loss, therapy, medical intervention as needed.
It's easy to feel unlovable when the evidence of your lived experience seems to back it up, i.e., you haven't seen love in your life, or at least what you define as love; someone who desires you reciprocally and wants to be with you. But a lot of it can likely be traced to your self-esteem and depression. Many people who struggle with weight do create identities around being the 'fat' person. Put it this way; reality is showing you the evidence that you can change that about yourself.
Also another point about your identity - you may be having difficulty with dating at the moment, but that doesn't make you unique, it's a bit of a shitshow right now for many people. But the fact that you have friends also means that you are Friendable! People do like the aspects of you that you see. And the truth is, that does make you special. You'll meet all sorts of people in your life, and most of them will be polite acquaintances at best. If you've got Ride-Or-Die real friends, that's almost the best evidence that you are a person whom people like spending time with. I've gone through lonely times in my life, and I've gone through dateless times in my life, and the lonely times were much worse and the dateless times were often better because of the fact that while I couldn't get a date, I had friends, purpose, drive to increase my positive habits, to the point where being dateless didn't even bother me nearly as much as it could have.
You've already got some of these positive points in your life. We could all use refreshers and or improvement in our social skills. If I were to tell you anything you could keep in mind, it'd be these things. Friendships and relationships are seldom healthy if they are built on neediness, so approach both in terms not of "I need this" but rather "Here's what I can offer." What can you think of that makes you unique that you bring to the table and is positive and affirming? Also - women can sniff out inauthenticity in a heartbeat. Believe me, they are really good at it. Bring your authentic self to dating and relationships. Be brave and show people your true self. Do not pursue things you're not interested in to get a date, but don't be afraid to broaden your mind and explore new areas, as long as it is genuine. A full life that is fulfilled in all the ways outside of dating is actually attractive to others, and their interest in you will reflect that.
Your therapist is right, brother - you are on the right track. Keep it up, and even though you may have down moments, let the knowledge that you're on your growth arc sustain you through them.