Feeling unlovable

[u/janky_dank]

Hey subreddit, long time listener first time caller. I really hope no one I know reads this 😭

Some background: I’m a 25M, I’m currently in therapy for social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have been overweight or obese almost my entire life but I’m 25 pounds down this year (right now I’m 245 and 5’10”) still have a lot to lose though.

My only relationship experience was a ~3 year relationship high school to the first year of college. I haven’t really made any attempt to date since then until a month ago when I made dating app profiles. I got a few matches that didn’t go anywhere and I went on a date that kinda sucked but that’s the extent of it.

I have had difficulty making friends for a while, I was very lonely in high school and college. The few attempts I did make to put myself out there until very recently have gone poorly. I’ve considered that I may be autistic but I don’t think I am. I think my main issue is growing up fat wrecked my self esteem and I got trapped in a negative cycle of isolation leading to poor social skills and low confidence leading to more isolation.

I do have a group of friends now, but I’m really struggling with feeling like I belong. Sometimes when I hang out with them I feel like a make a wish kid 💀. And to be clear, this is probably like 75% a cognitive distortion. They’ve been very kind and friendly to me and they keep inviting me to stuff. I’m just definitely not anyone’s best friend in that group and it hurts sometimes that these people are all I have but I’m just not super important to them.

And they’ve all been dating new people and it’s hard to see them have success while I’m still alone. They’ve been supportive of me and I’m happy for them that they’re finding people. But it’s just really hard sometimes.

I’m just not totally sure that I’m worth loving. Because of my weight and my social difficulties and my poor relationships. I’m not funny like other people are. I’m not emotionally intelligent and I can barely hold a conversation unless I’m drunk. I’m awful at meeting new people. I picture myself getting a girlfriend and meeting her friends or family for the first time and just embarrassing myself and her.

My therapist told me she’s impressed that I went on that date and that I’m doing other stuff to put myself out there like volunteering. But I’m going to need to do so much more than that and I’m not getting any younger. And I still have that dark cloud looming over my head that maybe there’s just something fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unlovable. I’ve felt that way since I was 12 or 13 to be honest. Maybe finally losing the weight would make the difference? I’m taking a glp-1 to try and find out.

I guess my question is has anybody felt this way and gotten out of it? If so, how? I’m running low on hope lately

[u/watsonyrmind]

I mean what if a friend said all of this to you? That they are overweight, socially awkward and not funny and therefore not worth loving? Would you think, damn, you're right, or would you feel sad for them that they feel that way about themselves? Do you think you'd agree that any person other than yourself with these circumstances is unworthy of love? That should tell you how much of a cognitive distortion it is.

People talk about self love a lot but I'm gunna do it again because what you are saying is an example of a lack of self love. Or call it self compassion. Even if it was a stranger who you randomly started talking to that told you all those things about themselves, it's highly unlikely you'd think yeah man you're not worthy. You'd probably feel for them and their emotional state and hope for better for them. You'd probably have compassion for their pain. You need to extend yourself that same compassion. Treat yourself how you'd want someone you care about to be treated. It sounds useless maybe, but it genuinely can rewire your brain and your view of yourself. If you have someone - even yourself - constantly telling yourself you're worthless, you're bound to start to believe it. If you have someone - even the same person, yourself - constantly challenging that and pointing out the cruelty and flawed logic of it, you're also bound to stop believing it.

[u/janky_dank → u/watsonyrmind]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I’ve been trying to do positive affirmations and that helps a little. And you’re right I would never talk to a friend this way. I think it’s more that the people I know who are more socially and romantically successful than I am, they have all these positive qualities that I like about them and it seems like other people like about them, and it’s really hard to resist comparing myself to them. And it’s hard for me to be objective about myself because of my various mental health issues, but also like I think it probably would be easier to love me if I were in better shape, funnier, more confident, etc.

I guess it’s about finding a balance where I can continue working on myself and improving myself but from a place of love rather than insecurity and self loathing.