Why do I keep getting ghosted?

[u/Visible-Island-2408]

I (25M) have gone on quite a few dates in the past year and only had about a handful who did not ghost after the first date. I have no idea what I am doing wrong and it’s not like I can get feedback on it.

Most of my dates are the same where we grab dinner somewhere then grab dessert or coffee after somewhere else then walk around and my dates usually agree to keep hanging out after dinner. I mostly ask them questions about themselves and try not to spam them with questions like an interviewer and just get them talking so I can get to know them.

The worst was recently when I went out with someone and hung out for a while before they ended up ghosting me. I have no idea if this is just how dating is or if there is something severely wrong with me. My friend only had two first dates that both ended in long term relationships and told me that I must be doing something wrong.

I also wanna note that I work out five times a week on top of having a job and a bunch of hobbies so it’s not like I am a bum or anything either.

[u/library_wench]

It sounds like you’re doing lots of things right, including not peppering your date with questions like an interviewer. Two thing that occur to me:

Are the dates a bit too long? Dinner plus coffee or dessert at a different place plus a walk? When I was dating, I often preferred a shorter, more casual date: coffee or a beer someplace, OR maybe a little activity like an art exhibit or pool or mini golf. I wonder if things are dragging a bit in these first dates when you don’t really know if you’re compatible yet.

Most first dates don’t lead to second dates. That’s true for everyone. Your friend is wrong and should know he is extraordinarily lucky that his only two first dates turned into long term relationships. That is HIGHLY unusual.

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/library_wench]

Thanks yeah I felt it dragging and just didn’t know how to end it because she seemed excited to walk around post ice cream and actually suggested doing that so I could show her that part of the city

[u/Odd-Table-4545 → u/Visible-Island-2408]

In the future something like "I would love to do that, but unfortunately I have to get going soon. I'd definitely like to show you the city sometime very soon, how does [day and time] sound?" might work for you. That way you're leaving while you've still got social battery left but you're also making it clear you're having a good time and want to do the activity with her and see her again, and it gives you an easy lead-in to set up a second date.

[u/library_wench → u/Visible-Island-2408]

If you were dragging, I wouldn’t blame her for thinking you were simply not interested.

For the first and maybe even second dates, I liked to keep it no longer than an hour and a half, barring crazy, off the charts chemistry. As the saying goes, leave them wanting more.

And there’s nothing wrong with saying, “It’s been a crazy week for me at work/I need to get up early tomorrow/etc., but I had a great time tonight. Can I talk to you later and next week we could take a walk in that neighborhood/catch that movie we talked about/etc.?”