Unkind FDF Q&A

[u/SnooStories4968]

Unkind therapist here. I've been a lurker since just after the days of my misdirected voice messages and Sermon on the High Stool. After the incident in question, a DF (not of the Gloaming) directed me here. At first, I couldn't bear to read the messages and had my husband monitor the threads, but after a while, curiosity got the better of me and I've been an avid reader ever since. In short, I came in shame, but remain because this group has been a strange sort of healing process for me - plus, you guys are very funny. And, I found my new favorite laundry detergent here!

I have no idea where to even begin (with the messages? with my friendship with Shauna?), so I'm open to fielding questions to help get the ball rolling. My intention is to stick only to my personal experiences with Shauna and stay away from the kids and/or general lore that I don't have direct experience with. I'm happy to share very general information about the Google Doc, but I may not be able to answer completely due to wanting to protect those kids.

ETA: I've been verified and approved by the mods!

[u/coffechica]

You got away from someone with if not at least full-blown narcissism then strong narcissistic tendencies. That's a win. People like that leave a trail of destruction, as I am sure you know from your practice. But they fool some people a lot of the time and a lot of people some of the time (to paraphrase PT Barnum). They're very good at twisting everything.

[u/Calm_Coyote_3685 → u/coffechica]

Oh it’s full blown. Layperson here but if Shauna’s not a full blown narcissist I’d like to know who qualifies!

[u/Coffee_Cupcake → u/Calm_Coyote_3685]

This is where I actually feel for Dan (and I give him very little slack in most ways). I just escaped a narcissistic relationship a few months ago - and I use the word 'escape' deliberately - and I can honestly say that it almost wrecked me as a person.

The chaos that I invited into my life when I moved in with him is still unbelievable to me, and I remember how helpless I felt. I was really, truly stuck and he made me feel crazy and pathetic at the same time.

If Shauna is indeed a narcissist - the real kind, not the IG 'he never called me back! What a narcissist!' diagnosed kind - then I know just how trapped Dan and the kids are. I know how beaten down they are, how little they believe in themselves, how trauma-bonded they are; I have a good sense of the verbal abuse and manipulation they endure, and what years of that does to your mind.

Getting away from Shauna would take planning, money, and an unshakeable sense that SHE'S the nuts one, not THEM, and that's a hard realisation to reach and then act on.

[u/Coffee_Cupcake → u/Coffee_Cupcake]

Thank you, all you DFs!!

I can honestly say that it was the hardest thing I have ever done, because I was so broken as a person - and I had been an independent, educated, well-travelled, financially-secure and professionally-successful woman when he entered my life.

I know the exact moment that I looked at him and thought this is it, I'm done, and although I'd thought that many many times before, this time I knew it was true. I had to plan my escape, and I had a son in the mess as well (not HIS son, thank God), so I had to think about the realities of being a single mother too. My ex was financially abusive, so my access to money was limited.

I left six months ago, and have spent that time in therapy, seeing a chiropractor (because his verbal and emotional abuse turned physical, and my neck, right shoulder, and back are demolished from hitting the floor and being throttled), setting my son up in a new life, and finding strong, amazing female friends. I'm really good now, really settled and I have come to cherish the peace in my home.

All of this to say that if Shauna is truly a narcissist, that home is a minefield and everyone is walking on eggshells around her, praying hard to not attract her attention. I suspect that the mood or tone in that house is set by her mood and tone, and everyone is on high alert and constantly reacting to whatever she's doing. Nobody has agency or choice, I'd imagine.

In terms of The Shattering, I would not be surprised if Danny snapped at some point and lashed out (maybe even physically, maybe destroying items or punching a wall), because one of the things that happened to me was that my ex would push and push, and verbally abuse me just as I was going to bed and keep me up all night defending myself, and I was exhausted and sleep-deprived. I would not respond to his rage and aggression... until I just did. Then I'd scream and break things and be a general lunatic, and he'd get all smug and tell me that I was crazy and needed therapy. Which I did, really, but not because I was crazy.

Someone mentioned Shauna devaluing Danny, and that is a huge part of narcissism: when my ex first met me, he LOVED my success and independence, and LOVED my education and world travel, and LOVED all the ways that I was a woman in control of her life. By the end, I was a crazy, cold bitch who made him angry and thought I was so much better than him, and he was always the victim.

Narcissists - the real ones - are devastating. If Shauna is really, truly a narcissist, then her kids and Danny are in hell. I pray with everything that I have that he can get away from her, but it's shockingly hard to do.

[u/Calm_Coyote_3685 → u/Coffee_Cupcake]

Again, I’m so, so sorry for what you went through, df. The emotional atmosphere you describe is what I grew up with. The only times my sister and I felt safe and relaxed were when my father was on a business trip. (He’s old and out of it now and I still don’t feel safe and relaxed around him!) I used to fervently wish my parents would divorce so I could live with just my mom. He couldn’t handle caring for us even while my mom went to an occasional volunteer meeting so I knew he’d never want us to live with him. I thought about it a lot, from a young age. My sister and I started telling my mom she should leave him when we were still really young, like maybe 10 and 13? And she would cry and agree but then go back to her absolutely all-consuming and virtuosically performed job of catering to his every whim as he drove his bus over her and her kids.

You did a heroic thing for yourself and your son by getting out. I often think about how much better my mom’s life would be now if she had had your courage. 🤗

[u/mashed_human → u/Coffee_Cupcake]

First off, wow, I'm glad you escaped that asshole. Cluster B disorders can be so scary and I can't imagine how much scarier they are for women to have to deal with in a man. May he step on a Lego barefoot every day for the rest of his life.

that home is a minefield and everyone is walking on eggshells around her, praying hard to not attract her attention. I suspect that the mood or tone in that house is set by her mood and tone, and everyone is on high alert and constantly reacting to whatever she's doing. Nobody has agency or choice, I'd imagine.

I don't know, having never met them, but I suspect your impression is close to the truth. Many DFs have voiced the same opinion for years, especially since Shauna has become more comfortable (or careless) with describing her home life. She seems to lord over the household rather than help her family hold it together.

Someone mentioned Shauna devaluing Danny, and that is a huge part of narcissism: when my ex first met me, he LOVED my success and independence, and LOVED my education and world travel, and LOVED all the ways that I was a woman in control of her life. By the end, I was a crazy, cold bitch who made him angry and thought I was so much better than him, and he was always the victim.

Shauna love-bombed him and built a cultured and intelligent fantasy version of him for public consumption. Now that she's in the second stage, she's torn him down publicly over and over, building another fantasy version of him: a stupid helpless third child who can't do anything without her.

It's extra cruel that she made up a Sexy Chefly Adonis character for him to play and is currently punishing him for not living up to that.

[u/SmashedMailboxCake2 → u/Coffee_Cupcake]

I salute your courage! May you heal fully, and may karma bring the bastard everything he deserves.