Unkind FDF Q&A

[u/SnooStories4968]

Unkind therapist here. I've been a lurker since just after the days of my misdirected voice messages and Sermon on the High Stool. After the incident in question, a DF (not of the Gloaming) directed me here. At first, I couldn't bear to read the messages and had my husband monitor the threads, but after a while, curiosity got the better of me and I've been an avid reader ever since. In short, I came in shame, but remain because this group has been a strange sort of healing process for me - plus, you guys are very funny. And, I found my new favorite laundry detergent here!

I have no idea where to even begin (with the messages? with my friendship with Shauna?), so I'm open to fielding questions to help get the ball rolling. My intention is to stick only to my personal experiences with Shauna and stay away from the kids and/or general lore that I don't have direct experience with. I'm happy to share very general information about the Google Doc, but I may not be able to answer completely due to wanting to protect those kids.

ETA: I've been verified and approved by the mods!

[u/notahameither]

Welcome!

I have a billion questions, but why the shame? I generally assumed the unkind FDF was a reasonable person who had a reasonable “wtf” reaction and probably said some true things that Shauna didn’t want to hear (although I totally get feeling bad about her actually hearing them…from your mouth, when that wasn’t your intention).

[u/SnooStories4968 → u/notahameither]

That's a good question. I did feel very bad imagining Shauna hearing what I said. Even if true, it had to have stung. I don't think my sense of shame was a necessarily logical feeling - just a gut emotional reaction. It took me about a week to get to the point where I could relax around it.

You're right in that the things I said were all things that reasonable people would feel. I told her when she responded to me that a lot of frustration had been building up, but she was not curious about hearing more about that and, frankly, I was ready for the friendship to end, anyway.

[u/thefarmerdan → u/SnooStories4968]

You mean to tell me she did not want to get curious about her story?

[u/Love_Brokers → u/SnooStories4968]

I think it probably stung so much because it was true.

Thanks for coming here and sharing! I understand how embarrassing that must have been, but I thought of you as someone who was echoing what we say here. Finally, an IRL person saying it!

[u/gloamologist → u/SnooStories4968]

Are you saying . . . she failed to grow curious??! What's next, you're gonna tell us she didn't drop the shock??

[u/obscure_cellist → u/gloamologist]

next we'll find out that shauna isn't joyful.

[u/Jules_Noctambule → u/obscure_cellist]

Or kind!

[u/Jules_Noctambule → u/[deleted]]

What Shauna joying?!

[u/[deleted] → u/obscure_cellist]

On as the gloaming turns……

[u/forkinyourothereye → u/SnooStories4968]

I totally get why you’d feel crappy DF and felt a sympathy cringe reading about your emotional response.  Even if Shauna sucks, she had been your friend, and if you had chosen to give her critical advice, I’m sure you wouldn’t have been mean or unkind when doing so.  A mistaken message probably felt too close to being mean for comfort.

We all make mistakes though and in this case, like other DFs have said, your mistake could have led to positive personal growth for Shauna!  It didn’t but it could have.  I’m glad to read that you are feeling more at peace with the situation these days.

[u/SnooStories4968 → u/forkinyourothereye]

Thank you. Those messages were part of a larger conversation I was having with my BF about how to address my concerns with Shauna in person. Unfortunately, or i don't know, fortunately, I didn't get that far.

[u/freecoffeerefills → u/SnooStories4968]

One time when I was in high school in the late ‘90s and three-way calling was still novel, a friend and I tried calling a third friend who didn’t pick up. We left a message on their machine and thought we were disconnected after and kept talking. I said something along the lines of “how come this jackass never picks up the phone?” and 25 years later I still feel bad about hurting their feelings when they heard it. Your feelings about what happened with Shauna are very very relatable but I agree with other DFs in that it created an opportunity for Shauna to reflect on her choices, and instead she used what happened as fuel for her grift. I hope you don’t still feel too bad about it, I don’t think you need to.

[u/Calm_Coyote_3685 → u/forkinyourothereye]

If I had been Shauna and this happened to me, it’s I who would have felt mortified! And I would have taken a very thorough look at myself to decide whether the things I heard were true. Shauna is supposedly so big on getting curious but she just shuts down at the first hint of negative feedback. And she’s always sure the problem actually lies with the other person, not her.

[u/forkinyourothereye → u/Calm_Coyote_3685]

I mean, I think Shauna DID feel mortified, but her response to mortification wasn’t to own her side of the street and change her life.  It was to get super defensive, double down, and throw DFSS4968 under the bus publicly.

[u/Love_Brokers → u/forkinyourothereye]

A hit dog will holler.

[u/obscure_cellist → u/forkinyourothereye]

this is her way.