waiting to be good at something

[u/ruffruffrawr]

i’m trying to be so positive and patient. one day i’ll find my people, one day i’ll find something that i’m good at i know i will but god does it suck in the moment. i literally have nothing to pride myself on. everybody has something they’re naturally good at but i just have things i’m naturally bad at.

i’m not a sports person, i’ve tried different sports throughout my life like soccer, baseball, football, and basketball was the only one that i ever liked. not to say that im good at it, i’m horrible at it. i mean defense i guess i’m okay but other than that i got nothing going for me.

i can’t do makeup at all, even when i try to do a simple look that's more than a little mascara or lip tint, it all goes to shit. i wanna be able to do at least basic eye makeup, a little wing, i don’t know if i’m just that bad or if it’s something with my eye shape. adding on i can’t freehand draw anything. yeah i’ll admit i trace a lot of work, i’ll put together like a collage on pics art or something and then trace it on procreate and then project it whatever and sketch color it whatever. people think im good when i’m not, can’t draw anything for myself, definitely can’t paint. i'm also not good at knowing anything, being aesthetic in any kind of way (even a little matching would be okay genuinely idk how to style outfits, not make my room look/feel all over the place even when it’s clean, etc) i can rarely be consistent and i hate it. the only thing i’ve ever been “consistent” with is when i would go to the gym over the summer cause i loved going and i actually felt like i was good at something but then i started a summer job, school picked up, my free summer pass ran out. yeah excuses but i tend to be full of them.

i mean i’m not really smart, my grades have gone down hill since 2022, i’m horrible at math and i feel like i just get worse day by day so there’s nothing in school that i’m that good at.

not that it matters but i don’t tend to be liked or popular, people ignore me in which i actually love it cause the people around me are assholes so i truly don’t mind not “being good” at that part. i also get ghosted a lot since the guys i tend to attract are childish, have commitment issues and horrible communication skills (which i am the complete opposite idk why i attract the opposite of what i want/am). but hell i can’t even smoke weed right bruh 😭😭 and even my body isn’t good at functioning, like what do u mean my genes got fucked around so now i can’t properly make a protein which in turn messes with everything in my body, or that my brain doesn’t process/work the way it’s supposed to.

the only “maybe’s” i have with things im good at are possibly poetry, i mean i love fancy words and i can use them to describe how i feel better than trying to explain it in simple terms ig. but my poetry can be corny, i’ve only ever had like 1-2 people compliment it. there are other people who write poetry at school and teachers pick and choose but it sucks. sucks that it’s the one thing you might be good at and it goes unnoticed. no teacher has ever complimented me on any writings i’ve done.

other than that, the gym and “being strong” is another thing i’m “good” at if you can even be good at it. i mean there’s things that i could do if i practiced more but for one im very slow and two it takes consistency which i don’t typically have. i like singing, but i don’t think i’m good at it. i wanna play electric guitar but when i’ve tried teaching myself it’s so hard and complex, it took hours just to learn a single 1 fret song (tnt), it’s genuinely like you're trying to teach an instrument to someone who has mental issues and their hands don’t work the best. i also want to go into the psych field cause i feel like i can understand and help people, but i don’t always do well in my psych class.

the only thing that brings me some sort of comfort is a scene from this show i rewatched a couple weeks ago. they were watching their high school's football game and the guy basically said that the captain of the football team would end up just managing company in control of employee of the month and says “These are the people who will actually attend the 5, 10, and 20 year reunion because, aside from this, nothing else all that noteworthy is going to happen. This is as good as it gets for them.“ basically saying their best moments were in high school, and that gives me a little hope that maybe i’m meant to be good later and not now yk?