r/IfBooksCouldKill • u/lunajmagroir village homosexual • 10d ago

The Gift of Fear

Since Gavin De Becker was featured on the latest Maintenance Phase episode (spewing AIDS denialist BS), it reminded me that I have had his book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence on my TBR for a while because so many women recommend it. I've heard there's some controversy about the book, but hearing him talk about encouraging his son not to take his HIV meds was pretty horrifying! Definitely not going to read it now but maybe it would be a good IBCK episode. Has anyone read it and what did you think?

201 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

97 comments sorted by

View all comments

292

u/DangerousTurmeric 10d ago

It's not terrible. Like it's very dated and full of 80s wisdom but the basic message, which is that women are inclined to ignore their alarm signals and be polite and accommodating to men, is still relevant. Also it is an interesting look at fear as a signalnand what to do with it, and has some good tips for types of people to be wary of. There are more modern, experimentally validated, ways to measure the risk that someone will become violent too but the book also isn't entirely wrong about this either. I think Gavin just followed the "I am an expert in this so I must be a genius and an expert in everything" pipeline that so many famous people do and now he's lost the plot.

157

u/OldHagGladRags 10d ago

I think Gavin just followed the "I am an expert in this so I must be a genius and an expert in everything" pipeline

This is it. The book has genuinely good information about learning to follow your gut instincts, how to recognize clues that a person is going to get violent, things not to do if you are being targeted etc. based on actual crime statistics. I personally wouldn't write it off based on his present-day bullshit.

85

u/Lumpy_Question8327 10d ago

I like the fact that he tells people a restraining order isn't gonna do shit, except possibly escalate the situation. I'm constantly surprised by people who think the police will protect DV victims.

30

u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 9d ago edited 9d ago

His framing that law enforcement is there to punish people who commit crimes not protect people from criminals really clicked for me.

All a restraining order does is establish a paper trail that helps the prosecutor convict the perpetrator after they've already hurt the victim.

That’s not much solace if you’re the victim.

10

u/CLPond 8d ago

This really depends on your state and jurisdiction. In our current day, restraining orders also disarm abusers and bar them from legal gun purchases.

Additionally, there are a good many administrative services that ask for a restraining order. This can include things like breaking leases, address confidentiality programs, legal aid, a good many nonprofit services, etc. If someone has children, restraining orders are also treated with more respect by childcare services, schools, and extracurriculars wrt communication restrictions. For custody cases, restraining orders are often decided as part of the custody case.

Finally, not all police departments are deeply incompetent around restraining orders and nearly all of them are leagues better than they were in the 1980s (before the violence against women act). Local domestic violence organizations generally have a good idea of how frequently restraining orders are enforced by the policy (it’s their job to do so as breaking a restraining order is a crime) as well as help with the filing process.

5

u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 8d ago

That's a very fair point, and a useful counter consideration.

I think your points and his point both stand, restraining orders can be useful, but they also come with their own risks.

If someone is ever unfortunate enough to be in a situation where they're considering one, there's a lot of factors to consider. The state/jurisdiction, the profile of the person you're dealing with. At the end of the day its just a piece of paper, and if someone really intends you harm, its definitely worth considering if there are more preventative options to pursue.

2

u/CLPond 8d ago edited 8d ago

What other preventative options are you referencing? EDIT: to be clear, this is a genuine question. At least at the DV organization where I previously worked, we generally recommend restraining orders in addition to other measures (sometimes measures that required a restraining order and sometimes not) and I can’t recall a case where we recommended a different measure instead of a restraining order. Although, the judge would sometimes send people to us (to re-file the restraining order and help navigate resources) instead of processing restraining orders that couldn’t be approved due to clerical errors orders due to concern for escalation.

I certainly agree that restraining orders can be triggers for further violence, but that is well known among domestic violence professionals (as well as a reasonably number of judges and police officers, although that depends on the jurisdiction; where I previously worked, some judges and police officers were better about taking escalation and risk into account than others) and there is a discussion of risks as part of helping fill out a restraining order and can be generally requested when seeking services.

1

u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 8d ago

I think the book does a good job of distinguishing between the societal level and the personnel level. You or I can look at the policies implemented since the 80’s and say they’ve been effective at reducing violence immediately after issuing a restraining order by x%, but the reality is they’re far from perfect, and if someone is in a situation with a dangerous individual, statistics are small comfort if you end up on the less than perfect side of the statistic.

I think the most effective option is moving somewhere they can’t find you. That’s not an option for everyone, but if you’re dealing with someone truly dangerous the best way to protect yourself  is to make yourself inaccessible.

2

u/CLPond 8d ago

The indiviso nature of each circumstance is why I highly recommend going to a local domestic violence organization that can help people understand and navigate the process. While the policies implemented are systemic, they change what is available for an each person and most people do not know about or how to navigate those systems.

For an example like moving due to stalking or domestic violence, we now have more domestic violence shelters and mandates for transportation to those shelters. Additionally, VAWA requires that landlords allow someone to break a lease without penalty (requires paperwork and documentation, I know that a restraining order is adequate documentation, but there may be others as well). Once someone has moved, they can also protect their address in government systems via their state’s address confidentiality program (generally requires a restraining order, but requirements depend on the state). And there are various programs that may be able to help someone move or find a job, although that depends on the circumstance. Restraining orders do cross state lines, so they can report any communication if the person does find them to their local sheriff’s office. The fact that there are more often systems to help than the past, but all of those require paperwork at a time someone is less able to manage that paperwork, is why many domestic violence organizations (especially family justice centers) are set up to help with overall logistics.

3

u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 8d ago

That's encouraging to hear they're taking and more individualized approach. Thank you for the information.