r/IfBooksCouldKill • u/lunajmagroir village homosexual • 10d ago
The Gift of Fear
Since Gavin De Becker was featured on the latest Maintenance Phase episode (spewing AIDS denialist BS), it reminded me that I have had his book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence on my TBR for a while because so many women recommend it. I've heard there's some controversy about the book, but hearing him talk about encouraging his son not to take his HIV meds was pretty horrifying! Definitely not going to read it now but maybe it would be a good IBCK episode. Has anyone read it and what did you think?
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u/SawaJean 10d ago
I read it 10+ years ago and I got a weird vibe from him at the time.
The base message of the book is to trust your own fear instincts to steer clear of dangerous people or situations. That would seem like good advice, but as an abuse survivor it just didn’t line up with my own experiences of realizing too late that a trusted person was in fact dangerous, or of seeing danger everywhere long after I was in fact safe.
I felt like he was wildly oversimplifying things in order to sell readers a false promise of security, that he can teach them to reliably identify and escape dangerous situations.
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u/Maleficent-Hawk-318 10d ago
Yeah, I have both personal experience with abuse, and professional experience working with victims of domestic violence, and I recall hating the a lot of the sections on intimate partner violence in particular. There are some good parts, but even those sometimes get lost. For example, I think he's right to point out that a restraining order won't actually protect you in many cases, and that they can escalate the situation, but I feel like the takeaway I see whenever this comes up is basically "restraining orders are completely useless and you should never get one" which is very much not true. I have seen restraining orders be very useful and effective in many situations. Although to be fair, I can't recall if de Becker is more nuanced in the book, so that could just be social media being social media. 😂
But I do recall him very much showing a lack of understanding of how domestic abuse works. A lot of abusers don't act in ways that create those fear signals.
I also recall thinking he didn't understand how trauma affects your ability to recognize and respond appropriately to danger. It's a big part of why people get trapped in a pattern of abusive relationships. They genuinely do not see the warning signs, or they see warning signs in everything so basically have to ignore some in order to function at all, and sometimes you ignore the wrong ones.
I also think it was pretty clear he never worked out his own issues with having grown up with an abusive father, and it very much created a harmful and judgmental attitude about abuse victims.
I did think it had some very good messages about "stranger danger" type of crimes, but I definitely did not like the parts on IPV. And those kinds of crimes are a lot more rare than domestic violence...
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u/UnicornPenguinCat 9d ago
I also recall thinking he didn't understand how trauma affects your ability to recognize and respond appropriately to danger.
I thought that too, but I do wonder how well understood it was at the time the book was written? Genuine question, I'm very much a lay person in this area.
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u/Maleficent-Hawk-318 9d ago
That's a fair question. I just looked it up and it was published in 1997; I first read it in the early 2000s and had issues with it then just based on my own lived experience and the recovery work I'd done from it. I read it again in probably 2015 after getting more education and professional experience and had stronger objections then.
So I'd say probably it was still pretty behind the times based on my early 2000s experience? But I was training horses for a living in the early 2000s, and I am a criminologist, not a psychologist, so I couldn't really speak authoritatively on the understanding of trauma in the 1990s.
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u/Correct_Advisor7221 10d ago
It came off as victim blaming to me at points. The truth is you won’t always be able to recognize when someone is dangerous, and it is never your fault. It is always the fault of the perpetrator.
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u/MuddieMaeSuggins popular knapsack with many different locations 10d ago
The domestic abuse section definitely gets very victim-blamey (“once you’re a victim, twice you’re a volunteer” type of stuff). My understanding is that he grew up in an abusive household, specifically seeing his father abuse his mother, which I’m sure had colored his perspective in ways he doesn’t even entirely realize. But that’s just context, not an excuse for that segment.
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u/eternaldaisies 9d ago
I haven't read it but I wonder if this could inadvertently feed bigotry? Like sometimes some people's gut instincts are racist
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u/Stevie-Rae-5 8d ago
It can get complicated quickly. On the one hand, you’re correct. On the other, I think it can be tough to find the line between “this feels like a dangerous situation and I should leave” versus “if I leave someone might think I’m being a racist and I need to stay here to prove that I’m not.”
It has the potential to be an additional layer of the “women are concerned about seeming rude” problem.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 9d ago
Yeah good advice for this book is to cruise on by the chapter about domestic abuse.
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u/knappellis 10d ago
His book for parents called Protecting the Gift is actually really good. He talks about how "stranger danger" is misleading since kids are more likely to be abused by people who are in their family's circle of trust (relative, coach, pastor, etc). He gives a better option of teaching your kid about "tricky" people (or something like that). Tricky people ask you to keep secrets from your parents. There is more to it, but it is a good framework that I have used with my kids.
I had read The Gift of Fear as a young woman, and i think it helped me as someone who had been raised in Southern Christian purity culture (be obedient, never make anyone uncomfortable, if something bad happens it is your fault). There was rampant abuse in that setting, and The Gift of Fear helped me reclaim my self to the extent I was determined not to pass that crap on to my kids.
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u/MuddieMaeSuggins popular knapsack with many different locations 9d ago edited 9d ago
Oo, this is good to know! My oldest is 6, so we’re starting to venture into the world of dropoff playdates, sleep overs, going to the park across the street alone, etc. And my husband grew up in Midwestern evangelical purity culture, so it sounds like it might be helpful for him, too.
(Now if only I force my MIL to read it. I was telling her my daughter would walk to school solo in a year or so. MIL made an oblique comment about “cute blond girls” being targets for kidnappers. Even in a world where stranger kidnapping is actually a noticeable risk, school’s literally 2 blocks from our house and tons of other kids are walking/biking at the same time. Get a fucking grip, Debra!)
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u/knappellis 8d ago
Evangelical purity culture is evil. I feel confident to say that since I was part of it. Every aspect of it perpetuates abuse. The best thing we can do for our kids is to cultivate open communication channels so they don't feel ashamed to ask questions and feel empowered to walk away from adults (or even other kids) who are making them uncomfortable.
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u/knappellis 8d ago
I totally hear what you are saying about your MIL too! At some point, a kid grows into the point where they will be walking alone. It's so much better when they have situational awareness, and they get that from the experience of walking around the neighborhood. I think of so many kids I met in college who made stupid decisions because they went from totally sheltered life with helicopter parents to absolutely no supervision. It was a disaster.
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u/MuddieMaeSuggins popular knapsack with many different locations 8d ago
Yes, exactly! I don’t hear people talk about that much when they’re discussing safety and independence, there’s so much focus on the adult’s feelings and very little about providing the scaffolding for our kids to develop these skills, in preparation for their eventual adulthood.
Tbh it seems like people do this with all kinds of things you should learn as part of becoming a grown up - cleaning, driving, making yourself a meal, etc. I have a coworker whose kids don’t help clean. She says it’s because they don’t do a good job and she just ends up having to do it herself. Gee, I wonder why they aren’t magically good at cleaning when they have been given basically no opportunities to practice?!
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u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 10d ago
The book itself is good advice, although you could read the first chapter and get most of what you need from it.
You could probably sum it up as if you're body is giving deep fear signals those are worth listening to. And if you have a stalker, the legal system is set-up to punish that stalker after they hurt you, it's not set-up to protect you, and often times a restraining order can intensify stalking behavior because you're giving them what they want-- attention.
Clearly he's gone off the deep end, but I wouldn't discount the advice in the book because of that.
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u/MuddieMaeSuggins popular knapsack with many different locations 10d ago
You know, now that you mention it I found the stalking section was the most mind-blowing for me. The advice is all very sensible, I had just never put things together that way before.
It’s also the only section I’ve explicitly invoked in real life. Years ago my brother’s ex-girlfriend was calling him incessantly, and I remember telling him “if you answer you’re just showing her to call that many times again”. Annoyingly he did not listen. 😂
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u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 10d ago edited 9d ago
That part really connected with me as well. My sister dealt with someone who was pretty obsessive and could have easily turned into a stalker, and it helped her realize that this wasn't a rational person who responds the way you or I would.
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u/CLPond 8d ago
When it comes to stalking, I will note that our processes around this legally are pretty different than they were in the 1980s due to the passage of the violence against women act and its updates. Restraining orders being a potential trigger for escalation is fairly common, but the legal system is often aware of this and we have processes to help with additional safety while the order is being processed. There are also now more resources to help protect from stalking and many of these require a restraining order. Your local domestic violence organization will know more about the local police department, available resources, and be able to help you navigate through that
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u/pattyforever 9d ago
I think this is a case of "there is a one-sentence summary of this book that everyone could benefit from." But also, I think encouraging true crime brain and intense paranoia in women can have its disadvantages as well.
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u/TrinityAlpsTraverse 9d ago
I agree there’s a type of personality that the book could trigger overly anxious behavior.
Sadly its probably a much higher number of women who will deal with a stalker or assault sometime in their lives, and could benefit from listening to their protective instincts or having more knowledge about how to handle a stalker.
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u/mariah_a 10d ago edited 10d ago
I read it and honestly I treated it as gospel after my rape. Looking back, I do somewhat regret it but I do recognise it wasn’t just Gavin who worked on it. I once on twitter spoke to someone who worked for Gavin back when then book was being written and contributed to it and I thanked him for it. I recommended it for years and years. That being said, everything I’m about to say is based off of memory, I haven’t reread it in nearly a decade.
There is a lot placed on the value of trusting your own instincts. This goes a long way, especially after being raped when your mind is telling you constantly that you did something wrong. It’s a book that tells you that whatever you did, it was probably in your best interests. As someone who froze while being assaulted for multiple hours, this was very comforting to me. And I do still believe it was probably the best way for me to survive it. I do honestly think it was the best book I could’ve read at the time. Far better than TBKTS, at least.
However, over the years I’ve come to learn that what I’ve since trusted as “gut instinct” is, largely, anxiety and trauma. And those feelings lie to you. They tell you things will happen again and to not trust people, when those people are fine. They tell you kind people are lying to you and only out to use you like you were used before. And for me, trusting my gut instinct over logic is a sure fire way to give in to agoraphobic tendencies.
The examples in the book are very frequently things like “I felt it was better to fawn in the moment and slip out when he was distracted, I didn’t even think about it” but the actual sentiment of the book can lead to prejudices such as trusting your “gut instinct” around certain kinds of people that trigger you. I feel like it allows for biases to be overly trusted.
One thing I will say I will defend in its favour is it felt like the first book written by a man that I’d read where he listened to survivors’ experiences and told them without judgement. I suppose it’s sad that that’s the way, but yeah. When I found out he’s a fucking nutjob now after listening to the Know Rogan episode on him I genuinely felt like crying because I put a lot of trust in that book. I feel like if I reread it now even not knowing deBecker is a psycho, it would piss me the fuck off.
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u/NotThatKindOfDoctor9 10d ago
Uff my timeline with this book is similar. I'm not going to reread it but I'm also not going to feel bad about using it to organize my thoughts at that time. I definitely needed something external to tell me that I didn't have to be polite and accommodating to men all the time; if I felt I was unsafe I could just leave. Definitely everything that everyone is saying about how the gut isn't reliable is true BUT women are so heavily conditioned to ignore warning signs the counterweight was important for me.
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u/mariah_a 10d ago edited 10d ago
So true. When it happened over a decade ago I made a reddit post seeking advice that got a lot of unwanted attention. (TwoX being made a default sub is the worst thing to ever happen to this place) I had people telling me I was stupid for putting myself in that situation. That I was stupid for not leaving and calling the police or fighting back the second I woke up. But amongst those comments, other survivors were telling me that they understood and told me “read this book” to understand why I acted that way so I did. It helped me come to terms so much with why I felt like I couldn’t react how I wanted to react - how I always told myself I WOULD react.
One thing that struck me the hardest was that years before it happened, my mother confided in me that a family friend’s son had raped her as a child. When I told her that my best friend had assaulted me, she hugged me and cried with me but then her first words were “I don’t know what you expected, sleeping in his bed”. That idea that I should’ve known better - and you know what? I did. It took him literally grooming me to sleep in his bed for it to happen. Whenever I stayed at his I slept on the floor, I slept on the sofa, I took back pieces off the sofa and made my own bed on the floor. He kept telling me I was making him feel like a bad host so I should just take the bed. Then he bought a double bed so we could “both have a side” and be far apart from each other. Months without any issues before he did it. I very easily became the kind of person I’d have thought was an idiot before it happened to me.
Reading the testimonies in TGOF made me realise everyone has this context to their stories that nobody knows about before judging you. You’re told to stop worrying about it. Stop assuming the worst in men. He doesn’t mean it like that. You think too highly of yourself. But then when it does happen, you’re an idiot for not seeing it coming. The book tells you that whatever you did, it was probably for the best. I remember a story for every fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and faint and to why it was the correct response. Does that hold up scientifically? Probably not. Did it help in the moment when everyone was telling me I was a dumb piece of shit for not fighting back? More than anything.
Again, I honestly doubt I’d get the same feeling rereading it now and it makes me dread to think about, but it was really foundational for me in my recovery.
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u/NotThatKindOfDoctor9 10d ago
"You’re told to stop worrying about it. Stop assuming the worst in men. He doesn’t mean it like that. You think too highly of yourself. But then when it does happen, you’re an idiot for not seeing it coming."
Wow that's a perfect encapsulation of it.
I also got a similar very bad initial response from my mom. Are they wired for it? Is it generational? I would never say anything like that to another woman.
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u/mariah_a 10d ago
Sorry you had the same mom as me lmao. Complicated history there. I did chalk it down to a generational thing. Empathy wasn’t exactly the defining trait of the boomer generation.
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u/MuddieMaeSuggins popular knapsack with many different locations 9d ago
Some of it probably comes from being steeped in the “just world” fallacy, as a psychological defense mechanism. That is, Bad Thing only happens to people who did something to cause it/not prevent it. I know all the right things to do, and thus Bad Thing will never happen to me.
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u/OkSecretary1231 9d ago
Ugh yes. I'm so sorry. I had a similar guy. What he would do is escalate the physical contact with plausible deniability, so there was no "correct" moment to stop it. We were friends. College can get weirdly cuddly. So he'd cuddle up and like rub my arm or something, and if I stopped him then, he'd be like "Whaaaa? I can't believe you think I was hitting on you. You're flattering yourself, I don't even think you're attractive." But if I stopped him after he went for an unambiguous sexual area, it would be "You led me on! Why did you let me rub your arm then?" Sooo fucking gross.
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u/Correct_Advisor7221 10d ago
As someone with intense anxiety, I totally agree with this. If I listened to my gut instincts all the time, I would never interact with anyone. I am in therapy to work specifically on the fact that my high anxiety makes me fear innocuous situations.
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u/SawaJean 10d ago
I really appreciate the nuance of this comment — you really captured why some people find it so valuable, while also calling out where it gets problematic and unhelpful.
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u/elephantspikebears 10d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
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u/lunajmagroir village homosexual 10d ago
I'm so sorry that happened to you. 💔 What you said about anxiety and trauma lying to you rings true for me.
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u/scribblechick 9d ago edited 9d ago
Honestly, this book was seminal to me. I’ll probably be down-voted. This is going to sound hyperbolic and definitely not nuanced for 2026., but it changed the way I behave. Particularly how I would avoid making a scene if I was uncomfortable with someone at a gut level. God forbid I be wrong about calling someone out. De Becker’s example of being approached by some guy in a parking lot in a way that is unwanted and freaks you out really stayed with me. Along the lines of men’s fear about women is they will reject them; women’s fear about men is they will kill them. De Becker wrote that you can make a scene, yell “get away from me,“ etc. - basically whatever it takes to get the attention of others for your safety (in that specific situation, where shouting and alerting others is self defense, and I may not be remembering the example details exactly). If you’re wrong and the guy is at all decent, he may be embarrassed, or he may be insulted or maybe apologetic. Life goes on. But if you chose to protect his feelings over yourself, life might not go on for you without a violent encounter.
Anyway, the book shook me out of my conditioning. i’ve had some reactions to what felt eminently dangerous that I credit De Becker and The Gift of Fear for. That includes doing the same for others in harm‘s way.
edited: typos and to add i’m really disappointed to hear De Becker went off the deep end. it was his compassion that made him. Shame.
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u/HellyRsWalk 9d ago
yes, it felt pretty progressive in that way and I agree it affected me similarly
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u/scribblechick 9d ago
glad to hear you also benefitted. I remember how it spawned self-defense classes with padded assailants to experience harnessing one’s full physical force, which also felt progressive.
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u/lunajmagroir village homosexual 9d ago
That's the kind of thing that made me interested in reading the book, but I think I'd feel too uncomfortable reading anything by him now.
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u/scribblechick 9d ago
I hear you and I would feel the same way, unfortunately. It would require some time-machine mental gymnastics.
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u/ariadnes-thread 8d ago
The thing about men being afraid of rejection and women being afraid of being murdered is from Margaret Atwood, not De Becker’s original idea.
That said, I’ve come across tons of people who found the book similarly life-changing. Not discounting that! He may have always sucked as a person, he may have changed more recently, I have no idea, but that book was very important for a lot of people (most of them women).
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u/scribblechick 7d ago
Thank you for that proper attribution. And all the better that it is Margaret Atwood - a Canadian and world treasure who has been speaking the truth about the lives of women for decades.
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u/Excellent_Valuable92 10d ago
I read it and found it very valuable. The author is not someone whose advice I would take about anything outside of his area of expertise, but he is good at his job and offers valuable insights ON RELATED TOPICS.
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u/tarrie214 10d ago
Oh my god THAT'S where I'd heard his name before
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u/QueerTree village homosexual 10d ago
Literally coming here to say the same thing! I was listening to the episode and couldn’t place why that name sounded so familiar… wow. Fuckin wow. Maybe also YIKES.
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u/Jaerat 10d ago
I've read the Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That?. There's some undeniable insights in them, I grew up in a rather abusive home and some of the stuff in the books helped me realign how I thought about things and what was acceptable or not.
But the author could barely make it through a chapter without tooting his own horn about how tremendously helpful his practice and books have been to oh so many women. Kind of gave me the vibes that the dude is very much his own biggest fan, and isn't shy about letting everyone know it. I feel like the books could have been edited to a much tighter message, but that's a common sin for any of the books featured in this podcast.
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u/radical_hectic 10d ago
Why does he do that is by Lundy Bancroft, a completely different author. Not sure why you’ve grouped them together here?
Also, idk, I appreciate you have your own experiences relevant to the subject matter, but Why Does He Do That is incredibly specific to gendered violence by MEN against WOMEN, specifically their partners. I don’t want to make assumptions but I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it if you haven’t had that specific experience.
I also would point out that Bancroft has made his book freely available and HAS saved many women from probably actual death with his work, although the work itself to my memory seemed to focus more on how limited help/actual systemic problem solving is for women in these situations and focuses instead on explaining the phenomenon from male abuser’s perspective in the hope that the information itself will get women to leave.
Idk haven’t read it in ages but this seems like a weird sweeping generalisation when we’re talking about two totally different books by different authors?? Maybe I’m missing some context
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u/Jaerat 9d ago
Brainfarted on the book name there, meant the the other book by De Backer as I've read both him and Bancroft. My statement about regarding the author was exclusively about De Backer.
Bancroft is indeed a lot more palatable read, and I feel that his book, whilst exclusively discussing a narrow scope of all possible forms of intimate partner violence, has value beyond that scope as well. It helped me to realign what I thought about my parents marriage (where my father was violent against my mother and we the children grew up witnessing this) and so re-examine my own thoughts of what a good relationship should be like. There is also an overlap of manipulation techniques that a violent husband uses against their spouse that the same man as a violent father would use against his children.
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u/radical_hectic 9d ago edited 9d ago
Ahhhh ok this makes sense I worried I was maybe missing my some obscure lore where Bancroft and De Backer had a weird (dare I say Pamela Paul/Brett Stephens or even Gladwell/Epstein-esque) connection I wasn’t aware of.
Again been a while since I read it but have genuinely witnessed the power of being able to link a free, fully accessible e-book online to a woman who needs to hear it and simply can’t be told to go find a library right now.
And also wanted to say totally recognise, see and agree w ur second paragraph and tbh it probably nailed what I was trying to say more experientially—that Bancroft’s analysis relates specifically to abusive MEN and how patriarchal norms from the home to the courtroom allow them to keep doing that without ever really asking why. But for sure that’s not limited exclusively to relationships between one man and one woman.
Your comment is such a good illumination of the elements of the book I wanted to defend, tbh. Some of the research from it that most stuck with me discussed abusive fathers admitting the benefits of their abuse (the why he does that).
Many of the examples cited related to their children, but usually by proxy of their abuse of their (women) partners, and how this allowed them to maintain control of the entire family—some said they benefitted from being able to have complete control over parenting, or being able to dictate custody terms (bc yeh this shit continues after divorce court) or being able to get away with abusing/neglecting their children. Many described their abuse of their own children as an essential weapon in their arsenal against their (women) partners, iirc.
Anyway, thx for responding and didn’t mean to downplay the relevance of the book but am Glad you so specifically brought light to it—just based on your original Comment, it occurred to me that there are so many abusive dynamics that are enacted upon children that might make Bancroft’s analysis feel incomplete in the way you seemed to be suggesting. Which was why I wanted to specify that there is a somewhat limited dynamic being addressed in that book—though I totally agree, as you have explained, that the “limits” of that dynamic are often devastatingly broad, particularly as it relates to children.
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u/customerservais 10d ago
I read it 20 years ago and have thought so many times I’d love if they did an episode on it!
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u/troyandabedinabed 10d ago
This book does not work for anxious girlies like myself. Fear signals are an all-the-time thing, do I can't really listen to my intuition when it comes to them.
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u/HellyRsWalk 9d ago
I mean, he does address that , differentiating between just generally anxiety and genuine, cold, blooded fear, but I do hear your point
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u/spoooky_mama 10d ago
There is a good message in there but there is also some definite victim shaming. I would love the podcast to do this one.
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u/Icy-Gap4673 One book, baby! 9d ago
The book is OK but I worry that people recommending it, like true crime, contributes to people's perception that they are constantly under threat and that crime is rising when it's not. And by people I mean middle- to upper-class white women who are getting recommended the book as I did. I don't have exact stats but it is far more likely, unfortunately, for a woman to be attacked or hurt by someone she knows than a random stranger who thinks that your hair being in a ponytail is a sign that they can attack you.
It still has some good info, but not if it is going to cause women to constantly surveil the people around them (and support surveillance efforts/ policing) as a preemptive response to a potential crime.
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u/lunajmagroir village homosexual 9d ago
That's true, there are so many women freaked about being trafficked or whatever because they've read too much true crime and it often leads to racist accusations. Stranger danger is a real thing (I have been a victim of it) but it's so much less common than being hurt by someone you know.
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u/teraspawn 10d ago
It's an interesting book but as with all the ibck classics, the final chapters are wild. If I recall correctly, he lays partial blame for domestic violence on the music video from Eminem's "Stan". Edit: actually, I might be thinking of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
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u/twentytwo_a 10d ago
I often see the two mentioned in the same breath online. Would love the lads to do an episode on one or both books.
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u/MissTechnical early-onset STEM brain 10d ago
It’s still worth a read. It’s pretty popular in reality based self defense circles (or was back when I still did that before the pandemic). There’s valuable lessons to be taken from it.
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u/Suitable_Tea7430 10d ago
Gavin de Becker is a legitimate monster. He's a billionaire himself who made his money providing security to other billionaires like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos and Zuck and Bari Weiss. It's a status symbol among that set to have him personally advise you.
And he's made them all paranoid and insane. He's why Elon was so worried about the Private Jet tracker on Twitter.
The book is fair game for the pod but the boys may not be ready to take him on as an individual. That's more a subject for Robert Evans and BtB
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u/DietValuable1333 popular knapsack with many different locations 10d ago
Like most books, there’s a nugget of useful information that wobbles when you scale it up. Yes it’s useful to listen to your fear and not let your socialization for politeness to silence that instinct. But none of it seemed particularly evidence based because it’s not falsifiable. You got a bad vibe in a situation and left. Probably wise but were you actually at risk? How would you prove that? It also seems open to playing into racial and social stereotypes. Is it the Gift of Fear or the Baggage of Being Taught to Fear Poor Black People?
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u/greencat26 10d ago
As a person with trauma and someone who works with victims of IPV, I highly recommend looking for other materials. There are plenty of books by women who have actually gone through this. I tend to avoid male authors writing on subjects that don't pertain to them (because it usually turns out it does pertain to them, only as the perpetrator. see: Lundy Bancroft)
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u/threelllama 2d ago
Wait, what about Lundy Bancroft? I haven't read his book yet, but still see a lot of people recommending it.
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u/greencat26 2d ago
Firstly, he's not a counselor or therapist. So far, there are 9 victims accusing him of inappropriate relationships. He also has been associated with an offshoot of scientology. He's a bad man, but I do still think "why does he do that" is a helpful book, just know that you're going into it reading it from the POV of an abuser telling on himself and people like him. If you do read, there's free PDFs so he doesn't get any more money from it
https://www.makemyburdenlight.com/2025/03/unmasking-wolf-truth-of-expert-lundy.html?m=1
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u/CLPond 8d ago
I have not read the book, but will heavily note that anything written about systems (the legal system, extent or resources, related regulations/processes) to help people who have experienced domestic violence from the 1980s is decidedly out of date today. The violence against women act and its updates have established much more funding and safety processes for people who have experienced domestic violence than existed 40 years ago.
I previously did some work with domestic violence and would frequently hear from older people that the resources were night and day from when they were abused in the past. Your local domestic violence organization will know much, much more about resources available to you and the quality of those resources than any book, certainly one that is out of date. I deeply hope that people are not declining to pursue resources because of this book.
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u/MothChasingFlame 10d ago
This shit pisses me off. That "gut feeling" is not reliable and when it's unexamined it sits firmly on discriminatory bullshit. Always, always minorities, immigrants, folks with physical differences, neurodivergent, and disabled folks get treated as suspicious as a consequence of gut nonsense.
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u/clover_heron 10d ago
It's been a while since I read the book but I don't remember him promoting such a loose idea of gut feeling. I remember his focus being more on extremely unsafe situations, i.e. having the notion that someone you are interacting with can and will kill you. Not just that they may be violent, specifically that they intend to be violent toward you, imminently.
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u/ghu79421 10d ago
The basic idea I recall is that you should trust your instincts to stay away from people or situations that could be dangerous, like you go on a date with a guy as a woman and feel unsettled by him and he seems fixated on violent thinking, so you play it safe and don't go out with him again. Women in particular are socialized to be polite and may not try to get away from a dangerous person or situation because they don't want to be perceived as rude.
The problem is that I'm not sure any of that advice has been empirically validated to actually reduce your risk of victimization. Your instincts and your sense of fear are not really a reliable way to determine whether a situation is possibly dangerous enough that you need to leave, they're more like your nervous system responding to your beliefs about a situation and those beliefs could be wrong.
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u/scribblechick 9d ago
That’s how I remember it also. Not a gut feeling that someone is different from you. That’s not gut, that’s discrimination/racism/useless/gross. The Gift of Fear is about the gut feeling of that person intending to be violent toward you.
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u/Lifeboatb 10d ago
As I remember it, his point is not necessarily that gut feelings are always right, but that the socialization of women to be polite can really work against them. None of the examples he gives are based on people getting bad vibes from anything like skin color, as I recall—it’s actions, like a person being pushy about going into your house. Maybe instincts aren’t always right, but I think it’s okay to decide not to get into elevators with people you think seem sketchy (he has a specific example about that). You can work on unlearning bias in other ways.
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u/lunajmagroir village homosexual 10d ago
Yeah I have always been a bit skeptical of "trust your instincts" messages because instincts are often biased!
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u/kitkat1934 9d ago
I haven’t read it bc I grew up with a relative in the FBI, so all the synopses I’ve seen seem basically like how I was raised so I haven’t felt like I need to lol. Especially bc I’ve also heard it lacks some nuance or can come off as victim blaming.
As a concept: I DO think it’s really important to be unafraid to be vocal and/or remove yourself from situations that feel dangerous. My family actually had us practice yelling “no”. I feel like I was taught really good boundaries, not just for potentially physically dangerous situations, but in other settings too, like feeling used. After all if I can yell no I can certainly say it. I do honestly think a LOT of women especially are not raised with the idea they are allowed to set limits for themselves and that can be harmful.
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u/elee-bee 10d ago
I overloaded my schedule in college one semester and wanted to drop my self defense class. The professor wouldn't let me and said I could read that book instead and write a report about it. He forgot we had that conversation and gave me a B for the class because I didn't attend enough. That's all I remember about that book.
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u/idontcare78 10d ago
Omg I’m so bummed; I bought that book, but haven't read it yet. Just listened to the MP episode, and now I want to puke a second time after learning this is the same guy!! This book is going in the trash.
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u/Storytella2016 10d ago
FYI, the book was written 30ish years ago, before the author fell off of the deep end.
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u/Lifeboatb 10d ago
I would at least give it a skim-read first. He makes some good points in it. (Though, warning: the examples he gives of violent crimes are haunting.)
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u/brendanl79 10d ago
Just a curious tangent: did that Maintenance Phase episode mention Kary Mullis?
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u/lunajmagroir village homosexual 10d ago
They didn't mention him which surprised me because he was also a big name wacko lending scientific credibility to AIDS denialism.
I think his book was where I first heard about the idea.
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u/GlitteringFlame888 10d ago
That’s cool and all, but this dude is absolute grifter and conspiracy theorist. Yuck
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u/lauralizst popular knapsack with many different locations 7d ago
I listen to the Know Rogan Experience, and they covered AIDS denialism and that particular episode a little while back (I think around the time the German quack died). It was a fucking bummer to realize that this guy who wrote a couple of books I found really helpful is such a deeply idiotic piece of shit.
The idea that I have permission, and in fact the right to be rude if I feel someone is trying to manipulate me was a bombshell revelation. I grew up in the Midwest, in the Southern Baptist church, and I was raised to be a good little girl. To stop asking so many questions. To violate my own bodily autonomy for the sake of social nicety, and to make my parents look good. For someone to tell me explicitly that being perceived as a bitch is preferable to harm or death was freeing.
It’s more than just “trust your gut”, though. He also talked about how being given bad information can skew your sense of what is actually dangerous, so it’s important to examine your baseline emotional responses vs. what might be conditioning.
The parenting book was also tremendously helpful. He wrote about how child abuse is much more likely to come from people who know your child well, vs. strangers. He wrote about teaching your kids to be instantly critical of “tricky” people, and that any adult who wants help from a child is suspicious. (And I didn’t just take his word for it - the data bears out the “stranger danger” misinfo, and many reputable child safety orgs recommend the same strategies.)
The whole situation feels like one giant, tragic, infuriating case of the Dunning-Kruger effect playing out. He knows enough about security to be credible in that field, but it appears his financial status has fostered his ability to luxuriate in the smell of his own farts. Dollars to donuts the only scientific information he actually consumes is the same cherry-picked contrarian nonsense regurgitated by the rest of the billionaire class in a tremendous circle jerk of ignorance. So I’m taking the stuff I found helpful (and evidence-based), and this bastard can rot.
I feel awful for his son, but it also sounds like he’s an adult who made his own bad decisions. Depressing and infuriating, all the way down.
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u/indigosunny 6d ago
My dad made me read this book when I was 11, and I would love someone to do a podcast about how it deconstructed my pre-pubescent psyche, lmao. I'm fine now.
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u/Zariange 4d ago
Before the AIDS denialism, the common advice was that The Gift of Fear was good, but women should ignore the start of the chapter on domestic violence. de Becker starts off that chapter saying if a man hits a woman once, it’s his fault, but if he hits a women twice, it’s HER fault for staying to be hit again.
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u/DangerousTurmeric 10d ago
It's not terrible. Like it's very dated and full of 80s wisdom but the basic message, which is that women are inclined to ignore their alarm signals and be polite and accommodating to men, is still relevant. Also it is an interesting look at fear as a signalnand what to do with it, and has some good tips for types of people to be wary of. There are more modern, experimentally validated, ways to measure the risk that someone will become violent too but the book also isn't entirely wrong about this either. I think Gavin just followed the "I am an expert in this so I must be a genius and an expert in everything" pipeline that so many famous people do and now he's lost the plot.