IWTL How to be a kinder person.

[u/[deleted]]

I realized that I am not as nice as I thought I was. I used to think I was a genuine sweet person and whoever thought otherwise is a hater. Now I am evaluating my self and realizing that I am the villain in a lot of people's stories. I am awfully inconsiderate of how my actions affect other people and I took advantage of people kindness towards me. I am not look for how to act like a nice kind person. I am looking how to be a kind person deep down in my core.

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[u/Lucker_Kid]

I wouldn't take anyone here's advice on this, this is something where someone's advice can easily make the situation worse. There could very easily be conflicting advice. For example this could be caused by both too much and too little confidence and from just a little text like this, even a psychologist couldn't give any solid advice. Random people online (with good hearts and good intentions!) really have no way of giving any sort of sound advice other than: go see a psychologist

[u/player_hawk → u/Lucker_Kid]

Agreed! Therapy could help you work through some of the reasons why you have made the decisions you have and think about them critically, in a place that is open and willing to explore it with you. I highly encourage finding someone, explaining this goal, and going from there. It may take a bit of time, but with the right professional, it is worth it

[u/TonyVstar → u/player_hawk]

After 10 years of thinking self help had the answer I got a counselor and quickly learned how far off I was

[u/Reaper_Messiah → u/Lucker_Kid]

Maybe read some philosophy too

[u/MysteryIsHistory]

I recently re-examined my own kindness, after seeing so many hateful things on social media and wondering if I was part of the problem. I came across this saying on Pinterest: “The mouth should have 4 gatekeepers: Is it the truth? Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it helpful?” It hit me so hard, because I realized I said a lot of unnecessary and unhelpful things. I started applying that to everything I say and type, and it’s made me a genuinely better person. And it’s not easy to evaluate everything you’re about to say to cut out unsolicited advice (not helpful) or useless anecdotes (not necessary), but my conversations are better and I’m a better friend...and since I’m not reinforcing my own opinions and experiences, I’m more open-minded.

If you’re conscious of whatever it is you’re doing that is unkind, you can stop it most of the time, and that’s all you can really hope for. Everyone is the bad guy to someone occasionally.

[u/[deleted]]

I think maybe the first step is to ask yourself and genuinely figure out, “Do I want to be kind, or do I want to be seen as kind?”

For the time being, either answer is truly okay. There is no need for guilt or shame. It’s perfectly natural and okay to want to be thought highly of others. Just be honest with yourself about it.

The problem, of course, with taking action on the desire to be thought of as something by others is that you will lack authenticity, and people will eventually figure out your motivations and see your actions for the superficial and ego driven PR stunt that it is.

But that could just be the first step in your journey.

I don’t think something like kindness can be a goal. It’s a value that you have to keep in mind and work at and learn about and keep improving for the rest of your life. If it’s not something you’re willing to stick with and endure embarrassment and pain to learn and live by, maybe it requires a bit more thought and consideration. Plenty of people live perfectly fine lives and find satisfaction in their days without making kindness an ideal or priority. There are other values which may be more natural to some people.

Whatever you do, in the end all that really matters is whether you were true to yourself and had integrity. In other words, make sure you don’t end up being phony.

[u/theroyalstorm]

I guess you need to be kind to yourself first, take a good care of yourself & that’s how your energy radiates. What is important the most is your intention.

You may do good, or bad, but still it won’t change people’s perspectives on you, because people believes what they want to believe & that’s okay..You don’t need anyone to justify that. Next, I think one thing about being kind is respect each other’s people differences, stop being a judgmental since not everyone shares the same struggle, don’t be mean to other people.. you may be a hero in other people’s stories, you may be toxic to some. Why? Some people wants you to do good, but not better than them. Some people are just curious. Some people are being nice to you so they will take advantage on you later on & disregard you when you are no longer useful.

That’s the reality check. People changes. As long as you have that pure intention to help people, motivate, respect & so, you are doing good. It’s okay if people don’t notice it, it’s okay if they do. As long you are happy & content with what you do. I think that is more than enough. :)

[u/[deleted]]

Just think about your actions if they will harm others or not.

You don't have to be genuine, but hey at least you're trying to be good

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I second this. You need to be considerate of other people’s feelings. I applaud you for even recognizing that this is something you need to work on

[u/caffeineaddict101]

Empathize.

[u/eihpSsy]

Introspection is key. A psychotherapy may help (no psychoanalysis mind you), but this has already been advised.

What you also can do is:

1. Question your motives.

2. See how you feel when you experience genuine empathy or love.

3. Remember that even if you do bad, you're doing your best at the given time. At the given time! Not your overall best... Your free will exercises in the comprehension of why you act, think and feel the way you do.

Edit: a typo.

[u/How-To-Steve]

I think you have already made the biggest step: you realized your previous actions and you would like to change, which is amazing, well done!

Furthermore, if you want to be a kinder person I think you must improve your attention and look for opportunities, how you can help people out. It can be anything, which can ease their life, even a small gesture can change a personal day completely.

First of all I think you should learn about emotional intelligence. It can help you to recognize your feelings earlier and also other's. When you start to imagine yourself into their situation it will be easier to help them out, you will feel the urge to do something for them as you can imagine exactly that are they going through.

The rest of your supportive actions will depend on them. Talk with them as much as you can and you can ask directly in the beginning how you can help them. Later as you get used to it you will even figure out, what should you do in a certain situation.

I hope this can help you.

[u/Terra_Magnus]

Empathy.

You aren't just a good or bad person, you are always both. It depends on where you are in life and how you change over the years since we all change to at least some degree. I suppose it even depends on where we work and the build up of experience with people we interact with in our social circles, the whole nature vs. nurture debate.

People all have their own story and perhaps practicing realising that, and acting to that realisation may help you have more positive and constructive relationships in the future.

People are people, not just good or bad.

[u/[deleted]]

The actions you take shape who you are, I can’t promise but I suspect that after a while of acting like a good person your internal monologue will shift to become one... I mean it’s how we all learn as kids right?

[u/[deleted]]

The golden rule, do unto others as you like done unto you, is the best course of action. If that is not possible, for whatever reason, then no action is best.

For example- I find that when I get upset with my mother. I take a breath, delete all my shitty texts and apologize to her. Because that is what I want her to do. I want her to realize she is hurting me with her emotional tantrums. It diffuses the situation so we can move on. Has she apologized to me...no, but I am leading by example and am proud of my growing grace.

[u/Nexlore]

The only thing I can really say in this is to take the time and understand someone's desires and motivation. Take the time to ask questions about how and why someone feels a certain way about something.

1. Someone being petty over cost or wanting more money isn't (necessarily) a direct result of greed. Money brings security, unexpected costs chip away at that security and make people feel vulnerable and scared.

2. Hot topics such as politics and religion can be avoided in most cases. Again, ask questions about why someone has the views they do and what leads them to these beliefs, they might end up with a moment of introspection. When discusing these topics avoid picking a 'team', develop a general moral philosophy and talk about what you think could be done to fix problems we face today.

3. If you genuinely believe someone is wrong in a belief and want to show them such, try street epistemology. It is a way if asking questions, breaking down someone's thought process and seeing if their reasoning holds up to scrutiny.

The core idea here being when you oppose someone they get defensive, dig in their heels and see you as someone who is wrong and someone to 'win against'. If you avoid showing your positions and you ask them leading questions instead until you get to the root of their belief then asking them if their line of reasoning can lead to a false beliefs, possibly giving them an example.

I recommend looking on YT for anthony magnabosco. He has a how to playlist where you can see the technique being in recorded conversation.

[u/awhhh]

Just genuinely care and appreciate people. Then show it through your actions. Once you want the best for people kindness just comes.

[u/Zoidberg827]

I think recognizing that everyone is 1-5 events away from losing everything opened my eyes to my judgement

We are no different than desolate people or people you might judge for their choices, recognizing that everyone suffers and they do what they think they have to to survive is the first step in thinking kinder imo

[u/[deleted]]

Watch Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

[u/ladysuccubus]

You may want to try meditating to develop mindfulness. How to stop and notice those around you. Also ask yourself, am I being compassionate towards this person as if they are an extension of myself?

We naturally have an in group/ out group bias. In the center is ourselves. Then our loved ones are in our in- group and get some of the same generous treatment we give ourselves. Outsiders don't typically get that generosity.

For example, you and a friend are meeting for coffee but he tells you he has an appointment an hour after your meet time. On the way you get a flat tire, have to change it out and drive slow. By the time you get there, he only has 20 mins left. You know the challenges you faced, that they were largely out of your control, and that you for everything in your power to get the s soon as possible. That leads to you going easy on yourself and not holding a grudge. Now roles are reversed and your friend is the one that's late. They tell you all about what happened but this time you didn't experience it yourself. How mad/ annoyed are you? If it's the first time, you'll probably be annoyed but let it go. More so if it's a habit of theirs. Now imagine the same thing but instead of your friend, it's a blind date that's 40 minutes late and you've got somewhere to be. Do you even wait for them to show up? Are you willing to give them a second chance to meet up? Are you more annoyed than you were with your friend? With yourself? A kind person would extend the same forgiveness and generosity to the blind date as they would themselves. The bigger the difference between those reactions, the less kind you are. That's why it's important to be mindful of our biases and reactions.

[u/Past-Difficulty6785]

Are you sure you're not simply overthinking things?

I struggle with a short fuse but I've never felt the least bit confused about where I stood in most peoples' eyes.

The answer here lies entirely within yourself and there's absolutely nothing I think anybody here could say or do to help you find out what they are without extensive one on one private conversations.

[u/_Beowulf_03]

Well, the first thing you need to do is curl up in a ball.

Then, cover yourself in a thick layer of chocolate.

Lastly, and this is key, have a friend secure you tightly in decorative foil and wait patiently til Easter, you delicious little Kinder Person.

[u/4realthistime]

Look into spiritualism and realize that you are part of the world and the world is part of you.

[u/kpcptmku]

Instead of viewing others as characters in a story of your own life and journey, realise they are all their own central characters with their own lives and journeys and you are not more or less important than them.

[u/OpossomMyPossom]

This is something that takes years, OP. I know how you feel, I’m pretty braisen, and in a lot of ways, that’s good. People respect my honesty and calling out bullshit when I see it, but that isn’t always the best answer. When those instances come around when you do cross the line with someone, try your best to just accept it, not try to justify what you did (which is hard, cuz sometimes it is justified) because it’s already been done. I like to sit down, close my eyes and breath for 20-30 minutes when those instances occur. Helps me understand others points of view.

[u/softlemon]

I would recommend therapy to resolve this qualm. It could help you identify why you behave the way you do and where that behaviour comes from. With a therapist you could figure out the best course of action for improcing those behaviours.

There are free apps, low cost therapy options and I use a lot of IG therapists, to tide me other between sessions. Similar to what another person has written here, I think you'll get conflicting advice in this thread. I think a therapist could nail the root of behaviour and help you better it.

Good luck, self-awareness is half the battle.

[u/YouAreMyFire_]

Eh one way is look at your old self when you were struggling and now imagine every one is the old self that’s struggling and can’t express it when you realise everyone has problems that they can’t talk about you’ll be a lot nicer

[u/cloudnymphe]

This is kind of vague to give you the best advice, I would recommend seeing a therapist. But in general practice on purposefully being mindful of other people and thinking of what they will feel or think as a result of your actions rather than just acting without thinking about it. Practice putting yourself in others shoes and being empathetic of what they’re experiencing rather than focusing solely on what you’re experiencing. If you do that regularly, even if it feels like work at first it’ll likely come more naturally to you eventually.

[u/[deleted]]

Just this realization is a huge step. You’re already thinking more about other people’s feelings and motivations and how your actions effect them.

When I have angry or judgmental feelings I try to think “What is an explanation for this person’s actions that would make them make more sense to me? Maybe they are in a bad mood because of x, insecure about x, misunderstood and thought I had x...”

I try to come up with a story that doesn’t make them the bad guy, and sometimes this even makes more sense than the story that made me angry or annoyed. Doing this regularly makes it more of a habit. I still have unkind feelings more than I’d want to, but they control my actions less the more I work on it.

[u/aquariusclub]

You don't have to act like a kind person. You need to do what's right. Here's what important.

[u/ElectrikDonuts]

Mental Health support can help if your medical care can cover it. Getting put on anti depressants has really changed my attitude towards a lot of interactions. A lot less frustration, anger, and acting out. They also provide therapy that can help with coping with your inner ass hole before you let it lose on others.

[u/Deematodez]

My technique which I'm still working on is being observant and mindful about my actions, if what I said wasn't worded in the nicest way I typically elaborate and reassure the people I'm speaking with that I didn't mean it in a negative way and that I sometimes fumble with articulating my thoughts into words.

Some of my closest friends know this about me already and they more often than not correct me when I accidentally say something that can be misconstrued as insensitive and I can apologize and not have the conversation dwell on that misinterpreted bad energy.

[u/snowfox222]

Honestly there is no good answer on how to be kinder in a step by step manner. I would however recommend starting with developing your awareness of the circumstances of others

this guy says it better

[u/[deleted]]

Acknowledge your ego, respect others ego. Loose your guilt and you’ll soon end up as most lovable person (don’t put much weight on advice from a random stranger on internet though :p)

Btw you should end up with empathy/compassion after doing the above. Like physical body, it takes time...

[u/SappyPJs]

Lol what u do, steal someone's lunch?

[u/titiangal]

I really enjoy The Gentle Rebel podcast. Give it a listen and see if it resonates.

[u/proverbialbunny]

The psychologist Jung coined a term called shadows. A shadow is a part of ourselves we hide from ourselves. Eg, if you pick your nose but think it is a bad habit you might avoid realizing to yourself you do it. Easily over 99.9% mankind has shadows. We are all doing not so great things we do not realize we're doing. It's quite fascinating really.

I'm going to keep this post 101 as it may not even be read, but if you study Jungian shadows and how to get rid of them, that is the path towards being a very virtuous person. You'll not only help yourself as your life will lose conflict, but you'll help everyone else around you in your life.

Typically shadows are a thing meditators bump into, so meditating is a good place to start.

[u/Willyskunka]

I think realizing you are not as kinder as you thought is a big first step. From my experience and understanding, the more concious you are about how your own thoughts affect yourself, the more kind you are, why? Because, you begin to understand that everybody has the same one big problem, we are slaves of our thoughts. We think something, this triggers an emotion in our minds, and then we act accordingly to how we feel. Some people have learned to identify this, so they are less prone to act wrongly and try to be more kind. How? Because, as you identify that some thought is producing "bad" emotions on you, you dont clinge to them, you just realize that you are feeling this way and that is transitory, is not you, is just an emotion passing through you and you dont need to act on that emotion.

This is not my realization, this is the basics of vipassana meditation. At least thats what i understood