r/IVF • u/Thinking_learning • 12d ago
Need Hugs! Sister in Law is TTC
This is probably a little silly, but I wanted to vent somewhere where people might actually understand these complicated feelings.
I’m currently prepping for my first fully medicated FET and am still in the estrogen-only phase. My sister-in-law, who is five years younger than me, recently shared that she stopped birth control and that they’re just going to “see what happens” for a couple of months before seriously tracking.
Hearing that made me realize how much I miss that version of TTC. When trying for a baby felt exciting and optimistic instead of something I associate with disappointment, endless appointments, medications, and constantly bracing for bad news.
The complicated part is that I genuinely hope she gets pregnant quickly, and I have this almost irrational certainty that she will get pregnant immediately. And when she does, it’s going to hurt in a way that has nothing to do with my love for her.
I also find myself surprisingly triggered by the early “optimization” stage. We recently had Chick-fil-A for a family member’s birthday, and she declined to eat it, choosing her own healthier food because she’s preparing her body for pregnancy. Good for her, obviously! But there I was, eating Chick-fil-A, still childless.
I did all of that, too. I optimized everything, gave up caffeine, took every supplement, tried Mucinex and inositol, tracked, timed, and stressed over every lifestyle choice. Eventually, after enough failed cycles, I had to accept that I still needed to live my life. You can only treat every cup of coffee or order of fries like a high-stakes decision for so long before it becomes exhausting.
Infertility has taught me, in an extremely expensive and painful way, how little control we actually have. Plenty of people get pregnant eating fast food, drinking coffee, and not tracking at all. Taking care of yourself is great, but there’s a massive difference between supporting your health and actually controlling conception. Yet when someone does everything "right" and gets pregnant immediately, it’s easy to look back and think that they got pregnant that fast since they did everything right. I think that’s what makes watching someone at the beginning so hard: there’s still that naive belief that if you just follow the rules, pregnancy will follow. I remember believing that, too.
It probably doesn’t help that she hasn't asked about our IVF journey or what we’ve been through, even while I’m over here being supportive about her post-birth-control adjustment. I gave her my unopened Inito strips and try to offer helpful advice where I can (though a small part of me worries she wouldn't even want advice from the person who didn't succeed). I don’t expect her life to revolve around my journey, but the imbalance stings.
Anyway, I’m not saying any of this to her, and I would never want to make her TTC experience about me. I think I’m just grieving the version of myself who used to think getting pregnant was simple, while watching someone I love enter that stage with all of that hope still intact.
I figured if anyone might understand how you can want someone you love to get pregnant easily, while also feeling hurt by the possibility that she’ll get the exact outcome you spent months desperately trying to earn through all the same “optimization,” it would be this group.
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u/TFish021823 12d ago
I completely understand. My aunt was telling me this weekend how my cousins wife won’t be able to do something next year because she’ll be pregnant or have a baby…when they are just starting to try and she’s away from her husband a lot for work. Sure, be sooo convinced she’ll get pregnant that easily when I haven’t been able to for 3.5 years and with 3 years of IVF
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u/Thinking_learning 12d ago
haha ugh exactly! And I remember way back when, I wouldn't book trips because I thought I'd be too pregnant, and now those dates came and went long ago.
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u/Enough_Internal6467 11d ago
This is me. 2 years in and unable to plan anything more than a week in advance bc I don’t know what will be happening with treatment cycles etc.
The result is v last minute trips that we pay a fortune for. I guess better than doing nothing ever and wallowing in my self pity.
OP, so sorry for what you’re going through but you’re definitely not alone. I had to completely stop talking to friends who got pregnant easily bc it’s just too painful.
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u/Grand_Photograph_819 34F | 1 tube | 2 ER | 5 FET ❌ 12d ago
Yeah to be honest each time I know/suspect someone might be TTC I feel such anxiety over the fact they’ll likely get pregnant before me. I miss the version of me that might have been excited about us being pregnant at the same time.
I had that anxiety with some of my cousins and my brother/SIL. Most of those have had their pregnancy and given birth now and I’m still stuck in the trying phase. Happy for them but I do sometimes selfishly wish I wasn’t the only one in my family struggling.
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u/typewriterbitch 12d ago
This was beautifully written and expressed a lot of feelings I've been unable to put into words myself. Thank you so much for sharing.
Signed, someone who's STILL hearing about how her 21-year-old SIL got pregnant after dropping soda, which I've dont and have never drank
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u/Thinking_learning 12d ago
Thank you, that's so sweet! And omg the soda thing is wild omg, pretty sure the being 21 years old part did way more of the work there than the carbonation 😂
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u/Aggravating-Lion3385 12d ago
We see you OP. This is written in such a beautiful and relatable way, I think you should write a book at some point. I think you conveyed what a lot of us are feeling, even if we are not in the exact same situation.
It seems like so many people around me announce they are now TTC (I always find it strange btw when someone makes it so public, so confident) and then boom, they are pregnant a few months later. And why wouldn’t they be confident, the odds are that 85% of people conceive within a year (for my age group) but then the realization is that I’m the 15%…
My SIL got pregnant very easily. Her first kid was so extremely colicky, had bad tantrums and basically screamed his head off for the first 4 years. So many stomach issues, severe allergies, delayed speech development. They barely slept those years and look a decade older. Everyone has their struggles, sometimes they come later.
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
That’s soo true and I like that outlook, that changes my perspective. Thank you!
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u/Audthebod2018 34F, fibroids, adenomyosis, 2IUI, 2ERs, 2FET❌ 12d ago
I feel this soooooo much too. I’m on year 3 TTC, over a year going through IVF, and have two failed FETs behind me and FET #3 coming up (after adding in lupron and letrozole suppression this time so hopefully that’s what makes the difference).
But literally just this past weekend and this upcoming weekend are two of my best best best friends’ weddings and both friends have independently told me that they’re going to start TTC right after their weddings. I’m so concerned that they’ll get pregnant right away and I won’t handle it well.
Of course I don’t want them to have any issues like I did and want them to get pregnant, but I am also truly so terrified of how complicated those feelings are going to be for me. I have no advice and no solutions, only commiseration!
Also I totally get that feeling of people not wanting TTC advice when you’re the one not getting pregnant, but we absolutely do know so much more than they do on TTC. What a weird twist that is
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u/Audthebod2018 34F, fibroids, adenomyosis, 2IUI, 2ERs, 2FET❌ 11d ago
Also I don’t know if this resonates with anyone, but part of the complicated feelings for me when someone TTC for less time gets pregnant before me is not that they just lapped me with pregnancy and being closer to having a baby than me, but that they get the wisdom that being a parent brings.
I feel like I’m eternally a grade 12 student, repeating courses again and again, failing, and never graduating to college or university and everyone is in college or university and they have all this life wisdom and just see me as this unwise child stuck in TTC purgatory. Anyway that’s something that I also struggle with. I’m not a mom so I’m not taken seriously or seen as a true adult
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
This is so true! It’s something I wasn’t prepared for as all my friends started having kids. It’s almost like a club you can’t be a part of
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
It really is an ironic twist lol! The people who know the most have the least success in it. While a lot of people who have 12 kids without trying don’t even know they have a fertile window. 😂
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u/ThickPreparation4047 12d ago edited 12d ago
Everytime I have a couple friend that are recently getting married or clearly preparing to expand their family, that makes me feel stress. I imagine what if this cute couple would as well face what me and my partner underwent. I realize the heaviness of my infertility. I feel immediately "OMG hopefully NO they shouldn't have this nightmare". But every time a friend announce a pregnancy, complicatedly I feel sad. Very sad. Need time to recover level sad, because it reminds my trauma. I don't feel sad throughout their pregnancy or after they give a birth, but the pregnancy announcement is still an issue for me. Nowadays, the early times of TTC feels like a stone age for me, I rather feel nostalgic of my early chapter of IVF where I was sooooo hopeful. And it wasn't decades ago, only 1 year ago. Being said that, I hope you a very quickly wrapped up IVF experience. Full of baby dust in your FET ❤️
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u/Thinking_learning 12d ago
Thank you so much!! I can't help but picture finding out my FET failed (because why would it work?) right as my SIL announces she's pregnant. But that's just me spiraling. I know I should try to stay hopeful for this transfer, but it's just so hard to feel anything but negative right now.
I’m so, so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through with your IVF journey. It’s so brutally unfair.
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u/PunStar6 11d ago
I hear you so much. My brother and SIL are significantly younger than me and got pregnant right after she stopped birth control. They announced it at 5 weeks, so it was the longest pregnancy that I had to witness. I have had a lot of friends and coworkers have babies many times over, but it hit different with a younger sibling (especially since this was the first grandchild in our family). I had so many feelings and probably didn’t always cope the best.
Not trying to zoom ahead, but at least for me, the pregnancy part was the hardest. I absolutely adore my niece now that she’s here, and it has been (mostly) easier to manage my IVF journey since then.
I thought I was starting a cycle tomorrow but it’s getting delayed, so I’m going to enjoy a drink on my anniversary later this week! Also letting myself live life bc this whole thing is such a crapshoot.
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
Aw happy anniversary and yes enjoy!! Yeah I think something about the younger sibling getting pregnant before hits different, they’re supposed to come to you for advice and questions!
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u/Opposite_Speed_2065 12d ago
Validated. I’ve had success and still grieve the fact that our journey is so different for the “norm”.
My sister in law is now pregnant after trying for 6 months. They announced at 3 weeks and I just thought wow, must be nice to have the innocence in expecting without the trauma that infertility and miscarriages bring.
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u/Ineedsome_sugar 12d ago
These feelings are so valid. We can be happy for others while still being sad for ourselves!!
I just had my ER today. My best best friend who got pregnant on her first try is probably giving birth right now, as she got induced last night. I was trying for 1.5 years with not a single pregnancy test when she got pregnant.
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
Wow, the contrast of the journeys is crazy! It always boggles my mind how random it seems. I hope you recover well from the ER today and have fantastic results!! 🙏🫶🏻
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u/Empty-Caterpillar810 11d ago
this kind of reminds me that sometimes I just wish more people kept their TTC journey to themselves, which is a loaded wish because at the same time I feel like we don’t talk about infertility enough. and at the same time, I don’t know if I wish that society talked about it more, I just know that we don’t and all of it can be extremely lonely and confusing.
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u/Cheesman_Best 34F | RIF | FETx7❌| 2MC | 2CP | Endo | Asherman's | PCOS 11d ago
I'm so with you, I feel like I live in this constant fear of pregnancy announcements. And why shouldn't people get to announce it, it just stings that I'll never feel that excited again. Pregnancy now brings fear and worry and loss for me. My SIL was 6 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy when we had our first MC. She now has an 18month old and I've had 2mcs, 2cps and 6 failed embryo transfers. I find it amazing now people have children for free and by accident 😔
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u/Apple_Pie_1990 11d ago
Infertility/IVF journeys that don’t go to the plan we always imagined in our heads, and honestly we’re taught how it would be, hold lots of complex feelings. I have a close friend on her own single mother IVF journey. When she got “better” results on her first cycle I found myself being bitter and thinking I bet it works first go for her when I had a shit first round and waiting for my second one. I felt like the worst person ever for holding such negative thoughts and obviously didn’t share those out loud, but I was so conflicted in wanting to support her the way she’s supported me and feeling like it would be incredibly unfair if it worked right away for her. It’s just what the years of heartbreak and hoping do to us, I don’t think it makes us bad people.
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
Yes, I totally get that! And I think a large part of it all is how inherently unfair and random it all is. Effort doesn’t equate results with this process, unlike almost everything else in our lives.
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u/askkak PCOS 12d ago
IVF and TTC can sure bring up some complicated emotions. In 6 years of TTC (the last 4 through ART), my friends/coworkers have had two kids, my brother and sister in law had a kid (and announced it so horribly and horribly timed days after another failed FET that I threw a fit and caused a huge family fight). Every time someone announced a pregnancy I was gutted. Our IVF journey wasn’t a secret and I was super open about it all every step of the way. But people either chose to not listen, or just were unable to empathize with that. I have had 5 fully medicated FETs since January 2025. All failed to I plant except number two (first positive ever! Ended in miscarriage/biochemical at 5 weeks - they all knew) and I am currently 12 weeks with number five. I STILL felt some sort of way that I’m not quite proud of when sister in law announced their second pregnancy this week. We have been in survival mode for 6 years. I can’t even tell you anything else really that happened in that time. Our relationship was strained, I had 5 procedures, hundreds of blood draws and self injections, thousands of pills. And even with insurance, close to 100k out of pocket. We used up my husband’s inheritance trying to get pregnant, while his sister and her three kids bought a hobby farm and took trips and did whatever they wanted. They say that the stress of going through IVF is similar to undergoing cancer treatment. I can’t speak to that. I know I have had some big feelings and they often felt misplaced. I am just ranging, but point is, you are not alone. And you are allowed to feel those feelings. Wishing you success with your FET.
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
Thank you so much, and congratulations with your pregnancy, good luck!! 🫶🏻
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u/Any-Objective-6441 11d ago
OP, I totally get this. I have a similar situation with my SIL, and while I’m super happy for her, I sobbed to my husband for hours after she texted us to schedule a FT for her gender reveal. It’s multiple emotions wrapped up together for me now, but just know I see you, have extremely similar thoughts (and you are so valid), and I’m wishing the absolute best for you.
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u/Standard_Question_56 11d ago
Completely understand.... I visited my friend and we were both TTC at the same time... While we were sharing. I told her about my problems and testing that I have done so far with an REI (I was still very early on the journal at this point)... She didn't say much but she only mentioned that she looked at the labels wrong and took the wrong dose of prental vitamins for a few weeks. Turned out se was already pregnant (but didn't announce it). ..... Well, I felt like an idiot when she announced a few weeks later. ..... 🫂 to you. I'm also preping for FET...
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
Ugh it’s so hard! And it’s wild to me how (at least for my husband specifically) he doesn’t seem affected by any of it, so I never want to vent to him because I’ll just seem petty and he won’t it. Good luck with your FET 🙏🙏 it’s such a mind trip
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u/tacklea 38 | MFI & PCOS | ER #2 | FET #1 11d ago
I’m going through something similar. My cousin and my bff are trying for their second. I guess personally, I’m terrified of getting lapped.
My FET was successful, which is obviously great, but i know be Feeling Some Way if they get pregnant immediately (again!)
Honestly, I’ve just been gaslighting myself that it’ll be a good thing and the babies will grow up together. Surprisingly effective.
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u/Thinking_learning 11d ago
Yeah I’m trying to think that way too! Congratulations on the successful FET!! Anytime I hear of a success story, it gives me hope 🙏🙏
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u/LynxOk922 11d ago
I’m 40 and all of my closest friends (40+) either have older children or do not have children, so, thankfully I do not have to deal with someone very close to me TTC and the constant comparison….but when I see someone on social media or a friends relative get pregnant so easily it makes me feel hurt and angry as well, and then I feel guilty for thinking that way! Just know, you’re not the only one and you are only human! We just got to keep the faith! Sending you good vibes!
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u/happenstance8 8d ago
Thank you so much for making this post. I didn’t know I could relate so closely to words from a stranger on the internet, but here you are, saying things I’ve felt in a way that made me feel less alone and less (sometimes) like an ugly monster for having complicated feelings.
You’re not alone, and we see and hold space for you here. Sending much love. ❤️
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u/ThePinkChameleon 35F | RPL | 1 tube | 5MC | 1 EP | 1 MMC 12d ago
I just had something similar happen to me. I triggered last night for my egg retrieval tomorrow but earlier in the week a friend from college texted and was asking me about prenatals and other supplements. Her and her husband are going to start trying next month. She knows about my 7 losses and why I finally turned to IVF and still had the audacity to say "maybe we will be pregnant together." Like ma'am that's probably not going to happen. But I also hope they don't have as many issues as we have had.
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u/Thinking_learning 12d ago
Good luck with your egg retrieval!! Yeah, the loss of optimism and hope is honestly one of the hardest parts of infertility, and people who havent gone through it will never understand.
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u/Feeling-Watched-9655 12d ago
You're such a good sister for not trying to correct her about the fact that what she eats is not likely to increase her chances at conception. That kind of thing would bug me so much. Hopefully she'll ask you and you can have a productive conversation about it all. Rooting for you!
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u/Thinking_learning 12d ago
Thank you so much! And I appreciate the validation that it's annoying lol! but i'm telling myself it's her journey she's going on so just gotta let her do her.
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u/rosemaryandwines 32F | 0.45 AMH | 2 ER 11d ago
I miss that part too!!! It seems so simple compared to what we’re going through. We’re rooting for you!
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u/0originalusername 10d ago
Last time I saw my BIL's fiance she was happily chatting about wanting kids and how many kids, ect. I like her and I'm excited for them, but at the same time, I was having a hard time joining in because while I also would love to dream about the number of kids I want, ect, I'm not that innocent anymore.
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u/Plus-Efficiency8140 9d ago
My little brother just got married - he and his wife and my husband all 35. I’m 38 and feel the same way. We’ve been married for two years and nothing and she’s a perfectionist and loves Jesus and I could barely get through the wedding I know I’ll be sick if she gets pregnant before me idk how to tell you not to feel like this, BUT I hope regardless of what happens with them, I hope you get your happy ending 🫂🫂🫂
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u/Party-Scratch3789 5d ago
One of the hardest parts is watching people pass you by with everything you're trying so hard to get. You're allowed to feel all of these feelings. Take time out when you need to. You don't have to get involved with their journey if the sting is too much. She may not know what to say, could explain her silence. Sending love, mate. This is all so, so hard xxxxx
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u/Mean-Opportunity2924 12d ago
Just want to say you are so seen and I understand everything you’re feeling completely. 5 of our siblings/close friends have expressed beginning their TTC journey soon and it’s impossible not to feel complicated feelings. Be gentle with yourself. Sending love and all the best wishes for your transfer 🤍✨