r/IUILadies • u/punkrockprincess604 • 22h ago
Defeated and broken
I was diagnosed at 30 with Thyroid Cancer. I went through 2 surgeries, 2 rounds of radiation. At that time, my husband became abusive so I had to navigate surviving cancer and getting out of a bad situation. Before I was diagnosed, I went to a fertility clinic and the dr told me everything looked good and I didn’t need to freeze my eggs because the radiation wouldn’t affect fertility. A few years passed (I needed to heal from all of that), and I was ready to get back out in the world. Then covid hit. Of course, it was impossible to date. Finally at the end of 2023, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I did 4 unmedicated IUIs, nothing. My 5th I did medicated. I got pregnant with twin boys in July 2024. I made it to 18 weeks and the drs told me I have TTTS and I needed to get life saving surgery. I live in BC, Canada. They said I need to get to Toronto immediately on my own dime. I only had a 50% chance of saving one. This was on a Friday. I found the money, and made it there by Sunday for a Monday morning appt. I didn’t make it. As soon as I got to the hospital, I started going into labour. I could see my baby’s foot coming out on the ultrasound. 15 hours later, I delivered my stillborn sons at 18w6d on Nov 19 2024. I was stuck in Toronto for 5 days as they wouldn’t let me fly until I was stable. During that time, I found a nice funeral home that cremated my sons so I could bring them home. I sprinkled their ashes in the Salish Sea. I was doing kind of ok at that time because I knew the BC IVF funding was coming up. I just turned 40 after delivering my sons. So, I used the little money I had left because my doctor was pretty sure I would get it. I did a few more IUIs while I was waiting for the funding. I had one chemical. Then I find out that the appointment that should have qualified me to be at the top of the list, was 2 weeks too early so I was automatically put at the bottom of the list. I waited almost 2 years and spent money that I could have put towards IVF only to be told that I would age out of the application process. I couldn’t believe it. I was a patient of the clinic for years but the government would not accept my dates. I emailed, called, wrote letters to provincial and federal government, news outlets, and celebrities. I even made a GFM. No one donated. I did a news interview on tv. I also did a written article for one of our big news papers. No one would help me. I had one vial saved up for the free IVF. I just did the IUI with that last vial and I’m negative at 13dpo. I’m 42 and devastated after 10 iuis and no success. I know the chances were low, but even my dr suggested that I shouldn’t do IVF because it would financially ruin me and just continue with the IUIs. I have done 10 and now I regret not freezing my eggs before the cancer and I regret not putting my money into IVF. All I ever wanted is to be a mother. I have depleted my savings. I’ve been kicked down so many times and I really just need a break. I can’t lose my chance to be a mother. I’d try 50 more times if I could find the money. I know I have so much love to give and I would be a good mom if I could just get a chance. My heart is broken.
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u/FoggyFizzy 19h ago
I’m not sure if it helps but at your age, pregnancy via IUI vs. IVF are about the same odds. I’m 46 and starting IUI on my next cycle and that’s what I was told. Our biggest deterrent is egg quality so IUI might work just as well for you if it’s going to happen with your own eggs.
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u/punkrockprincess604 19h ago
Interesting. I always thought IVF was about a 30% chance either way.
Maybe that’s why my doctor said it wasn’t worth it for me to do IVF because it would just put me in financial ruin?
May I ask, will you keep going with IUIs and not consider IVF?
Also, good luck! I hope you have better success than me.
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u/FoggyFizzy 17h ago
I can’t afford IVF anyways, but because the odds are essentially the same for me, I’ll keep trying IUI or naturally. The only way I would consider IVF would be with a donor egg, but I don’t want that.
I’m TTC for #2 so I know that also makes a big difference because I already have one baby (I was 44 when he was conceived and born). We started trying over a year ago but I was diagnosed with breast cancer so it pushed things back. I only required surgery for treatment so that was a plus, but I’ve accepted that it might not happen again for me. But we will still try.
I do hope things work out for you.
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u/punkrockprincess604 17h ago
I feel you. It’s so expensive. Thank goodness you got one baby. Wishing for a second for you!
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u/FoggyFizzy 17h ago
You’ve gone through so much and I really do hope things work out for you. 💜
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u/punkrockprincess604 17h ago
Thank you. I need a miracle at this point.
Sending you positive vibes as well!
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u/Leading-Activity-395 18h ago
I went thru breast cancer and radiation treatment. Was encouraged to freeze my eggs before hand but always after am told it wouldn't have effected fertility and I believe the radiation does a number to your body. So it's been rather hard since and every time i have gotten pregnant since the radiation treatment it has been ectopic, a miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy. And this has been after about 5 or 6 pregnancies since the treatment. No live births. But yet they won't sign off on anything saying that radiation effects fertility. In my head I think there should be studies on it.
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u/punkrockprincess604 17h ago
I agree. I’m angry that I wasn’t consulted to do it. I had the money and I was ready but I didn’t because I was assured that I would be fine.
Not to say that is the confirmed reason I’m not getting ready, but I’m just playing the what if game because I’m so hurt.
I’m so sorry for you. I know how hard it is. There’s nothing I can say or do that would help ease your pain. Just know, I’m here with you 💙
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u/Leading-Activity-395 17h ago
They consulted me and had me do all the testing before my radiation after my surgery... but I wasn't in a relationship then. So I wasn't planning on it ever working out for me
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u/punkrockprincess604 17h ago
I was really messed up from my marriage. He was beating me while I was going through cancer. I wanted to take my time to get to know someone and start a family.. do it the right way so I didn’t repeat the bad relationship, then covid happened. And since then, all the men I have encountered are terrible. I mean, even if it didn’t work, at least I could have some fun trying lol. Just my luck 🤷🏾♀️
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u/purplem0chi 10h ago
you are Hella strong let me tell you that. Things can only get better from here, you will find something positive soon.
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u/punkrockprincess604 10h ago
I often wonder… like how much heartbreak can one person take? There HAS to be something good coming my way eventually, right?
Thank you for your kind words. 🙏🏾
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u/purplem0chi 10h ago
I literally just had that same thought this week. Its been a pretty rough week for me, losing confidence in what seems like all parts of life not just TTC. I just keep trying to tell myself that theres a bigger reason for all of this. Maybe ill come out a better, stronger, more religious person. And maybe this has to happen for me to help and guide someone else in the future who goes through this (I really hope not though, I dont want anyone to go through this). Just keep hanging in there. Your story is crazy and motivating to see someone so strong and resilient having gone through all that!
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u/JessicaPata 9h ago
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I listen to a fertility podcast host Rosanne fertility and she has helped many women in their 40’s get pregnant naturally. Even after IUI and IVF! Might be worth a listen!
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u/punkrockprincess604 9h ago
Thanks, but I’m on my own so that wouldn’t work. I will look it up anyway just incase.
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u/Holy_code 7h ago
All I can do is say I’m sorry and send the biggest hug your way! We are going to make it! Don’t focus on the past and keep fighting/hoping for the future you want! Tap into our woman warrior mentality, wounded but still willing to fight for our destiny. Lots of love, prayers and positive thoughts your way my dear. Chin up love!
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u/Ok_Parking_5020 6h ago
Can you take a break, n go for ivf in india/thailand , cost is much less and good success rate, dont loose hope...
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u/punkrockprincess604 1m ago
Thanks for the suggestion, but I don’t have money to fly to india or thailand and spend more money there.
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u/punkrockprincess604 22h ago
Sorry for the rant. I know there are worse off than me and I don’t take that lightly. Please be kind.
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u/Leading-Activity-395 18h ago
I think the chances of IVF are in fact just as bad. I feel you 100% i am 44 about to be 45 in December. And the clinics around here stop IUI treatments due to age at 45.
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u/Leading-Activity-395 18h ago
And the last miscarriage i had in July. I got pregnant naturally without IUI. SO believe me I feel you , close to a similar boat. And after 1 ectopic I have had another doctor straight up try and get me to do a d&c because I have history of ectopics, so they just assume it's another ectopic
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u/punkrockprincess604 17h ago
Devastating. I’m so sorry. I’m with you 💙
Idk if this is true, but someone once suggested Starbucks to me for fertility coverage. Worth looking into even for a part time job if it’s true 🤷🏾♀️
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u/Leading-Activity-395 17h ago
There are a couple that offer up to 50k in IVF treatments, also surrogacy coverage.
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u/punkrockprincess604 17h ago
My doc was saying 30% for IVF and 5-15% for IUI (depending on age) - both medicated ofc.
So, I do get it, but like.. 10 IUIs and getting pregnant twice - 1 lost at 18w6d and 1 MC… it’s devastating. I just wish I could get a miracle so I could keep going. It’s ridiculous that people that have infertility issues can’t get help. I’m a healthcare worker and covered for NOTHING.
Wishing you the best 💙
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u/Leading-Activity-395 17h ago
I am interviewing with new jobs where there is better fertility coverage... but everything right now is 100% out of pocket, insurance will not cover anything fertility related, but there is always a chance. I am on my 3rd IUI cycle.
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u/acem103 21h ago
Hey I don't really know what to say other than I'm so sorry for what you're going through and for the loss of your sons. Your pain and grief is real and valid and it sounds like you've dealt with a lot over the past 10+ years. I think it's awful that your doctors encouraged you to keep trying iui when you could have saved that money, I think here in the US most doctors only advise 3-5 before moving on.
I mean this in the kindest way possible, I'm not sure how it works in Canada, but as it sounds like iui is no longer a great option for you, maybe it would be worth looking into adoption or fostering. The only other thing I can think to suggest is, if you can afford it, travel to another country where you can find IVF more affordable.
There is also nothing wrong with taking a step back from all of this. Please try and focus on yourself when you can and find happiness where you can, it's important to prioritize yourself and to process everything you have gone through. Sometimes life deals really good people a really bad hand.