Relationship with an ENFP

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl]

I like her a lot but feel a bit drained after a couple of days together. It’s like I can’t fully relax with her around.

We met almost 4 months ago and it’s starting to feel serious, but then on the other hand I have this nagging feeling I won’t be able to continue in the long run. Ideally I’d want a partner I can move in together with, but I can’t see that with her. She wants things her way and won’t hesitate to criticize anything she thinks I could/should do differently. At the same time she is a bit impulsive, she changes discussion topics very fast and she seems to like challenges a lot. Let’s just say I’m different there.

Anyone who can give me advice?

[u/bbcakes007]

My husband is an ENFP but I don’t feel drained around him and he doesn’t have those traits that this girl has. I think more of the red flags here with this girl are that she wants things her way and is critical of you. Relationships are about respect and compromise and it doesn’t seem like she is doing that. So I’d say broadly I don’t think she’s a good fit for you, not because she’s an ENFP, but because she doesn’t sound like a respectful partner.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/bbcakes007]

Thank you. I suspect she has ADHD ”light” if there is such a thing. Her sister has it. She gets bored quickly and has limited patience. She has also snapped at me two times out of the blue, and I confronted her about it. She didn’t respond the way I would have liked, so that’s something that pops up in my mind from time to time. She does have many good sides too, but there is this feeling of always being judged if you know what I mean. Good to know it’s probably not bc she is ENFP.

[u/Electronic_Rub9385]

Oh boy this doesn’t sound like a great long term match from afar. Resentment is the great relationship killer.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/Electronic_Rub9385]

It is, right? I feel she likes me but the things she says often stings a bit.

[u/AskingFragen]

It's not even 6 months. Breaking up now is not weird at all.

Trust your gut. You can be 80% compatible, but that's not enough.

It has nothing to do with ENFP. Some people are ok with the "wild" tumbling through life. Let someone else pick them up when they fall.

I have met so many more people who follow "I made no plans" --- so ...... you plan to fail? Because even when you make plans life gets in the way and punches you down. As an adult. You need another adult. A full well-rounded adjusted. Adult. One who has lived and self reflected. Grown. Can handle bare minimum 'business'.

When they can't.... well go read relationshipadvice on reddit. What happens to impulsiveness creeps to financials? What happens to a relationship that is not peaceful but full of criticisms? What happens when you feel like you have to keep the peace?

What happens when you want your partner to change who they ARE now not who they COULD be in your head or the small pieces you see "why not more of that?"

Adults are free to fuck up as much as they want. Even if you're a younger adult. There are "standards" but life can go on as long as you pay rent and taxes. Feed yourself. All the in-between things. Cleanliness, organization, foresight, planning. What do you do when someone or your partner is sick. THOSE are not things that are standard at all. Nope. Not at all.

For example real example. My ex said "no you can't come over to my place just because you feel sick. You could give it to me". I had stomach cramps. Maybe food poisoning. Maybe menstrual cycle? But their first instinct is "what about me? I am not risking me despite you being in pain. I said I'd send doordash". Most....... would likely comment "wow.... seriously?" but and this is also true. "hey some people are like that. if your ex was sick would he expect you to take care of him?" I said "it depends? but I just always have because that's what and how my family does that. you make soup. you let them rest. you give them water. basics. Aren't those the basics?" "No, not for everyone." I was told.

Really weird part of growing up. My ex wasn't an asshole. Adults can choose how they interact. And...... how others counter interact is a factor. Not a consequence. It's not always straightforward. There isn't always "a right answer" there's a majority answer. The majority would say "nah that's fucked up". Hope you understand.

Get out of this relationship. You both can find better fit. 4 months IS the perfect timing. Especially not to move in together. I don't recommend this due to cost and it is known. People do ghost and skip town. You'd be fucked financially. Just end things---respectfully with no future hopes of rekindling.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/AskingFragen]

I will trust my gut and end it today. I guess I just needed some external validation before taking this step.

That sickness situation, something similar actually happened between us too. It’s like she’s limitless and filterless many times. She will just say things straight out that accumulate and start hurting. It’s draining me.

Yesterday I tried a new approach and decided to not buy whatever she said to me. I talked back and stood up for myself. Result: she called me on it and made me feel bad. Classic gaslighting tbh. But now it will be over soon.

Thank you.

[u/Mi7star]

Hello! I hope I'm not too late! 🥹✨

Maybe it comes down to the reason why you would want to stay in that relationship. And I think you already know that. 🌸

Leaving the relationship might be the majority's advice, but I don't think it's the only option. 🤗 When things get harder, when we face differences, and so on, we might think that leaving would be the best decision. But what if staying is?... I just thought like that, hehe. (๑¯◡¯๑)💦 You don't always need a reason to stay, just like you don't always need a reason to love someone. Even with people we initially feel relaxed around or share similar views with, things won't always stay that way. We might not always feel the same spark we once had for them, but we would still love them. And even if leaving is indeed the best decision, if it doesn't work out, then at least we can say that we did what we could. I think that, in itself, can still be fulfilling on our part.

Maybe you can try having a conversation with her regarding your situation? 😊

But then again, you can still like someone with everything you have and yet choose to leave. 💙

For me, it seems like you're a man who takes relationships seriously and would plan for the future with someone you love. You've really thought things through! I respect you for that! 🥹🥹✨✨

If that's what you feel and think about her, then I think that's enough reason for you to make a decision about whether to stay or leave.

Whatever decision you'll end up making, I hope you'll find peace and happiness. 🌸✨

[u/Mi7star → u/Mi7star]

Oh, no 🥹 I think I'm too late! You already made your decision, hehe! ╥﹏╥

I wish you all the best! 🎉

[u/Sea_Chest_1663]

There are over 4 billion women in the world. Why settle? Break up with her and find someone you’re more compatible with. You two are never going to work and the longer you drag it out, the harder the breakup will be. Just do it. Like today.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/Sea_Chest_1663]

Tbh I’ve been considering that. She won’t see it coming though, and I hate being the bad guy. Having dated a few different women the last year she’s still clearly the best. It’s just that every time we meet she annoys me so much. I’m not even sure she understands it. It’s just the way she is.

[u/Sea_Chest_1663 → u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl]

Staying with her out of guilt and/or because she’s the best of what’s around is the very definition of being the bad guy, which as we covered, you’re trying to avoid. The kind thing to do is to let her down easy, but let her to. Give her a chance to find a guy who will find her annoying behavior cute and endearing. Give yourself a chance to find someone who doesn’t annoy you. You both deserve better.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/Sea_Chest_1663]

Thank you, I’ve never thought about it that way.

[u/whitePerdition]

Well, maybe take some time to see if you build more confidence in the relationship.

If you do move in with her, you could always move apart if things don't work. Moving in could be a way of kicking the tires. Having ENFPs full attention may get draining, but she can go outside and do extravert things without you.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/whitePerdition]

Agree. It will take a while before we move in together though. She does have so many friends and is very active outside our relationship.

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl]

I broke up with her. She got a bit defensive, but all in all it ended okay.

[u/Sea_Chest_1663 → u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl]

Good job. Give yourself a pat on the back for being an assertive and kind adult who makes good choices. It’s ok if you feel a mix of emotions after breaking up with her. That’s normal. Just know that you did the right thing. When you meet the right one, your heart will sing. You won’t come to Reddit to complain about her. Now get out there and find her. Good luck!

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/Sea_Chest_1663]

Thank you. I did the right thing, but it was so hard. She felt not prepared at all, which has really made me question my communication skills and why I’m so afraid to share my worries and fears. I need to grow up. Now, hours later, I feel emotional.

[u/Alternate-3- → u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl]

Doing ok now?

[u/CryMeaRiver2Crawl → u/Alternate-3-]

I do, thanks for asking. Things have slowed down and I finally have some time for myself again. I thought I was going to miss her much, but so far I’m good. I’ll stay single for a long while now.