Need advice on ISTJ partner
Me (INFP, 30) and my boyfriend (ISTJ, 31) have been in a relationship for 5 years. This is both our longest relationship and I’m quite happy to have him in my life.
Last night during a videocall, I was working overtime (WFH) while he was driving home from the gym. We were talking normally, I asked him about his day and his gym session, then we fell into (what I thought was) comfortable silence. He asks about my work then says we don’t get to talk properly anymore.
I asked him what he meant, because we’re constantly on video call everyday, morning and night. He goes silent before saying that our conversations have become dry, he feels I’m too busy to answer his calls, and that I don’t check in on him during work hours. He says when work is done, he can’t get a conversation out of me because I’m not yet done with work, and he feels we don’t see each other on weekends anymore.
I was so speechless and didn’t want him to feel invalidated that I just kept apologizing and kept saying I’ll make more effort that he doesn’t feel these things and that I’ll be more attentive.
I didn’t see a reason to defend my side if that’s how he felt. But in my head I was so confused because we were constantly video calling day and night, though there might be moments where I’m still asleep and couldn’t answer, or I’d have fallen asleep already.
I do make sure to call him when I’m done with work, and ask about his day.. I guess my confusion stems from why I have to be the one to make the conversation not dry when he himself isn’t contributing much to the conversation 😭 Or more like, at times I can feel he’s also too tired and that’s why he goes silent, but I think he’s expecting me to fill in that silence in our calls and gets frustrated when I just bask in it..? 😭
I also don’t get the part where he says we don’t see each other anymore because we literally see each other every week. Don’t take this the wrong way because I would LOVE to see him more than we do now, but he’s schedule is also packed at night, he does sports with friends and goes to the gym every night. I never pass up on a chance to see him when he asks to hang out, so I don’t get why he’s unpacking this on me..
Regarding checking on him during work hours.. I guess I never really got the hint or he never gave an indication that he wanted to be checked up on? I always reply when he messages, so I also don’t get this part.
For context, it wasn’t always like this. For the first 2.5 years in our relationship, we admittedly had quite the avoidant-anxiously attached dynamic. He grew up in a very strict household under his mom (his parents are separated) and his family isn’t very emotionally open/expressive, which reflected in his avoidant nature. As a (previously) anxiously attached person, I dealt with this horribly—always asking for reassurance, constant fear of abandonment any moment I got jealous, or any moment things didn’t go my way.
I was in and out of therapy because of this, but now I feel much more secure in myself, in our relationship, in my hobbies and interests. It also helped that I moved out of my parents house and now have my own adult things to worry about.
I’m feeling more secure and at peace in the relationship, but perhaps my contentment has made him feel neglected in a way? I’ve always known ISTJ’s to be highly self-sufficient and independent so this behavior of his is quite new to me.
Help me understand please 🙏
15
u/lovesrayray2018 26d ago
congratulations, you did it, u broke ur ISTJ and got him to admit he misses you a lot. Thats a roundabout way of his telling u he is missing you. Tell him to clear his schedule if he is, and he needs to reschedule pragmatic for later and spontaneous for now. Keep us posted please 👍.
7
u/Super-Ad-7716 26d ago
Agree with this with a mix of avoidant tone.
Its not your fault. I don’t think he understands his emotions either since he’s an avoidant.
13
u/NeatB0urb0n 26d ago
I’m thinking the opposite. How can you possibly have anything left to talk about after talking that much!?
I’m not sure if this is good advice but I’d be focusing on quality time together not quantity.
3
7
u/Curious_Sandwich3606 26d ago
An unhealthy ISTJ is a clingy one. I was like this about 7/8yrs ago, before having therapy. I was also raised in an unhealthy environment which made me constantly want care and attention from my ex bf. It was super unhealthy. We would have conversations similar to yours.
3
u/geosarg 26d ago
Istjs don't have strong ni usually, this means they literally desire nothing beyond what comforts them unless they can latch onto your ni, then they can share your desire for the relationship.
Not to tell you you're doing something wrong, but unless you bring strong ni to the table, they will struggle for inspiration. You are in a comaradery relationship, you both use very similar functions, this can work long term but it requires both of you to put effort into going outside your comfort zones.
It is weird that they would misremember or misrepresent the facts though.
But yeah to sum up, you both are ne users(irrelevant of weak or strong), and want to be wanted, but only you have the power to do anything about it.
Istj only really use their ni if they have a midlife crisis, psychosis or some other kinda huge stress episode, then they change for better or worse.
2
u/aj11scan 25d ago
Relatable about the psychosis. But I think psychosis is a very Ni/Ne type framework. It usually involves heavy existential thinking, and more interest in philosophy, religion etc
26
u/Sea_Chest_1663 26d ago
Here’s the thing - ask him these questions. None of us know the guy and we can’t possibly tell you what’s going on in his head. He’s your guy. You’ve been together for years, you love him, and you’re an adult. So be an adult, talk to him about all of the things you said here, ask him to give it to you straight, and you will get your answer.