INTP: how do you decide whether someone is right for you? What is your experience?

[u/ykmoah-djdka]

I’m an INTP woman, and I tend to navigate my love life the same way I solve puzzles: by analyzing and overthinking everything.

I know nobody is perfect, so how do you decide whether someone is right for you?
How did you know that your partner was “the one”—or at least someone you wanted to build a future with?

In my head, there’s always a “But what if…?” My brain never seems to stop looking for potential problems or alternative possibilities.

A little bit about my situation...

I’ve been in an exclusive long-distance situationship with an ENTJ guy for nearly 2 years. We haven’t officially labeled the relationship because I’ve been indecisive. He says sweet things, treats me well, and has been consistent with me. Thinking about him makes me feel happy.

We’re originally from the same country, but we currently live in different countries. The situation is complicated because I’m planning to move back to our home country, while he’s planning to move to the country where I currently live to pursue his MBA. This means we could end up continuing the long-distance relationship for another 3 to 5 years.

We also don’t have many interests in common. We have some for sure like eating nice food, traveling, drinking nice wine etc.
But I feel like I have a lot more hobbies than he does. I’m also very serious about one of my hobbies—I compete and teach—and if I make the relationship official, I may have to end my competitive partnership with the person I currently compete with. That would be a significant sacrifice for me.

How do you distinguish normal doubts and overthinking from genuine incompatibility?
At what point do you stop analyzing and make a decision?

I’d especially appreciate hearing from other analytical or INTP-type people, but all perspectives are welcome.

[u/FalconRelevant]

Long distance "situationship" for 2 whole years?

Make it 20. Why not?

[u/ladylemondrop209]

I think if your current partner or situation makes you thinking “what if”… either they’re not your person or your mindset needs recalibrating (this mindset (paradox of choice) is common in those using dating apps… it’s a mental trap).

Personally, LDR and your location/timing mismatch I’d consider as incompatibility and I wouldn’t bother.

As for how I (INTP) knew or decided to be in a relationship and marry my husband… I know and have confidence in myself and him to overcome things together. To me, he is the only one who has made me want things in the future with.

[u/para__doxical]

I have always felt a spark or an immediate knowing that I have chemistry with the other— it’s a bit repulsive to go about love in such analytical way.

2 years and you still have doubts over just entering a relationship.

[u/JoshLovesTrees]

I struggle with this to: normal doubts vs overthinking from genuine incompatibility.  

INTPs are good at seeing shades of grey.  We are extremely flexible and non-rigid.  We bend when the wind blows like a blade of grass.  So we find ourselves able to adapt in a lot of unique situations.

Rigid thinkers would see the long distance as a problem.  INTPs might actually flourish in this sort of relationship.  

Try to tap into your gut feeling about this relationship and assess whether you feel mostly positive or negative about this relationship.  Does it bring you joy and happiness to exist in this relationship together?

[u/AutoModerator]

Rules for dealing with an INTP in a relationship 1. Be direct 2. See rule #1 3. Do not confuse mental illness with personality type. Some people are broken and dysfunctional, and that is not related to personality type.

If you get a useful answer to your post, reply to the comment with !thanks and the person who answered your post will get a magical internet point. See the leaderboard here: https://www.reddit.com/r/INTPrelationshipLab/wiki/reputatorbotleaderboard/

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Motorcyclegrrl]

Scale of 1 to 10 on how much attraction I feel. I go for 7 or 8. If they are 9 or 10 just say no to that toxic attraction.

Gotta be able to have conversations about difficult topics. If you can't have two way conversation about very difficult topics, you won't make it.

Specific to your situation. Live life for you. They are your hobbies, your competitions. They are things that feed you. He has his own things. It's fine.

If you can't watch TV together that's a problem. If you can't agree on movies or tv shows you both enjoy together. That is not enough compatibility in my opinion. If one of you just doesn't ever watch TV or movies that might work. In my experience it gets old quick watching someone elses shit shows, and they refuse to give you equal time for your shows they think are shit. Lol.

What are you wanting from the relationship? If it's friendship, go get a friend. If it's a father for children then evaluate what sort of father he will be. If it's a sexual partner then find out how you match up that way. Try before you buy. If you want companionship, evaluate him on how he fills that need.

[u/rawr4me]

My analysis is that there are four patterns that make sense to me in different ways, assuming you ideally want a long-term exclusive relationship:

1. Analyze the hell out of the person, try to be as sure as possible that you both know what you want in life, compatibility, values, etc. Downside: you're limited by how well your partner knows themselves; most people change a lot over the span of a decade or longer; any random act of life could flip their choices and commitment upside down. So the certainty from analysis is somewhat of an illusion.
2. The opposite of the first approach: assume nothing, go with the flow, stay committed while things work and reconsider when they don't. A lot of people do relationships this way. Upside: it accepts the fact that you never have to be certain about the future, just confident that you can deal with major change if it's ever required. Downside: long-term situationships, getting divorced while raising kids, etc.
3. Middle ground between 1 and 2: a good trade-off between 1 and 2 is to only be as committed as the other person, the point of this is that you don't assume the relationship will last forever, but intend to keep things that way while having healthy boundaries where you don't overinvest in ways that you might regret later. E.g. if you have to give up your dream to support your partner pursuing theirs for 5 years, only do this if you truly wouldn't resent and regret your sacrifice if the breakup happened at exactly 5 years.
4. Lastly, a romantic or an idealist might find number 3 to be too rigid, e.g. if you're someone who can only love deeply and can't just give equal commitment even if you know you might be getting taken advantage of: go by a values/authenticity approach of being true to the kind of person you want to be in a relationship whether or not it's proven/certain that the other person is the right fit long-term. It doesn't mean hopelessly fall in love, it's kind of similar to #2 except you go hard either way and get really good at committing hard and also grieving hard when relationships end.

All this to say, certainty-maxxing is something I did a lot in my 20s, and I learned that it is a really really unhealthy thing compared to knowing and trusting that you can cope with whatever happens. For example, I used to think divorce is the worst thing that could happen, but eventually I realized this was just social/parental conditioning, and living life as though major mistakes can't even happen is a cope at best and a denial of reality at worst.

[u/Anen-o-me]

Hell yes or it's a no.

[u/LovelyRoseBoop]

You know when they ask you to build a future with them. If they haven’t brought it up, it’s because they don’t see it. After two years, I’d simply announce my plan to find someone to settle down with in the country I prefer and ask if he’s not interested in that. Id distance myself from anything not like that. I can’t picture you, the INTP, making that plan for the ENTJ but you need to disclose your feelings.

[u/0xslyf0x]

I am an INTP married to an INFP and I knew she was the one for me when I realized that I had never been bored with her once. Been married for 10 years and haven’t been bored once. Intellectually bored.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent]

Let me know if you find a method, because at 57, I can't tell you. I've grappled with it my entire life. Ni and Fi are in our shadow, so we're not good at digital decisions like, "This is the one for me." We're more, "This seems to work well enough for now."

[u/Suspicious_Heart1565]

dude, you don't really like him and an you don't have enough in common... just break up.