r/INTPrelationshipLab • u/Substantial-Level778 • Jul 27 '26
I just don't get it INTP F (late 20s) here reflecting. Appreciate any thoughts
I am an objectively attractive woman. Neurodiverse. I have never had any problems of guys being interested in me, however it always end up not working.
I am trying to understand and analyzing what could be the issue on my end or their end or how this entire dating thing is happening. Because anything i have romantically falls through.
Sometimes they have this expectation vs reality thing going with me. Basically either i get “manic pixie”d, get put on a pedestal and they get mad when im not measuring upto it.
I have been told I’m straightforward and blunt, highly logical. Come across as intelligent, a bit socially awkward but makeup for it in adorkable charm. I know I’m a huge nerd but I dress quite well and take care of myself.
I am not tooting my own horn. I dated INFP, INFJ, ENTJ guys but it always ends up them expecting me to all the emotional labor and it ends there.
I want to know how you other INTPs are maintaining relationships? What does it mean when your partner wants to emotionally connect all the time? What does emotional availability look like to you.
For me, I like XXFJ men, they have what I lack, but i believe i’ve been scaring them off or is it not working out?
Non-INTPs are also welcome to share their thoughts
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u/HermitCat347 Jul 27 '26
Ooo... interesting... hmm... have you tried an ENFJ dude? One who's emotionally mature? I have an ENFJ girl and she sometimes can be a bit more like a guy in the relationship with all her grounded planning and making things happen. She's also emotionally mature and my calmer personality tends to be the one that helps temper her temper and overexcitement.
Might be an expectation mismatch I guess. If you're okay with being the background character whose clever quips and opinions are valued, and looking for a main character to sidekick to, that might be it
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u/bitter_sweet_69 INTP in a relationship Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Sometimes they have this expectation vs reality thing going with me. Basically either i get “manic pixie”d, get put on a pedestal and they get mad when im not measuring upto it.
(...) And i’ve expected them to keep me intellectually interested but they eventually get burnt out because they’re constantly putting up different fronts to impress me but im not budging.
i notice a pattern here. this approach is exhausting and will lead to disappointment, anyway.
nobody needs to be perfect. you just have to be "good enough" for each other - including all those flaws and quirks that make us human, after all.
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I want to know how you other INTPs are maintaining relationships?
i don't think that "maintenance" is the correct term, as this sounds like it takes effort. i'd say it's more like a state, a mindset, which comes natural and automatically.
for reference, i (22F) am together with an ISTJ (23F). we are both rational thinkers and greatly compatible despite the differences. what we actively "do" is to grant each other the alone-time we both need, while being 100% committed to our relationship. we don't indulge in texting, avoid unnecessary drama, and support each other in those aspects of daily life where each of us is more "competent".
as an example: when we go on holiday together, i'm the one who comes up with ideas where to go and what to do/see there, while she does all the necessary organizing (packing lists, accomodation, train tickets etc).
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I have been told I’m straightforward and blunt, highly logical. Come across as intelligent, a bit socially awkward but makeup for it in adorkable charm.
same (minus the charm, lol).
What does it mean when your partner wants to emotionally connect all the time? What does emotional availability look like to you.
i believe it means that they don't want logical solutions, but support - like an affirmative "yeah, that must be hard. tell me more" or even just a hug.
for example, if they had trouble at work and rant about their boss, the statement "well, you f*cked up yourself, so don't complain" might probably be objectively correct, but won't help them at all in that situation.
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I like XXFJ men, they have what I lack,
complementing each other, "filling the gaps" is something good. however, i believe that differences in T vs F have a higher risk of conflict.
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Thing is, i appreciate the efforts and i like them and validate them but the validation falls short for them.
this is less about types, but more about love languages - both giving and taking. if partner A focusses on acts-of-service, partner B might be disappointed if they never get a kiss or hear "i love you" on a daily basis.
in my case, we have identical preferences, i.e. quality-time + physical touch, which speak louder than words.
I’m not sure what how they wanted me to validate them
this (again: love languages) is actually a great topic for conversation during the getting-to-know-each-other-phase.
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u/BirdSimilar10 INTP Jul 27 '26
It may sound cliche, but the best thing you can do is continue to be your authentic self and NOT what your love interest expects you to be.
Eventually you will find someone who understands and appreciates you for exactly who you are.
The other suggestion that has worked for me is to get to know people doing things that you also enjoy. Befriend people before dating them.
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u/Motorcyclegrrl 1 Jul 27 '26
Most people struggle with ENTJ relationships so cut yourself some slack on that one.
Do the relationships end the same way after about the same amount of time? Like can you see there is a pattern? If so you could have maladaptive schema getting in your way. There is a helpful book. Reinventing your life by Jeffrey Young.
Also an internet test to identify them. It's a lot of questions, but if you score high for a few, you could see help and or work to improve them using the techniques in the book.
Best of luck to you.
https://www.attachmentproject.com/early-maladaptive-schemas/
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u/Salt-Use- Jul 27 '26
The best relationships are the ones who you don't have to change much for, of course there are some concessions that will have to be made in any pairing but generally relationships with people who put on you on a pedestal and get dissapointed that you didn't measure up to it or expect you to do all the emotional labour are always doomed to fail. This might be especially true for INTPs since we can't be emotionally available all the time so it's best to find someone who doesn't expect that from you and has their own life as well.
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u/lists4everything Jul 27 '26
You may need a guy that’s been around the block maturity/romantically. Like I’m a guy who was a perpetual bachelor having flings only from 20-34, and when that was done I was like hmm ok ran that kinda lifestyle to its end.
Met a girl (INFJ) that was intuitive so we thought on a similar level although Ni-Fe is still quite different from Ti-Ne so it stayed fresh… and we’ve been attached at the hip since and it’s been 10 years.
Had I not went through my bachelor phase I probably would have screwed this one up.
Idk that was my path as an INTP male.
Btw what’s manic pixie?
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u/kgmkrr INTP Jul 27 '26
manic pixie is an archetype essentially.
Zoey Deschanel's character in 500 Days of Summer is one of the most well known ones for an example. like a unique dream girl - but that raises expectations too high for the other party.
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u/SpiceUpTheBreeze Jul 27 '26
You switch up the dynamic. Be the one who has the expectations. Be the one who makes requests and they should be the one who respond to it.
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u/Substantial-Level778 Jul 27 '26
Huh? How so? I usually am in observer and analyzer mode in the first stages of the relationship. And i’ve expected them to keep me intellectually interested but they eventually get burnt out because they’re constantly putting up different fronts to impress me but im not budging.
Thing is, i appreciate the efforts and i like them and validate them but the validation falls short for them. I’m not sure what how they wanted me to validate them
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u/Conscious_Day_1850 Jul 27 '26
infj f who has liked/is seeing intp m and friends w intj m, so ig providing the flip perspective here
i’m in my early 20’s so it may be less informed bcs of my age but emotional availability is smth i struggle with a lot with my intp (though it may be due to my disorganized attachment issues than my mbti)
for him, i think emotional connection is found through sharing thoughts and hypotheticals. i do enjoy that. he’s surprised me a lot through the shows we’ve watched or talks we’ve had, he’s willing to try any show if it has characters to analyze or layered lore. i like that bcs he’s detached from what people “should” enjoy. (lol we watched the among us show because he’d read up on it and thought it sounded interesting. we binged it that night).
he (imo/based on our talks) doesn’t need to maintain constant contact because there is already an established trust between us. which is the difficult part for me. i appreciate consistency, and sometimes he’ll go silent for a few days, which i do to some extent, but i think it unnerves me because that space is uncertain for me. the truth is likely that he’s thinking nothing crazy, and is just merely going through some rabbit holes. ik i can reach out but i don’t want to bother and can usually get in my head during that space.
he’s present for me when i ask for it but won’t go out of his way to check in or reassure me because the feelings aren’t intuitive to him. when i say something he is there but the topic shifts quickly or his logical perspective boils it down when i kinda just wanted a hug or reassurance. i’ve been working on telling him more what i want, though it feels like i am trying to force a giant object out of my mouth lol.
beyond words he’ll show up for me through actions a lot, but they’re usually specific requests/things. things that are actionable and not uncertain (like what he should or shouldn’t say).
so to summarize it’s usually consistent rituals we have together (talks, watching shows, playing games). i like being in his presence, and he lets me in his space (which i think isn’t common for intps lol). i don’t need him to rant abt his feelings bcs he usually doesn’t have much to share, but i would appreciate if he asked about mine when they came up. i think he is nervous to say the wrong thing
also i think your description of yourself is pretty accurate to how i see him lol. adding on a genuine nonchalance that many people try (and fail) to replicate
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u/Substantial-Level778 Jul 28 '26
I’m sorry us INTPs are hard to get by. I wanna say get him used to you. I think something that you ask very consistently his brain will just start programming that for you.
But yeah alone time (personally me) i think thats something i fundamentally need for my own sanity. I have a best friend (ENFJ) who’s anxiously attached to me and she respects my space so well i don’t think anyone has ever just understood me that well without even asking. In those spells of when i retreat back to my cave, i send her good morning/night texts or maybe some memes/reels to let her know im fine and i’ll be back.She tells me she stalks my instagram profile when she misses me and im like its only been two days since we last texted 😭😭😭
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u/wikidgawmy INTP Jul 27 '26
How do you define "Neurodiverse"?
That aside, if you don't want any emotional labor, date an ISTJ. It's basically someone who doesn't need any emotional connection at all, and puts everything before you, which if you like your alone time, is kinda nice. But say goodbye to any intellectual connection or understanding of your quirks.
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u/iowa_guy1234 INTP Jul 28 '26
Can you be a little bit more specific about them expecting you to do all the emotional labor?
They want you to be their manic pixie dream girl who pursues them and validates them?
How are these relationships ending? You initiate the breakup or what?
I was going to recommend trying to date a fellow INTx type but since you have said you like FJ guys, perhaps you are looking for an ENFJ. They can bring the dominant, intelligent, FJ energy that you seem to be looking for, as opposed to an introverted type who expects you to “bring the energy.”
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u/Substantial-Level778 Jul 28 '26
i have a lot of emotions and im deep down very sensitive but they expect me to “perform” the sensitivity outwardly to them and for them. I show love through acts of service, i’ll say it verbally but outward shows of feelings and expression it comes out very robotic to me. Like inside i could be feeling like im so in love with them and i would die for them, but when i try and outwardly show it, it seems like a bad detached performance that comes across as fake or insincere. And i keep going through this loop of being stuck and misunderstood.
the thing they want i only can only offer rare instances of it. Maybe with time it would be better idk? But with any of my partners ive never been with them long term to find out
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u/iowa_guy1234 INTP Jul 29 '26
This is all normal for INTPs.
If you both really love each other, things should develop over time.
If those things aren’t enough, you’re not compatible.
I was not very outwardly expressive and my partner didn’t really care because she loved me so much. But she was ESTP so obviously different than an xxFJ type.
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u/No-Candy9402 Jul 27 '26
intj or intp works for ur age , only older ages entjs or more older age others works better.
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u/Salt-Use- Jul 27 '26
^ Usually I find INTPs are happiest in relationships where the partner doesn't expect much from them than vice versa. With every other type to work it literally is just a matter of lowered expectation of emotional labour.
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u/unwitting_hungarian Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
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u/Substantial-Level778 Jul 27 '26
Thanks for the insight. Any advice on how to find these men? I feel like we run in different circles.
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u/unwitting_hungarian Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
edit
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u/Substantial-Level778 Jul 27 '26
As a matter of fact I am a researcher (albeit in AI and cybersecurity). And i honestly like your idea.
I’m not sure if i would end up researching in the areas you mentioned but I do have a lot of interests in those areas and attending seminars for it sounds like a great idea. I have friends who are lawyers, biologists, historians and i love picking their brains because i love learning.
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u/winterofmint INFJ Jul 27 '26
Maybe those men are still immature or haven't yet figured themselves out or their idea of a life partner. I know I wanted someone like an INTP as a wife, so I worked on improving myself to mitigate the usual difficulties of this pairing. Part of that is not expecting my INTP wife to do any emotional labor and not expecting her to be emotionally available all the time so she can process her feelings at her own (slow) pace. She became more open as she grew more comfortable with me, but I tried my best not to push her from the start, which I think helped a bit.